5 years

May 15th, 2008 is a day that is etched into my soul. It didn't start like any other day, it didn't end like any other day. It began at 12: 47am with contractions and ended with my baby boy dead. It still brings me to my knees some days. There are still days I can hear a song and it breaks my heart all over again. I have moments where I have flashbacks to that night, where smells come alive, where conversations are relived. Those are moments that bring me to my knees. That is a night I wish I could do over. A night I wish didn't end the way it did.

May 16th was a day I wish I could forget. The day I had to leave the hospital without my baby. I should have been ecstatic about leaving with my newborn baby, nervous about coming home to being a new mom, but instead I left with heavy, aching arms. I remember staring out the window the whole way home, not wanting to look into the back seat because doing so would have broken me.

May 20th was the last time I saw his beautiful face. Instead of exhausted from taking care of a newborn, we were exhausted from grief and shock. I had wished this day to never come from the moment I saw the empty chamber on the ultrasound machine. Yet here it was. I don't remember getting dressed, I don't remember the drive to the funeral home. I do remember standing in front of his casket and feeling so broken, so alienated from this world. I remember feeling abandoned. I remember feeling as though I had let him down by not knowing that he was trying to tell me that something was wrong.

 

 

I am so very happy that God put you in my life. So many beautiful things have happened because of you. Happy 5th birthday in Heaven sweet boy.

"Heaven holds you until I do"

 

Love you always.

October 15th, 2012

For all the sweet babies called home far too soon. We love and miss you all dearly.

I love you my sweet boy. I miss you and think about you everyday.

4 years gone....

I am so far late on posting this but I want to get it down before I start forgetting.

Note: You wont see Jacen in any of these photos because he was asleep in the car, he wasnt feeling very good.

                                                                     Our little angel.

                                                                 Kayleigh and Daddy

                                                        Grandma O releasing her balloon with Kayleigh's help.

                                                         Grandpa O releasing his balloon.

                                         Balloons from mommy, daddy, Jacen and Kayleigh.

                                                       Roses from Mommy and Kayleigh.

                                                            Kayleigh helping lay her rose

                                                                        Jay's butterfly.

                                                                Daddy and Jacen's rose.

                                                        Grandma O and Uncle Steven's rose

                                                                   Grandpa O's rose

       Roses from Gramma, Grandpa V, Aunt Vicki, Uncle Terry , Aunt Cylina and cousins Ethan, Liam and Olivia.

                                                        Lighting our candles in his memory.

To think that our lives changed in this way 4 years ago is unimaginable. I never thought I would be sitting here 4 years later with 2 beautiful children and one angel in Heaven. All because God had a different plan for us. For Jay. To say that I have healed, gone on, or moved on is just not true. Every day I think about that night and what I wish I would have done, what I wish I would have known. Every day I think about what I wish I would have known just the day before his fate changed. I think about his funeral and the preparations we had to began making right out of the hospital. Every day I think about what he would be like as an adventurous little boy like this little brother. To think that this is the way we have to celebrate his birthdays is heartbreaking. But we will celebrate his life until my last breath. He will not be forgotten, ever. He has so many people that love him, I cant help but smile when I think about what a beautiful Angel he is. 4 years gone, 4 years I have missed him, 1460 days have gone by and my arms have ached for him every one of those days. I have missed the smell of his sweet skin, I have missed the feel of him wiggling inside me. I have missed his heart beating under my own heart. Every single second I have missed him, and that will never change......

Happy 4th birthday in Heaven my love.

The "what ifs and whys" are haunting me again...........

Tonight I was on Pinterest browsing like I always do when the babies have gone to bed, and came across something that stopped me in my tracks.

It was a picture of twin babies born early. The caption read something to the effect: one twin wasnt expected to survive, the parents fought to have them put in the same incubator, the stronger twin put his/her arm around the weaker one and the weaker ones heart rate stabilized and survived. A lady commented that its called the "healing hug" and stated that it was true for mothers in the same sort of situation.After delivering and the child is in danger the mother takes them and holds them and the baby sometimes will stabilize and be fine.

