15 months....

Good evening baby. Today has been 15 months since you have been gone. I miss you everyday and think of you always. I got this idea from another mother the other day. Its the 15 hardest moments since you have been gone....

One~ Hearing the doctor say....."I am so sorry, but there is no heartbeat"
Two~ walking into my labor room.
Three~ Having to call all the family and tell them the horrible news.
Four~ giving birth to you.
Five~ Seeing your beautiful body being taken away after you were born.
Six~ holding you in my arms for the first time since you were born
Seven~ Not getting to hold you long enough.
Eight~ Having to give you back to the nurse and knowing that you would be waiting for the funeral home to pick you up.
Nine~ The Helplessness that I felt the moment I found out you were gone.
Ten~ Walking out of the hospital to go home without you with me.
Eleven~ The drive home.
Twelve~ Your funeral.
Thirteen~ My last doctor visit after you were born. He forgot and asked us how you were doing.
Fourteen~ Learning that we were pregnant again after losing you.
Fifteen~ Bringing Jacen home and you not being here waiting to play with him.

These are only 15 of the hardest moments...there are so many more. Everyday is a struggle, but I try to take each day one day at a time. I cant wait for the day when I can hold you again. I miss you so very much and love you with every fiber of my being. Thank you for coming to visit just when I always need to know that you are near. It is so comforting to know that you are always near. Give The Father a hug and kiss for us. I love you sweet boy.

Love,
Mommy

The Castle...

In a baby castle, just beyond your eye,
Your baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy.
Who are you to wish him back into this world of strife,
No, play on your baby, he'll have eternal life.
At night when all is silent and sleep forsakes your eyes,
You'll hear his tiny footsteps come running to your side
His little hands caress you so tenderly and sweet,
You'll breathe a prayer and close your eyes and embrace him in your sleep.
Now you have a treasure that you rate above all others
You have known true glory,
You are still his mother.

(author unknown)

My Name (performed by George Canyon)

The words to this song are from the unborn baby.Its cold in here feels like every things upside down I can feel you talking but I can barely make out the sound I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year Im gonna change this world if I ever get out of here She wants to dress me in pink, paints my bedroom blue And I just laugh to myself, because only I know the truth This love is my only emotion Haven't learned any fear any pain Its kind of funny with all this commotion I guess they've got me to blame And they dont even know my name And they dont even know my name Well Ive never felt so ready, think its finally time Cause that big old world is waiting, and its mine all mine Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright And a man took my hand said dont worry, your momma's gonna be all right Then he opened the gate, & I followed him in Said you can wait right here till its your turn again And his love is the one true emotion Heaven knows no fear no pain I never got to set my wheels in motion But they loved me just the same And they never even knew name Didnt even know my name You loved me just the same And you didnt even know my name

Dear God,..

Dear God,

Please love my Angel that dwell with you above,

Please hug him for me tightly with your precious, tender love,

Dear God,

Please sing him lullabys as he lays down to sleep,

Please comfort him and just be there if he should ever weep.

Please let him know I love him and wish I understood

The reason he is in Heaven, please tell him to be good.

Are fluffy clouds his pillows, to lay his head at night?

And do the stars just twinkle to give him little light?

Will you watch him so carefully and always hold his hand?

And answer all the questions that a child can't understand?

Do you tell him all about me, does he know just who I am?

Is he with my family, my grandpa and Grandma?

God,

do you ever pick him up and sit him on your knee?

And rock him oh so gently if he ever cries for me?

God,

does he play with children's toys in Heaven up above?

I have so many questions Lord,

I want to understand

Just why my little Angel is up there, was his life planned?

I dwell down here and feel like we're a thousand miles apart,

Please help me God, please hear my plea, Just mend this broken heart!

(author unknown)

An Angel Never Dies

Dont let them say, I wasnt born

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave

I've loved you from the start

Although my body you cant hold

It doesn't mean I m gone

This world was worthy, not, of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul

What you are forced to face

You have my word, I 'll fill your arms

Someday we will embrace

You'll hear that it was meant to be, God doesn't make mistakes

But that wont soften your worst blow

Or make your heart not ache.

I m watching over all you do,

Another child you'll bear.

Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you

When you will hold my hand, Stroke my face and kiss my lips

And then you'll understand Although, I ve never breathed your air, Or gazed into your eyes.

That doesnt mean I never was, An Angel Never Dies

Our angel....

I saw my son today
he was in the form of a butterfly.
He said I love you but I cant stay.
I wanted to let you know I am doing alright,
and I miss you.
From today on you will know that when you see me
I could be one of a million things.
I lived and died and now I am free.
Until you are here with me,
I love you and will be near
when you need me.

14 months....

