My sweet baby boy, I can not believe 2 years have come and gone. This time 2 years ago I was at birthing class sitting next to your daddy and listening to our instructor talking about if something is wrong and how we should go to the ER immediately if we are having certain problems and such. I remember sitting there thinking, "oh my goodness I can not even imagine being in that position." It never crossed my mind that later on I would be in that very spot.
I remember waking up to contractions and timing them before I freaked out. I laid there looking at the clock for an hour before waking up daddy. I remember the last time I looked at he clock it was 12:30am and contractions were every 3 minutes. When I woke daddy up and told him it was time to go he jumped up and threw on some clothes and I sat up and I remember being so very cold. I didn't think anything of it, just that night our instructor told us that you can run fever during labor. So I thought it was all a part of being in labor. I had no idea what lay ahead and that the happiest time in our lives would soon turn to our worst nightmare. I remember daddy asking me on the way to the hospital if I thought I was running a fever I said I wasn't sure. I got out our book that we got that night in birthing class to look up the warning signs that something might be wrong, and found the page that clearly stated....FEVER- get to hospital immediately. My excitement soon turned to fright. When we finally got to Tallahassee we stopped at a convenient store to buy a thermometer to see if I was running fever. They didn't have one. Then we saw a CVS and stopped at it, I called my mom to make sure I was actually in labor, because I hadn't felt a contraction since we had left the house. Daddy comes back to the car with the thermometer and I think I remember my fever being 99.something.
We get to the hospital ER and daddy tells the nurse that I was having abdominal pain....(silly moment...but I kind of laughed and told him to make sure and tell her I was pregnant, because she asked me if I had a Will filled out.) When he told her she laughed and said "oh never mind you will be going to the 3rd floor for labor and delivery." Soon a night nurse came and got us and took us up to triage. Where I was then hooked up to the heart monitor and contraction monitor. AND where the nurse told us that your heartbeat looked great! That very quickly changed as she realized that it was picking up my heartbeat. (at this point my sense of time left me) For what seemed like forever the nurse and other nurses were coming and checking my pulse with your heartbeat. Finally we were told that our doctor would be in shortly and that we were being moved to a birthing suite and that they were also instructed to do an ultrasound to make sure you were doing fine.
The ultrasound tech came in and did the ultrasound so that we could see you and right there on the monitor I could see the spot where your heart should have been beating....but there was no heartbeat. I remember wanting to scream! I remember the nurse asking me to hold my breath for a moment to make sure that your heartbeat was there and that maybe it was just very faint. I already knew that you were gone there was no need to keep checking. No use...you had already left this world before you even entered it. Finally Dr. M came in and gave us the grave news. We then had to make the decision on what to do next, something no parent is ever prepared for. I won't go on with the rest as most of the rest of the birthing process I don't remember because I was under a lot of medication to keep me out and I know I've written to you about it many times.
In many ways your passing has changed me a lot of ways for the better and a lot of ways I feel for bad. Grief has paid its toll on me (us) and will continue to do so. Its hard to go through each day knowing that you are not here in my arms or running around the house screaming and chasing Shelby or playing with Jacen. But no matter how grief has changed me I would do everything all over again if I could even if I knew the outcome would be the same. Those 37 weeks we spent together were the best of my life and I would not change them or take them back for anything.
Tomorrow we will be celebrating the short life you had with us. There will be candles and cake and food and so much love for you. I hope you come to join us in the celebration. If a butterfly comes to visit I will know it was you. If the brightest star lights up the night sky I will know it was you winking your beautiful eyes. I love you so much baby. I miss you like crazy it hurts.
I saw this poem and it made me think of you. *it has been slightly changed*
I Still Miss You
by Damaris Calderon
It's been some time, since you've been gone
I thought by now, I would be strong
I think of you, and shed my tears
I wonder who, will still my fears.
Your memories remain, inside my heart
My soul it seems, to be torn apart
You told me secrets, I hold so dear
I only wish, you would be near.
I still miss and love you, can't you see
I wish to hold, and talk with thee
So many things, I could not say
And now you've gone, so far away.
You taught me to, in God believe
You said he would always, take care of me
So take my hand, and guide me there
And save a place, one day to share.
