Angel...

I guess there is a point in time where I just have to learn to accept what I can not change and try to move forward. As hard as that is, I believe it will be one of the things that gets me through. Of course the only thing that keeps me trying to move forward is that I know one day I will be with my sweet boy again. No day since that fateful day has been easy, no new day has changed what has become. But everyday is one day closer to going home to my son. One sweet day the heavens will open for me and my baby will be just on the other side waiting for me. I will run to him and never let him go. Each night that I put Jacen to bed I pray to God to keep him safe and ask for one more day with him. He is the medicine for my heart. He is the reason I wake up each day and go to bed each night. He is the reason why I am allowed to see his brother. Without him I don't know that God would allow it. Both of my boys are the reason I still believe. Since they have been here I have seen things that I never would have imagined before.

I love you son and miss you everyday. I'll be there one day.
Love,
Mommy

15 months....

Good evening baby. Today has been 15 months since you have been gone. I miss you everyday and think of you always. I got this idea from another mother the other day. Its the 15 hardest moments since you have been gone....

One~ Hearing the doctor say....."I am so sorry, but there is no heartbeat"
Two~ walking into my labor room.
Three~ Having to call all the family and tell them the horrible news.
Four~ giving birth to you.
Five~ Seeing your beautiful body being taken away after you were born.
Six~ holding you in my arms for the first time since you were born
Seven~ Not getting to hold you long enough.
Eight~ Having to give you back to the nurse and knowing that you would be waiting for the funeral home to pick you up.
Nine~ The Helplessness that I felt the moment I found out you were gone.
Ten~ Walking out of the hospital to go home without you with me.
Eleven~ The drive home.
Twelve~ Your funeral.
Thirteen~ My last doctor visit after you were born. He forgot and asked us how you were doing.
Fourteen~ Learning that we were pregnant again after losing you.
Fifteen~ Bringing Jacen home and you not being here waiting to play with him.

These are only 15 of the hardest moments...there are so many more. Everyday is a struggle, but I try to take each day one day at a time. I cant wait for the day when I can hold you again. I miss you so very much and love you with every fiber of my being. Thank you for coming to visit just when I always need to know that you are near. It is so comforting to know that you are always near. Give The Father a hug and kiss for us. I love you sweet boy.

Love,
Mommy

The Castle...

In a baby castle, just beyond your eye,
Your baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy.
Who are you to wish him back into this world of strife,
No, play on your baby, he'll have eternal life.
At night when all is silent and sleep forsakes your eyes,
You'll hear his tiny footsteps come running to your side
His little hands caress you so tenderly and sweet,
You'll breathe a prayer and close your eyes and embrace him in your sleep.
Now you have a treasure that you rate above all others
You have known true glory,
You are still his mother.

(author unknown)

My Name (performed by George Canyon)

The words to this song are from the unborn baby.Its cold in here feels like every things upside down I can feel you talking but I can barely make out the sound I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year Im gonna change this world if I ever get out of here She wants to dress me in pink, paints my bedroom blue And I just laugh to myself, because only I know the truth This love is my only emotion Haven't learned any fear any pain Its kind of funny with all this commotion I guess they've got me to blame And they dont even know my name And they dont even know my name Well Ive never felt so ready, think its finally time Cause that big old world is waiting, and its mine all mine Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright And a man took my hand said dont worry, your momma's gonna be all right Then he opened the gate, & I followed him in Said you can wait right here till its your turn again And his love is the one true emotion Heaven knows no fear no pain I never got to set my wheels in motion But they loved me just the same And they never even knew name Didnt even know my name You loved me just the same And you didnt even know my name

Dear God,..

Dear God,

Please love my Angel that dwell with you above,

Please hug him for me tightly with your precious, tender love,

Dear God,

Please sing him lullabys as he lays down to sleep,

Please comfort him and just be there if he should ever weep.

Please let him know I love him and wish I understood

The reason he is in Heaven, please tell him to be good.

Are fluffy clouds his pillows, to lay his head at night?

And do the stars just twinkle to give him little light?

Will you watch him so carefully and always hold his hand?

And answer all the questions that a child can't understand?

Do you tell him all about me, does he know just who I am?

Is he with my family, my grandpa and Grandma?

God,

do you ever pick him up and sit him on your knee?

And rock him oh so gently if he ever cries for me?

God,

does he play with children's toys in Heaven up above?

I have so many questions Lord,

I want to understand

Just why my little Angel is up there, was his life planned?

I dwell down here and feel like we're a thousand miles apart,

Please help me God, please hear my plea, Just mend this broken heart!

(author unknown)

An Angel Never Dies

Dont let them say, I wasnt born

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave

I've loved you from the start

Although my body you cant hold

It doesn't mean I m gone

This world was worthy, not, of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul

What you are forced to face

You have my word, I 'll fill your arms

Someday we will embrace

You'll hear that it was meant to be, God doesn't make mistakes

But that wont soften your worst blow

Or make your heart not ache.

I m watching over all you do,

Another child you'll bear.

Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you

When you will hold my hand, Stroke my face and kiss my lips

And then you'll understand Although, I ve never breathed your air, Or gazed into your eyes.

That doesnt mean I never was, An Angel Never Dies

Our angel....

I saw my son today
he was in the form of a butterfly.
He said I love you but I cant stay.
I wanted to let you know I am doing alright,
and I miss you.
From today on you will know that when you see me
I could be one of a million things.
I lived and died and now I am free.
Until you are here with me,
I love you and will be near
when you need me.