Hello baby. I am not going to say the normal, "i cant believe its been this long" because you know that already. What I am going to say is that I love you so very much and miss you so very much. As if you dont know that already too but it feels much better to say that instead. I have to say since Jacen has been here I have felt much more at peace with your passing. Why? I cant really say for sure, but I think it is because you are constantly with me and I can feel you here. Sure some people have told me I am crazy and there is no such thing as angels but you know what when they have been through something of this magnitude then they can talk to me about what they believe then. Of course we all have our doubts, even I did at one time, but I dont anymore. I have seen you just as well as I see Jacen and daddy everyday. You were standing next to me in the operating room when Jacen had to be delivered by emergency c-section. I looked over and there you were standing off to my right. You didnt look young but you didnt look old either. I knew at that moment Jacen would be fine and the rest of my life was going to be alright. Even though you arent here in the flesh you are with me always in spirit. Jacen sees you always (he loves when you visit) Just the other night I was sitting in his rocking chair putting him to bed and he is just staring at this one corner of the room and just smiling and laughing so hard. Then I guess you moved to another place in the room cause he followed you. It was the sweetest thing. And the best feeling in the world for me to have both of my precious babies right there with me. I love you with all my heart baby and miss you constantly. Thank you for coming into my life, thank you for being with me and showing me what life is really all about. Thank you for constantly amazing me and showing me that life is still good and will be ok because you are with me.

I learned the new little Angel's name that I was telling you about. She is a sweet little girl named Sydney. Show her that she can be there for her mommy even though she is in heaven like you are. Her mommy needs her very much right now.

I love you sweetheart. See you soon,
Mommy

hello baby.....

Hello baby. Today was a day. A friend asked me about how we got through the early weeks following your passing, because a friend of hers has just lost a little one too. I let her know that the mommies at www.babycenter.com is what helped me, but also family is what really helped me. It just broke my heart all over again when she said that her friend was going through this horrible nightmare too. In those first few seconds I was once again in that delivery room on that horrible night, reliving that night over again in a matter of seconds. All those hard, raw, horrible emotions all came back. Not that I dont hurt and long to hold you everyday but those very confusing and nightmarish feelings came back with overwhelming pain. Made me hurt for you even more. I wish no parent had to live this nightmare. But unfortunately we can only offer our shoulder to cry on and be a listening ear. I miss you so much dear baby boy. Look after this little one for his mommy and daddy. Be his/her Angel friend (not that you wouldnt) show him/her that he can show them that he/she is still with them and if they look close enough, they can still see him/her. They are so very scared and confused right now. I am so proud of you my sweetheart. I miss you. Stay close to Jacen, mommy and daddy. We love you baby.

Love
Mommy

Swimming with Jacen...

Do you see baby Jay in this picture? We decided to see how Jacen liked the swimming pool (heated by the way) and the first like 10 pictures are like this...nothing was done different with the camera or changed. We believe it was big brother Jay coming to play with his littl brother. I always knew he was watching over us always, but to be able to see him in this way just amazes me and makes me feel so good that he is here.

I love you sweetheart no matter where you are. Thank you for watching over us. We love you always.

Love

Mommy

13 months....

Hello sweet angel. I miss you! It's been 13 months since you came into our lives, and wow what an impression you have left on us. Our lives are so different now. I could never imagine life without ever having loved you or met you. I love you so much and am thankful everyday for having you in my life. Everytime I hear of another mommy having a baby, I always think of you and how I felt when we were headed to the hospital to have you....the excitement and love and fear. Then I always pray that they make it to their mommys safely. No mommy should ever have to go through life without their babies, but unfortunately sometimes we are forced to because they have a higher purpose. Just like you do. Its been so long since I held you and it hurts, literally. Its hard to explain but my arms ache to hold you, my heart aches for you. I love you, son with every fiber of my being. I can not wait for the day that I am given the chance again to be with you. Until then, wait for me handsome. I'll be there before you know it. Love you baby boy.

Love,
Mommy

New pictures of your garden....

Hey sweet boy. I just wanted to show you the beautiful flowers in your garden. They are in bloom right now and look so beautiful. I love you sweet angel and miss you terribly.

Love
Mommy

Thinking of you...

Hello big boy! I have been thinking of you. My heart is hurting for you. I cant believe a year has gone by since I held you and kissed your sweet face. I miss you so much. You are so amazing. Every time I look at Jacen I am reminded of you and think about what you might have looked like at his age. I think about all the new things he does everyday and am happy to see him go through them yet saddened because I never got to see you do any of them. He looks so much like you its amazing. I think of you all the time and always have to remind myself that in time I will hold you again. I can not wait for that day to come when I can see you, hold you and kiss you. You, daddy and Jacen are what keep me going. You guiding me from above, daddy and Jacen helping me here. Its hard to not have you here with us, not having you here to play with your little brother or to grow up with him. He will know you, I promise. He already knows you, really. You were with him the day he was born and he sees you everyday. We love and miss you dearly, son.

