9 months....

Yesterday was a strange day, daddy and I just seemed very out of it and lost. I know it was a rough day for both of us. We miss you so much angel and wish that we could be together. One day we will but until that day comes, Jesus will take care of you. It all still feels so alien (its the only word I know that can describe it) like the world we now live in is not meant for us. Some days are better than others but some are far worse than anything we've experienced. We love you so much sweet baby. Jacen is getting bigger by the day it seems. I know you are taking very good care of him and we thank you very much for that. I only wish that we could see you both grow up together and play together and just be normal brothers. We miss you so much son and love you eternally. I know Shelby sure misses you but I know she sees you and plays with you often. This morning when I woke up I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed staring off at something above the closet I knew it was you, because she had that goofy " I see Big Boy" look on her face. :) I just layed there watching her because those visits are amazing and such a blessing. We love and miss you dearly sweet boy.

Love always,
Mommy

8 months....

Hello baby! Today it has been 8 months since I was able to hold you and see you. I miss you so much! I was so blessed to be given 8 beautiful months with you, you growing perfectly inside me, your heart beating right under mine, depending on my every breath. Today feels a little strange--if that is the right word. Because it has been 8 months since you've been gone, the same amount of time I was allowed to be with you. I feel so blessed but yet so cheated at the same time, blessed because I am your mother- The mother of an Angel! How can I not say that I am not blessed? But at the same time I feel cheated because I dont get to see you and hold you and see how beautiful you are as an Angel. You are so amazing, son. Everyday you still amaze me and you are not even here in the flesh. I love you so very much, I just can not even imagine what life would have been like if I had not been given the opportunity to be your mother. I have learned so much from you. You are what keep me funtioning and going everyday, the reason I get out of bed and face each day, no matter how hard the day is. I know one day when I finally meet the end of life here on earth you will be waiting for me in Heaven and that day will be sweet and so great. You are my wings and daddy is my crutch and of course Jesus is my light. Without you 3 I dont know where I would be today. I just can not believe the 8 months (37 weeks) that I was pregnant with you went by so fast, and the 8 months that you have been gone seems to have gone by fast but so slow at the same time. Oh what I would give to just have one more moment with you. I love you my sweet son.

Love,
Mommy

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Angel...

Hello son, Mommy is missing you very much lately. I do always but seems lately I cant seem to concentrate on much of anything. We had 2 great appointments for your baby brother and he seems to be doing great and I am so very excited about meeting him and hopefully bringing him home in May. But I cant seem to get past this anxious feeling. I am wanting him home right now but I know that's not possible and I wouldn't want to bring him into this world right now anyways that would be crazy but I am so ready for May to get here sometimes I feel like I am going nuts. And I get frustrated because I can't have you and him here. I want so bad for him to be able to play with you here with me and daddy and us 4 to be together and so happy. I know you were meant to be in Heaven with Jesus because you were so perfect and this world was not ready for you. But sometimes its still so hard to just get up and continue moving forward. I do have to say that at first I was really skeptical about going back to work but it has helped so much just to take my mind off of what has happened for a little while. I really do not think that I would be where I am now if it hadn't have been for your daddy and going back to work. At work I dont have to think I have work to keep my mind on something else for a bit. But of course I always think of you and how life would be so different and how great it would be with you almost 8 months old and Jacen on his way, or would we have even been pregnant again so soon? Probably not but I dont like to think about the world without you and Jacen in it. But I guess I have to deal with what God has put before me and move forward without you, but with you in my heart and in spirit. I love you son, please watch over your little brother. I will never have to worry about you I can just love you with everything I have in me and remember you as you were and still are. I know it sounds silly but can you ask Jesus if I can keep Jacen, I would like to have one child at least that I can get a little upset for not taking out the trash or making a big mess. I know it couldnt be you now but I love Jacen the same as I love you and need one little one to help ease some of this pain....if there is even such a thing. Its very complicated but I guess in time we might understand. I love you son. Oh I also wanted to show you this picture of Shelby. Daddy and I thought she was trying to say Merry Christmas to you. Stay close beside us sweet boy.

Christmas Poem..

I'M SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS THIS YEAR

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..
The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..
For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..
I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?
I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..
So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

Lyrics for "Held" by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It’s unfair.

Chorus: This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it,
let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lillys of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge: If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Lyrics for "I will Love You"

Till my body is dust
Till my soul is no more
I will love you Love you
Till the sun starts to cry
And the moon turns to rust
I will love you Love you
But I need to know
Will you stay for all time
Forever and a day?
And I'll give my heart
Till the end of our time
Forever and a day
And I need to know
Will you stay for all time
Forever and a day?
And I'll give my heart
Till the end of our time
Forever and a day
Till the stars fill my eyes
And we touch the last time
I will love you
Love you
I will love you
Love you
I will love you
Love you

Merry Christmas...

