Gerardo Orellana III

The "what ifs and whys" are haunting me again...........

2012-01-06T21:59:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was on Pinterest browsing like I always do when the babies have gone to bed, and came across something that stopped me in my tracks.

It was a picture of twin babies born early. The caption read something to the effect: one twin wasnt expected to survive, the parents fought to have them put in the same incubator, the stronger twin put his/her arm around the weaker one and the weaker ones heart rate stabilized and survived. A lady commented that its called the "healing hug" and stated that it was true for mothers in the same sort of situation.After delivering and the child is in danger the mother takes them and holds them and the baby sometimes will stabilize and be fine.

Of course my over active mind started yelling WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY THAT? What if you just took him in your arms immediately after he was born and just held him and sang to him and just touched his beautiful face?!?! They asked me if I wanted to see him right away or if I wanted them to take him and give him a bath and clean him up first. For some idiotic reason I said give him a bath first......WTF WAS I THINKING???? I'm not saying that the "healing hug or touch" would have worked in our situation, but seriously what was I thinking? I wish that I could go back and say I want him right away! Just to hold him, to see him, to touch his skin, to breathe in his sweet smell. To memorize everything about him. And maybe just maybe because what if holding him right then would have done something miraculous??

I believe in God, I believe that He performs miracles everyday. I believe that through Him ANYTHING is possible. I believe that everything He does is for a reason. But what if that night I didn't catch on? What if that night Jay could have been the little miracle the world needed to see to keep faith that God does still exist? (I'm not trying to sound like I'm questioning God here, but rather myself. I was pretty doped up on morphine and I don't even know what else.) I wasn't in the right frame of mind to think through all of this clearly.

Sometimes when I am having a flashback (they still happen quite often) I feel that I am but a touch away from him. That I am still there in that dark hospital room holding him, and I almost hear myself telling that person in the bed to do all of the things I did not do. (I know this may not make sense, I am aware.) WHY didn't I think to do any of the stuff I think of now? Sometimes those thought bring me to tears, because not only is the memory of his face fading but I do not have the memories I wish I had.

October 15th Pregnancy and Infant loss Remembrance Day

2011-10-17T13:28:00.001-04:00

This night was nothing new for our family. We remember our sweet baby boy who left us way too soon. We are a family of 5, even though looking at us walking through a store or through the mall you only see 4 of us. Tonight is about remembering all the babies gone from this world.

We miss you more than ever, son. We love you so very much.

3rd Heavenly Birthday.....

2011-06-24T16:57:00.000-04:00

Its hard to believe 3 years ago today....

My world changed. My first child, who wasn't due until June 5th unexpectedly died and left this world forever to be with Jesus. I never imagined that instead of bringing home a newborn baby, I was picking out a headstone and trying to find reason and purpose in this world.

In the past 3 years there have been many ups and downs. Grief is like the ocean. One minute you will be on top of a huge wave.

Breathing.
Surviving.

The next you can be at the bottom.

Drowning.
Struggling to survive.
Losing hope.

I never imagined that my life would turn in this direction and that I would be working through each day and trying to find peace in this world we know as grief. Grief is hard, grief is endless and grief hurts. Each day we are faced with new reason and purpose. We try to live each day as if its our last.

Just 3 months after Jay died, we began trying again. Just 2 weeks later I knew I was pregnant with our second child. That pregnancy was so very different from Jay's pregnancy. I was unsure of what was to come. I was scared.

My pregnancy with Jacen was hard, but we made it through. On the day we went in for the induction, I felt scared but also at peace. I knew my baby boy was watching over his brother and that God was on our side just like He has always been. Now I am pregnant again for the 3rd time, and once again I am scared out of my mind. But I feel "safe" if that is even the right word for it. I feel once again that even though I had pushed God from my mind for awhile, He is right where he has always been. Right next to me.

I've been trying to write this post for over a month now. Haven't had the time. To finish this up, I leave you with pictures from Jay's 3rd birthday in Heaven.

If Heaven weren't so far away.....

2011-04-14T20:43:00.000-04:00

I heard this song not too long ago, and haven't heard it again until today. It really had me thinking, what if Heaven weren't so far away?

This is what I would do.

I would take Jacen to meet his big brother and his great grandpa, great grandma and uncle who passed away an hour after he was born. We would have a picnic. I would hold onto and kiss my baby boy. I would tell him over and over again how much I love him and miss him. I would tell my grandpa how much I love and miss him. We would run free in the wide open spaces that I image heaven to have. I would watch my two sons playing together while I sat and talked to my grandpa. I would tell my baby how sorry I am that I could not save him. I would enjoy seeing my boys with their great grandpa and grandma. I would talk to my brother and get to know him. I would tell them all just how wonderful and special they are.

There is so much more. I am sure we would be making multiple trips. There is just so much and it couldnt all be done in a day.

I miss my baby boy so much it hurts. If only heaven wasn't so far away.

If only.....

Justin Moore - "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" Official Music Video

2011-04-14T20:28:00.000-04:00

May is coming...

2011-03-30T20:45:00.000-04:00

May is coming near. I have no clue yet what I am going to do for Jay's 3rd birthday. I cant believe he will be 3! I think maybe something quiet and at the beach, with some candlelight and cake. Just listening to the ocean, and the songs that remind me of him.

This year feels so strange for me. I feel like this all happened in another lifetime. The pain and missing are still a constant companion of mine, yet grief feels so strange.

I still wonder daily who he would be today and what he would look like. How big he would be. Or what his personality would be like.

There are still so many questions that run through my mind that will be left unanswered, but I have learned to live with that. I am not God and I am not to question God. But sometimes I just want an answer! In time.

No where to run.....

2011-03-23T20:36:00.000-04:00

No where to run
No where to hide

From the pain that is this life
From the grief that swallows me up
From the pain of seeing a brother play without his big brother

No where to run
No where to hide

From the nightmares
From the visions
From the "could have beens"

No one to explain
No one to answer
No reason to be seen

Why a life was made so short
Why a nightmare became reality
Why we are made to just continue on

No where to run
No where to hide

What is this world coming to????????

2011-03-03T19:33:00.000-05:00

From MSNBC

New Year...

2011-01-02T20:44:00.000-05:00

Well 2010 has come and gone, my baby boy has been gone for 2 years 7 months. Its hard to believe that 2 years 7 months ago this precious angel entered my life and in the blink of an eye he was taken from my very body without me knowing it. I loved this child, I wanted this child, I did nothing to harm him in any way and never dreamed of it. I still love this child, I still want this child and I still would do nothing to harm him in any way. I am saddened that there are mothers in this world who are graced with God's love and goodness by bearing his children and harm them and treat them bad and do not love them. I am saddened that sometimes these babies have to endure pain from their parents that no one should ever have to. I am saddened that my son died and I would have NEVER dreamed of hurting him in any way, but yet I was not allowed to keep him. I still can't ponder this question without getting upset.

To hold your child in your arms for the last time and know that you will never see him again is heart wrenching and painful. There are so many emotions that go through you. Some of you know exactly how this feels and what I am talking about. Some of you do not, but you have seen it first hand. You see the effects it has on a person, on a mother, a father, on a family. The effects of losing a child at any stage or age is heartbreaking. Its never an easy path to travel, to be honest its downright HARD and sometimes unbearable.

2009 brought to us the most precious gift after losing our first son. It brought us Jacen. 2010 we saw the beautiful person Jacen has become. The end of 2010 brought us more great news that we will be having another little person joining our family of 4 soon. I can not wait to see what 2011 has in store for our family. I pray that God shines on us once again and brings this little pea safely to us in August.

May you all have a beautifully blessed New Year and may it bring wonderful things to you and your family.

Christmas Tree...

2010-12-16T21:16:00.000-05:00

I know this is late but here goes. Every year now that Jay has been gone, (this is the 3rd Christmas for you who are keeping track.) I have gone out to put up his Christmas tree at his spot at the cemetery. Its something I love to do for him. It makes me feel like I am still being mommy. I dont know why its a tree, not like putting on his shoes or buttoning up his jacket for him or hugging or kissing him. But since he is in Heaven this makes me feel like I am still able to be his mommy.I love being out there anyways, its his place, our place to connect and be at peace with him. (I know HE is not there its just the shell that he left behind, but as humans we tend to hold onto what we know and his body is what I knew and know.)

This year I asked everyone in our family if they would like they could send a Christmas ornament that they made, bought or one from their collections that reminded them of him. We love everyone of them that were sent! Thank you all so much! His tree this year turned out beautiful. Not only because it is his tree but because it has a little bit of something from the whole family.

This last one is one that we got for our tree at home, I love it! A seashell with a pearl that says "every life leaves something beautiful behind."

31 months in heaven...

2010-12-15T21:28:00.001-05:00

I miss you more and more each day. I love you more and more each day. But sadly I forget with each passing day what you smelled like, what you looked like ( I look at your picture daily to remember) and what you felt like in my arms. This is one of the most horrible parts of grief, the forgetting. Not only do we have to try and live without you, but we also forget things that we wanted to hold in our memories forever, but time does not work that way. They slip from your memory without a warning. You will always be in our hearts and one day we will meet you again but while we are here on earth we wish that we could remember those things that time has taken away from us.

