Thank you Franchesca!

Songs for peanut

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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Christmas Poem..


I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..
The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..
For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..
I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?
I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..
So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Lyrics for "Held" by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It’s unfair.

Chorus: This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it,
let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lillys of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge: If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Lyrics for "I will Love You"

Till my body is dust
Till my soul is no more
I will love you Love you
Till the sun starts to cry
And the moon turns to rust
I will love you Love you
But I need to know
Will you stay for all time
Forever and a day?
And I'll give my heart
Till the end of our time
Forever and a day
And I need to know
Will you stay for all time
Forever and a day?
And I'll give my heart
Till the end of our time
Forever and a day
Till the stars fill my eyes
And we touch the last time
I will love you
Love you
I will love you
Love you
I will love you
Love you

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas...

Merry Christmas my sweet angel. We miss you so very much. I can only imagine what Christmas must be like in Heaven. We brought your wreath out to you and all the angel babies at the cemetery today and it looks great. Your tree still looks great. I hope you are having a wonderful time up there in Heaven where you get to be with Jesus and hear the beautiful Christmas story straight from Him. We love and miss you so very much baby. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you and how lucky we are to have been able to keep you for the beautiful 8 months we were given. They were the best 8 months of my life and I will never forget your every move, or punch or kick or your sweet beautiful face when you were brought to me that night. I love you son and I will see you again soon. Have a wonderful Christmas up there with Jesus and tell mommy's grandma and grandpa that she loves and misses them. Love you son.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Dear Lord,
I need you so bad right now. I am scared, I'm lost, and feel so very alone. Thank you for my wonderful husband, I wouldn't make it with out him by my side. Thank you for the opportunity to once again try to have a child, thank you for bringing my sweet son who is now an angel into my life. He has changed me in so many ways, his life in showing me pure happiness and true love and his death for learning and finding myself and finding a never ending love for him and his father, and as crazy as it might sound finding my faith and love for You. You know as well as anyone there was a point when I was angry and couldnt find my footing but you lifted me right back up. But I'm still struggling with this deep pain and emptiness that will never subside. I am having such a hard time understanding what goes on in my life and I know that you dont give reasons for what happens in our lives and we are to trust in you and know that what your plan is, is the right and best thing. But help me just to understand and give me patience with people. I dont care very much about anything anymore. Its hard just to find the will to get out of bed in the morning because its like what is the need to continue on? Why must I try? Jacen will never know his brother and that really saddens me. Will you allow him to stay close to us? Will you stay close to us? We need your strength and to feel your love. I NEED YOU! I need your guidance. Please Lord I am begging you, the only thing I want in life is for Jacen to make it to me safe and healthy and alive, if this is the only child I can ever have again that is ok with me just please please bring him to me and Jay. Please give my precious son a kiss for me and let him know that his mommy and daddy love him so much.

In your precious name, Amen.

Monday, December 15, 2008

7 months...

Hello sweet angel of mine. I miss you so much. I feel alone in this huge world the only one I have is your daddy, who understands every part of me and what I feel and understands what I am going through right now. I just dont know anymore. I love you my sweet son with everything I have in me. I can not even imagine what life would be like if we had not even been given the chance to have you and know you or love you. We know what life is like without you and can only dream of what life will be like when we get to be with you again. You know I think of you and will never forget you even though many people tend to think that we have gotten over you or have forgotten you, you know that is not true, you are with me and daddy constantly. We can feel you here, watching over daddy and me, and that is the greatest gift God can give us right now, is the ability to feel your presence and love with us. *Thank you Lord for that blessing* Sweet son there is so much I want to say, so much I am feeling with you being gone from me and daddy and your little brother coming soon there is just so much to say. But words are failing me right now. I have not posted your pictures yet but I will get them up here as soon as I can. I love you my dear son and will see you soon.

Love mommy and daddy

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Christmas Tree...

Hello sweet boy, we put up your tree today and it looks beautiful!! I am amazed at how great it turned out. Even Shelby got to pick out an orimant that she wanted to have on there for you. I hope you enjoy it son. We love yo always and miss you so much.

Love always,

Mommy and Daddy

Monday, December 1, 2008

6 month balloons...

