Tears.....

Today I find it incredibly hard to go forward. I miss you so much! The tears are flowing and won't stop. I want to find peace, I want to find comfort. But I don't see it happening, my heart hurts and my anger is growing, again. It's unfair. I had a brief flashback to the night he was born and saw how I lay in the hospital bed waiting his arrival. I cry because I want to be there again in that moment, so that I may prepare the memories all over again. Instead of being in a medicated state I would be awake and planning his arrival. I would take more pictures, I would get molds of his feet and hands, I would bring his whole closet if I could so that we may see him in HIS clothes. I would wrap my arms around him for days if they would have let me, instead of the measly 10 minutes I took. I would unwrap him from his blanket and look at him, I would take off his little hat to see his beautiful hair. I would kiss him and hug him all night.

Grief comes and goes on its own accord. Some days it hits hard and others its there but it doesn't consume me as it does today.

So for now to ease this sorrow and pain, I will take his little brother and hold him tight and not let him go until he screams for me to do so, and maybe even then I won't. :)

I love you my dear son and I miss you so very much.

27 long months without you......

Everyday is still the same, painful. I can't believe 27 months have come and gone. I can't believe this pain still is as strong as it was the moment I found out you were gone. Everyone says "it gets easier as time goes by..." I don't believe it, 2 years and 3 months later and it still feels like I am hit by a truck every morning when I wake up and remember "its not a dream, my son really is dead" All of the "what if's" and "could have beens" and "should bes" still follow me daily.

I look at that sweet little boy you saved almost 16 months ago and smile because you are my son and that wonderful thing you did was and still is amazing. Many don't believe me, some have even told me I need to seek help. But no doctor or amount of help would matter, because I am not sick. I don't know why it is so hard for some people to believe that angels come to do God's work and save people daily. Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there.

I am in waiting now, waiting for the day when I get to see your beautiful face again. I am waiting for the moment to hold you again. I am waiting to see your beautiful smile, and hear your wonderful laugh, and see you playing with the other children who live in Heaven. I am waiting....

I think about you everyday, every moment and think to myself "how could this have happened?" But I know God had a higher plan for your life and I have to accept that, some days I do and others I find it hard to do.

I love you and miss you so much.

Grandma...

Thank you for all your prayers. They have found her and she is doing well. They found her across the street from her own home at a neighbors who was not at home. She is 82 and has dementia so she thought it was her house.

I am glad she is safe and back with her family. This is my real father's mother and even though we have had rough times, I would never wish anything bad to happen to him or his family.

What a crazy day, but glad it ended well.

My grandma is missing....

If anyone living near Chickasha, Ok has seen her, please call the local police. News story click the link to view.

She is 82 and has dementia. I don't know much else as that side of my family doesn't talk to my brother or I. But I certainly dont want anything bad to happen to her.

Please pray that they find her and she is fine.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

I submitted our story here, this is a wonderful place to put a face to all the mommies you associate with through this nightmare. Go check it out and grab their button...(my face is on it!:))

The visit...

I went to the cemetery today for a visit since I havent been out there since April. I first went out there and realized I hadn't changed his flowers since April! Everything still looked fine but his flowers were old and dirty and faded. I went and bought him some new ones and came back and sat there with him and Jacen sitting beside me playing. I loved that moment. For one short brief moment...I was with both of my boys. I didn't want to leave but I knew it was time, it was getting very hot and Jacen was getting fussy. One brief moment we were all together, the way it SHOULD have been.

Then on the drive home I heard this song I have not heard before, "If I Die Young"...and I cried all the way home..and all I could think about was

If I die young...bury me beside my son, If I die young don't cry for me because I am home. If I die young, hold my hand and bury me with love and know that I will see you again. Bury me with a picture of me and BOTH of my sons.

26 months...

Hello baby boy. 26 months have come and gone and there isnt a day that has gone by that I dont think of you. I love you more than anything.