I think about you multiple times a day and day dream about the day that we get to meet again. What a wonderful day that will be! Until that day comes, I will hold onto every memory of you that I can, I will look back on everything I have written down or that are in photos so that I dont forget. I will never ever forget YOU, because "you are the one and only ever you!" (you know I love that book!) My sweet sweet child.

As you already know, mommy is expecting another little brother or sister for you and Jacen. Please look after him or her. I know you and God do a wonderful job. I am so proud of you my beautiful child. I could have never been more blessed. *Thank you Father for my beautiful children and the little pea growing within me, you are truly amazing in all your wonders. Please tell my son I love him very much and give him kisses from me.*

"The Shack".....

2010-12-11T20:26:00.000-05:00

I borrowed this book from my mother in law a long time ago, but couldn't bring myself to pick it up until the other night I saw it sitting in my closet and felt a strange want to read it. So I picked it up and read it all by the next night. If you have not read this book it is simply amazing. You will shed tears so grab a box of tissue!

I cried a lot while reading this book due to the fact that the character Mack and I share religious view after the death of our children. For a long time I have been angry at God and questioned Him and blamed Him, for not making this better. The dialogue Mack has with God is simply amazing! I could almost feel like I was in his shoes and it was God and I who were having this much needed talk.

I found myself today as I was out and about looking at strangers and remembering what Mack and God spoke about and pushed any judgment out of my mind. The particular part in the book when Sophia tells Mack that he must choose 2 of his own children that will go to heaven and 3 that will go to hell, just broke my heart. When she then tells him that this is how God feels each and everyday when we demand Him to condemn one of His own to hell, for crimes they have committed or whatever the reason may be, before they have had the chance to even repent for their sin and be forgiven. Which is why Jesus chose to die for us! So that we may be forgiven!

I must say that I am trying. I have been trying for awhile now to let the anger and hostility towards God go. It has been working and I am continuing to improve and trying to be closer to God again. I miss those moments with Him.

I recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with this battle.

"The Shack"
By William P. Young

Thanksgiving 2010...

2010-11-25T13:16:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to stop by and say Happy Thanksgiving. I love you my son and miss you so much. Its hard to believe this is our 3rd thanksgiving without you.

I think I said something a few posts ago how grief is rarely hard for me anymore, well I forgot that the holidays were right around the corner. Today has been rough, I keep thinking "Jay should be here running around with Jacen and playing, or helping me get dinner ready." Hes not. He should be sitting at the table with us today when we are eating and giving thanks. He wont be. Instead he is in Heaven, safe. While I only get to think about him, and try to remember what it felt like to hold him and kiss him. I cant remember anymore. Its been too long. It sucks.

I remember the first thanksgiving without him, 2008. Jay asked me to say grace, I refused. I remember saying, "what do I have that I should give thanks to Him for?" I have you and He knows I am thankful for you." He has my son, and I am not thankful for that." Those words were out of anger and pain. In reality I had and still have so much to be thankful for. My husband who cares for me like no other. I have his love. I have my sons. My health, my wonderful black lab. We have a home. And we have a family like no other. That is something to be thankful for!

Right now I am sad that Jay can not be here with us, but I am so very thankful that God put him into our lives. I can not imagine my life without him in it, even if his stay with me was short. I love and miss him dearly.

Thankful.....

2010-11-24T14:31:00.000-05:00

We have so much to be thankful for.

For my husband, without him I would be nothing.

Baby Jay, who has showed me what life is really all about. I miss him so much, but I am so thankful that he came into my life.

Jacen who is our blessing and has been the healing in our hearts that we need.

Our family. Even though one of our babies is not with us on earth we are still so thankful for both of them, and each other.

Shelby who was brought into our lives at just the right time. She has been amazing to our family. I dont know what I would have done those very dark days without her.

And of course our parents. Who have given so much for us and helped us tremendously. We can never thank them enough for what they have done for us. But we appreciate them and love them so much.

Our brothers and sister. They are amazing. I have never felt so blessed.

Happy thanksgiving!

Real love and real friends....

2010-11-23T21:20:00.000-05:00

I know I know I have been on this "friends" thing. But I am still reading my "Grace for the moment" book and I keep finding these verses that just speak to me.

This one just really hit home for me: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

For mommies who have lost babies this is a really hard thing to do. "rejoice with those who rejoice." When another mom is pregnant or we see someone walking down the street that we do not know and they are pregnant, sometimes we find ourselves hurt again, some even bitter that this person is carrying a child and might be totally oblivious to child loss. While here we are suffering and hurting for our children who did not make into this world or get to stay in this world very long.

I personally did not have this issue after losing Jay. I never really thought about it. I did have thoughts run through my mind like: "I hope she is kick counting" or "I wonder if she knows about kick counting" or "I hope her baby makes it safely into this world." Whenever I found out friends where pregnant after losing Jay I was completely happy for them. I never felt that they were trying to hurt me. Of course there were many times I felt sorry for us because of what we didnt have anymore. And times I thought "why me? why couldnt my son stay here" But I was never bitter towards them.

"Weep with those who weep" this part doesnt come easy to some after the first couple of months of grieving. I say that because to those outside of the babyloss community, after a couple of months some people(not all)a expect us to "be over it" even though we know that will never happen. True love and true friendship will never expect that of us. That is an impossible expectation.

The first couple months after losing Jay, I had co-workers just sit and cry with me and listen to me talk about him. Others if they saw me coming would turn the other way and almost run to avoid me. I felt so alone. True friends will love you no matter what has happened or happening in your life. Unfortunately during your most difficult times in life you will come to find who your true and loving friends are, and you will gain friends you never expected.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" Romans 12:15

Is there a moment when this verse became reality in your life?

For me a co-worker became pregnant and we were ecstatic for her, then at 16 weeks she miscarried and we cried together. Shared stories about our sons and laughed at the silly things we did and thought during pregnancy.

Made for heaven.....

2010-11-18T21:32:00.000-05:00

I have this book by Max Lucado called "Grace for the moment" and I have been reading it pretty much every night. Last night I happened across this:

Made for Heaven
"My kingdom does not belong to this world" John 18:36

This was the passage that got me thinking. "unhappiness on earth cultivates a hunger for heaven." isnt that the truth? we as parents who have lost our children can definitely relate to this. He goes on to say "The only tragedy, then is to be satisfied prematurely. To settle for earth. To be content in a strange land....We are not happy here because we do not belong here. We are "like foreigners and strangers in this world" 1 Peter 2:11

I have said from day 1 of my journey through grief that I feel like I am from another world visiting this strange place called earth. I am not happy with this world because I do not belong here. My heart is in heaven with my son. When I lost my son I was not happy being here and did not want to spend one more moment here. I was ready for heaven. God gave me another gift my 2nd child and I am once again content with being on earth for the time being until He calls me home to heaven. When I go home, I will leave this alien world behind and at last feel like I belong. I will run to the child that was called for a higher duty and will be blissfully reunited with him and I will praise my Lord for bringing me home at last. Those are the joys I am looking forward to when I am finally home.

30 months...

2010-11-16T10:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday marked 30 months in heaven. Grief has changed again for me. I rarely have bad days anymore, dont get me wrong I think about Jay ALL the time, there isnt a moment that I am not thinking about him and what he would be doing right now. But grief rarely takes me under anymore. I still have "triggers" if you will, but nothing in comparison to what it used to be like.

Today more than anything else I find that not only have I realized that few people talk to me now but I myself have realized I am different, and I'm not sure that I like the person that I am. I know I am the only one to change that, but its hit me hard why no one wants to talk to me anymore. I've never been a "people" person and have always been quiet and could care less if there are people around me, so long as I have family there for me. Which I do. I've always been one to shy away from big groups and prefer to be left alone. But after Jay died I realized that the few friends I felt I was close to have gone and I dont feel that it's just because baby loss is hard for anyone to hear or deal with but it's because I am a totally different person. Everyone used to tell me all the time "you are just so sweet" now I just get strange looks when I speak to anyone, even when it isnt about the loss of Jay. I feel that the world sees me as a different species and that when I speak I am speaking a different language.

When Jay passed I immediately felt that I was alien to this world and that I was not wanted here. Today that still holds true. I feel very much alone. I pretty much just stay home with Jacen and play with him, I do not go anywhere unless its to the park, grocery store or to have lunch with the hubby. I dont get emails from friends anymore unless I email them first. Which I am ok with, but I've been wondering why. I know not all of them are because I am that alien that no one wants to be around because her baby died but because of the person that I have become since that tragedy.

I used to work with a woman whose son died at the age of 40, everyone used to call her "strange" and "mental" and "nutcase". I feel now in the small circle of friends that I had, I am that person. I really am fine with being left alone, but what bothers me is that a few of these friends have children around Jacen's age and I have tried a few times to get a play date going for Jacen (since he isnt around anyone else but me) I figured it would good for him to be around kids his age. But when I try I get nothing from any of them. I find it really sad that because no one wants to talk or be around me, they are going to do the same to my son. That is what bothers me.

"God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34

~My darling son, I love and miss you so much. I think about you everyday.

Jays sketchbook page...