I love you, my sweet baby.
~Mommy

More Pictures...

1st Birthday Pictures....

1 Year Birthday Pictures...

1 Year birthday....

Well here we are at your 1 year birthday. I can not believe it has already been a year. Seems like such a long time ago since I got to hold you, but seems like only yesterday since we were struck with that horrible news. Im sorry I didnt write to you Friday but we had your birthday memorial party. I know you were there with us celebrating your birthday. I loved how you kept trying to take your pooh balloon! Shelby even came with us, she was trying to get the balloons we sent up to you! She is such a silly dog. I miss you so much baby some days I dont know what to do. Thankfully Jacen is here to keep me grounded and remind me that there is still something good in this world. Him and Shelby are one way I can always tell when you are around. Happy birthday son! I can only imagine what it must have been like when the Angels sang happy birthday to you. I bet it was the most beautiful thing anyone could ever hear. We love you so very much baby and we miss you every moment of the day. I hope you had a wonderful birthday. Lots of hugs and kisses!

Love you!
Mommy and daddy

Your baby brother.......

Hello sweet angel. I'm sorry I havent written to you in awhile, but your baby brother is here now. I know you already knew that because you were with us the day that he was born. It was a scary day, but with you and God by his side he made it and is here with us. We miss you so very much. I wish you could be here with us playing with your little brother. But I know you are watching over him every day. Thank you for watching over him during his time with me and the day that he was born. You are my angel. We love you son. Here are some pictures of him for you. Love you so much baby.

Love

Mommy

Saying hello....

Hello sweet angel, I really don't know what to say. Tomorrow will be 11 months since you have been gone and I don't know what to do or say. It is so hard for me to believe that it has been 11 months already! Seems like just yesterday I was taking the pregnancy test that made me love you from that moment on. Its amazing how one little test like that can change your whole life in a split second and then how it can all be taken away with no notice or warning whatsoever. Today I am 37 weeks pregnant with your little brother and surprisingly I am very calm. Is that you near me, telling me that its OK? Of course it is. I miss you son so very much and wish you were here getting ready for the arrival of your brother. But I know you are watching over him and are near me every second of the day, helping me through. It just doesn't seem fair at all that you aren't here to celebrate Jacen's birth with us. It makes my heart ache and brings tears to my eyes. A mother or father should never have to endure this kind of torture or pain.
We love you dear son and miss you greatly. Stay near precious.

Love you always,
Mommy

"I would rather have had one breath of his hair..
one kiss of his mouth..
one touch of his hand..
than an eternity
without it.."

Hello baby boy...

Hello son, I miss you! Here lately I have felt that you are closer than ever and I love that. As I am sitting here writing to you I can hear your wind chime right outside the window. It sings to me the sweet melody of you playing in your garden, right here beside me. I love feeling you near me. It always makes me feel safe and warm. I do wish more than ever that I could hold you and kiss you again, but I am happy with just knowing you are staying close. Your brother's arrival is getting near and I am getting very anxious and scared. I am so ready for him to be here and so scared that something might happen to him too, sometimes it is too much to handle. But I am hanging in there. I love you baby boy. Keep watching after your little brother and stay near us. We love you and miss you sweet angel boy. In my heart always.

Love,
Mommy

10 months...

Hello baby boy, I am sorry I havent been writing to you very often. But you know I think of you every moment of everyday. I miss you so very much and wish you could be here with me. I know you are here with me and Daddy always but I wish we could hold you and see you. Your little brother is getting so big, he weighs 3lbs 11oz as of last week. We are expecting him in 6 and a half more weeks. Its coming fast but not fast enough. I can not believe its been 10 months since I held you and kissed your beautiful face. Oh how I miss that sweet innocent face, and what I would give to be able to see it again. I love you my precious son. I came to visit you a few weeks ago, it was nice just to sit and talk with you. Your little plant that Mary brought you is getting big and has nice pretty yellow flowers on it. Its so unfair that in a few short weeks your brother will be here and you wont be here to see him and play with him. (I am trying to stay positive that he will be joining us.) He will know you though, daddy and I will make sure of that. You will never be forgotten. Every year we plan on doing a something special for you on your birthday. This year I am not sure yet what we are going to be doing. I want to come visit you and bring some of the same flowers we had for your funeral and have balloons and maybe bubbles and bring you gifts. I am thinking of making a cake or buying one that has Nemo or something I think you would be into right now. If you can somehow tell me what you would like i'll get it for you. I still want to have little birthdays for you because you deserve them just as much as anyone else. You are still very much a part of our lives even though your home is in Heaven, we want you to know we are celebrating your life here on earth too. We know the birthday party you have in Heaven will be grand and we can not imagine it but we will be celebrating with you here. We love and miss you sweet boy and wish everyday that you could be here to comfort us and be with us, but we know your purpose was to be in Heaven doing what God needed you to do. Say hello to everyone there for us. We love and miss you so very much son and send you love and hugs everyday. Please stay close to your little brother, he is coming soon. We need you by our sides to get us through, to comfort us and calm our nerves. I love you baby boy. Hugs and kisses.

