Jay's Angel Wings...

I opened up my email tonight and found these waiting for me. I just love them. My angel baby forever.

Thank you Lea!

Beautiful Flower.....

Good morning my beautiful baby. I was looking through some of my pictures and saw this one and it reminded me of you. I just wanted to tell you how much I love and miss you.

Love,
Mommy

Bring on the Rain....or not..

So it's 9:30pm and it's raining out, about how I am feeling right now. To be honest I haven't cried in a while. I ache every moment of every day, but I haven't cried in awhile. Why is that? I visit him often, I make stuff for him all the time, I try to think of ways to memorialize other angel babies. But lately I can not cry? I still miss him like crazy and feel like screaming sometimes. Maybe its one of the "better" moments, the storm is likely coming.

20 months....

Good morning my love. Today marks the day that you have been gone for 20 months. I feel you with me today, because so far its been a quiet day, but again its only 7:30am so there is still plenty of day left for the sadness to creep in. I still just as I always will have the ache in my heart for you but I know you are safe from the evil and sadness of this world. You are a special angel and even though I do not know why you could not stay with me I am thankful to have you in my life even if you arent here in the flesh with me. I love you my precious, beautiful son with all my heart and that will never change. When you were here you brought so much love and peace. You are my hope, my sunshine, my northern star, my everything. Without you and your little brother, I would be nothing but an empty person waiting for my day to die. I hope today is a "good" day but I know with you here its always a good day. I can feel your warmth and your love, something I can not explain to anyone but it feels good to be able to feel it. Thank you my sweet baby. Jacen and I will be coming out to visit you today and bring you fresh flowers. I love you my darling.

Love always,
Mommy

Place for an Angel....

So I found this picture today and it just reminded me of what I imagine Heaven to be like. It also reminds me of Jay and the day he visited us in the form of a butterfly. So calm and peaceful.

New Year.....

Ok so I have been terrible at blogging lately. But I hope to be better at it now. I am working (still) on getting the Heaven's Seashells going, having a hard time finding the time to work on it. But I hope to have it going soon, I will try to get a link to that blog added to here. Hopefully when it starts warming up I will be able to actually go to the beach and find some shells and take pictures of them there, well that is the plan anyways.

Hi son I hope you are having a wonderful time with all your family and friends there in Heaven. I love and miss you so very much. I will be coming out to visit you soon. I need to take down your Christmas tree and put up your new flowers. I cant believe we are already into 2010! This year I hope will be a better year for me emotionally, no the pain of losing you will never ever go away but I hope to find a way to be at peace with it. You are and will always be my star in the night sky, and I know anytime I need your guidance all I have to do is look for it. I love you sweet boy.

Love always,
Mommy

Merry Christmas..

Merry Christmas angel baby. This is our second Christmas without you and its still just as hard as it was last year. I know each year will be the same. I know you are having a beautiful Christmas up there in Heaven with Jesus and all your little angel friends and family. I love you so much baby boy and miss you dearly. Grandmas and grandpas and uncles and aunt and of course mommy and daddy and Jacen all send our love to you. We wish you could be here with us of course but we understand Heaven is where you were meant to be. :( I wish it didnt have to be this way. Your little brother rolled over (in all directions) tonight on his own. We are so proud of him. Everyday is something new and exciting with him. I love you sweet pea and miss you always. Angel kisses.

Love
Mommy

19 months...

Angel baby, I am thinking about you today. I miss you terribly. I don't know where I would be in this world without you in my life even if you cant be in my arms. You are loved and missed by many. You may never know how you have changed my life. Here is a poem I wrote for you today. I love you my sweet baby.

The Voice that is missing...

I never heard your voice,
I never heard your cry,
To this day I will never know why.

I sit and listen to the house all a bustle
and know that there is a voice that is missing.
I do not know why.

I listen to your baby brother's gentle breathing
and know that there is a voice still missing.
I do not know why.

I listen to the wind blowing outside and your wind chime ringing in the breeze
and know that there is the voice I was missing.