2010-11-10T17:46:00.000-05:00

This is Jay's memorial page for The Sketchbook project. I love the way it turned out!!! Couldn't have done a better job!

Busy Mom's Bible....

2010-11-01T11:39:00.000-04:00

I found the Busy Mom's Bible at kmart last night and had to get it. Let me tell you I love it!!

I need something to help me through. After losing Jay I have lost what faith I had. Growing up we went to church every Sunday and Wednesday night. I was at the young age of 12 a Sunday school teacher. I loved what I believed and how God's grace always shined down on me. I felt His love and presence with me always. Then our church unexpectedly divided and our family and other families had to leave. Something did not feel right. I couldnt find my place after that. I continued to believe and feel Christ with me. But after awhile I seemed to have lost my path. I never got into anything bad, but it was like church and Jesus were just a mere thought of what was.

Then we lost Jay, everything I ever believed in was torn apart. Inside I was angry at God and constantly questioned Him, "Why". At first I would say my beliefs were "shaken" but after a couple of months I resented God. Even though growing up I learned and felt it in my heart that you do not question God. God is our creator and He knows my very soul. But still I was hurt, blinded and angry enough to question Him.

To this day I find days though not very often anymore, I question Him still. I question His existence in my heart and my life. Growing up I felt that I was immune to bad things because I was protected by God's love. However, you may love God and you have God's love in return that does not mean you are immune to life's tragedies. But because God loves us he uses those tragedies to show us that He is good and through Him you will find peace.

Today I was looking through the Thought Starters in my Busy Mom Bible and found this verse-

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4

I cried and rejoiced at the same moment. The only thing that gets me through the hard days is this: I know in my heart that when my time comes and I get to heaven my son will be waiting for me along with others that I love that have gone to be with our Maker. We will be together again in our true home, Heaven.

Today is a new day. I pray that I will get on the path again, right now I'm in the pasture headed for the path. With God's grace, love and patience I will be there before sunset on my last day here on this temporary home.

29 months and Pregnancy and Infant loss rememberance day...

2010-10-15T20:05:00.002-04:00

Today is always an emotionally hard day. For the past 2 years its been hard. But day by day my grief has changed, its not raw like it was at the beginning but it hurts none the less. Every day is a struggle to understand the unknown and the why. But remembering that God's plan for us is something greater and beautiful helps me to make it through.

Before Jacen arrived I knew what each day would be like and it was hard to face each day. But now that Jacen is here he makes me smile and warms my heart like no one else can. And just hearing him talk to his brother and run around the house saying "bubba" just warms me more. It saddens me for a moment but I remember Jay is watching over Jacen and they get to play and talk to each other and that makes me happy. Our family has something that is truly amazing and even though we miss our son dearly we love our life, because we know what his purpose is. We have been given the rare opportunity to see it. For that we are forever grateful.

For all babies gone too soon tonight a candle was lit in your memory. You are thought of daily and loved for eternity.

For my beloved son who was born May 15th, 2008 and my baby brother who was born March 15th, 1985. You both are loved and missed so much.

Love the quick pages......

2010-10-08T22:18:00.000-04:00

Thank you to Franchesca for the quick page!

Butterfly....

2010-09-27T12:18:00.000-04:00

Thank you so much Rachel!! I love it so much.

http://www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com/

Love this....

2010-09-24T20:09:00.000-04:00

Thank you so much Cathrin. I love it!

28 months....

2010-09-15T10:03:00.000-04:00

Isaiah 41:10

10~ So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I dont know what to even say. Its been too long and on the other hand time isnt going fast enough. All I can do is put all my fears, tears and anger in God's hands. He will guide me and walk with me through this. Yes its been 2 years 4 months and its still just as vivid as it was the week after he left me. Those people who seem to think that saying "time will heal everything" is a good thing to say to us, are wrong, in time we learn that we are defeated and yes to an extent the pain might lessen for some but I firmly believe time does not heal everything. This is one thing time does not heal.

My darling son, I love you with all my heart and miss you so much.

Tears.....

2010-08-16T11:50:00.000-04:00

Today I find it incredibly hard to go forward. I miss you so much! The tears are flowing and won't stop. I want to find peace, I want to find comfort. But I don't see it happening, my heart hurts and my anger is growing, again. It's unfair. I had a brief flashback to the night he was born and saw how I lay in the hospital bed waiting his arrival. I cry because I want to be there again in that moment, so that I may prepare the memories all over again. Instead of being in a medicated state I would be awake and planning his arrival. I would take more pictures, I would get molds of his feet and hands, I would bring his whole closet if I could so that we may see him in HIS clothes. I would wrap my arms around him for days if they would have let me, instead of the measly 10 minutes I took. I would unwrap him from his blanket and look at him, I would take off his little hat to see his beautiful hair. I would kiss him and hug him all night.

Grief comes and goes on its own accord. Some days it hits hard and others its there but it doesn't consume me as it does today.

So for now to ease this sorrow and pain, I will take his little brother and hold him tight and not let him go until he screams for me to do so, and maybe even then I won't. :)

I love you my dear son and I miss you so very much.

27 long months without you......

2010-08-15T20:19:00.000-04:00

Everyday is still the same, painful. I can't believe 27 months have come and gone. I can't believe this pain still is as strong as it was the moment I found out you were gone. Everyone says "it gets easier as time goes by..." I don't believe it, 2 years and 3 months later and it still feels like I am hit by a truck every morning when I wake up and remember "its not a dream, my son really is dead" All of the "what if's" and "could have beens" and "should bes" still follow me daily.

I look at that sweet little boy you saved almost 16 months ago and smile because you are my son and that wonderful thing you did was and still is amazing. Many don't believe me, some have even told me I need to seek help. But no doctor or amount of help would matter, because I am not sick. I don't know why it is so hard for some people to believe that angels come to do God's work and save people daily. Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there.

I am in waiting now, waiting for the day when I get to see your beautiful face again. I am waiting for the moment to hold you again. I am waiting to see your beautiful smile, and hear your wonderful laugh, and see you playing with the other children who live in Heaven. I am waiting....

I think about you everyday, every moment and think to myself "how could this have happened?" But I know God had a higher plan for your life and I have to accept that, some days I do and others I find it hard to do.

I love you and miss you so much.

Grandma...

2010-08-04T16:07:00.000-04:00

Thank you for all your prayers. They have found her and she is doing well. They found her across the street from her own home at a neighbors who was not at home. She is 82 and has dementia so she thought it was her house.

I am glad she is safe and back with her family. This is my real father's mother and even though we have had rough times, I would never wish anything bad to happen to him or his family.

What a crazy day, but glad it ended well.

My grandma is missing....

2010-08-03T12:22:00.000-04:00

If anyone living near Chickasha, Ok has seen her, please call the local police. News story click the link to view.

She is 82 and has dementia. I don't know much else as that side of my family doesn't talk to my brother or I. But I certainly dont want anything bad to happen to her.

Please pray that they find her and she is fine.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

2010-07-30T15:15:00.000-04:00

I submitted our story here, this is a wonderful place to put a face to all the mommies you associate with through this nightmare. Go check it out and grab their button...(my face is on it!:))

The visit...

2010-07-28T16:00:00.004-04:00

I went to the cemetery today for a visit since I havent been out there since April. I first went out there and realized I hadn't changed his flowers since April! Everything still looked fine but his flowers were old and dirty and faded. I went and bought him some new ones and came back and sat there with him and Jacen sitting beside me playing. I loved that moment. For one short brief moment...I was with both of my boys. I didn't want to leave but I knew it was time, it was getting very hot and Jacen was getting fussy. One brief moment we were all together, the way it SHOULD have been.

Then on the drive home I heard this song I have not heard before, "If I Die Young"...and I cried all the way home..and all I could think about was

If I die young...bury me beside my son, If I die young don't cry for me because I am home. If I die young, hold my hand and bury me with love and know that I will see you again. Bury me with a picture of me and BOTH of my sons.

26 months...

2010-07-15T12:25:00.002-04:00

Hello baby boy. 26 months have come and gone and there isnt a day that has gone by that I dont think of you. I love you more than anything.

Many days now I don't know what to say or what to even think. But I do know for sure that my sons are the world to me and I will love them to the end of time. My angel for what ever reason could not stay here and then his little brother came and he was there to save him. I know his purpose and even though I am sad and heartbroken that he is not here with me, it makes me so very proud to be his mother and know that his death had a reason that is beyond anything I can even began to comprehend.

Today I am going to hug my son a little more and tell him I love him a little more and to my son in heaven, I will think about him more, and just love being his mommy more than I ever have if that is even possible. I ask you to pray for Ashley's family. They are missing another piece of their family today. He is a brother, a son, a grandson, a friend, a nephew and an UNCLE that will be missed by his family and friends.

2 year anniversary.....

2010-07-12T13:07:00.002-04:00

I meant to post this on the 4th of July weekend, but we got kind of busy.

July 4th marked the 2nd anniversary for the blog!

I wish I would have run into blogging before Jay passed and would have had more memories posted here for him and us to look back on but unfortunately I didn't even know blogging existed until after he had passed away.

I love and miss you so much my darling boy.

PMDD?