Here they are baby boy, sorry it took
me so long to get them put up here.
I love you my sweet baby and we miss
you so much. We are going to be out
this weekend putting up your Christmas
tree. We had thanksgiving this past thursday
and it was a rough day but we made it.
It seems like just when we feel that we
are falling into a "new normal" something
makes us fall right back down, but it always
seems that you lift us right back up. Since you
went to be with Jesus we see things we could
not see before. You go with us where ever we go.
It makes me smile to know that you are with us.
I love you my dear son. Please continue looking out
for you brother, not that I have to ask I know you will.
We think about you always.


Thursday, November 20, 2008


Hello sweet angel, I'm sorry I have not written to you in awhile. Know that I think about you everyday. Me and daddy came to visit you last saturday it was very peaceful just to sit and talk with you. I know you have changed my life so much and in so many ways. I feel that I have finally accepted that you had to go and be with Jesus and I am so happy for you, I will be there one day with you. Mommy loves you and will always love you. I will never forget you. Seems that every time we have an appointment coming up I always have nightmares the few nights before, sometimes they seem to take me over and I can not help but run to the doctors office to make sure your little brother is alright. They are so scary and hard to just pass off as "mommy is worried and scared" sometimes they feel so real, I wake up sometimes on the verge of screaming and wanting to run away. But when I look at your picture it always comforts me back to a peaceful sleep. I havent sent you any balloons yet but I am on saturday, so be ready for them. Sorry my thoughts seem so random, I just write whatever comes to mind. I love you my precious son.


Sunday, November 2, 2008

I'll Hold You in Heaven

I'll Hold You in Heaven

From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain.
I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.
I'll hold you in heaven someday,
When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;
I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

Hello Son...

Hello sweet boy. I'm sorry I did not post anything to you on your 5 month angelversary, but I did go out to visit you and a dear friend of mine wanted to come visit you too so she was there along with her son. It was very special knowing that others want to come to visit you too and I am glad. I hope you got all of your balloons, I forgot the camera so I didnt get pictures but it was very sweet. We all let go of balloons for you and it was very nice. Bry even talked to you for a little bit it was very sweet. It just amazes me the innocence of a child, he spoke to you as if you were his best friend and he had know you forever. I was truely touched. It absolutely lifted my heart. I love you my sweet baby. There is no one else like you my son, you touched this world and many people and you never spoke a word or even drew one breath of earths air. You truly amaze me. Some days its like a river one minute I feel as if I am completely content and feel as if I CAN continue living but some days I feel like I am on those rapid waters and am angry and frusterated and just dont understand. You keep me going, just by knowing that I will get to see you and hold you again always keeps me going. When I am down all I have to do is picture your beautiful face and remember I will hold you again and I feel alright. When our time on earth is done I will meet you at the gates of Heaven, me and daddy will meet you there and it will be the sweetest day because once again our little family will be complete. Please watch over your little brother or sister and keep them safe. We love you so much peanut and miss you everyday. Until that sweet day we meet again. I love you.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Getting by...

I must warn you before hand, this post may seem very dark and unlike me (if you know me) but I cant keep this inside any longer or I am just going to lose it! Please understand that nothing in this post is meant to hurt anyone or call you out. I am trying the only way I know how to get through this. I am sorry in advance.