Stocking...

Christmas 2009

Christmas 2009

Christmas Decorations....

Hello angel, we came out today and put up your Christmas tree and brought out the wreath. I hope you enjoy them. We love and miss you greatly my sweet baby.

Mommy

18 months...

Can you believe 18 months is here? Sometimes I just dont know what to say or even what to think. I think of you constantly and wonder what you are doing right now at this very moment in heaven. Of course I will never know until I am there with you. Thank you for coming to visit us the other day, it was very much needed for both me and daddy. Tell God thank you! We came to visit you today. It was nice to go to you and just sit in peace, your little plant that Mary brought you is growing like crazy! My goodness how time is going by so quickly yet so slowly. I know I say that all the time but its so very true. Its just so strange how we want time to pass quickly yet we also want it to slow down sometimes. Like for us, we want to hurry up and see you again but at the same time, we want to slow down because Jacen is just growing so fast. I love you so much son. I can not wait to hold you again. You never cease to amaze me with what you are still showing me and teaching me. We will be coming out in a few weeks to put up your Christmas tree. I wonder what Christmas is like in Heaven? I bet it is amazing! I am sorry this note to you is just rambling, I am just at a loss for words tonight. I miss you so much I cant hardly stand it. Love, Mommy

Angel Face...

I don't think I have ever tried to sit and name every sign that I have seen from my son. There are just so many. But a recent one that both Jay and I saw was this past Friday, we were driving down the road (in separate cars, he was right behind me) and I was talking to him on the phone and I looked up at the sky and said, "oh my goodness do you see what I see?" I said "that cloud right there is Jay's face!" It was if I was looking right at him and he was standing right in front of me. Jay said "yes I see it too!" I didn't have to tell him what cloud I was talking about. It was amazing and just as soon as we both saw him he was gone. I got goosebumps! How great is God when he can allow you to see the beautiful child that is gone from this world? You can not imagine what it feels like to be allowed to see what is beyond this world. Things that you never thought could change you have a whole new meaning. Things that you thought were lifeless and just a source of weather are now treasures in your heart. A flower is now not just a flower but a sign that there is a greater purpose and there is more to that flower than you can see. It is full of life, a life that you can not see or would never know is there. But I do.

The Cord...

We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised…. I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away!

This poem has so much meaning to me. Its kind of ironic I guess in a sense considering the cord that connected Jay's life to me and kept him living those 37 wonderful weeks is what eventually killed him. But the cord that connects our hearts for eternity lives on forever. That cord will never become twisted and sever our lives again. I miss you my sweet angel. Its been too long since I've held you and God do I ever ache to hold you again. Soon, when it is my time.

Mommy

Pictures...

Shelby...

Been playing around with this new photo editing software I found, and I love it! I love this picture of Shelby and Baby Jay, her face just says it all for me. It looks like the face of pure innocence and love. The things that your eyes open up to when you realize God and His wonderfulness is right there next to you. I saw my son in a butterfly! God is amazing...

Sunset....

Sunset is drawing near,

Tomorrow is almost here,

Tomorrow is a new day,

Will I still miss him here

As long as the sun sets and rises,

I will always ache for him, miss him, cry for him, and yearn to hold him again.

Tomorrow is almost here,

Will tomorrow be the day?

Like his name written in the sand

And washed away by the ocean.

So be the tears that I cry by the sun setting on my day.

Secret Garden Meeting....

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

My husband, family and friends that I have met along this journey. After my sons passing my husband and I knew that we had to try again soon, 3 months later we were given the OK. So we did and knew 3 weeks later that we were pregnant again with his little brother. He is now what keeps me going forward. I did start this blog shortly after his passing and that has helped too, just to have a place to go that no one judges me and I can speak freely about what is on my mind at that moment. I like to have a place to write to him and remember the life that we shared. Songs, have also helped me remember him and "try" to be at peace with the question I will not get an answer to, the why?

One song that brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it is..."My Name" by George Canyon.