Many days now I don't know what to say or what to even think. But I do know for sure that my sons are the world to me and I will love them to the end of time. My angel for what ever reason could not stay here and then his little brother came and he was there to save him. I know his purpose and even though I am sad and heartbroken that he is not here with me, it makes me so very proud to be his mother and know that his death had a reason that is beyond anything I can even began to comprehend.

Today I am going to hug my son a little more and tell him I love him a little more and to my son in heaven, I will think about him more, and just love being his mommy more than I ever have if that is even possible. I ask you to pray for Ashley's family. They are missing another piece of their family today. He is a brother, a son, a grandson, a friend, a nephew and an UNCLE that will be missed by his family and friends.

2 year anniversary.....

I meant to post this on the 4th of July weekend, but we got kind of busy.

July 4th marked the 2nd anniversary for the blog!

I wish I would have run into blogging before Jay passed and would have had more memories posted here for him and us to look back on but unfortunately I didn't even know blogging existed until after he had passed away.

I love and miss you so much my darling boy.

PMDD?

I know I know its crazy, but I seriously think I have PMDD. Why you might ask? I've been trying to figure out for some time now what could be causing me all these problems such as

insomnia
anger (not from grief either, just anger that comes out of no where. Well I guess it could be from grief.)
terrible mood swings and other things.

When Jacen was first born I thought well maybe its from just giving birth and having a baby at home and all of the "first" mommy experiences compounded with grief. But its been 14 months later and I still see no relief.

I also thought depression because of everything we have been though and that could still very well be the case, but on a typical day I feel "fine" but when it is coming close to that time of the month (TMI) is when all of this really hits me hard. I am a total mess and seems like every little thing sets me off. Here is some info I found about PMDD...


from Mary Gallenberg, M.D.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe, sometimes disabling form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Although regular PMS and PMDD both have physical and emotional symptoms, PMDD causes extreme mood shifts that can disrupt your work and damage your relationships. About 30 percent of menstruating women have PMS. Up to 8 percent of women with PMS have symptoms that meet the diagnostic criteria for PMDD.

In both PMDD and PMS, symptoms occur in the last week of the menstrual cycle and usually improve within a few days after menstruation begins. Both PMDD and PMS may also cause bloating, breast tenderness, fatigue, and changes in sleep and eating habits. In PMDD, however, the following emotional and behavioral symptoms stand out:

• Anxiety
• Feelings of being "keyed up" or "on edge"
• Persistent irritability
• Marked anger

The cause of PMDD isn't clear. Underlying depression and anxiety are common in both PMS and PMDD, so it's possible that the normal physical changes that trigger a menstrual period somehow exacerbate mood disorders.

Treatment of PMDD is directed at preventing or minimizing symptoms and may include:

• Antidepressants. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as fluoxetine (Prozac, others) and sertraline (Zoloft, others), reduce symptoms such as fatigue, food cravings and sleep problems. You can control PMDD by taking SSRIs all month or only in the interval between ovulation and the start of your period.
• Birth control pills. Taking birth control pills stops ovulation and stabilizes hormone fluctuations. Birth control pills containing drospirenone and packaged with a four-day placebo interval after 24 days of combination hormones may be more effective than are standard birth control pills.
• Nutritional supplements. Consuming 1,000 milligrams of dietary and supplemental calcium daily may reduce the physical and emotional symptoms of PMDD. Vitamin B-6, magnesium and L-tryptophan also may help.
• Herbal remedies. Clinical trials suggest that chasteberry may reduce irritability, mood swings, anger and headaches associated with PMDD.
• Diet and lifestyle changes. Regular exercise often reduces premenstrual symptoms. Cutting back caffeine intake can alleviate anxiety and irritability. Also, eating more carbohydrates in the week before your period may improve mood and memory.

It's important that you review your symptoms with your doctor. A thorough medical evaluation can determine if symptoms are due to PMDD or some other condition. If you are diagnosed with PMDD, your doctor can recommend specific treatments to help minimize the impact PMDD has on the days you experience symptoms.

Hello baby...

Today I woke up and this song was stuck in my head..."So far away, doesnt anybody stay in one place anymore?" I cant remember the name of the song and who sings it. But I realized why it was stuck in my head, because today is your day. 25 months! It seems unreal.

