May, can you be completely over yet?
Since May began I have been having those oh so wonderful flashbacks of the night Jay died. Not just a "I remember that night vividly" type thing, oh no its the I smell all the same things I did that night, I hear all the same things I heard that night, I VIVIDLY remember the touch of a few things that night.
Its as if that night is happening all over again only thing is that night will never end for me. It isnt one of those I had the worst night of my life or a bad day, those you can go on the next day as if nothing happened. This night will follow me FOREVER. Those smells, sounds and everything else about that night will haunt me until I die.
I remember the clothes I wore when we got up out of bed to go to the hospital, I remember the smell of the car, I remember the phone conversation between me and my mom as I called her on my way there, I remember the smell of the ER as we entered, I remember the conversation between us and the attendant at the ER, I remember the L&D nurse that came and got us, I remember changing into the hospital gown, I remember the smell of the bathroom as I changed, I remember the sound of the heartbeat monitor, I remember the touch of the nurses hand on my wrist as she checked HIS heartbeat to my pulse, I remember walking to my birthing suit, I remember the feel and smell of that room, I remember the ticking of the clock as it ticked the moments I had left with Jay away, I remember the feel of the U/S wand on my belly as it revealed that Jay's heart was no longer beating, I remember the smell of Dr. M's cologne when he came in to tell us that Jay had died, I remember Dr. H touching my arm and hugging me the next morning, I remember few moments after they gave me whatever medicine that knocked me out, I remember the sudden emptiness and loneliness I felt the moment Jay's body entered this world, I remember the show that was on TV when he entered this world(we had it on for sound), I remember the smell of his body when they brought him to me, I remember the feel of his blankets, I remember his tiny beautiful face, I remember the smell of my body after Jay's body was taken from mine, I remember the shower after delivering him, I remember the sleepless night, I remember being wheeled down to the car when it was time to go home, I remember the smell of the house when we entered it, I remember the look on Shelby's (our black lab)face when we came in the door, I remember the smell of my shampoo, I remember the first time I walked into his room after we got home. Devastating.
Grief, I hate you. These moments will follow me until the day I die. The most horrible part of all of this is, I can only remember few things about Jay after he was born. I hate that. I hate that life has to be this way, that in our world sometimes our children don't out live their parents. That parents have to bury their babies. Its not fair at all.
I dont wish I could pretend his life didn't happen, who would I be if I did? But I wish that life didn't have to be this way.
All I can say is...Grief I hate you!
Today is always an emotionally hard day. For the past 2 years its been hard. But day by day my grief has changed, its not raw like it was at the beginning but it hurts none the less. Every day is a struggle to understand the unknown and the why. But remembering that God's plan for us is something greater and beautiful helps me to make it through.
