Getting by...

I must warn you before hand, this post may seem very dark and unlike me (if you know me) but I cant keep this inside any longer or I am just going to lose it! Please understand that nothing in this post is meant to hurt anyone or call you out. I am trying the only way I know how to get through this. I am sorry in advance.

I don't know really where to begin, all my thoughts run together anymore. I feel so out of place and so detached from the world as you know it. I just simply hurt, my body hurts my head hurts (I think from thinking way too much) and my heart literally aches constantly. None of this like you may be thinking, oh you just have a headache or you might be coming down with something. No, it's emotional grief. Most days anymore I think, for the safety of my unborn child should I seek help but always talk myself out of it. I always think I know what the issue is and I know what needs to be done to "correct"(for lack of a better word) it but I don't know how to do it. I know they will tell me it's severe emotional stress and grief. They will say, let it out, talk to anyone. Try to let go of some of it. I would do that except how do you just "let go" of something like this? How do you just one day wake up and say " My child died inside of me while my body and mind were supposed to be protecting him and today I am just going to forget about it and go on living like nothing happened?" I am sorry but no matter how many people in my life tell me that I need to just let it be, I will never just let it be. I can't. I understand many of you can and know how to let go of some of what has affected your life but I am very different than alot of you (as those of you who know me already know.) I can't let it go for one because I feel that, that child was inside of me his heart beating right under mine, his body in my care and protection but when its all said and done, I could not protect him, I could not save him. All I can do is pray that he knew nothing but the love I felt for him every second of everyday. And pray that he did not feel any pain whatsoever, it would kill me if I knew he had to suffer at all. I am hurting not only for my child but every time I see my family, I see pain and sorrow in their eyes and I know there is not one thing I can do for them, not one thing I can say to make it any better for them. I dread seeing them sometimes because that look in their eyes is almost unbearable. I feel that I have not only let the most important person in my life, Jay down in losing our son, but my mom and dad, Jay's mom and dad, my sister, brother and Jay's brother they do not have a grandchild and nephew because I didn't know he was dying right inside of me. Would I have been able to save him if I had seen just one sign? Maybe not, but maybe? Did I make a mistake in wanting to get pregnant again so soon? Am I putting this baby in jeopardy too? Maybe I should have waited at least a few more months to get through this anger part of grieving. But God has a plan and he knows what is best. He gave me this second chance for a reason. I seem to "get by" there for a little while I was having good days and bad, but once again just like at the beginning of this its back to just moments. I cant tell one moment from the next what its going to be like. A black hole or a little bit of sunlight. I have always been a very stubborn and independent person and now days I feel every time someone calls or comes over or even emails me this sense of claustrophobia, Jay and I spoke about this the other night too, and he made me realize because of being so independent and the need to figure things out on my own. I feel anyones opinion or help is threatening because I have this need to figure this out on my own. You may be thinking there is nothing to figure out what is done is done, but I am talking about myself, my emotions, my feelings, my pain. I guess that leads me back to the beginning where I asked should I seek help? I dont think even if I wanted to I could just for the simple fact that I have a need to fix myself on my own, I know me better than anyone. I dont want to be a medicated version of me I want to be me as I am now. Maybe that is nuts and maybe I really am slowly slipping away but its the truth and its how I feel. I just want to be...........