How could this have happened? We wanted you and wanted to love you. We would have never done you harm. We would have protected you from everything even if it meant our lives. We still want you here with us and love you so much.

Some days I am just without words. I dont know what to think, I dont know how to feel, I dont know what to do.

I love you so much my baby boy.

I want to show you some pictures I found and just had to buy. They made me think of you! :)




Love you.

Doing what God called him to do....

I may get bits of this story wrong and I'm sorry but this is just too amazing to me not to share.

A woman that works with my mother in law has a daughter who was pregnant. Just last week she went into early labor due to some complications. The grandma left work to rush to the hospital to be with her daughter and the daughter's boyfriend. Due to the complications the doctors told the family that they had a major decision to make, either save the baby, save the mommy or "try" and save both. In the midst of making a decision (they had a couple hours it seemed) they all fell asleep.

The grandma is woken up by "someone" she says, and is told to check the baby's heartbeat. She looks at the heart rate monitor for the baby and just knows something is wrong. She calls for a nurse and tells her "something is wrong with the heartbeat, what is going on?" The nurse blows it off and tells her the baby is doing fine. Not satisfied with this answer the grandma demands the nurse get the doctor right away. The doctor comes in and the grandma tells him the same thing. The doctor checks it out and says "you are right we have at most 10 minutes to get this baby out!" They rush the mom to the OR and gets the baby in time.

Now I must tell you that my mother in law only knows this woman (grandma) in passing and has never spoken to her about my son (Baby Jay).

The grandma returns to work a few days later to tell my mother in law that "I remember Baby Jay, and not wanting to upset her says "Baby Jay or....ummm God came to me and woke me up and told me to check my granddaughter's heart beat." (Not exact words) This woman only knows that we lost our son by my father in law who used to be her boss. But he never has spoken that much about him only that he passed away, but not much else. She also did not know that we call him Baby Jay. But she kept saying, I remember Baby Jay. As if she was saying (but not wanting to upset) that he was there and she saw him and thats how she knew to check.

That baby and her mommy are doing great. They both went home yesterday and are in perfect health, when only a few days ago the doctors were saying they could only "guarantee" that they could save only one of them.

This I believe is one of those moments you would have had to been in to fully understand this story. As soon as I heard this I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God sent my son to that woman and helped save that baby girl.

God's plan for my sweet Jay is beyond anything I can imagine. But I know, WE all know that God is showing us that He did in fact need Baby Jay. Not that we ever doubted Him but when grieving you dont see clearly. And you began to beg to understand.

God has spoken....VOLUMES.

Memorial Site...

I created a memorial page for Jay if you would like to come check it out click here.

Thank you again Sandie!

Grief.....I hate you.

May, can you be completely over yet?

Since May began I have been having those oh so wonderful flashbacks of the night Jay died. Not just a "I remember that night vividly" type thing, oh no its the I smell all the same things I did that night, I hear all the same things I heard that night, I VIVIDLY remember the touch of a few things that night.

Its as if that night is happening all over again only thing is that night will never end for me. It isnt one of those I had the worst night of my life or a bad day, those you can go on the next day as if nothing happened. This night will follow me FOREVER. Those smells, sounds and everything else about that night will haunt me until I die.