I know one of the biggest things for me is going to visit him at the cemetery, its peaceful there.

~Misty

Angel Jay

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Our Candle for Jay.....

We love and miss you sweet boy. Until we meet again.

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and baby brother Jacen

17 months.....

17 months tomorrow and I still do not have words. I am left feeling helpless to this day. This past week or so seems to be especially hard. I dont know if I am teetering on the edge of insanity or if its just a mother still seeking answers she will not find. Is it so much to ask why? Is it too hard to give an answer to that question? When will I know? Why cant I know now? They say "Life is what YOU make of it", is it really? I thought I was making a wonderful, happy life when we decided to get married and have a baby, but having a baby didnt turn out like we thought it would. So is my life this nightmare, because I MADE it that way? No it isnt. I did not chose for this to happen. I would have gladly taken his place in a heartbeat if I was given the chance. I would still trade places with him if God came to me right now and said I could. My time is not done, I am still learning my lessons, and my destiny is not fulfilled yet. When it is I will once again be reunited with my precious baby. Until then, I am made to wonder why and only remember what he smelled like, looked like, felt like. Or what he would be like today if he were here with me.
Jacen is my beautiful blessing and has been a gift from God. I can not imagine a day without him. I always wonder how it is done. It seems as though on the surface (if you didnt know me) that I am very happy and nothing is wrong. (as I have been told) But on the inside while I am happy that I have Jacen I am so very sad and "defeated" (for lack of a better word) that Jay is not here. How can you be two very different emotions at the same time? Who knows, God works in mysterious ways and ways that we will never understand. Who are we to question Him?
I love you my sweet son. I miss you with every breath I breathe. I can not wait for the day that we meet again. You are the love that I found from within, the light that guides me and the butterfly that shows me the strength within.

Love always,
Mommy

New Pictures of Jay's Garden.....

16 months.....