I don't know really where to begin, all my thoughts run together anymore. I feel so out of place and so detached from the world as you know it. I just simply hurt, my body hurts my head hurts (I think from thinking way too much) and my heart literally aches constantly. None of this like you may be thinking, oh you just have a headache or you might be coming down with something. No, it's emotional grief. Most days anymore I think, for the safety of my unborn child should I seek help but always talk myself out of it. I always think I know what the issue is and I know what needs to be done to "correct"(for lack of a better word) it but I don't know how to do it. I know they will tell me it's severe emotional stress and grief. They will say, let it out, talk to anyone. Try to let go of some of it. I would do that except how do you just "let go" of something like this? How do you just one day wake up and say " My child died inside of me while my body and mind were supposed to be protecting him and today I am just going to forget about it and go on living like nothing happened?" I am sorry but no matter how many people in my life tell me that I need to just let it be, I will never just let it be. I can't. I understand many of you can and know how to let go of some of what has affected your life but I am very different than alot of you (as those of you who know me already know.) I can't let it go for one because I feel that, that child was inside of me his heart beating right under mine, his body in my care and protection but when its all said and done, I could not protect him, I could not save him. All I can do is pray that he knew nothing but the love I felt for him every second of everyday. And pray that he did not feel any pain whatsoever, it would kill me if I knew he had to suffer at all. I am hurting not only for my child but every time I see my family, I see pain and sorrow in their eyes and I know there is not one thing I can do for them, not one thing I can say to make it any better for them. I dread seeing them sometimes because that look in their eyes is almost unbearable. I feel that I have not only let the most important person in my life, Jay down in losing our son, but my mom and dad, Jay's mom and dad, my sister, brother and Jay's brother they do not have a grandchild and nephew because I didn't know he was dying right inside of me. Would I have been able to save him if I had seen just one sign? Maybe not, but maybe? Did I make a mistake in wanting to get pregnant again so soon? Am I putting this baby in jeopardy too? Maybe I should have waited at least a few more months to get through this anger part of grieving. But God has a plan and he knows what is best. He gave me this second chance for a reason. I seem to "get by" there for a little while I was having good days and bad, but once again just like at the beginning of this its back to just moments. I cant tell one moment from the next what its going to be like. A black hole or a little bit of sunlight. I have always been a very stubborn and independent person and now days I feel every time someone calls or comes over or even emails me this sense of claustrophobia, Jay and I spoke about this the other night too, and he made me realize because of being so independent and the need to figure things out on my own. I feel anyones opinion or help is threatening because I have this need to figure this out on my own. You may be thinking there is nothing to figure out what is done is done, but I am talking about myself, my emotions, my feelings, my pain. I guess that leads me back to the beginning where I asked should I seek help? I dont think even if I wanted to I could just for the simple fact that I have a need to fix myself on my own, I know me better than anyone. I dont want to be a medicated version of me I want to be me as I am now. Maybe that is nuts and maybe I really am slowly slipping away but its the truth and its how I feel. I just want to be...........

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism. Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Just thoughts....

Hello sweet baby. Mommy is missing you so much! I wish I could be with you, hold you again kiss your sweet face one more time. In time I know, I just have to be patient. Why did you have to go? I just dont understand, what did I do that made God take you away? I thought I was doing everything right, but I guess I wasnt, somewhere I did something wrong. Did I make God mad at me? I am at that anger stage in this grieving, just out of nowhere sometimes I get so angry I feel like just beating something, anything! I want my baby here with me! Everything anyone says to me makes me upset a lot of the times. Even if I know what they mean, its like my brain is telling me something that isnt right. It always feels like everyone is out to hurt me even more. I know in reality they arent but I guess the anger clouds your judgement sometimes. It always seems like everyone only thinks about their pain and oh how much they hurt, yes I know they do hurt but I feel that no one thinks I know all too well what its like, mine and daddy's pain are 100 times worse than anyones. My head is a mess, between trying to process others feeling and trying my best to keep myself together and this new baby thats coming I feel as if im just mush. I dont know how to manage, I dont know how to take things, I dont know what to feel, I dont know what to do, I dont know how I am supposed to react to people. I just dont know. Everyone says that they are so proud of me and think I am dealing well, but I think you are wrong, you can not see the inside. I may smile on the outside and laugh but thats because I have to. I have to smile and talk to people still otherwise they are uncomfortable with me-- most are uncomfortable around me now either way. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to just pick up and start new as if nothing ever happend? Im not, I have to just try to "deal" with the new normal. Everyone is so quick to get snappy when they hear something they dont like too, and I am getting to a point where I just dont care anymore, If I hurt your feelings well I dont feel you should be the one to say well its because you are going through a rough time because you know what your "rough" time is a cake walk in comparison. I am not saying your pain doesnt matter because it does, we were all affected and will forever be changed. I am saying before everyone starts getting snippy with me they need to understand it wasnt them that actually has to live this horrible nightmare, yes you are affected by it but you dont live it everyday over and over and every moment of that night is replayed over in your head. You dont have to think about the should of's and would of's and the what if's. Well I wasnt meaning to make this post about me, I wanted to tell my son about his garden, so I will give up for now. We finished your garden this weekend. It looks beautiful. Grandpa and Grandma O made a windchime and stepping stone for you, they look amazing. I will post some pictures for you. I love you my precious boy. I miss you every moment of everyday.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

New cousin...

Hello sweet angel baby, I miss you so much. I wanted to share the good news with you. Your cousin Ethan was born today! He weighed in at 7 pounds 4 ounces. I know you were looking after him as he took his journey into this world and will continue to look after him. We love you so much sweet boy. I wish you were here, I am really missing you these days. I love you my precious son.


