1 Year Birthday Pictures...

1 Year birthday....

Well here we are at your 1 year birthday. I can not believe it has already been a year. Seems like such a long time ago since I got to hold you, but seems like only yesterday since we were struck with that horrible news. Im sorry I didnt write to you Friday but we had your birthday memorial party. I know you were there with us celebrating your birthday. I loved how you kept trying to take your pooh balloon! Shelby even came with us, she was trying to get the balloons we sent up to you! She is such a silly dog. I miss you so much baby some days I dont know what to do. Thankfully Jacen is here to keep me grounded and remind me that there is still something good in this world. Him and Shelby are one way I can always tell when you are around. Happy birthday son! I can only imagine what it must have been like when the Angels sang happy birthday to you. I bet it was the most beautiful thing anyone could ever hear. We love you so very much baby and we miss you every moment of the day. I hope you had a wonderful birthday. Lots of hugs and kisses!

Love you!
Mommy and daddy

Your baby brother.......

Hello sweet angel. I'm sorry I havent written to you in awhile, but your baby brother is here now. I know you already knew that because you were with us the day that he was born. It was a scary day, but with you and God by his side he made it and is here with us. We miss you so very much. I wish you could be here with us playing with your little brother. But I know you are watching over him every day. Thank you for watching over him during his time with me and the day that he was born. You are my angel. We love you son. Here are some pictures of him for you. Love you so much baby.

Love

Mommy

Saying hello....

Hello sweet angel, I really don't know what to say. Tomorrow will be 11 months since you have been gone and I don't know what to do or say. It is so hard for me to believe that it has been 11 months already! Seems like just yesterday I was taking the pregnancy test that made me love you from that moment on. Its amazing how one little test like that can change your whole life in a split second and then how it can all be taken away with no notice or warning whatsoever. Today I am 37 weeks pregnant with your little brother and surprisingly I am very calm. Is that you near me, telling me that its OK? Of course it is. I miss you son so very much and wish you were here getting ready for the arrival of your brother. But I know you are watching over him and are near me every second of the day, helping me through. It just doesn't seem fair at all that you aren't here to celebrate Jacen's birth with us. It makes my heart ache and brings tears to my eyes. A mother or father should never have to endure this kind of torture or pain.
We love you dear son and miss you greatly. Stay near precious.

Love you always,
Mommy

"I would rather have had one breath of his hair..
one kiss of his mouth..
one touch of his hand..
than an eternity
without it.."

Hello baby boy...

Hello son, I miss you! Here lately I have felt that you are closer than ever and I love that. As I am sitting here writing to you I can hear your wind chime right outside the window. It sings to me the sweet melody of you playing in your garden, right here beside me. I love feeling you near me. It always makes me feel safe and warm. I do wish more than ever that I could hold you and kiss you again, but I am happy with just knowing you are staying close. Your brother's arrival is getting near and I am getting very anxious and scared. I am so ready for him to be here and so scared that something might happen to him too, sometimes it is too much to handle. But I am hanging in there. I love you baby boy. Keep watching after your little brother and stay near us. We love you and miss you sweet angel boy. In my heart always.

Love,
Mommy

10 months...