hello baby, I thought I would write to you tonight. I cant believe its already been 16 months, I remember that night like it was only yesterday. On one hand it feels like such a long time ago and than again it feels like its been just yesterday. I remember the day before in the shower feeling you moving and I remember smiling thinking about how beautiful and great life was going to be for us 3. I remember being at work that day and telling a few people that I havent felt you move in a little while and them saying, "dont worry you are getting so close that happens as you get closer." I remember waking up at 12am May 15th with horrible contractions and sitting there for half an hour timing how far apart they were, I remember waking daddy up and telling him I thought it was time to go. I remember telling him "I've been timing them for half an hour and they are 2 minutes apart." I remember getting out of bed and being so very cold, and thinking maybe this is just a part of labor. I remember getting in the car and looking through our birthing class book and flipping to the "warning signs that you need to get to the ER right away" page and reading the one line that put my heart racing....."high fever- get to hospital immediately." I remember getting to the ER and having to pee really bad, and telling daddy that he needs to tell the nurse that I am pregnant, (all he told her was that I was having severe pain in my abdomen, she asked if I had my will written up!) I remember the labor and delivery nurse coming to get us to take us upstairs. I remember the smell of the triage room we were in, I remember all the monitors, I remember feeling anxious and excited and nervous. I remember getting undressed (into the lovely hospital gowns) I remember talking with the nurse about how far apart the contractions were, I remember her hooking me up to the heart and contraction monitors. I remember her saying you are having little contractions and saying he has a great heartbeat. I remember her leaving the room and coming back and checking to see if I was dilated. I remember her saying "well you are like a 1 and you arent doing a whole lot we are going to send you home." I remember telling her can we check to make sure baby is doing ok, I havent felt him moving a whole lot today," I remember the look on her face when I said that, it was almost a look of dread and panic at the same time. I remember her taking my wrist and checking it with your heart monitor. I remember thinking....what is she doing? I remember it seeming like forever before another nurse came in and checking my pulse with your heartbeat. I remember her smiling slightly at me and saying "sometimes they can turn over and if their backs are facing out its hard to get a heartbeat on this thing." I remember the nurse coming back and saying "your doctor is on his way, we are moving you to a labor room he has ordered us to do an ultrasound just to be sure everything with baby is going alright. I remember being paranoid and scared at this point. I remember no one telling us what was going on. I remember being moved to the labor room and the room being dimly lit. I remember the nurses coming in to do the ultrasound and remember the look on the nurses faces, absolute dread and sorrow. I remember them not saying a word but pointing to the machine. I remember looking at it...(i had seen them so much a this point I knew what I was looking at.) I remember seeing the stillness of where your heart should have been beating. I remember the nurse typing out the letters...HRT over your heart. I remember her asking me to breathe in real deep and hold it. I remember nearly screaming at all of them for not telling me! I remember Dr. Morales coming in and the look on his face and how softly he spoke. I remember him saying "Honey, I am so sorry but the baby is gone." I remember feeling at that moment wanting to die. I do not remember much of anything else he spoke after that. I do remember him saying "fetal demise" a few times and how it made me want to vomit. I remember him saying we can do an autopsy if you both choose to, so that we might find out what happened to little man. I remember feeling sick at the thought of that. I remember thinking "just this morning I was thinking about what I needed to do to finish your room and prepare for your arrival and now I am having to decide whether or not I want an autopsy done on your body!!! This is not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I remember telling him that I could not have you naturally I wanted a c-section. I remember him telling me he would consult with Dr. Hall and him asking me to reconsider, because it was a major surgery and that there is a chance I could die. I remember thinking, if something happens during surgery....let me die, let me die, LET ME DIE!!! I remember just looking over at daddy and wanting to crawl in a hole and hiding from the world. I remember wanting to run as fast as I could....to anywhere but there. I remember us talking about the autopsy and agreeing that we could not do that to you. I remember calling everyone.....I remember the sound of pain and sorrow in their voices. I do not remember much of what was said though. I remember Dr. Hall coming in, giving me a hug and telling us how sorry he was. I remember the feelings of helplessness and the unbearable pain, the hole in my heart. I remember not much else because after a while they put me under a lot of drugs. I remember people coming in and out. I remember waking up to someone telling me it was time to push. I remember delivering you. I remember seeing you briefly right after you were born and saying "oh my God he is beautiful." and sobbing. I remember the pain on Dr. Hall's face when he said, "his umbilical cord is twisted." I remember it seemed like hours before they finally brought you to me. When they finally did, I remember feeling this love that no one can explain, this pain that can not be described, and such sorrow. I remember letting you go so soon. I remember wanting to get up out of that bed and run with you as far as I could. I remember leaving the hospital without you and feeling defeated and feeling like I had to leave a part of my soul behind. (which I did) I remember that day that you taught me some very important lessons, you taught me that love is great love does not end just because a life here on earth does. You have shown me what true love is. You have shown me things that I otherwise never would have seen.
I love you son and miss you so very much. Until we meet again, my darling son.

Love
Mommy

Just thoughts....

You know everyday is a new day and each day brings new adventures; and with it, is there more peace or more pain that is brought? Some days are ok for me and some days are not. For the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about seeing a counselor, but have been too ashamed and scared to. I have always been a person that has always been too stubborn and felt that I could handle everything and anything on my own....except this. Since my angel came into my life I have been given this sort of gift....the gift of sight. I have seen things I otherwise before baby Jay would have passed off as just the circle of life happening. But since Jay, I have been given the opportunity to see beyond that. Maybe its this part of my being that is telling me not to give up on myself so fast or easily. After all of the signs and God's messages I have to try and be at peace, right? I know of God's wonderfulness and how great He is, but sometimes its still hard for me to try and stand up straight and tall and be strong. Sometimes I want to fall down and scream and cry and just hurt for a while. Sometimes I dont want to cry anymore, but how do you stop? Doesnt mean I wont still be dying inside. Its been 16 months on Tuesday and I feel broken and hurt. Like I said some days I feel ok.....the past couple of weeks has not been one of those times. With God as my Father, Jacen as my medicine, Jay as my light...I will make it through.