Of course my over active mind started yelling WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY THAT? What if you just took him in your arms immediately after he was born and just held him and sang to him and just touched his beautiful face?!?! They asked me if I wanted to see him right away or if I wanted them to take him and give him a bath and clean him up first. For some idiotic reason I said give him a bath first......WTF WAS I THINKING???? I'm not saying that the "healing hug or touch" would have worked in our situation, but seriously what was I thinking? I wish that I could go back and say I want him right away! Just to hold him, to see him, to touch his skin, to breathe in his sweet smell. To memorize everything about him. And maybe just maybe because what if holding him right then would have done something miraculous??

I believe in God, I believe that He performs miracles everyday. I believe that through Him ANYTHING is possible.  I believe that everything He does is for a reason. But what if that night I didn't catch on? What if that night Jay could have been the little miracle the world needed to see to keep faith that God does still exist? (I'm not trying to sound like I'm questioning God here, but rather myself. I was pretty doped up on morphine and I don't even know what else.)  I wasn't in the right frame of mind to think through all of this clearly.

Sometimes when I am having a flashback (they still happen quite often) I feel that I am but a touch away from him. That I am still there in that dark hospital room holding him, and I almost hear myself telling that person in the bed to do all of the things I did not do. (I know this may not make sense, I am aware.) WHY didn't I think to do any of the stuff I think of now?  Sometimes those thought bring me to tears, because not only is the memory of his face fading but I do not have the memories I wish I had.

October 15th Pregnancy and Infant loss Remembrance Day

This night was nothing new for our family. We remember our sweet baby boy who left us way too soon. We are a family of 5, even though looking at us walking through a store or through the mall you only see 4 of us. Tonight is about remembering all the babies gone from this world.

We miss you more than ever, son. We love you so very much.

3rd Heavenly Birthday.....

Its hard to believe 3 years ago today....

My world changed. My first child, who wasn't due until June 5th unexpectedly died and left this world forever to be with Jesus.  I never imagined that instead of bringing home a newborn baby, I was picking out a headstone and trying to find reason and purpose in this world.

In the past 3 years there have been many ups and downs. Grief is like the ocean. One minute you will be on top of a huge wave.

Breathing.
Surviving.

The next you can be at the bottom.

Drowning.
Struggling to survive.
Losing hope.

I never imagined that my life would turn in this direction and that I would be working through each day and trying to find peace in this world we know as grief. Grief is hard, grief is endless and grief hurts. Each day we are faced with new reason and purpose. We try to live each day as if its our last.

Just 3 months after Jay died, we began trying again. Just 2 weeks later I knew I was pregnant with our second child. That pregnancy was so very different from Jay's pregnancy. I was unsure of what was to come. I was scared.

My pregnancy with Jacen was hard, but we made it through. On the day we went in for the induction, I felt scared but also at peace. I knew my baby boy was watching over his brother and that God was on our side just like He has always been. Now I am pregnant again for the 3rd time, and once again I am scared out of my mind. But I feel "safe" if that is even the right word for it. I feel once again that even though I had pushed God from my mind for awhile, He is right where he has always been. Right next to me.

I've been trying to write this post for over a month now. Haven't had the time. To finish this up, I leave you with pictures from Jay's 3rd birthday in Heaven.

If Heaven weren't so far away.....

I heard this song not too long ago, and haven't heard it again until today. It really had me thinking, what if Heaven weren't so far away?

This is what I would do.

I would take Jacen to meet his big brother and his great grandpa, great grandma and uncle who passed away an hour after he was born. We would have a picnic. I would hold onto and kiss my baby boy. I would tell him over and over again how much I love him and miss him. I would tell my grandpa how much I love and miss him. We would run free in the wide open spaces that I image heaven to have. I would watch my two sons playing together while I sat and talked to my grandpa.  I would tell my baby how sorry I am that I could not save him. I would enjoy seeing my boys with their great grandpa and grandma. I would talk to my brother and get to know him. I would tell them all just how wonderful and special they are.