Hello baby boy, I am sorry I havent been writing to you very often. But you know I think of you every moment of everyday. I miss you so very much and wish you could be here with me. I know you are here with me and Daddy always but I wish we could hold you and see you. Your little brother is getting so big, he weighs 3lbs 11oz as of last week. We are expecting him in 6 and a half more weeks. Its coming fast but not fast enough. I can not believe its been 10 months since I held you and kissed your beautiful face. Oh how I miss that sweet innocent face, and what I would give to be able to see it again. I love you my precious son. I came to visit you a few weeks ago, it was nice just to sit and talk with you. Your little plant that Mary brought you is getting big and has nice pretty yellow flowers on it. Its so unfair that in a few short weeks your brother will be here and you wont be here to see him and play with him. (I am trying to stay positive that he will be joining us.) He will know you though, daddy and I will make sure of that. You will never be forgotten. Every year we plan on doing a something special for you on your birthday. This year I am not sure yet what we are going to be doing. I want to come visit you and bring some of the same flowers we had for your funeral and have balloons and maybe bubbles and bring you gifts. I am thinking of making a cake or buying one that has Nemo or something I think you would be into right now. If you can somehow tell me what you would like i'll get it for you. I still want to have little birthdays for you because you deserve them just as much as anyone else. You are still very much a part of our lives even though your home is in Heaven, we want you to know we are celebrating your life here on earth too. We know the birthday party you have in Heaven will be grand and we can not imagine it but we will be celebrating with you here. We love and miss you sweet boy and wish everyday that you could be here to comfort us and be with us, but we know your purpose was to be in Heaven doing what God needed you to do. Say hello to everyone there for us. We love and miss you so very much son and send you love and hugs everyday. Please stay close to your little brother, he is coming soon. We need you by our sides to get us through, to comfort us and calm our nerves. I love you baby boy. Hugs and kisses.

Love,
Mommy

9 months....

Yesterday was a strange day, daddy and I just seemed very out of it and lost. I know it was a rough day for both of us. We miss you so much angel and wish that we could be together. One day we will but until that day comes, Jesus will take care of you. It all still feels so alien (its the only word I know that can describe it) like the world we now live in is not meant for us. Some days are better than others but some are far worse than anything we've experienced. We love you so much sweet baby. Jacen is getting bigger by the day it seems. I know you are taking very good care of him and we thank you very much for that. I only wish that we could see you both grow up together and play together and just be normal brothers. We miss you so much son and love you eternally. I know Shelby sure misses you but I know she sees you and plays with you often. This morning when I woke up I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed staring off at something above the closet I knew it was you, because she had that goofy " I see Big Boy" look on her face. :) I just layed there watching her because those visits are amazing and such a blessing. We love and miss you dearly sweet boy.

Love always,
Mommy

8 months....

Hello baby! Today it has been 8 months since I was able to hold you and see you. I miss you so much! I was so blessed to be given 8 beautiful months with you, you growing perfectly inside me, your heart beating right under mine, depending on my every breath. Today feels a little strange--if that is the right word. Because it has been 8 months since you've been gone, the same amount of time I was allowed to be with you. I feel so blessed but yet so cheated at the same time, blessed because I am your mother- The mother of an Angel! How can I not say that I am not blessed? But at the same time I feel cheated because I dont get to see you and hold you and see how beautiful you are as an Angel. You are so amazing, son. Everyday you still amaze me and you are not even here in the flesh. I love you so very much, I just can not even imagine what life would have been like if I had not been given the opportunity to be your mother. I have learned so much from you. You are what keep me funtioning and going everyday, the reason I get out of bed and face each day, no matter how hard the day is. I know one day when I finally meet the end of life here on earth you will be waiting for me in Heaven and that day will be sweet and so great. You are my wings and daddy is my crutch and of course Jesus is my light. Without you 3 I dont know where I would be today. I just can not believe the 8 months (37 weeks) that I was pregnant with you went by so fast, and the 8 months that you have been gone seems to have gone by fast but so slow at the same time. Oh what I would give to just have one more moment with you. I love you my sweet son.

Love,
Mommy

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Angel...

