22 months...

Hello my sweet peanut.

It has been 22 months today, and I am having a hard time believing it has been almost 2 years! We are in the midst of planning your 2nd heavenly birthday. I fight back tears just thinking about it.
*how appropriate, your wind chime is ringing in the breeze.* I love you my dear son, you know how much I miss you. I tell you all the time.

It's sad, last Thursday a mommy lost her sweet daughter, and today they are having to say good-bye to her earthly body. I was reading her blog a little bit ago about being able to spend time with Amelia and it brought back so many memories about the very short time we had with you. Her words just hit me like a knife and I lost my breath as I thought about what I wish I would have done in the few short days I had to hold onto you. I had no idea later on I would think of all these things and wish that I would have done them. I wasn't thinking straight, we were blindsided by your death. My heart breaks for her and her family because all to well do I remember those days, weeks and months following your passing.

Be with little Amelia, we know she is safe in heaven. But her family misses her so much. Let her know she can still visit them just like you visit us from time to time.

I love you sweet little one. I am so proud of you.

New garden pictures...

Call for help....

Today, First Candle is requesting your help. 
Just a few minutes of your time can help propel
a movement that will save thousands of babies’
lives for future generations to come.
We are joining our friends at the C. J.
Foundation for SIDS, 
to seek co-sponsors for S.1445 and H.R. 3212…
the Stillbirth and SUID Prevention, 
Education and Awareness Act. This act is
sponsored by D-NJ Senator Frank Lautenberg 
and Congressman Frank Pallone, Jr.,
and quite simply the single most promising piece
of legislation crafted in the past decade to
promote infant survival and address the
sudden unexpected death of young
children related to SIDS, SUID, SUDC and Stillbirth. 
An incredible amount of legislative staff
time has been put into understanding the 
issues and defining ways in which we can
reduce the risk for future families.
Nothing you can do today will have
more meaning and prevent more tragic losses.
PLEASE CONTACT YOUR CONGRESSIONAL
LEADERS IN THE HOUSE AND SENATE TODAY.

By clicking on the following link provided
by the C.J. Foundation for SIDS, 
it will be easy to type in your zip code
and automatically direct your letter to 
the appropriate congressional offices.
You may personalize the letter or send the 
template as is.

http://www.facebook.com/l/f52f3;www.votervoice.net/groups/sids

My personal goal is to have a minimum of
81 co-sponsors by Mothers’ Day…equivalent 
to the number of babies who are stillborn
plus the number of babies who die of 
Sudden Unexpected Infant or Child Death
EVERY DAY here in the United States.

Won’t you please help?????????? 
Please do it in honor of the babies and
children whom you love in your life.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart!!!

Marian Sokol, President of First Candle

*This message was an email from First Candle*

New Flowers...

Hey sweetheart, Jacen and I came out for a visit today and brought you some new flowers and a few other things. Here are some pictures.

I love you baby.

Waterfall...

Thank you Lisa, they are beautiful!

Tattoo...

I got my tattoo today. I just love it, it turned out better than I could have imagined. I am so glad I finally have my angel on my shoulder constantly now.

21 months....

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
by Unknown

Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that they love him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died at just before birth, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?

It has been 21 long months since I held you in my aching arms. I questioned everything that I knew and believed in when you passed. I had not prepared for this, but really even if I knew weeks before could I have really been "prepared"? I have asked myself this question for many months before Jacen was born, will my baby be a baby in heaven? I found out that answer when I went into the hospital to have Jacen. Let me just start from the beginning....(bear with me it might be long) We went in for our scheduled induction, everything was going great. He had a nice heartbeat, no problems at all. The next morning for some reason out of no where I got sick, started throwing up. I had been on Pitocin for about 6 hours with no problems, everything moving along nicely, last check I was dilated to 6. So the sick part no one could figure out where it came from. So anyways Jay called for a nurse to come check on me. Well in a matter of seconds there were what seemed like 20 nurses rushing around, rolling me over this way and that. All the while I am thinking...."not again, not again!" I hear one nurse get on the phone and call my OB and I hear her telling the nurse on the other end..."I dont care if he is with a patient...GET HIM HERE NOW!" Suddenly they say "We have to go now!" I hear Jay scream..."What is going on...someone tell me!" A nurse says "for some reason the baby's heartbeat has dropped and we cant get it to go back to normal, we have to go now!" This is as we are already leaving the room to go to the OR. We get to the OR and Jay is not allowed in, at this point I my body (brain really) has just shut down I am aware of what is going on around me but I cant react to it, cant scream, cant cry, cant get up, cant do anything. A nurse keeps asking me if I am alright, I shake my head, yes. When actually I feel like I am having an out of body experience. (We are already in OR at this point.) 3 minutes later my doctor arrived ready to start cutting. I hear him say..."Misty we are getting Jacen, but I have to put you under, OK?" I shake my head, and look over to my right and just before I go under....I see my son, who is gone from this world. He is handsome actually the most beautiful being I have ever seen. I dont know how else to describe him other than he was not old or young, he wasnt a baby or a little boy or a grown man. I knew it was my son because he had his face and looked just like him. He smiled at me just as the lights were going out for me. I felt myself "wanting" and probably trying to reach for him. Later I open my eyes and hear myself coughing so hard. I look over and see my father in law and mother in law sitting next to me. I ask about Jacen, and my mother in law says, "he is perfect and doing great and tells me that he looks just like me." I start crying and I dont remember if I said it out loud but I do remember thinking...."Jay is here, and he just saved his baby brother. Thank you my angel."

