Thank you Franchesca!

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I know I know its crazy, but I seriously think I have PMDD. Why you might ask? I've been trying to figure out for some time now what could be causing me all these problems such as

anger (not from grief either, just anger that comes out of no where. Well I guess it could be from grief.)
terrible mood swings and other things.

When Jacen was first born I thought well maybe its from just giving birth and having a baby at home and all of the "first" mommy experiences compounded with grief. But its been 14 months later and I still see no relief.

I also thought depression because of everything we have been though and that could still very well be the case, but on a typical day I feel "fine" but when it is coming close to that time of the month (TMI) is when all of this really hits me hard. I am a total mess and seems like every little thing sets me off. Here is some info I found about PMDD...

from Mary Gallenberg, M.D.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe, sometimes disabling form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Although regular PMS and PMDD both have physical and emotional symptoms, PMDD causes extreme mood shifts that can disrupt your work and damage your relationships. About 30 percent of menstruating women have PMS. Up to 8 percent of women with PMS have symptoms that meet the diagnostic criteria for PMDD.

In both PMDD and PMS, symptoms occur in the last week of the menstrual cycle and usually improve within a few days after menstruation begins. Both PMDD and PMS may also cause bloating, breast tenderness, fatigue, and changes in sleep and eating habits. In PMDD, however, the following emotional and behavioral symptoms stand out:

  • Anxiety
  • Feelings of being "keyed up" or "on edge"
  • Persistent irritability
  • Marked anger

The cause of PMDD isn't clear. Underlying depression and anxiety are common in both PMS and PMDD, so it's possible that the normal physical changes that trigger a menstrual period somehow exacerbate mood disorders.

Treatment of PMDD is directed at preventing or minimizing symptoms and may include:

  • Antidepressants. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as fluoxetine (Prozac, others) and sertraline (Zoloft, others), reduce symptoms such as fatigue, food cravings and sleep problems. You can control PMDD by taking SSRIs all month or only in the interval between ovulation and the start of your period.
  • Birth control pills. Taking birth control pills stops ovulation and stabilizes hormone fluctuations. Birth control pills containing drospirenone and packaged with a four-day placebo interval after 24 days of combination hormones may be more effective than are standard birth control pills.
  • Nutritional supplements. Consuming 1,000 milligrams of dietary and supplemental calcium daily may reduce the physical and emotional symptoms of PMDD. Vitamin B-6, magnesium and L-tryptophan also may help.
  • Herbal remedies. Clinical trials suggest that chasteberry may reduce irritability, mood swings, anger and headaches associated with PMDD.
  • Diet and lifestyle changes. Regular exercise often reduces premenstrual symptoms. Cutting back caffeine intake can alleviate anxiety and irritability. Also, eating more carbohydrates in the week before your period may improve mood and memory.

It's important that you review your symptoms with your doctor. A thorough medical evaluation can determine if symptoms are due to PMDD or some other condition. If you are diagnosed with PMDD, your doctor can recommend specific treatments to help minimize the impact PMDD has on the days you experience symptoms.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Hello baby...

Today I woke up and this song was stuck in my head..."So far away, doesnt anybody stay in one place anymore?" I cant remember the name of the song and who sings it. But I realized why it was stuck in my head, because today is your day. 25 months! It seems unreal.

How could this have happened? We wanted you and wanted to love you. We would have never done you harm. We would have protected you from everything even if it meant our lives. We still want you here with us and love you so much.

Some days I am just without words. I dont know what to think, I dont know how to feel, I dont know what to do.

I love you so much my baby boy.

I want to show you some pictures I found and just had to buy. They made me think of you! :)

Love you.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Doing what God called him to do....

I may get bits of this story wrong and I'm sorry but this is just too amazing to me not to share.

A woman that works with my mother in law has a daughter who was pregnant. Just last week she went into early labor due to some complications. The grandma left work to rush to the hospital to be with her daughter and the daughter's boyfriend. Due to the complications the doctors told the family that they had a major decision to make, either save the baby, save the mommy or "try" and save both. In the midst of making a decision (they had a couple hours it seemed) they all fell asleep.