There is so much more. I am sure we would be making multiple trips. There is just so much and it couldnt all be done in a day.

I miss my baby boy so much it hurts. If only heaven wasn't so far away.

If only.....

Justin Moore - "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" Official Music Video

May is coming...

May is coming near. I have no clue yet what I am going to do for Jay's 3rd birthday. I cant believe he will be 3! I think maybe something quiet and at the beach, with some candlelight and cake. Just listening to the ocean, and the songs that remind me of him. 

This year feels so strange for me. I feel like this all happened in another lifetime. The pain and missing are still a constant companion of mine, yet grief feels so strange. 

I still wonder daily who he would be today and what he would look like. How big he would be. Or what his personality would be like. 

There are still so many questions that run through my mind that will be left unanswered, but I have learned to live with that. I am not God and I am not to question God. But sometimes I just want an answer! In time.

No where to run.....

No where to run
No where to hide

From the pain that is this life
From the grief that swallows me up
From the pain of seeing a brother play without his big brother

No where to run
No where to hide

From the nightmares
From the visions
From the "could have beens"

No one to explain
No one to answer
No reason to be seen

Why a life was made so short
Why a nightmare became reality
Why we are made to just continue on

No where to run
No where to hide

What is this world coming to????????

From MSNBC

New Year...

Well 2010 has come and gone, my baby boy has been gone for 2 years 7 months. Its hard to believe that 2 years 7 months ago this precious angel entered my life and in the blink of an eye he was taken from my very body without me knowing it. I loved this child, I wanted this child, I did nothing to harm him in any way and never dreamed of it. I still love this child, I still want this child and I still would do nothing to harm him in any way. I am saddened that there are mothers in this world who are graced with God's love and goodness by bearing his children and harm them and treat them bad and do not love them. I am saddened that sometimes these babies have to endure pain from their parents that no one should ever have to. I am saddened that my son died and I would have NEVER dreamed of hurting him in any way, but yet I was not allowed to keep him. I still can't ponder this question without getting upset.

To hold your child in your arms for the last time and know that you will never see him again is heart wrenching and painful. There are so many emotions that go through you. Some of you know exactly how this feels and what I am talking about. Some of you do not, but you have seen it first hand. You see the effects it has on a person, on a mother, a father, on a family. The effects of losing a child at any stage or age is heartbreaking. Its never an easy path to travel, to be honest its downright HARD and sometimes unbearable. 

2009 brought to us the most precious gift after losing our first son. It brought us Jacen. 2010 we saw the beautiful person Jacen has become. The end of 2010 brought us more great news that we will be having another little person joining our family of 4 soon. I can not wait to see what 2011 has in store for our family. I pray that God shines on us once again and brings this little pea safely to us in August.

May you all have a beautifully blessed New Year and may it bring wonderful things to you and your family.

Christmas Tree...

I know this is late but here goes. Every year now that Jay has been gone, (this is the 3rd Christmas for you who are keeping track.) I have gone out to put up his Christmas tree at his spot at the cemetery. Its something I love to do for him. It makes me feel like I am still being mommy. I dont know why its a tree, not like putting on his shoes or buttoning up his jacket for him or hugging or kissing him. But since he is in Heaven this makes me feel like I am still able to be his mommy.I love being out there anyways, its his place, our place to connect and be at peace with him. (I know HE is not there its just the shell that he left behind, but as humans we tend to hold onto what we know and his body is what I knew and know.)

This year I asked everyone in our family if they would like they could send a Christmas ornament that they made, bought or one from their collections that reminded them of him. We love everyone of them that were sent! Thank you all so much!  His tree this year turned out beautiful. Not only because it is his tree but because it has a little bit of something from the whole family.

This last one is one that we got for our tree at home, I love it! A seashell with a pearl that says "every life leaves something beautiful behind."