Love,
Mommy

9 months....

Yesterday was a strange day, daddy and I just seemed very out of it and lost. I know it was a rough day for both of us. We miss you so much angel and wish that we could be together. One day we will but until that day comes, Jesus will take care of you. It all still feels so alien (its the only word I know that can describe it) like the world we now live in is not meant for us. Some days are better than others but some are far worse than anything we've experienced. We love you so much sweet baby. Jacen is getting bigger by the day it seems. I know you are taking very good care of him and we thank you very much for that. I only wish that we could see you both grow up together and play together and just be normal brothers. We miss you so much son and love you eternally. I know Shelby sure misses you but I know she sees you and plays with you often. This morning when I woke up I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed staring off at something above the closet I knew it was you, because she had that goofy " I see Big Boy" look on her face. :) I just layed there watching her because those visits are amazing and such a blessing. We love and miss you dearly sweet boy.

Love always,
Mommy

8 months....

Hello baby! Today it has been 8 months since I was able to hold you and see you. I miss you so much! I was so blessed to be given 8 beautiful months with you, you growing perfectly inside me, your heart beating right under mine, depending on my every breath. Today feels a little strange--if that is the right word. Because it has been 8 months since you've been gone, the same amount of time I was allowed to be with you. I feel so blessed but yet so cheated at the same time, blessed because I am your mother- The mother of an Angel! How can I not say that I am not blessed? But at the same time I feel cheated because I dont get to see you and hold you and see how beautiful you are as an Angel. You are so amazing, son. Everyday you still amaze me and you are not even here in the flesh. I love you so very much, I just can not even imagine what life would have been like if I had not been given the opportunity to be your mother. I have learned so much from you. You are what keep me funtioning and going everyday, the reason I get out of bed and face each day, no matter how hard the day is. I know one day when I finally meet the end of life here on earth you will be waiting for me in Heaven and that day will be sweet and so great. You are my wings and daddy is my crutch and of course Jesus is my light. Without you 3 I dont know where I would be today. I just can not believe the 8 months (37 weeks) that I was pregnant with you went by so fast, and the 8 months that you have been gone seems to have gone by fast but so slow at the same time. Oh what I would give to just have one more moment with you. I love you my sweet son.

Love,
Mommy

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Angel...

Hello son, Mommy is missing you very much lately. I do always but seems lately I cant seem to concentrate on much of anything. We had 2 great appointments for your baby brother and he seems to be doing great and I am so very excited about meeting him and hopefully bringing him home in May. But I cant seem to get past this anxious feeling. I am wanting him home right now but I know that's not possible and I wouldn't want to bring him into this world right now anyways that would be crazy but I am so ready for May to get here sometimes I feel like I am going nuts. And I get frustrated because I can't have you and him here. I want so bad for him to be able to play with you here with me and daddy and us 4 to be together and so happy. I know you were meant to be in Heaven with Jesus because you were so perfect and this world was not ready for you. But sometimes its still so hard to just get up and continue moving forward. I do have to say that at first I was really skeptical about going back to work but it has helped so much just to take my mind off of what has happened for a little while. I really do not think that I would be where I am now if it hadn't have been for your daddy and going back to work. At work I dont have to think I have work to keep my mind on something else for a bit. But of course I always think of you and how life would be so different and how great it would be with you almost 8 months old and Jacen on his way, or would we have even been pregnant again so soon? Probably not but I dont like to think about the world without you and Jacen in it. But I guess I have to deal with what God has put before me and move forward without you, but with you in my heart and in spirit. I love you son, please watch over your little brother. I will never have to worry about you I can just love you with everything I have in me and remember you as you were and still are. I know it sounds silly but can you ask Jesus if I can keep Jacen, I would like to have one child at least that I can get a little upset for not taking out the trash or making a big mess. I know it couldnt be you now but I love Jacen the same as I love you and need one little one to help ease some of this pain....if there is even such a thing. Its very complicated but I guess in time we might understand. I love you son. Oh I also wanted to show you this picture of Shelby. Daddy and I thought she was trying to say Merry Christmas to you. Stay close beside us sweet boy.