Hello son, Mommy is missing you very much lately. I do always but seems lately I cant seem to concentrate on much of anything. We had 2 great appointments for your baby brother and he seems to be doing great and I am so very excited about meeting him and hopefully bringing him home in May. But I cant seem to get past this anxious feeling. I am wanting him home right now but I know that's not possible and I wouldn't want to bring him into this world right now anyways that would be crazy but I am so ready for May to get here sometimes I feel like I am going nuts. And I get frustrated because I can't have you and him here. I want so bad for him to be able to play with you here with me and daddy and us 4 to be together and so happy. I know you were meant to be in Heaven with Jesus because you were so perfect and this world was not ready for you. But sometimes its still so hard to just get up and continue moving forward. I do have to say that at first I was really skeptical about going back to work but it has helped so much just to take my mind off of what has happened for a little while. I really do not think that I would be where I am now if it hadn't have been for your daddy and going back to work. At work I dont have to think I have work to keep my mind on something else for a bit. But of course I always think of you and how life would be so different and how great it would be with you almost 8 months old and Jacen on his way, or would we have even been pregnant again so soon? Probably not but I dont like to think about the world without you and Jacen in it. But I guess I have to deal with what God has put before me and move forward without you, but with you in my heart and in spirit. I love you son, please watch over your little brother. I will never have to worry about you I can just love you with everything I have in me and remember you as you were and still are. I know it sounds silly but can you ask Jesus if I can keep Jacen, I would like to have one child at least that I can get a little upset for not taking out the trash or making a big mess. I know it couldnt be you now but I love Jacen the same as I love you and need one little one to help ease some of this pain....if there is even such a thing. Its very complicated but I guess in time we might understand. I love you son. Oh I also wanted to show you this picture of Shelby. Daddy and I thought she was trying to say Merry Christmas to you. Stay close beside us sweet boy.

Christmas Poem..

I'M SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS THIS YEAR

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..
The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..
For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..
I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?
I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..
So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

Lyrics for "Held" by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It’s unfair.

Chorus: This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it,
let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lillys of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge: If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Lyrics for "I will Love You"

Till my body is dust
Till my soul is no more
I will love you Love you
Till the sun starts to cry
And the moon turns to rust
I will love you Love you
But I need to know
Will you stay for all time
Forever and a day?
And I'll give my heart
Till the end of our time
Forever and a day
And I need to know
Will you stay for all time
Forever and a day?
And I'll give my heart
Till the end of our time
Forever and a day
Till the stars fill my eyes
And we touch the last time
I will love you
Love you
I will love you
Love you
I will love you
Love you

Merry Christmas...

Merry Christmas my sweet angel. We miss you so very much. I can only imagine what Christmas must be like in Heaven. We brought your wreath out to you and all the angel babies at the cemetery today and it looks great. Your tree still looks great. I hope you are having a wonderful time up there in Heaven where you get to be with Jesus and hear the beautiful Christmas story straight from Him. We love and miss you so very much baby. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you and how lucky we are to have been able to keep you for the beautiful 8 months we were given. They were the best 8 months of my life and I will never forget your every move, or punch or kick or your sweet beautiful face when you were brought to me that night. I love you son and I will see you again soon. Have a wonderful Christmas up there with Jesus and tell mommy's grandma and grandpa that she loves and misses them. Love you son.

Love
Mommy

Here....

Dear Lord,
I need you so bad right now. I am scared, I'm lost, and feel so very alone. Thank you for my wonderful husband, I wouldn't make it with out him by my side. Thank you for the opportunity to once again try to have a child, thank you for bringing my sweet son who is now an angel into my life. He has changed me in so many ways, his life in showing me pure happiness and true love and his death for learning and finding myself and finding a never ending love for him and his father, and as crazy as it might sound finding my faith and love for You. You know as well as anyone there was a point when I was angry and couldnt find my footing but you lifted me right back up. But I'm still struggling with this deep pain and emptiness that will never subside. I am having such a hard time understanding what goes on in my life and I know that you dont give reasons for what happens in our lives and we are to trust in you and know that what your plan is, is the right and best thing. But help me just to understand and give me patience with people. I dont care very much about anything anymore. Its hard just to find the will to get out of bed in the morning because its like what is the need to continue on? Why must I try? Jacen will never know his brother and that really saddens me. Will you allow him to stay close to us? Will you stay close to us? We need your strength and to feel your love. I NEED YOU! I need your guidance. Please Lord I am begging you, the only thing I want in life is for Jacen to make it to me safe and healthy and alive, if this is the only child I can ever have again that is ok with me just please please bring him to me and Jay. Please give my precious son a kiss for me and let him know that his mommy and daddy love him so much.