I remember the clothes I wore when we got up out of bed to go to the hospital, I remember the smell of the car, I remember the phone conversation between me and my mom as I called her on my way there, I remember the smell of the ER as we entered, I remember the conversation between us and the attendant at the ER, I remember the L&D nurse that came and got us, I remember changing into the hospital gown, I remember the smell of the bathroom as I changed, I remember the sound of the heartbeat monitor, I remember the touch of the nurses hand on my wrist as she checked HIS heartbeat to my pulse, I remember walking to my birthing suit, I remember the feel and smell of that room, I remember the ticking of the clock as it ticked the moments I had left with Jay away, I remember the feel of the U/S wand on my belly as it revealed that Jay's heart was no longer beating, I remember the smell of Dr. M's cologne when he came in to tell us that Jay had died, I remember Dr. H touching my arm and hugging me the next morning, I remember few moments after they gave me whatever medicine that knocked me out, I remember the sudden emptiness and loneliness I felt the moment Jay's body entered this world, I remember the show that was on TV when he entered this world(we had it on for sound), I remember the smell of his body when they brought him to me, I remember the feel of his blankets, I remember his tiny beautiful face, I remember the smell of my body after Jay's body was taken from mine, I remember the shower after delivering him, I remember the sleepless night, I remember being wheeled down to the car when it was time to go home, I remember the smell of the house when we entered it, I remember the look on Shelby's (our black lab)face when we came in the door, I remember the smell of my shampoo, I remember the first time I walked into his room after we got home. Devastating.

Grief, I hate you. These moments will follow me until the day I die. The most horrible part of all of this is, I can only remember few things about Jay after he was born. I hate that. I hate that life has to be this way, that in our world sometimes our children don't out live their parents. That parents have to bury their babies. Its not fair at all.

I dont wish I could pretend his life didn't happen, who would I be if I did? But I wish that life didn't have to be this way.

All I can say is...Grief I hate you!

Prayers for Courtney....

Please send your support and love to Courtney who lost her 3rd son this morning.

I am so sorry Courtney. Our love and prayers go out to you and your family.

Thank you Sandie!!

I love them!

Garden...

This was taken in April right before Jacen's 1st birthday. April 15th.
This was taken today. May 29th

Forever on my mind...

This beautiful creature was on my front porch this morning.

You are never far from my thoughts and I always know when you are near, as a mother who has lost their child I always have a feeling when you are near. Today I know you were around. For whatever reason God allows me this gift, even though I have been angry. I guess He is showing me that He is still good and that He is the light and the path. Only way to the Father.

Seriously??

Seriously....I just got some random person who commented on my last post...name is "MrLonely" says..."nice blog! Come check mine out when you have a moment." Um how about NO! This is a sacred place to me and its for my dead son! If you are looking for women to check out your freaky page go some place else. DO NOT COME BACK HERE. I will warn you and anyone else looking to disrespect my son only once.

As of right now comments are being changed, I will review all comments before they will show up on the post. Sorry but I wont stand for it. There are too many times I see mothers hurt by people saying things they shouldn't.

Random pictures.....

These are just some pictures I never got to add to here.
Thank you Heather for Jay's pendant...I love it!

Missing you....

After your birthday memorial was over I was sitting at the end of the pool with my feet in the water watching all the beautiful candles and lights and just remembering back to that night 2 years ago when you entered into this world without making a sound.

As I was about to stand up I looked down and next to me was a puddle of candle wax that had dried on the ground....I picked it up because it looked different. What I held in my hand was a heart.

I miss you my son. You will forever have my heart with you.

Funeral.....

In the first 2 pictures it was pointed out to me later that Jesus is in the background...at first I didnt believe it. I thought "does that really happen?" Then WHERE he was at was pointed out and I believe it now.






I have never posted about this before but today it is on my mind. 2 years ago today we buried my perfect little angel. 2 years ago today we laid his sweet innocent body to rest...forever. It is hard to believe.
Hard to move.
Hard to continue on.
Hard to breath.
Hard to do anything at all.

I love and miss you so much Peanut!! Until heaven receives me I will hold you in my heart forever.

Birthday pictures....

Here are a few pictures from the birthday memorial. Some of the ones after dark didnt turn out so well if we didnt have the flash on...and well I didnt really like them with the flash on (you werent seeing what I was seeing.) :)

Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday....

My sweet baby boy, I can not believe 2 years have come and gone. This time 2 years ago I was at birthing class sitting next to your daddy and listening to our instructor talking about if something is wrong and how we should go to the ER immediately if we are having certain problems and such. I remember sitting there thinking, "oh my goodness I can not even imagine being in that position." It never crossed my mind that later on I would be in that very spot.