2010-06-22T13:32:00.004-04:00

I know I know its crazy, but I seriously think I have PMDD. Why you might ask? I've been trying to figure out for some time now what could be causing me all these problems such as

insomnia
anger (not from grief either, just anger that comes out of no where. Well I guess it could be from grief.)
terrible mood swings and other things.

When Jacen was first born I thought well maybe its from just giving birth and having a baby at home and all of the "first" mommy experiences compounded with grief. But its been 14 months later and I still see no relief.

I also thought depression because of everything we have been though and that could still very well be the case, but on a typical day I feel "fine" but when it is coming close to that time of the month (TMI) is when all of this really hits me hard. I am a total mess and seems like every little thing sets me off. Here is some info I found about PMDD...

from Mary Gallenberg, M.D.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe, sometimes disabling form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Although regular PMS and PMDD both have physical and emotional symptoms, PMDD causes extreme mood shifts that can disrupt your work and damage your relationships. About 30 percent of menstruating women have PMS. Up to 8 percent of women with PMS have symptoms that meet the diagnostic criteria for PMDD.

In both PMDD and PMS, symptoms occur in the last week of the menstrual cycle and usually improve within a few days after menstruation begins. Both PMDD and PMS may also cause bloating, breast tenderness, fatigue, and changes in sleep and eating habits. In PMDD, however, the following emotional and behavioral symptoms stand out:

Anxiety
Feelings of being "keyed up" or "on edge"
Persistent irritability
Marked anger

The cause of PMDD isn't clear. Underlying depression and anxiety are common in both PMS and PMDD, so it's possible that the normal physical changes that trigger a menstrual period somehow exacerbate mood disorders.

Treatment of PMDD is directed at preventing or minimizing symptoms and may include:

Antidepressants. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as fluoxetine (Prozac, others) and sertraline (Zoloft, others), reduce symptoms such as fatigue, food cravings and sleep problems. You can control PMDD by taking SSRIs all month or only in the interval between ovulation and the start of your period.
Birth control pills. Taking birth control pills stops ovulation and stabilizes hormone fluctuations. Birth control pills containing drospirenone and packaged with a four-day placebo interval after 24 days of combination hormones may be more effective than are standard birth control pills.
Nutritional supplements. Consuming 1,000 milligrams of dietary and supplemental calcium daily may reduce the physical and emotional symptoms of PMDD. Vitamin B-6, magnesium and L-tryptophan also may help.
Herbal remedies. Clinical trials suggest that chasteberry may reduce irritability, mood swings, anger and headaches associated with PMDD.
Diet and lifestyle changes. Regular exercise often reduces premenstrual symptoms. Cutting back caffeine intake can alleviate anxiety and irritability. Also, eating more carbohydrates in the week before your period may improve mood and memory.

It's important that you review your symptoms with your doctor. A thorough medical evaluation can determine if symptoms are due to PMDD or some other condition. If you are diagnosed with PMDD, your doctor can recommend specific treatments to help minimize the impact PMDD has on the days you experience symptoms.

Hello baby...

2010-06-15T13:04:00.003-04:00

Today I woke up and this song was stuck in my head..."So far away, doesnt anybody stay in one place anymore?" I cant remember the name of the song and who sings it. But I realized why it was stuck in my head, because today is your day. 25 months! It seems unreal.

How could this have happened? We wanted you and wanted to love you. We would have never done you harm. We would have protected you from everything even if it meant our lives. We still want you here with us and love you so much.

Some days I am just without words. I dont know what to think, I dont know how to feel, I dont know what to do.

I love you so much my baby boy.

I want to show you some pictures I found and just had to buy. They made me think of you! :)

Love you.

Doing what God called him to do....

2010-06-11T20:41:00.002-04:00

I may get bits of this story wrong and I'm sorry but this is just too amazing to me not to share.

A woman that works with my mother in law has a daughter who was pregnant. Just last week she went into early labor due to some complications. The grandma left work to rush to the hospital to be with her daughter and the daughter's boyfriend. Due to the complications the doctors told the family that they had a major decision to make, either save the baby, save the mommy or "try" and save both. In the midst of making a decision (they had a couple hours it seemed) they all fell asleep.

The grandma is woken up by "someone" she says, and is told to check the baby's heartbeat. She looks at the heart rate monitor for the baby and just knows something is wrong. She calls for a nurse and tells her "something is wrong with the heartbeat, what is going on?" The nurse blows it off and tells her the baby is doing fine. Not satisfied with this answer the grandma demands the nurse get the doctor right away. The doctor comes in and the grandma tells him the same thing. The doctor checks it out and says "you are right we have at most 10 minutes to get this baby out!" They rush the mom to the OR and gets the baby in time.

Now I must tell you that my mother in law only knows this woman (grandma) in passing and has never spoken to her about my son (Baby Jay).

The grandma returns to work a few days later to tell my mother in law that "I remember Baby Jay, and not wanting to upset her says "Baby Jay or....ummm God came to me and woke me up and told me to check my granddaughter's heart beat." (Not exact words) This woman only knows that we lost our son by my father in law who used to be her boss. But he never has spoken that much about him only that he passed away, but not much else. She also did not know that we call him Baby Jay. But she kept saying, I remember Baby Jay. As if she was saying (but not wanting to upset) that he was there and she saw him and thats how she knew to check.

That baby and her mommy are doing great. They both went home yesterday and are in perfect health, when only a few days ago the doctors were saying they could only "guarantee" that they could save only one of them.

This I believe is one of those moments you would have had to been in to fully understand this story. As soon as I heard this I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God sent my son to that woman and helped save that baby girl.

God's plan for my sweet Jay is beyond anything I can imagine. But I know, WE all know that God is showing us that He did in fact need Baby Jay. Not that we ever doubted Him but when grieving you dont see clearly. And you began to beg to understand.

God has spoken....VOLUMES.

Memorial Site...

2010-06-05T22:55:00.002-04:00

I created a memorial page for Jay if you would like to come check it out click here.

Thank you again Sandie!

2010-06-01T20:05:00.000-04:00

Grief.....I hate you.

2010-06-01T00:25:00.002-04:00

May, can you be completely over yet?

Since May began I have been having those oh so wonderful flashbacks of the night Jay died. Not just a "I remember that night vividly" type thing, oh no its the I smell all the same things I did that night, I hear all the same things I heard that night, I VIVIDLY remember the touch of a few things that night.

Its as if that night is happening all over again only thing is that night will never end for me. It isnt one of those I had the worst night of my life or a bad day, those you can go on the next day as if nothing happened. This night will follow me FOREVER. Those smells, sounds and everything else about that night will haunt me until I die.

I remember the clothes I wore when we got up out of bed to go to the hospital, I remember the smell of the car, I remember the phone conversation between me and my mom as I called her on my way there, I remember the smell of the ER as we entered, I remember the conversation between us and the attendant at the ER, I remember the L&D nurse that came and got us, I remember changing into the hospital gown, I remember the smell of the bathroom as I changed, I remember the sound of the heartbeat monitor, I remember the touch of the nurses hand on my wrist as she checked HIS heartbeat to my pulse, I remember walking to my birthing suit, I remember the feel and smell of that room, I remember the ticking of the clock as it ticked the moments I had left with Jay away, I remember the feel of the U/S wand on my belly as it revealed that Jay's heart was no longer beating, I remember the smell of Dr. M's cologne when he came in to tell us that Jay had died, I remember Dr. H touching my arm and hugging me the next morning, I remember few moments after they gave me whatever medicine that knocked me out, I remember the sudden emptiness and loneliness I felt the moment Jay's body entered this world, I remember the show that was on TV when he entered this world(we had it on for sound), I remember the smell of his body when they brought him to me, I remember the feel of his blankets, I remember his tiny beautiful face, I remember the smell of my body after Jay's body was taken from mine, I remember the shower after delivering him, I remember the sleepless night, I remember being wheeled down to the car when it was time to go home, I remember the smell of the house when we entered it, I remember the look on Shelby's (our black lab)face when we came in the door, I remember the smell of my shampoo, I remember the first time I walked into his room after we got home. Devastating.

Grief, I hate you. These moments will follow me until the day I die. The most horrible part of all of this is, I can only remember few things about Jay after he was born. I hate that. I hate that life has to be this way, that in our world sometimes our children don't out live their parents. That parents have to bury their babies. Its not fair at all.

I dont wish I could pretend his life didn't happen, who would I be if I did? But I wish that life didn't have to be this way.

All I can say is...Grief I hate you!

Prayers for Courtney....

2010-05-31T17:42:00.001-04:00

Please send your support and love to Courtney who lost her 3rd son this morning.

I am so sorry Courtney. Our love and prayers go out to you and your family.

Thank you Sandie!!

2010-05-31T09:55:00.002-04:00

I love them!

Garden...

2010-05-29T20:09:00.001-04:00

This was taken in April right before Jacen's 1st birthday. April 15th.
This was taken today. May 29th

Forever on my mind...

2010-05-29T19:19:00.003-04:00

This beautiful creature was on my front porch this morning.