Merry Christmas my sweet angel. We miss you so very much. I can only imagine what Christmas must be like in Heaven. We brought your wreath out to you and all the angel babies at the cemetery today and it looks great. Your tree still looks great. I hope you are having a wonderful time up there in Heaven where you get to be with Jesus and hear the beautiful Christmas story straight from Him. We love and miss you so very much baby. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you and how lucky we are to have been able to keep you for the beautiful 8 months we were given. They were the best 8 months of my life and I will never forget your every move, or punch or kick or your sweet beautiful face when you were brought to me that night. I love you son and I will see you again soon. Have a wonderful Christmas up there with Jesus and tell mommy's grandma and grandpa that she loves and misses them. Love you son.

Love
Mommy

Here....

Dear Lord,
I need you so bad right now. I am scared, I'm lost, and feel so very alone. Thank you for my wonderful husband, I wouldn't make it with out him by my side. Thank you for the opportunity to once again try to have a child, thank you for bringing my sweet son who is now an angel into my life. He has changed me in so many ways, his life in showing me pure happiness and true love and his death for learning and finding myself and finding a never ending love for him and his father, and as crazy as it might sound finding my faith and love for You. You know as well as anyone there was a point when I was angry and couldnt find my footing but you lifted me right back up. But I'm still struggling with this deep pain and emptiness that will never subside. I am having such a hard time understanding what goes on in my life and I know that you dont give reasons for what happens in our lives and we are to trust in you and know that what your plan is, is the right and best thing. But help me just to understand and give me patience with people. I dont care very much about anything anymore. Its hard just to find the will to get out of bed in the morning because its like what is the need to continue on? Why must I try? Jacen will never know his brother and that really saddens me. Will you allow him to stay close to us? Will you stay close to us? We need your strength and to feel your love. I NEED YOU! I need your guidance. Please Lord I am begging you, the only thing I want in life is for Jacen to make it to me safe and healthy and alive, if this is the only child I can ever have again that is ok with me just please please bring him to me and Jay. Please give my precious son a kiss for me and let him know that his mommy and daddy love him so much.

In your precious name, Amen.

7 months...

Hello sweet angel of mine. I miss you so much. I feel alone in this huge world the only one I have is your daddy, who understands every part of me and what I feel and understands what I am going through right now. I just dont know anymore. I love you my sweet son with everything I have in me. I can not even imagine what life would be like if we had not even been given the chance to have you and know you or love you. We know what life is like without you and can only dream of what life will be like when we get to be with you again. You know I think of you and will never forget you even though many people tend to think that we have gotten over you or have forgotten you, you know that is not true, you are with me and daddy constantly. We can feel you here, watching over daddy and me, and that is the greatest gift God can give us right now, is the ability to feel your presence and love with us. *Thank you Lord for that blessing* Sweet son there is so much I want to say, so much I am feeling with you being gone from me and daddy and your little brother coming soon there is just so much to say. But words are failing me right now. I have not posted your pictures yet but I will get them up here as soon as I can. I love you my dear son and will see you soon.

Love mommy and daddy

Christmas Tree...

Hello sweet boy, we put up your tree today and it looks beautiful!! I am amazed at how great it turned out. Even Shelby got to pick out an orimant that she wanted to have on there for you. I hope you enjoy it son. We love yo always and miss you so much.

Love always,

Mommy and Daddy

6 month balloons...

Here they are baby boy, sorry it took
me so long to get them put up here.
I love you my sweet baby and we miss
you so much. We are going to be out
this weekend putting up your Christmas
tree. We had thanksgiving this past thursday
and it was a rough day but we made it.
It seems like just when we feel that we
are falling into a "new normal" something
makes us fall right back down, but it always
seems that you lift us right back up. Since you
went to be with Jesus we see things we could
not see before. You go with us where ever we go.
It makes me smile to know that you are with us.
I love you my dear son. Please continue looking out
for you brother, not that I have to ask I know you will.
We think about you always.

Love
Mommy

nightmares....