The grandma is woken up by "someone" she says, and is told to check the baby's heartbeat. She looks at the heart rate monitor for the baby and just knows something is wrong. She calls for a nurse and tells her "something is wrong with the heartbeat, what is going on?" The nurse blows it off and tells her the baby is doing fine. Not satisfied with this answer the grandma demands the nurse get the doctor right away. The doctor comes in and the grandma tells him the same thing. The doctor checks it out and says "you are right we have at most 10 minutes to get this baby out!" They rush the mom to the OR and gets the baby in time.

Now I must tell you that my mother in law only knows this woman (grandma) in passing and has never spoken to her about my son (Baby Jay).

The grandma returns to work a few days later to tell my mother in law that "I remember Baby Jay, and not wanting to upset her says "Baby Jay or....ummm God came to me and woke me up and told me to check my granddaughter's heart beat." (Not exact words) This woman only knows that we lost our son by my father in law who used to be her boss. But he never has spoken that much about him only that he passed away, but not much else. She also did not know that we call him Baby Jay. But she kept saying, I remember Baby Jay. As if she was saying (but not wanting to upset) that he was there and she saw him and thats how she knew to check.

That baby and her mommy are doing great. They both went home yesterday and are in perfect health, when only a few days ago the doctors were saying they could only "guarantee" that they could save only one of them.

This I believe is one of those moments you would have had to been in to fully understand this story. As soon as I heard this I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God sent my son to that woman and helped save that baby girl.

God's plan for my sweet Jay is beyond anything I can imagine. But I know, WE all know that God is showing us that He did in fact need Baby Jay. Not that we ever doubted Him but when grieving you dont see clearly. And you began to beg to understand.

God has spoken....VOLUMES.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Memorial Site...

I created a memorial page for Jay if you would like to come check it out click here.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Thank you again Sandie!

Grief.....I hate you.

May, can you be completely over yet?

Since May began I have been having those oh so wonderful flashbacks of the night Jay died. Not just a "I remember that night vividly" type thing, oh no its the I smell all the same things I did that night, I hear all the same things I heard that night, I VIVIDLY remember the touch of a few things that night.

Its as if that night is happening all over again only thing is that night will never end for me. It isnt one of those I had the worst night of my life or a bad day, those you can go on the next day as if nothing happened. This night will follow me FOREVER. Those smells, sounds and everything else about that night will haunt me until I die.

I remember the clothes I wore when we got up out of bed to go to the hospital, I remember the smell of the car, I remember the phone conversation between me and my mom as I called her on my way there, I remember the smell of the ER as we entered, I remember the conversation between us and the attendant at the ER, I remember the L&D nurse that came and got us, I remember changing into the hospital gown, I remember the smell of the bathroom as I changed, I remember the sound of the heartbeat monitor, I remember the touch of the nurses hand on my wrist as she checked HIS heartbeat to my pulse, I remember walking to my birthing suit, I remember the feel and smell of that room, I remember the ticking of the clock as it ticked the moments I had left with Jay away, I remember the feel of the U/S wand on my belly as it revealed that Jay's heart was no longer beating, I remember the smell of Dr. M's cologne when he came in to tell us that Jay had died, I remember Dr. H touching my arm and hugging me the next morning, I remember few moments after they gave me whatever medicine that knocked me out, I remember the sudden emptiness and loneliness I felt the moment Jay's body entered this world, I remember the show that was on TV when he entered this world(we had it on for sound), I remember the smell of his body when they brought him to me, I remember the feel of his blankets, I remember his tiny beautiful face, I remember the smell of my body after Jay's body was taken from mine, I remember the shower after delivering him, I remember the sleepless night, I remember being wheeled down to the car when it was time to go home, I remember the smell of the house when we entered it, I remember the look on Shelby's (our black lab)face when we came in the door, I remember the smell of my shampoo, I remember the first time I walked into his room after we got home. Devastating.

Grief, I hate you. These moments will follow me until the day I die. The most horrible part of all of this is, I can only remember few things about Jay after he was born. I hate that. I hate that life has to be this way, that in our world sometimes our children don't out live their parents. That parents have to bury their babies. Its not fair at all.

I dont wish I could pretend his life didn't happen, who would I be if I did? But I wish that life didn't have to be this way.

All I can say is...Grief I hate you!

October 15th Video (Baby Jay is in this one)....


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