You are never far from my thoughts and I always know when you are near, as a mother who has lost their child I always have a feeling when you are near. Today I know you were around. For whatever reason God allows me this gift, even though I have been angry. I guess He is showing me that He is still good and that He is the light and the path. Only way to the Father.

Seriously??

2010-05-24T21:21:00.002-04:00

Seriously....I just got some random person who commented on my last post...name is "MrLonely" says..."nice blog! Come check mine out when you have a moment." Um how about NO! This is a sacred place to me and its for my dead son! If you are looking for women to check out your freaky page go some place else. DO NOT COME BACK HERE. I will warn you and anyone else looking to disrespect my son only once.

As of right now comments are being changed, I will review all comments before they will show up on the post. Sorry but I wont stand for it. There are too many times I see mothers hurt by people saying things they shouldn't.

Random pictures.....

2010-05-24T11:28:00.003-04:00

These are just some pictures I never got to add to here.
Thank you Heather for Jay's pendant...I love it!

Missing you....

2010-05-24T11:21:00.003-04:00

After your birthday memorial was over I was sitting at the end of the pool with my feet in the water watching all the beautiful candles and lights and just remembering back to that night 2 years ago when you entered into this world without making a sound.

As I was about to stand up I looked down and next to me was a puddle of candle wax that had dried on the ground....I picked it up because it looked different. What I held in my hand was a heart.

I miss you my son. You will forever have my heart with you.

Funeral.....

2010-05-20T08:44:00.005-04:00

In the first 2 pictures it was pointed out to me later that Jesus is in the background...at first I didnt believe it. I thought "does that really happen?" Then WHERE he was at was pointed out and I believe it now.

I have never posted about this before but today it is on my mind. 2 years ago today we buried my perfect little angel. 2 years ago today we laid his sweet innocent body to rest...forever. It is hard to believe.
Hard to move.
Hard to continue on.
Hard to breath.
Hard to do anything at all.

I love and miss you so much Peanut!! Until heaven receives me I will hold you in my heart forever.

Birthday pictures....

2010-05-17T12:07:00.002-04:00

Here are a few pictures from the birthday memorial. Some of the ones after dark didnt turn out so well if we didnt have the flash on...and well I didnt really like them with the flash on (you werent seeing what I was seeing.) :)

Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday....

2010-05-14T21:04:00.002-04:00

My sweet baby boy, I can not believe 2 years have come and gone. This time 2 years ago I was at birthing class sitting next to your daddy and listening to our instructor talking about if something is wrong and how we should go to the ER immediately if we are having certain problems and such. I remember sitting there thinking, "oh my goodness I can not even imagine being in that position." It never crossed my mind that later on I would be in that very spot.

I remember waking up to contractions and timing them before I freaked out. I laid there looking at the clock for an hour before waking up daddy. I remember the last time I looked at he clock it was 12:30am and contractions were every 3 minutes. When I woke daddy up and told him it was time to go he jumped up and threw on some clothes and I sat up and I remember being so very cold. I didn't think anything of it, just that night our instructor told us that you can run fever during labor. So I thought it was all a part of being in labor. I had no idea what lay ahead and that the happiest time in our lives would soon turn to our worst nightmare. I remember daddy asking me on the way to the hospital if I thought I was running a fever I said I wasn't sure. I got out our book that we got that night in birthing class to look up the warning signs that something might be wrong, and found the page that clearly stated....FEVER- get to hospital immediately. My excitement soon turned to fright. When we finally got to Tallahassee we stopped at a convenient store to buy a thermometer to see if I was running fever. They didn't have one. Then we saw a CVS and stopped at it, I called my mom to make sure I was actually in labor, because I hadn't felt a contraction since we had left the house. Daddy comes back to the car with the thermometer and I think I remember my fever being 99.something.

We get to the hospital ER and daddy tells the nurse that I was having abdominal pain....(silly moment...but I kind of laughed and told him to make sure and tell her I was pregnant, because she asked me if I had a Will filled out.) When he told her she laughed and said "oh never mind you will be going to the 3rd floor for labor and delivery." Soon a night nurse came and got us and took us up to triage. Where I was then hooked up to the heart monitor and contraction monitor. AND where the nurse told us that your heartbeat looked great! That very quickly changed as she realized that it was picking up my heartbeat. (at this point my sense of time left me) For what seemed like forever the nurse and other nurses were coming and checking my pulse with your heartbeat. Finally we were told that our doctor would be in shortly and that we were being moved to a birthing suite and that they were also instructed to do an ultrasound to make sure you were doing fine.

The ultrasound tech came in and did the ultrasound so that we could see you and right there on the monitor I could see the spot where your heart should have been beating....but there was no heartbeat. I remember wanting to scream! I remember the nurse asking me to hold my breath for a moment to make sure that your heartbeat was there and that maybe it was just very faint. I already knew that you were gone there was no need to keep checking. No use...you had already left this world before you even entered it. Finally Dr. M came in and gave us the grave news. We then had to make the decision on what to do next, something no parent is ever prepared for. I won't go on with the rest as most of the rest of the birthing process I don't remember because I was under a lot of medication to keep me out and I know I've written to you about it many times.

In many ways your passing has changed me a lot of ways for the better and a lot of ways I feel for bad. Grief has paid its toll on me (us) and will continue to do so. Its hard to go through each day knowing that you are not here in my arms or running around the house screaming and chasing Shelby or playing with Jacen. But no matter how grief has changed me I would do everything all over again if I could even if I knew the outcome would be the same. Those 37 weeks we spent together were the best of my life and I would not change them or take them back for anything.

Tomorrow we will be celebrating the short life you had with us. There will be candles and cake and food and so much love for you. I hope you come to join us in the celebration. If a butterfly comes to visit I will know it was you. If the brightest star lights up the night sky I will know it was you winking your beautiful eyes. I love you so much baby. I miss you like crazy it hurts.
I saw this poem and it made me think of you. *it has been slightly changed*

I Still Miss You
by Damaris Calderon

It's been some time, since you've been gone
I thought by now, I would be strong
I think of you, and shed my tears
I wonder who, will still my fears.

Your memories remain, inside my heart
My soul it seems, to be torn apart
You told me secrets, I hold so dear
I only wish, you would be near.

I still miss and love you, can't you see
I wish to hold, and talk with thee
So many things, I could not say
And now you've gone, so far away.

You taught me to, in God believe
You said he would always, take care of me
So take my hand, and guide me there
And save a place, one day to share.

A sweet reminder....

2010-04-26T08:04:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to say good morning my sweet boy. The other night as we were putting Jacen to bed I happened to look up and see this for us on the ceiling of his room. Sweet thing is it was on his birthday. It was a sweet reminder that you are around watching over us. I love you my darling.

Thank you....

2010-04-26T07:58:00.003-04:00

Thank you Chris over at Treasure from my heart for my sweet boys name. I love it!

23 months....

2010-04-15T11:53:00.002-04:00

Does it ever stop hurting so much? In the 23 months you have been gone, each day that passes hasn't been any less painful than the day before it. Sure there are days that I don't cry anymore, but there are still days that I do. Today I have cried, I have asked why, I have wondered, I have ached and most of those are not any different than any other day. With each new thing that Jacen does, I see what you would have been doing at that age. Makes me ache even more for you. I try to understand that God has a purpose and try to understand that He has planned each of our lives out for us, before we ever even live it. But its hard to understand why our babies have to leave us. Its hard to understand why parents who abuse their babies are allowed to have them. Its hard to understand why those babies are allowed to stay here and endure such pain. I loved you and would have given my life for you, but you were taken away from me. WHY??? I wanted nothing but the very best for you. I would have shown you every day how much I loved you. I wanted to teach you about God and His ultimate sacrifice for us. Teaching you to be good to others and teaching you how to be kind to everyone. But yet you could not stay with me. I saw a little article today about a 5 month old baby who endured so much in the 5 months of her life than anyone should ever have to endure..ever. But yet her parents were allowed to have her, do these horrible things to her, cause her so much pain and then her pain was relieved by death. But her parents were allowed to get pregnant and keep her and did these things to her. Why? I know mommies who have been trying to get pregnant for years and cant and they would never do such horrible things to their babies, but they are not allowed for whatever reason to have children, but yet these monsters are. I just dont understand! 23 months and my arms ache unbelievably. Its excruciating and all I can do is whisper your name.

I love you more than life itself my sweet son. I miss you every day, every moment with every breath. Thank you for being with us and with your brother, he loves talking to you and I love knowing that its you he is talking with. I love seeing you together even if you arent in the flesh. I love you!

Just thoughts....

2010-04-14T10:24:00.002-04:00

"You were knitted together in my inner most being"
Now you knit me together with your love and your presence.

"For you are fearfully and wonderfully made"
You certainly are, and I would do it again in a heartbeat even if it came to the same outcome....it would be one more time that I get to see you and hold you and tell you how much I love you.

Life will never be the same. No pregnancy following you will ever be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. You helped get Jacen here and showed me how beautiful life still is. I can not imagine life without either one of you.

I love you.

Please Pray...

2010-04-13T12:21:00.002-04:00

A good friend of mines son who turned 1 today is in the hospital. The doctors do not know what is wrong with him. They thought it was a staph infection in his blood but now they are thinking its something with his immune system along with other possibilities . Please pray for this little man, He unfortunately has to spend his 1st birthday in the hospital.