I have missed you dearly my precious baby boy. For 21 months I have tried to figure out and find answers, but the truth is there are no answers. The fact is God needed you to be one of his beautiful angels and thats where you are. I should not question His doings. God knows what is best for all of us. You are in the best care, the best hands. You wont feel pain or cry. You will never know the misery of losing someone you love so dearly and for all of that I am truly grateful. I do wish I could hold you again and see you again, but I know patience and time are my friends here. I will see you again, if it takes an eternity it will be well worth the long wait.
I love you sweetheart.

Collage...

Thank you Paige for this great idea. I just love this program.

Happy Valentine's Day...

Happy Valentines Day my angel. We wanted to tell you how much we love and miss you. The two garden stones are from your grandma and grandpa Oreo and the ladybug is from mommy and daddy, we got you a teddy bear too and brought it to you at the cemetery but mommy wasnt thinking and forgot the camera. We love you so very much my sweet baby.

Thinking...

Good morning son, I am thinking about you (like always) and this morning as I was getting Jacen dressed, I pulled the shirt over his head and I thought "what would it have been like to have you running around the house while I was getting Jacen ready or doing anything for that matter?" Suddenly the house felt very quiet and lonely. Of course Jacen, Shelby, aunt Vicki and Scooter are here, so the house is by far not quiet but today it felt that way, without you. I cant help but think now more than ever, what would you be doing right this minute while Jacen naps. I know I definitely wouldnt be on this computer writing on this blog. I long to play with you and laugh with you and see you and Jacen playing and laughing together. Would we be curled up on the couch watching Star Wars and eating popcorn on this dreary, wet, lazy day? I wish I knew, I wish I werent just wishing I knew. I want to be living that dream instead of only wishing it were true.

I havent felt "well" in a long time. I feel fine physically but emotionally I dont feel fine. Inside I feel like a war is raging and like its never going to end. I have been thinking about calling the doctor, but every time I reach for the phone to try and make the call, all I can think is "you are so weak, you should be able to handle this yourself. How is everyone else going to see you when the doctor puts you on medicine for depression?"

All I can think of when that question comes to mind is...a sad soul and alone.

I dont want to be on medicine and I dont wish to speak to a stranger about something that they might not even understand. Losing a child isnt like having a gambling problem. I am not saying that a gambling problem should be dismissed but they are not the same. I know some of you might be thinking, "Jacen should be enough to snap you out of this." But let me explain something, when you lose a child and you go on to have one after that baby, its more difficult and complicated than you could imagine. Everything about this new baby reminds you every single day of what you missed out on with the child that passed. There are many days that we laugh, play and just have a beautiful time. But there are some days that although you are playing with him and laughing on the inside you are screaming and crying to hold that baby that you lost and all the while trying to smile and keep this baby happy while you are crying inside.

Then there are days like today, when all you do is dream of what life would be like with the both of them here with you. Playing cars, or running around chasing the dog, or screaming at me because they are hungry. Its not as simple as you might think. While Jacen does bring me so much happiness and mends my shattered heart a little bit everyday, there are days where I just simply feel that I can not function because of the unbearable emptiness and helplessness that is brought with losing a baby.

Blog makeover!

Your blog looks great son! I hope you like it as much as I do. (I know you do) Thank you so much Ragan! We love it! :)

Jay's Angel Wings...

I opened up my email tonight and found these waiting for me. I just love them. My angel baby forever.

Thank you Lea!

Beautiful Flower.....

Good morning my beautiful baby. I was looking through some of my pictures and saw this one and it reminded me of you. I just wanted to tell you how much I love and miss you.

Love,
Mommy

Bring on the Rain....or not..

So it's 9:30pm and it's raining out, about how I am feeling right now. To be honest I haven't cried in a while. I ache every moment of every day, but I haven't cried in awhile. Why is that? I visit him often, I make stuff for him all the time, I try to think of ways to memorialize other angel babies. But lately I can not cry? I still miss him like crazy and feel like screaming sometimes. Maybe its one of the "better" moments, the storm is likely coming.

20 months....