Hello sweet angel, I'm sorry I have not written to you in awhile. Know that I think about you everyday. Me and daddy came to visit you last saturday it was very peaceful just to sit and talk with you. I know you have changed my life so much and in so many ways. I feel that I have finally accepted that you had to go and be with Jesus and I am so happy for you, I will be there one day with you. Mommy loves you and will always love you. I will never forget you. Seems that every time we have an appointment coming up I always have nightmares the few nights before, sometimes they seem to take me over and I can not help but run to the doctors office to make sure your little brother is alright. They are so scary and hard to just pass off as "mommy is worried and scared" sometimes they feel so real, I wake up sometimes on the verge of screaming and wanting to run away. But when I look at your picture it always comforts me back to a peaceful sleep. I havent sent you any balloons yet but I am on saturday, so be ready for them. Sorry my thoughts seem so random, I just write whatever comes to mind. I love you my precious son.

Love,
Mommy

In Memory of baby Jay, made by uncle Terry

I'll Hold You in Heaven

I'll Hold You in Heaven

From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain.
I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.
I'll hold you in heaven someday,
When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;
I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

Hello Son...

Hello sweet boy. I'm sorry I did not post anything to you on your 5 month angelversary, but I did go out to visit you and a dear friend of mine wanted to come visit you too so she was there along with her son. It was very special knowing that others want to come to visit you too and I am glad. I hope you got all of your balloons, I forgot the camera so I didnt get pictures but it was very sweet. We all let go of balloons for you and it was very nice. Bry even talked to you for a little bit it was very sweet. It just amazes me the innocence of a child, he spoke to you as if you were his best friend and he had know you forever. I was truely touched. It absolutely lifted my heart. I love you my sweet baby. There is no one else like you my son, you touched this world and many people and you never spoke a word or even drew one breath of earths air. You truly amaze me. Some days its like a river one minute I feel as if I am completely content and feel as if I CAN continue living but some days I feel like I am on those rapid waters and am angry and frusterated and just dont understand. You keep me going, just by knowing that I will get to see you and hold you again always keeps me going. When I am down all I have to do is picture your beautiful face and remember I will hold you again and I feel alright. When our time on earth is done I will meet you at the gates of Heaven, me and daddy will meet you there and it will be the sweetest day because once again our little family will be complete. Please watch over your little brother or sister and keep them safe. We love you so much peanut and miss you everyday. Until that sweet day we meet again. I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Getting by...

I must warn you before hand, this post may seem very dark and unlike me (if you know me) but I cant keep this inside any longer or I am just going to lose it! Please understand that nothing in this post is meant to hurt anyone or call you out. I am trying the only way I know how to get through this. I am sorry in advance.

I don't know really where to begin, all my thoughts run together anymore. I feel so out of place and so detached from the world as you know it. I just simply hurt, my body hurts my head hurts (I think from thinking way too much) and my heart literally aches constantly. None of this like you may be thinking, oh you just have a headache or you might be coming down with something. No, it's emotional grief. Most days anymore I think, for the safety of my unborn child should I seek help but always talk myself out of it. I always think I know what the issue is and I know what needs to be done to "correct"(for lack of a better word) it but I don't know how to do it. I know they will tell me it's severe emotional stress and grief. They will say, let it out, talk to anyone. Try to let go of some of it. I would do that except how do you just "let go" of something like this? How do you just one day wake up and say " My child died inside of me while my body and mind were supposed to be protecting him and today I am just going to forget about it and go on living like nothing happened?" I am sorry but no matter how many people in my life tell me that I need to just let it be, I will never just let it be. I can't. I understand many of you can and know how to let go of some of what has affected your life but I am very different than alot of you (as those of you who know me already know.) I can't let it go for one because I feel that, that child was inside of me his heart beating right under mine, his body in my care and protection but when its all said and done, I could not protect him, I could not save him. All I can do is pray that he knew nothing but the love I felt for him every second of everyday. And pray that he did not feel any pain whatsoever, it would kill me if I knew he had to suffer at all. I am hurting not only for my child but every time I see my family, I see pain and sorrow in their eyes and I know there is not one thing I can do for them, not one thing I can say to make it any better for them. I dread seeing them sometimes because that look in their eyes is almost unbearable. I feel that I have not only let the most important person in my life, Jay down in losing our son, but my mom and dad, Jay's mom and dad, my sister, brother and Jay's brother they do not have a grandchild and nephew because I didn't know he was dying right inside of me. Would I have been able to save him if I had seen just one sign? Maybe not, but maybe? Did I make a mistake in wanting to get pregnant again so soon? Am I putting this baby in jeopardy too? Maybe I should have waited at least a few more months to get through this anger part of grieving. But God has a plan and he knows what is best. He gave me this second chance for a reason. I seem to "get by" there for a little while I was having good days and bad, but once again just like at the beginning of this its back to just moments. I cant tell one moment from the next what its going to be like. A black hole or a little bit of sunlight. I have always been a very stubborn and independent person and now days I feel every time someone calls or comes over or even emails me this sense of claustrophobia, Jay and I spoke about this the other night too, and he made me realize because of being so independent and the need to figure things out on my own. I feel anyones opinion or help is threatening because I have this need to figure this out on my own. You may be thinking there is nothing to figure out what is done is done, but I am talking about myself, my emotions, my feelings, my pain. I guess that leads me back to the beginning where I asked should I seek help? I dont think even if I wanted to I could just for the simple fact that I have a need to fix myself on my own, I know me better than anyone. I dont want to be a medicated version of me I want to be me as I am now. Maybe that is nuts and maybe I really am slowly slipping away but its the truth and its how I feel. I just want to be...........

Pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism. Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

Just thoughts....

Hello sweet baby. Mommy is missing you so much! I wish I could be with you, hold you again kiss your sweet face one more time. In time I know, I just have to be patient. Why did you have to go? I just dont understand, what did I do that made God take you away? I thought I was doing everything right, but I guess I wasnt, somewhere I did something wrong. Did I make God mad at me? I am at that anger stage in this grieving, just out of nowhere sometimes I get so angry I feel like just beating something, anything! I want my baby here with me! Everything anyone says to me makes me upset a lot of the times. Even if I know what they mean, its like my brain is telling me something that isnt right. It always feels like everyone is out to hurt me even more. I know in reality they arent but I guess the anger clouds your judgement sometimes. It always seems like everyone only thinks about their pain and oh how much they hurt, yes I know they do hurt but I feel that no one thinks I know all too well what its like, mine and daddy's pain are 100 times worse than anyones. My head is a mess, between trying to process others feeling and trying my best to keep myself together and this new baby thats coming I feel as if im just mush. I dont know how to manage, I dont know how to take things, I dont know what to feel, I dont know what to do, I dont know how I am supposed to react to people. I just dont know. Everyone says that they are so proud of me and think I am dealing well, but I think you are wrong, you can not see the inside. I may smile on the outside and laugh but thats because I have to. I have to smile and talk to people still otherwise they are uncomfortable with me-- most are uncomfortable around me now either way. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to just pick up and start new as if nothing ever happend? Im not, I have to just try to "deal" with the new normal. Everyone is so quick to get snappy when they hear something they dont like too, and I am getting to a point where I just dont care anymore, If I hurt your feelings well I dont feel you should be the one to say well its because you are going through a rough time because you know what your "rough" time is a cake walk in comparison. I am not saying your pain doesnt matter because it does, we were all affected and will forever be changed. I am saying before everyone starts getting snippy with me they need to understand it wasnt them that actually has to live this horrible nightmare, yes you are affected by it but you dont live it everyday over and over and every moment of that night is replayed over in your head. You dont have to think about the should of's and would of's and the what if's. Well I wasnt meaning to make this post about me, I wanted to tell my son about his garden, so I will give up for now. We finished your garden this weekend. It looks beautiful. Grandpa and Grandma O made a windchime and stepping stone for you, they look amazing. I will post some pictures for you. I love you my precious boy. I miss you every moment of everyday.

New cousin...

Hello sweet angel baby, I miss you so much. I wanted to share the good news with you. Your cousin Ethan was born today! He weighed in at 7 pounds 4 ounces. I know you were looking after him as he took his journey into this world and will continue to look after him. We love you so much sweet boy. I wish you were here, I am really missing you these days. I love you my precious son.

Love,
Mommy

4 months...

Hello my sweet baby, its been 4 months since you've been gone and we miss you like crazy. We dream of the day that we will be able to hold you again. We miss you so much. I still can not believe you are gone. Life seems so unreal and not what it used to be. It never will be the way it used to be ever again. I would not change my life at all. We can not look at everything as bad, yes we dont have you in our arms but we have you and thats what matters. I tell everyone I know I would not wish that this never happened because even though I met you this way, I was blessed to be able to meet you at all. Yes I would love to be able to hold you again even if for just a moment. You are my son and I am happy and blessed that you are. You are my everything. I wanted to share these pictures, the first is your little footprints. The second is a blanket I made for you, it looks a little rough because mommy isnt good at sewing and its not quite finished yet. I still have to put the picture transfers on and I need to fix the corners (they look bad) I hope you like it. I love you my sweet peanut. I will be sending you some balloons later and I'll post those pictures as well. Me and daddy are going to clean up your garden and put your bench together next weekend, I will put those pictures up here too for you to see. I love you baby boy.

Love
Mommy

I just don't understand....