Thanks to my sister.....

2010-04-09T21:08:00.001-04:00

Thank you, Lisette.

2010-04-07T09:06:00.002-04:00

Thank you for thinking of our Angels on this special day.

Jay's Pendant...

2010-04-06T21:30:00.003-04:00

Thank you Heather!! I received it in the mail today and I absolutely love love love it!!

Happy Easter...

2010-04-04T20:28:00.002-04:00

Hello my sweet baby. I hope you are having a wonderful Easter, matter of fact I know you are. I can just picture you sitting on Jesus' lap along with all the other angel babies, while He tells of His life. We have missed you very much. We are so very blessed to have you in our lives even if you are in heaven. We are very thankful for the short time that we did have with you and thankful for your little brother.

We bought you an Easter bunny and just wanted to show it to you.

We love you very much precious baby and miss you dearly.

Thank you Beth!!

2010-04-02T16:36:00.001-04:00

Name on the sidewalk...

2010-03-29T21:00:00.001-04:00

Thank you!

Thank you Laura Angel...

2010-03-28T10:42:00.001-04:00

Sunset..

2010-03-27T08:58:00.000-04:00

Collage for Jay...

2010-03-18T13:51:00.001-04:00

Thank you Jessica! I just love it!

Another Visit?

2010-03-17T13:06:00.004-04:00

Hi sweetheart,
I am just wondering if you are visiting us again today?

We went in to Jacen's room to put him down for a nap and had a movie playing in the living room and his music playing in his room. We had been in his room for about 20 minutes when all of a sudden the house seems to get quiet and his music table that he got for Christmas starts playing music! His music table was in the living room sitting in the middle of the room because he had just been playing with it. It plays like 20 different songs when you spin the little spinner thing, (in the picture you will see it on your right) well it kept playing the same 3 songs over and over again. Very strange. I just have to wonder if you were playing with it? When I came into the living room to see what was going on, it stopped. I called Daddy, and walked passed it again and just as soon as I said "huh, its not doing it now" it started up again.

Prayers are needed...

2010-03-16T14:15:00.003-04:00

A friend that I used to work with lost her daughter on Sunday in a car accident. Her daughter was 21, the friend that she was with who was also killed left behind 4 children and the young driver of the other car was also killed. Very sad time for many people. Prayers are needed for these families.

Angel Visit....

2010-03-15T17:57:00.002-04:00

You were with us today. I just love these moments when I got the camera out and right there you are with us playing even though we cant see you.

We love you very much my sweet boy. Thank you for coming to see us today. Heaven knew we needed you today.

22 months...

2010-03-15T13:44:00.002-04:00

Hello my sweet peanut.

It has been 22 months today, and I am having a hard time believing it has been almost 2 years! We are in the midst of planning your 2nd heavenly birthday. I fight back tears just thinking about it.
*how appropriate, your wind chime is ringing in the breeze.* I love you my dear son, you know how much I miss you. I tell you all the time.

It's sad, last Thursday a mommy lost her sweet daughter, and today they are having to say good-bye to her earthly body. I was reading her blog a little bit ago about being able to spend time with Amelia and it brought back so many memories about the very short time we had with you. Her words just hit me like a knife and I lost my breath as I thought about what I wish I would have done in the few short days I had to hold onto you. I had no idea later on I would think of all these things and wish that I would have done them. I wasn't thinking straight, we were blindsided by your death. My heart breaks for her and her family because all to well do I remember those days, weeks and months following your passing.

Be with little Amelia, we know she is safe in heaven. But her family misses her so much. Let her know she can still visit them just like you visit us from time to time.

I love you sweet little one. I am so proud of you.

New garden pictures...

2010-03-14T18:48:00.004-04:00

Call for help....

2010-03-12T14:11:00.003-05:00

Today, First Candle is requesting your help. 
Just a few minutes of your time can help propel
a movement that will save thousands of babies’
lives for future generations to come.
We are joining our friends at the C. J.
Foundation for SIDS, 
to seek co-sponsors for S.1445 and H.R. 3212…
the Stillbirth and SUID Prevention, 
Education and Awareness Act. This act is
sponsored by D-NJ Senator Frank Lautenberg 
and Congressman Frank Pallone, Jr.,
and quite simply the single most promising piece
of legislation crafted in the past decade to
promote infant survival and address the
sudden unexpected death of young
children related to SIDS, SUID, SUDC and Stillbirth. 
An incredible amount of legislative staff
time has been put into understanding the 
issues and defining ways in which we can
reduce the risk for future families.
Nothing you can do today will have
more meaning and prevent more tragic losses.
PLEASE CONTACT YOUR CONGRESSIONAL
LEADERS IN THE HOUSE AND SENATE TODAY.

By clicking on the following link provided
by the C.J. Foundation for SIDS, 
it will be easy to type in your zip code
and automatically direct your letter to 
the appropriate congressional offices.
You may personalize the letter or send the 
template as is.

http://www.facebook.com/l/f52f3;www.votervoice.net/groups/sids

My personal goal is to have a minimum of
81 co-sponsors by Mothers’ Day…equivalent 
to the number of babies who are stillborn
plus the number of babies who die of 
Sudden Unexpected Infant or Child Death
EVERY DAY here in the United States.

Won’t you please help?????????? 
Please do it in honor of the babies and
children whom you love in your life.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart!!!

Marian Sokol, President of First Candle

*This message was an email from First Candle*

New Flowers...

2010-03-03T19:23:00.002-05:00

Hey sweetheart, Jacen and I came out for a visit today and brought you some new flowers and a few other things. Here are some pictures.

I love you baby.

Waterfall...

2010-03-02T15:12:00.000-05:00

Thank you Lisa, they are beautiful!

Tattoo...

2010-02-20T19:27:00.003-05:00

I got my tattoo today. I just love it, it turned out better than I could have imagined. I am so glad I finally have my angel on my shoulder constantly now.

21 months....

2010-02-15T11:25:00.002-05:00

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
by Unknown

Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that they love him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died at just before birth, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?

It has been 21 long months since I held you in my aching arms. I questioned everything that I knew and believed in when you passed. I had not prepared for this, but really even if I knew weeks before could I have really been "prepared"? I have asked myself this question for many months before Jacen was born, will my baby be a baby in heaven? I found out that answer when I went into the hospital to have Jacen. Let me just start from the beginning....(bear with me it might be long) We went in for our scheduled induction, everything was going great. He had a nice heartbeat, no problems at all. The next morning for some reason out of no where I got sick, started throwing up. I had been on Pitocin for about 6 hours with no problems, everything moving along nicely, last check I was dilated to 6. So the sick part no one could figure out where it came from. So anyways Jay called for a nurse to come check on me. Well in a matter of seconds there were what seemed like 20 nurses rushing around, rolling me over this way and that. All the while I am thinking...."not again, not again!" I hear one nurse get on the phone and call my OB and I hear her telling the nurse on the other end..."I dont care if he is with a patient...GET HIM HERE NOW!" Suddenly they say "We have to go now!" I hear Jay scream..."What is going on...someone tell me!" A nurse says "for some reason the baby's heartbeat has dropped and we cant get it to go back to normal, we have to go now!" This is as we are already leaving the room to go to the OR. We get to the OR and Jay is not allowed in, at this point I my body (brain really) has just shut down I am aware of what is going on around me but I cant react to it, cant scream, cant cry, cant get up, cant do anything. A nurse keeps asking me if I am alright, I shake my head, yes. When actually I feel like I am having an out of body experience. (We are already in OR at this point.) 3 minutes later my doctor arrived ready to start cutting. I hear him say..."Misty we are getting Jacen, but I have to put you under, OK?" I shake my head, and look over to my right and just before I go under....I see my son, who is gone from this world. He is handsome actually the most beautiful being I have ever seen. I dont know how else to describe him other than he was not old or young, he wasnt a baby or a little boy or a grown man. I knew it was my son because he had his face and looked just like him. He smiled at me just as the lights were going out for me. I felt myself "wanting" and probably trying to reach for him. Later I open my eyes and hear myself coughing so hard. I look over and see my father in law and mother in law sitting next to me. I ask about Jacen, and my mother in law says, "he is perfect and doing great and tells me that he looks just like me." I start crying and I dont remember if I said it out loud but I do remember thinking...."Jay is here, and he just saved his baby brother. Thank you my angel."

I have missed you dearly my precious baby boy. For 21 months I have tried to figure out and find answers, but the truth is there are no answers. The fact is God needed you to be one of his beautiful angels and thats where you are. I should not question His doings. God knows what is best for all of us. You are in the best care, the best hands. You wont feel pain or cry. You will never know the misery of losing someone you love so dearly and for all of that I am truly grateful. I do wish I could hold you again and see you again, but I know patience and time are my friends here. I will see you again, if it takes an eternity it will be well worth the long wait.
I love you sweetheart.

Collage...

2010-02-14T16:28:00.004-05:00

Thank you Paige for this great idea. I just love this program.

Happy Valentine's Day...