Good morning my love. Today marks the day that you have been gone for 20 months. I feel you with me today, because so far its been a quiet day, but again its only 7:30am so there is still plenty of day left for the sadness to creep in. I still just as I always will have the ache in my heart for you but I know you are safe from the evil and sadness of this world. You are a special angel and even though I do not know why you could not stay with me I am thankful to have you in my life even if you arent here in the flesh with me. I love you my precious, beautiful son with all my heart and that will never change. When you were here you brought so much love and peace. You are my hope, my sunshine, my northern star, my everything. Without you and your little brother, I would be nothing but an empty person waiting for my day to die. I hope today is a "good" day but I know with you here its always a good day. I can feel your warmth and your love, something I can not explain to anyone but it feels good to be able to feel it. Thank you my sweet baby. Jacen and I will be coming out to visit you today and bring you fresh flowers. I love you my darling.

Love always,
Mommy

Place for an Angel....

So I found this picture today and it just reminded me of what I imagine Heaven to be like. It also reminds me of Jay and the day he visited us in the form of a butterfly. So calm and peaceful.

New Year.....

Ok so I have been terrible at blogging lately. But I hope to be better at it now. I am working (still) on getting the Heaven's Seashells going, having a hard time finding the time to work on it. But I hope to have it going soon, I will try to get a link to that blog added to here. Hopefully when it starts warming up I will be able to actually go to the beach and find some shells and take pictures of them there, well that is the plan anyways.

Hi son I hope you are having a wonderful time with all your family and friends there in Heaven. I love and miss you so very much. I will be coming out to visit you soon. I need to take down your Christmas tree and put up your new flowers. I cant believe we are already into 2010! This year I hope will be a better year for me emotionally, no the pain of losing you will never ever go away but I hope to find a way to be at peace with it. You are and will always be my star in the night sky, and I know anytime I need your guidance all I have to do is look for it. I love you sweet boy.

Love always,
Mommy

Merry Christmas..

Merry Christmas angel baby. This is our second Christmas without you and its still just as hard as it was last year. I know each year will be the same. I know you are having a beautiful Christmas up there in Heaven with Jesus and all your little angel friends and family. I love you so much baby boy and miss you dearly. Grandmas and grandpas and uncles and aunt and of course mommy and daddy and Jacen all send our love to you. We wish you could be here with us of course but we understand Heaven is where you were meant to be. :( I wish it didnt have to be this way. Your little brother rolled over (in all directions) tonight on his own. We are so proud of him. Everyday is something new and exciting with him. I love you sweet pea and miss you always. Angel kisses.

Love
Mommy

19 months...

Angel baby, I am thinking about you today. I miss you terribly. I don't know where I would be in this world without you in my life even if you cant be in my arms. You are loved and missed by many. You may never know how you have changed my life. Here is a poem I wrote for you today. I love you my sweet baby.

The Voice that is missing...

I never heard your voice,
I never heard your cry,
To this day I will never know why.

I sit and listen to the house all a bustle
and know that there is a voice that is missing.
I do not know why.

I listen to your baby brother's gentle breathing
and know that there is a voice still missing.
I do not know why.

I listen to the wind blowing outside and your wind chime ringing in the breeze
and know that there is the voice I was missing.

Stocking...

Christmas 2009

Christmas 2009

Christmas Decorations....

Hello angel, we came out today and put up your Christmas tree and brought out the wreath. I hope you enjoy them. We love and miss you greatly my sweet baby.

Mommy

18 months...

Can you believe 18 months is here? Sometimes I just dont know what to say or even what to think. I think of you constantly and wonder what you are doing right now at this very moment in heaven. Of course I will never know until I am there with you. Thank you for coming to visit us the other day, it was very much needed for both me and daddy. Tell God thank you! We came to visit you today. It was nice to go to you and just sit in peace, your little plant that Mary brought you is growing like crazy! My goodness how time is going by so quickly yet so slowly. I know I say that all the time but its so very true. Its just so strange how we want time to pass quickly yet we also want it to slow down sometimes. Like for us, we want to hurry up and see you again but at the same time, we want to slow down because Jacen is just growing so fast. I love you so much son. I can not wait to hold you again. You never cease to amaze me with what you are still showing me and teaching me. We will be coming out in a few weeks to put up your Christmas tree. I wonder what Christmas is like in Heaven? I bet it is amazing! I am sorry this note to you is just rambling, I am just at a loss for words tonight. I miss you so much I cant hardly stand it. Love, Mommy

Angel Face...

I don't think I have ever tried to sit and name every sign that I have seen from my son. There are just so many. But a recent one that both Jay and I saw was this past Friday, we were driving down the road (in separate cars, he was right behind me) and I was talking to him on the phone and I looked up at the sky and said, "oh my goodness do you see what I see?" I said "that cloud right there is Jay's face!" It was if I was looking right at him and he was standing right in front of me. Jay said "yes I see it too!" I didn't have to tell him what cloud I was talking about. It was amazing and just as soon as we both saw him he was gone. I got goosebumps! How great is God when he can allow you to see the beautiful child that is gone from this world? You can not imagine what it feels like to be allowed to see what is beyond this world. Things that you never thought could change you have a whole new meaning. Things that you thought were lifeless and just a source of weather are now treasures in your heart. A flower is now not just a flower but a sign that there is a greater purpose and there is more to that flower than you can see. It is full of life, a life that you can not see or would never know is there. But I do.