There is one thing I don't think I will ever understand. Why do bad things always seem to happen to good people?? I talk to mommies all the time on a message board that I am always at and at least half of them have had 2 or more stillborn babies or miscarriages. Why does anyone have to go through this horrible pain?? I just dont understand!!! Why does God allow this to happen? Of course these are questions we will never get the answer to but I just cant help it. I know God never wants this to happen but I mean really He created this world and made beautiful mountains out of nothing!! Can He not say, "sweet child you need to stay with your mommies and daddies for awhile longer" Please Lord I know you know what I am thinking and saying, I just dont understand. We need your guidance and understanding. I pray so hard for all the mommies who have lost children, no one deserves this. No one! It makes me angry sometimes when I think about how hard and how bad some of these mommies just want to have living babies in their arms and hurt so bad and they may never get that chance. They try and try and keep getting shot down. WHY?? They dont deserve this.

You know who you are, if you are reading this know that I am praying for you and you will get your sweet baby one day. Dont give up!! Never give up. We all love and care about you, we are here if you need us.

Sums it all up....

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes. Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

Hello angel baby...

hello my sweet angel boy. Im sorry I haven't written to you in awhile. How are you doing up there in Heaven? Has your great grandpa and grandma told you any silly stories about your mommy? I know they have many to tell. Your cousin Ethan will be on his way to coming into the world in a couple weeks. We are excited about him coming. I am sorry he wont get the chance to meet you. But he will know you and know how wonderful you were and still are. He will be proud to be your cousin. We all love and miss you so very much baby boy. I came to visit you yesterday, its always so peaceful sitting there beside you just talking and singing. Listening to the birds chirping and feeling you beside me. I love it there. Its always so hard to leave. As you already know cause I am sure you had a little something to do with it, your daddy and I are expecting your baby brother or sister. We are excited but we are so scared too. But we know you and Jesus are with us and we will be ok. We will always be ok with you and Jesus beside us. I love you precious baby and I miss you always, I think about you everyday. Daddy loves and misses you very much too. Oh i forgot, Daddy got his tattoo this past weekend, it looks great! Its your beautiful face. We both love it, we get to see you everyday. He said it hurt a little bit, I think he was just being a silly. :) Ok sweetheart, I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Catching up

Well I have been a bit behind on posting, so heres to catch up. A few weeks ago I decided I would try to see if the funeral home might by chance still have the clothes and blanket that they picked up the baby in from the hospital and of course they do keep those items, but only for 60 days and by time I even thought about it, it was too late. They had already thrown them out. I wasnt upset but a little bummed considering I never even thought to ask for them after the funeral or before. How do you think about something like that when all you can think about is having to bury your baby? I couldnt understand why they dont at least let you know that they will keep these items for you in case you would like to have them. I didnt even know that they kept them until I called of course too late. Then I also wanted to see if the hospital might happen to have any pictures of him without his hat on, the wonderful nurses at the hospital that night were thoughtful enough to take pictures for us but unfortunately they all have his hat on. Of course being in the state that we were in that night, we didnt think that we might want to see him without his hat or look him over because that would be our only chance to do so. So I called up there and one sweet and wonderful nurse told me that they actually have a perfessional photographer that comes in and takes a couple pictures of babies after they are born. Well I was so excited to finally be able to see my son without his hat on, only once again to be brought down. Come to find out the nurse had to call this photographer to find out where our pictures were and she tells the nurse "oh the 3 pictures we took they are all black and you cant even see the baby, and theres one that you can just barely see the top of his hat." the nurse asked her why she didnt bother to call them or anything so that they could let us know. Her response was "well most people dont even want these pictures anyways so I didnt think it was a big deal" OMG talk about I was furious!!! How can you even say that?? I bet you that if you talked to any mother and father who had just lost their babies if they would want pictures of their child, I bet you they would say I would pay anything to have them! I had no idea that they even had someone come in and take pictures, thats why no one ever gets them IS BECAUSE THEY DONT KNOW THEY ARE THERE!!!!! And why the hell would you only take 3 pictures??? What are you a moron? Seriously, a baby has just died and the mother and father are never going to have another chance to take pictures of their child or make memories of them, so lets see, im only going to take 3 pictures of their child for them so that if all of them are screwed up they wont have any at all. OH WELL NOT MY PROBLEM!! She may not have said that but thats exactly what it feels like. You may say well she doesnt have to take these pictures at all and you are right she doesnt. But if that was me, I would say you know what this is the last chance these parents are going to get to see their precious baby how bout we give them pictures that they will remember and be able to have forever. And lets take more than 3 so that if any of them happen to get messed up there will be others that they will have!