2010-02-14T11:09:00.003-05:00

Happy Valentines Day my angel. We wanted to tell you how much we love and miss you. The two garden stones are from your grandma and grandpa Oreo and the ladybug is from mommy and daddy, we got you a teddy bear too and brought it to you at the cemetery but mommy wasnt thinking and forgot the camera. We love you so very much my sweet baby.

Thinking...

2010-02-12T13:41:00.002-05:00

Good morning son, I am thinking about you (like always) and this morning as I was getting Jacen dressed, I pulled the shirt over his head and I thought "what would it have been like to have you running around the house while I was getting Jacen ready or doing anything for that matter?" Suddenly the house felt very quiet and lonely. Of course Jacen, Shelby, aunt Vicki and Scooter are here, so the house is by far not quiet but today it felt that way, without you. I cant help but think now more than ever, what would you be doing right this minute while Jacen naps. I know I definitely wouldnt be on this computer writing on this blog. I long to play with you and laugh with you and see you and Jacen playing and laughing together. Would we be curled up on the couch watching Star Wars and eating popcorn on this dreary, wet, lazy day? I wish I knew, I wish I werent just wishing I knew. I want to be living that dream instead of only wishing it were true.

I havent felt "well" in a long time. I feel fine physically but emotionally I dont feel fine. Inside I feel like a war is raging and like its never going to end. I have been thinking about calling the doctor, but every time I reach for the phone to try and make the call, all I can think is "you are so weak, you should be able to handle this yourself. How is everyone else going to see you when the doctor puts you on medicine for depression?"

All I can think of when that question comes to mind is...a sad soul and alone.

I dont want to be on medicine and I dont wish to speak to a stranger about something that they might not even understand. Losing a child isnt like having a gambling problem. I am not saying that a gambling problem should be dismissed but they are not the same. I know some of you might be thinking, "Jacen should be enough to snap you out of this." But let me explain something, when you lose a child and you go on to have one after that baby, its more difficult and complicated than you could imagine. Everything about this new baby reminds you every single day of what you missed out on with the child that passed. There are many days that we laugh, play and just have a beautiful time. But there are some days that although you are playing with him and laughing on the inside you are screaming and crying to hold that baby that you lost and all the while trying to smile and keep this baby happy while you are crying inside.

Then there are days like today, when all you do is dream of what life would be like with the both of them here with you. Playing cars, or running around chasing the dog, or screaming at me because they are hungry. Its not as simple as you might think. While Jacen does bring me so much happiness and mends my shattered heart a little bit everyday, there are days where I just simply feel that I can not function because of the unbearable emptiness and helplessness that is brought with losing a baby.

Blog makeover!

2010-02-09T18:34:00.001-05:00

Your blog looks great son! I hope you like it as much as I do. (I know you do) Thank you so much Ragan! We love it! :)

Jay's Angel Wings...

2010-01-27T20:17:00.002-05:00

I opened up my email tonight and found these waiting for me. I just love them. My angel baby forever.

Thank you Lea!

Beautiful Flower.....

2010-01-26T10:31:00.001-05:00

Good morning my beautiful baby. I was looking through some of my pictures and saw this one and it reminded me of you. I just wanted to tell you how much I love and miss you.

Love,
Mommy

Bring on the Rain....or not..

2010-01-24T21:32:00.003-05:00

So it's 9:30pm and it's raining out, about how I am feeling right now. To be honest I haven't cried in a while. I ache every moment of every day, but I haven't cried in awhile. Why is that? I visit him often, I make stuff for him all the time, I try to think of ways to memorialize other angel babies. But lately I can not cry? I still miss him like crazy and feel like screaming sometimes. Maybe its one of the "better" moments, the storm is likely coming.

20 months....

2010-01-15T07:29:00.002-05:00

Good morning my love. Today marks the day that you have been gone for 20 months. I feel you with me today, because so far its been a quiet day, but again its only 7:30am so there is still plenty of day left for the sadness to creep in. I still just as I always will have the ache in my heart for you but I know you are safe from the evil and sadness of this world. You are a special angel and even though I do not know why you could not stay with me I am thankful to have you in my life even if you arent here in the flesh with me. I love you my precious, beautiful son with all my heart and that will never change. When you were here you brought so much love and peace. You are my hope, my sunshine, my northern star, my everything. Without you and your little brother, I would be nothing but an empty person waiting for my day to die. I hope today is a "good" day but I know with you here its always a good day. I can feel your warmth and your love, something I can not explain to anyone but it feels good to be able to feel it. Thank you my sweet baby. Jacen and I will be coming out to visit you today and bring you fresh flowers. I love you my darling.

Love always,
Mommy

Place for an Angel....

2010-01-10T16:53:00.002-05:00

So I found this picture today and it just reminded me of what I imagine Heaven to be like. It also reminds me of Jay and the day he visited us in the form of a butterfly. So calm and peaceful.

New Year.....

2010-01-09T21:08:00.002-05:00

Ok so I have been terrible at blogging lately. But I hope to be better at it now. I am working (still) on getting the Heaven's Seashells going, having a hard time finding the time to work on it. But I hope to have it going soon, I will try to get a link to that blog added to here. Hopefully when it starts warming up I will be able to actually go to the beach and find some shells and take pictures of them there, well that is the plan anyways.

Hi son I hope you are having a wonderful time with all your family and friends there in Heaven. I love and miss you so very much. I will be coming out to visit you soon. I need to take down your Christmas tree and put up your new flowers. I cant believe we are already into 2010! This year I hope will be a better year for me emotionally, no the pain of losing you will never ever go away but I hope to find a way to be at peace with it. You are and will always be my star in the night sky, and I know anytime I need your guidance all I have to do is look for it. I love you sweet boy.

Love always,
Mommy

Merry Christmas..

2009-12-25T21:45:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas angel baby. This is our second Christmas without you and its still just as hard as it was last year. I know each year will be the same. I know you are having a beautiful Christmas up there in Heaven with Jesus and all your little angel friends and family. I love you so much baby boy and miss you dearly. Grandmas and grandpas and uncles and aunt and of course mommy and daddy and Jacen all send our love to you. We wish you could be here with us of course but we understand Heaven is where you were meant to be. :( I wish it didnt have to be this way. Your little brother rolled over (in all directions) tonight on his own. We are so proud of him. Everyday is something new and exciting with him. I love you sweet pea and miss you always. Angel kisses.

Love
Mommy

19 months...

2009-12-15T10:44:00.003-05:00

Angel baby, I am thinking about you today. I miss you terribly. I don't know where I would be in this world without you in my life even if you cant be in my arms. You are loved and missed by many. You may never know how you have changed my life. Here is a poem I wrote for you today. I love you my sweet baby.

The Voice that is missing...

I never heard your voice,
I never heard your cry,
To this day I will never know why.

I sit and listen to the house all a bustle
and know that there is a voice that is missing.
I do not know why.

I listen to your baby brother's gentle breathing
and know that there is a voice still missing.
I do not know why.

I listen to the wind blowing outside and your wind chime ringing in the breeze
and know that there is the voice I was missing.

Stocking...

2009-12-05T20:17:00.000-05:00

Christmas 2009

2009-12-05T20:08:00.000-05:00

Christmas 2009

2009-12-05T20:06:00.001-05:00

Christmas Decorations....

2009-12-05T20:00:00.002-05:00

Hello angel, we came out today and put up your Christmas tree and brought out the wreath. I hope you enjoy them. We love and miss you greatly my sweet baby.

Mommy

18 months...

2009-11-15T21:20:00.004-05:00

Can you believe 18 months is here? Sometimes I just dont know what to say or even what to think. I think of you constantly and wonder what you are doing right now at this very moment in heaven. Of course I will never know until I am there with you. Thank you for coming to visit us the other day, it was very much needed for both me and daddy. Tell God thank you! We came to visit you today. It was nice to go to you and just sit in peace, your little plant that Mary brought you is growing like crazy! My goodness how time is going by so quickly yet so slowly. I know I say that all the time but its so very true. Its just so strange how we want time to pass quickly yet we also want it to slow down sometimes. Like for us, we want to hurry up and see you again but at the same time, we want to slow down because Jacen is just growing so fast. I love you so much son. I can not wait to hold you again. You never cease to amaze me with what you are still showing me and teaching me. We will be coming out in a few weeks to put up your Christmas tree. I wonder what Christmas is like in Heaven? I bet it is amazing! I am sorry this note to you is just rambling, I am just at a loss for words tonight. I miss you so much I cant hardly stand it. Love, Mommy

Angel Face...

2009-11-12T20:49:00.002-05:00

I don't think I have ever tried to sit and name every sign that I have seen from my son. There are just so many. But a recent one that both Jay and I saw was this past Friday, we were driving down the road (in separate cars, he was right behind me) and I was talking to him on the phone and I looked up at the sky and said, "oh my goodness do you see what I see?" I said "that cloud right there is Jay's face!" It was if I was looking right at him and he was standing right in front of me. Jay said "yes I see it too!" I didn't have to tell him what cloud I was talking about. It was amazing and just as soon as we both saw him he was gone. I got goosebumps! How great is God when he can allow you to see the beautiful child that is gone from this world? You can not imagine what it feels like to be allowed to see what is beyond this world. Things that you never thought could change you have a whole new meaning. Things that you thought were lifeless and just a source of weather are now treasures in your heart. A flower is now not just a flower but a sign that there is a greater purpose and there is more to that flower than you can see. It is full of life, a life that you can not see or would never know is there. But I do.