In your precious name, Amen.

7 months...

Hello sweet angel of mine. I miss you so much. I feel alone in this huge world the only one I have is your daddy, who understands every part of me and what I feel and understands what I am going through right now. I just dont know anymore. I love you my sweet son with everything I have in me. I can not even imagine what life would be like if we had not even been given the chance to have you and know you or love you. We know what life is like without you and can only dream of what life will be like when we get to be with you again. You know I think of you and will never forget you even though many people tend to think that we have gotten over you or have forgotten you, you know that is not true, you are with me and daddy constantly. We can feel you here, watching over daddy and me, and that is the greatest gift God can give us right now, is the ability to feel your presence and love with us. *Thank you Lord for that blessing* Sweet son there is so much I want to say, so much I am feeling with you being gone from me and daddy and your little brother coming soon there is just so much to say. But words are failing me right now. I have not posted your pictures yet but I will get them up here as soon as I can. I love you my dear son and will see you soon.

Love mommy and daddy

Christmas Tree...

Hello sweet boy, we put up your tree today and it looks beautiful!! I am amazed at how great it turned out. Even Shelby got to pick out an orimant that she wanted to have on there for you. I hope you enjoy it son. We love yo always and miss you so much.

Love always,

Mommy and Daddy

6 month balloons...

Here they are baby boy, sorry it took
me so long to get them put up here.
I love you my sweet baby and we miss
you so much. We are going to be out
this weekend putting up your Christmas
tree. We had thanksgiving this past thursday
and it was a rough day but we made it.
It seems like just when we feel that we
are falling into a "new normal" something
makes us fall right back down, but it always
seems that you lift us right back up. Since you
went to be with Jesus we see things we could
not see before. You go with us where ever we go.
It makes me smile to know that you are with us.
I love you my dear son. Please continue looking out
for you brother, not that I have to ask I know you will.
We think about you always.

Love
Mommy

nightmares....

Hello sweet angel, I'm sorry I have not written to you in awhile. Know that I think about you everyday. Me and daddy came to visit you last saturday it was very peaceful just to sit and talk with you. I know you have changed my life so much and in so many ways. I feel that I have finally accepted that you had to go and be with Jesus and I am so happy for you, I will be there one day with you. Mommy loves you and will always love you. I will never forget you. Seems that every time we have an appointment coming up I always have nightmares the few nights before, sometimes they seem to take me over and I can not help but run to the doctors office to make sure your little brother is alright. They are so scary and hard to just pass off as "mommy is worried and scared" sometimes they feel so real, I wake up sometimes on the verge of screaming and wanting to run away. But when I look at your picture it always comforts me back to a peaceful sleep. I havent sent you any balloons yet but I am on saturday, so be ready for them. Sorry my thoughts seem so random, I just write whatever comes to mind. I love you my precious son.

Love,
Mommy

In Memory of baby Jay, made by uncle Terry

I'll Hold You in Heaven

I'll Hold You in Heaven

From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain.
I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.
I'll hold you in heaven someday,
When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;
I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

Hello Son...

Hello sweet boy. I'm sorry I did not post anything to you on your 5 month angelversary, but I did go out to visit you and a dear friend of mine wanted to come visit you too so she was there along with her son. It was very special knowing that others want to come to visit you too and I am glad. I hope you got all of your balloons, I forgot the camera so I didnt get pictures but it was very sweet. We all let go of balloons for you and it was very nice. Bry even talked to you for a little bit it was very sweet. It just amazes me the innocence of a child, he spoke to you as if you were his best friend and he had know you forever. I was truely touched. It absolutely lifted my heart. I love you my sweet baby. There is no one else like you my son, you touched this world and many people and you never spoke a word or even drew one breath of earths air. You truly amaze me. Some days its like a river one minute I feel as if I am completely content and feel as if I CAN continue living but some days I feel like I am on those rapid waters and am angry and frusterated and just dont understand. You keep me going, just by knowing that I will get to see you and hold you again always keeps me going. When I am down all I have to do is picture your beautiful face and remember I will hold you again and I feel alright. When our time on earth is done I will meet you at the gates of Heaven, me and daddy will meet you there and it will be the sweetest day because once again our little family will be complete. Please watch over your little brother or sister and keep them safe. We love you so much peanut and miss you everyday. Until that sweet day we meet again. I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Getting by...