I remember waking up to contractions and timing them before I freaked out. I laid there looking at the clock for an hour before waking up daddy. I remember the last time I looked at he clock it was 12:30am and contractions were every 3 minutes. When I woke daddy up and told him it was time to go he jumped up and threw on some clothes and I sat up and I remember being so very cold. I didn't think anything of it, just that night our instructor told us that you can run fever during labor. So I thought it was all a part of being in labor. I had no idea what lay ahead and that the happiest time in our lives would soon turn to our worst nightmare. I remember daddy asking me on the way to the hospital if I thought I was running a fever I said I wasn't sure. I got out our book that we got that night in birthing class to look up the warning signs that something might be wrong, and found the page that clearly stated....FEVER- get to hospital immediately. My excitement soon turned to fright. When we finally got to Tallahassee we stopped at a convenient store to buy a thermometer to see if I was running fever. They didn't have one. Then we saw a CVS and stopped at it, I called my mom to make sure I was actually in labor, because I hadn't felt a contraction since we had left the house. Daddy comes back to the car with the thermometer and I think I remember my fever being 99.something.

We get to the hospital ER and daddy tells the nurse that I was having abdominal pain....(silly moment...but I kind of laughed and told him to make sure and tell her I was pregnant, because she asked me if I had a Will filled out.) When he told her she laughed and said "oh never mind you will be going to the 3rd floor for labor and delivery." Soon a night nurse came and got us and took us up to triage. Where I was then hooked up to the heart monitor and contraction monitor. AND where the nurse told us that your heartbeat looked great! That very quickly changed as she realized that it was picking up my heartbeat. (at this point my sense of time left me) For what seemed like forever the nurse and other nurses were coming and checking my pulse with your heartbeat. Finally we were told that our doctor would be in shortly and that we were being moved to a birthing suite and that they were also instructed to do an ultrasound to make sure you were doing fine.

The ultrasound tech came in and did the ultrasound so that we could see you and right there on the monitor I could see the spot where your heart should have been beating....but there was no heartbeat. I remember wanting to scream! I remember the nurse asking me to hold my breath for a moment to make sure that your heartbeat was there and that maybe it was just very faint. I already knew that you were gone there was no need to keep checking. No use...you had already left this world before you even entered it. Finally Dr. M came in and gave us the grave news. We then had to make the decision on what to do next, something no parent is ever prepared for. I won't go on with the rest as most of the rest of the birthing process I don't remember because I was under a lot of medication to keep me out and I know I've written to you about it many times.

In many ways your passing has changed me a lot of ways for the better and a lot of ways I feel for bad. Grief has paid its toll on me (us) and will continue to do so. Its hard to go through each day knowing that you are not here in my arms or running around the house screaming and chasing Shelby or playing with Jacen. But no matter how grief has changed me I would do everything all over again if I could even if I knew the outcome would be the same. Those 37 weeks we spent together were the best of my life and I would not change them or take them back for anything.

Tomorrow we will be celebrating the short life you had with us. There will be candles and cake and food and so much love for you. I hope you come to join us in the celebration. If a butterfly comes to visit I will know it was you. If the brightest star lights up the night sky I will know it was you winking your beautiful eyes. I love you so much baby. I miss you like crazy it hurts.
I saw this poem and it made me think of you. *it has been slightly changed*

I Still Miss You
by Damaris Calderon

It's been some time, since you've been gone
I thought by now, I would be strong
I think of you, and shed my tears
I wonder who, will still my fears.

Your memories remain, inside my heart
My soul it seems, to be torn apart
You told me secrets, I hold so dear
I only wish, you would be near.

I still miss and love you, can't you see
I wish to hold, and talk with thee
So many things, I could not say
And now you've gone, so far away.

You taught me to, in God believe
You said he would always, take care of me
So take my hand, and guide me there
And save a place, one day to share.

A sweet reminder....

I just wanted to say good morning my sweet boy. The other night as we were putting Jacen to bed I happened to look up and see this for us on the ceiling of his room. Sweet thing is it was on his birthday. It was a sweet reminder that you are around watching over us. I love you my darling.