The Cord...

2009-10-31T20:36:00.002-04:00

We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised…. I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away!

This poem has so much meaning to me. Its kind of ironic I guess in a sense considering the cord that connected Jay's life to me and kept him living those 37 wonderful weeks is what eventually killed him. But the cord that connects our hearts for eternity lives on forever. That cord will never become twisted and sever our lives again. I miss you my sweet angel. Its been too long since I've held you and God do I ever ache to hold you again. Soon, when it is my time.

Mommy

Pictures...

2009-10-24T22:22:00.000-04:00

Shelby...

2009-10-24T21:48:00.002-04:00

Been playing around with this new photo editing software I found, and I love it! I love this picture of Shelby and Baby Jay, her face just says it all for me. It looks like the face of pure innocence and love. The things that your eyes open up to when you realize God and His wonderfulness is right there next to you. I saw my son in a butterfly! God is amazing...

Sunset....

2009-10-23T19:19:00.003-04:00

Sunset is drawing near,

Tomorrow is almost here,

Tomorrow is a new day,

Will I still miss him here

As long as the sun sets and rises,

I will always ache for him, miss him, cry for him, and yearn to hold him again.

Tomorrow is almost here,

Will tomorrow be the day?

Like his name written in the sand

And washed away by the ocean.

So be the tears that I cry by the sun setting on my day.

Secret Garden Meeting....

2009-10-19T21:41:00.003-04:00

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

My husband, family and friends that I have met along this journey. After my sons passing my husband and I knew that we had to try again soon, 3 months later we were given the OK. So we did and knew 3 weeks later that we were pregnant again with his little brother. He is now what keeps me going forward. I did start this blog shortly after his passing and that has helped too, just to have a place to go that no one judges me and I can speak freely about what is on my mind at that moment. I like to have a place to write to him and remember the life that we shared. Songs, have also helped me remember him and "try" to be at peace with the question I will not get an answer to, the why?

One song that brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it is..."My Name" by George Canyon.

I know one of the biggest things for me is going to visit him at the cemetery, its peaceful there.

~Misty

Angel Jay

2009-10-18T21:38:00.001-04:00

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Our Candle for Jay.....

2009-10-15T19:59:00.001-04:00

We love and miss you sweet boy. Until we meet again.

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and baby brother Jacen

17 months.....

2009-10-14T21:04:00.002-04:00

17 months tomorrow and I still do not have words. I am left feeling helpless to this day. This past week or so seems to be especially hard. I dont know if I am teetering on the edge of insanity or if its just a mother still seeking answers she will not find. Is it so much to ask why? Is it too hard to give an answer to that question? When will I know? Why cant I know now? They say "Life is what YOU make of it", is it really? I thought I was making a wonderful, happy life when we decided to get married and have a baby, but having a baby didnt turn out like we thought it would. So is my life this nightmare, because I MADE it that way? No it isnt. I did not chose for this to happen. I would have gladly taken his place in a heartbeat if I was given the chance. I would still trade places with him if God came to me right now and said I could. My time is not done, I am still learning my lessons, and my destiny is not fulfilled yet. When it is I will once again be reunited with my precious baby. Until then, I am made to wonder why and only remember what he smelled like, looked like, felt like. Or what he would be like today if he were here with me.
Jacen is my beautiful blessing and has been a gift from God. I can not imagine a day without him. I always wonder how it is done. It seems as though on the surface (if you didnt know me) that I am very happy and nothing is wrong. (as I have been told) But on the inside while I am happy that I have Jacen I am so very sad and "defeated" (for lack of a better word) that Jay is not here. How can you be two very different emotions at the same time? Who knows, God works in mysterious ways and ways that we will never understand. Who are we to question Him?
I love you my sweet son. I miss you with every breath I breathe. I can not wait for the day that we meet again. You are the love that I found from within, the light that guides me and the butterfly that shows me the strength within.

Love always,
Mommy

New Pictures of Jay's Garden.....

2009-10-12T14:07:00.003-04:00

16 months.....

2009-09-14T20:27:00.002-04:00

hello baby, I thought I would write to you tonight. I cant believe its already been 16 months, I remember that night like it was only yesterday. On one hand it feels like such a long time ago and than again it feels like its been just yesterday. I remember the day before in the shower feeling you moving and I remember smiling thinking about how beautiful and great life was going to be for us 3. I remember being at work that day and telling a few people that I havent felt you move in a little while and them saying, "dont worry you are getting so close that happens as you get closer." I remember waking up at 12am May 15th with horrible contractions and sitting there for half an hour timing how far apart they were, I remember waking daddy up and telling him I thought it was time to go. I remember telling him "I've been timing them for half an hour and they are 2 minutes apart." I remember getting out of bed and being so very cold, and thinking maybe this is just a part of labor. I remember getting in the car and looking through our birthing class book and flipping to the "warning signs that you need to get to the ER right away" page and reading the one line that put my heart racing....."high fever- get to hospital immediately." I remember getting to the ER and having to pee really bad, and telling daddy that he needs to tell the nurse that I am pregnant, (all he told her was that I was having severe pain in my abdomen, she asked if I had my will written up!) I remember the labor and delivery nurse coming to get us to take us upstairs. I remember the smell of the triage room we were in, I remember all the monitors, I remember feeling anxious and excited and nervous. I remember getting undressed (into the lovely hospital gowns) I remember talking with the nurse about how far apart the contractions were, I remember her hooking me up to the heart and contraction monitors. I remember her saying you are having little contractions and saying he has a great heartbeat. I remember her leaving the room and coming back and checking to see if I was dilated. I remember her saying "well you are like a 1 and you arent doing a whole lot we are going to send you home." I remember telling her can we check to make sure baby is doing ok, I havent felt him moving a whole lot today," I remember the look on her face when I said that, it was almost a look of dread and panic at the same time. I remember her taking my wrist and checking it with your heart monitor. I remember thinking....what is she doing? I remember it seeming like forever before another nurse came in and checking my pulse with your heartbeat. I remember her smiling slightly at me and saying "sometimes they can turn over and if their backs are facing out its hard to get a heartbeat on this thing." I remember the nurse coming back and saying "your doctor is on his way, we are moving you to a labor room he has ordered us to do an ultrasound just to be sure everything with baby is going alright. I remember being paranoid and scared at this point. I remember no one telling us what was going on. I remember being moved to the labor room and the room being dimly lit. I remember the nurses coming in to do the ultrasound and remember the look on the nurses faces, absolute dread and sorrow. I remember them not saying a word but pointing to the machine. I remember looking at it...(i had seen them so much a this point I knew what I was looking at.) I remember seeing the stillness of where your heart should have been beating. I remember the nurse typing out the letters...HRT over your heart. I remember her asking me to breathe in real deep and hold it. I remember nearly screaming at all of them for not telling me! I remember Dr. Morales coming in and the look on his face and how softly he spoke. I remember him saying "Honey, I am so sorry but the baby is gone." I remember feeling at that moment wanting to die. I do not remember much of anything else he spoke after that. I do remember him saying "fetal demise" a few times and how it made me want to vomit. I remember him saying we can do an autopsy if you both choose to, so that we might find out what happened to little man. I remember feeling sick at the thought of that. I remember thinking "just this morning I was thinking about what I needed to do to finish your room and prepare for your arrival and now I am having to decide whether or not I want an autopsy done on your body!!! This is not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I remember telling him that I could not have you naturally I wanted a c-section. I remember him telling me he would consult with Dr. Hall and him asking me to reconsider, because it was a major surgery and that there is a chance I could die. I remember thinking, if something happens during surgery....let me die, let me die, LET ME DIE!!! I remember just looking over at daddy and wanting to crawl in a hole and hiding from the world. I remember wanting to run as fast as I could....to anywhere but there. I remember us talking about the autopsy and agreeing that we could not do that to you. I remember calling everyone.....I remember the sound of pain and sorrow in their voices. I do not remember much of what was said though. I remember Dr. Hall coming in, giving me a hug and telling us how sorry he was. I remember the feelings of helplessness and the unbearable pain, the hole in my heart. I remember not much else because after a while they put me under a lot of drugs. I remember people coming in and out. I remember waking up to someone telling me it was time to push. I remember delivering you. I remember seeing you briefly right after you were born and saying "oh my God he is beautiful." and sobbing. I remember the pain on Dr. Hall's face when he said, "his umbilical cord is twisted." I remember it seemed like hours before they finally brought you to me. When they finally did, I remember feeling this love that no one can explain, this pain that can not be described, and such sorrow. I remember letting you go so soon. I remember wanting to get up out of that bed and run with you as far as I could. I remember leaving the hospital without you and feeling defeated and feeling like I had to leave a part of my soul behind. (which I did) I remember that day that you taught me some very important lessons, you taught me that love is great love does not end just because a life here on earth does. You have shown me what true love is. You have shown me things that I otherwise never would have seen.
I love you son and miss you so very much. Until we meet again, my darling son.

Love
Mommy