I must warn you before hand, this post may seem very dark and unlike me (if you know me) but I cant keep this inside any longer or I am just going to lose it! Please understand that nothing in this post is meant to hurt anyone or call you out. I am trying the only way I know how to get through this. I am sorry in advance.

I don't know really where to begin, all my thoughts run together anymore. I feel so out of place and so detached from the world as you know it. I just simply hurt, my body hurts my head hurts (I think from thinking way too much) and my heart literally aches constantly. None of this like you may be thinking, oh you just have a headache or you might be coming down with something. No, it's emotional grief. Most days anymore I think, for the safety of my unborn child should I seek help but always talk myself out of it. I always think I know what the issue is and I know what needs to be done to "correct"(for lack of a better word) it but I don't know how to do it. I know they will tell me it's severe emotional stress and grief. They will say, let it out, talk to anyone. Try to let go of some of it. I would do that except how do you just "let go" of something like this? How do you just one day wake up and say " My child died inside of me while my body and mind were supposed to be protecting him and today I am just going to forget about it and go on living like nothing happened?" I am sorry but no matter how many people in my life tell me that I need to just let it be, I will never just let it be. I can't. I understand many of you can and know how to let go of some of what has affected your life but I am very different than alot of you (as those of you who know me already know.) I can't let it go for one because I feel that, that child was inside of me his heart beating right under mine, his body in my care and protection but when its all said and done, I could not protect him, I could not save him. All I can do is pray that he knew nothing but the love I felt for him every second of everyday. And pray that he did not feel any pain whatsoever, it would kill me if I knew he had to suffer at all. I am hurting not only for my child but every time I see my family, I see pain and sorrow in their eyes and I know there is not one thing I can do for them, not one thing I can say to make it any better for them. I dread seeing them sometimes because that look in their eyes is almost unbearable. I feel that I have not only let the most important person in my life, Jay down in losing our son, but my mom and dad, Jay's mom and dad, my sister, brother and Jay's brother they do not have a grandchild and nephew because I didn't know he was dying right inside of me. Would I have been able to save him if I had seen just one sign? Maybe not, but maybe? Did I make a mistake in wanting to get pregnant again so soon? Am I putting this baby in jeopardy too? Maybe I should have waited at least a few more months to get through this anger part of grieving. But God has a plan and he knows what is best. He gave me this second chance for a reason. I seem to "get by" there for a little while I was having good days and bad, but once again just like at the beginning of this its back to just moments. I cant tell one moment from the next what its going to be like. A black hole or a little bit of sunlight. I have always been a very stubborn and independent person and now days I feel every time someone calls or comes over or even emails me this sense of claustrophobia, Jay and I spoke about this the other night too, and he made me realize because of being so independent and the need to figure things out on my own. I feel anyones opinion or help is threatening because I have this need to figure this out on my own. You may be thinking there is nothing to figure out what is done is done, but I am talking about myself, my emotions, my feelings, my pain. I guess that leads me back to the beginning where I asked should I seek help? I dont think even if I wanted to I could just for the simple fact that I have a need to fix myself on my own, I know me better than anyone. I dont want to be a medicated version of me I want to be me as I am now. Maybe that is nuts and maybe I really am slowly slipping away but its the truth and its how I feel. I just want to be...........

Pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism. Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.