Monday, September 15, 2008

4 months...

Hello my sweet baby, its been 4 months since you've been gone and we miss you like crazy. We dream of the day that we will be able to hold you again. We miss you so much. I still can not believe you are gone. Life seems so unreal and not what it used to be. It never will be the way it used to be ever again. I would not change my life at all. We can not look at everything as bad, yes we dont have you in our arms but we have you and thats what matters. I tell everyone I know I would not wish that this never happened because even though I met you this way, I was blessed to be able to meet you at all. Yes I would love to be able to hold you again even if for just a moment. You are my son and I am happy and blessed that you are. You are my everything. I wanted to share these pictures, the first is your little footprints. The second is a blanket I made for you, it looks a little rough because mommy isnt good at sewing and its not quite finished yet. I still have to put the picture transfers on and I need to fix the corners (they look bad) I hope you like it. I love you my sweet peanut. I will be sending you some balloons later and I'll post those pictures as well. Me and daddy are going to clean up your garden and put your bench together next weekend, I will put those pictures up here too for you to see. I love you baby boy.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I just don't understand....

There is one thing I don't think I will ever understand. Why do bad things always seem to happen to good people?? I talk to mommies all the time on a message board that I am always at and at least half of them have had 2 or more stillborn babies or miscarriages. Why does anyone have to go through this horrible pain?? I just dont understand!!! Why does God allow this to happen? Of course these are questions we will never get the answer to but I just cant help it. I know God never wants this to happen but I mean really He created this world and made beautiful mountains out of nothing!! Can He not say, "sweet child you need to stay with your mommies and daddies for awhile longer" Please Lord I know you know what I am thinking and saying, I just dont understand. We need your guidance and understanding. I pray so hard for all the mommies who have lost children, no one deserves this. No one! It makes me angry sometimes when I think about how hard and how bad some of these mommies just want to have living babies in their arms and hurt so bad and they may never get that chance. They try and try and keep getting shot down. WHY?? They dont deserve this.

You know who you are, if you are reading this know that I am praying for you and you will get your sweet baby one day. Dont give up!! Never give up. We all love and care about you, we are here if you need us.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Sums it all up....

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes. Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Hello angel baby...

hello my sweet angel boy. Im sorry I haven't written to you in awhile. How are you doing up there in Heaven? Has your great grandpa and grandma told you any silly stories about your mommy? I know they have many to tell. Your cousin Ethan will be on his way to coming into the world in a couple weeks. We are excited about him coming. I am sorry he wont get the chance to meet you. But he will know you and know how wonderful you were and still are. He will be proud to be your cousin. We all love and miss you so very much baby boy. I came to visit you yesterday, its always so peaceful sitting there beside you just talking and singing. Listening to the birds chirping and feeling you beside me. I love it there. Its always so hard to leave. As you already know cause I am sure you had a little something to do with it, your daddy and I are expecting your baby brother or sister. We are excited but we are so scared too. But we know you and Jesus are with us and we will be ok. We will always be ok with you and Jesus beside us. I love you precious baby and I miss you always, I think about you everyday. Daddy loves and misses you very much too. Oh i forgot, Daddy got his tattoo this past weekend, it looks great! Its your beautiful face. We both love it, we get to see you everyday. He said it hurt a little bit, I think he was just being a silly. :) Ok sweetheart, I love you.


Catching up

Well I have been a bit behind on posting, so heres to catch up. A few weeks ago I decided I would try to see if the funeral home might by chance still have the clothes and blanket that they picked up the baby in from the hospital and of course they do keep those items, but only for 60 days and by time I even thought about it, it was too late. They had already thrown them out. I wasnt upset but a little bummed considering I never even thought to ask for them after the funeral or before. How do you think about something like that when all you can think about is having to bury your baby? I couldnt understand why they dont at least let you know that they will keep these items for you in case you would like to have them. I didnt even know that they kept them until I called of course too late. Then I also wanted to see if the hospital might happen to have any pictures of him without his hat on, the wonderful nurses at the hospital that night were thoughtful enough to take pictures for us but unfortunately they all have his hat on. Of course being in the state that we were in that night, we didnt think that we might want to see him without his hat or look him over because that would be our only chance to do so. So I called up there and one sweet and wonderful nurse told me that they actually have a perfessional photographer that comes in and takes a couple pictures of babies after they are born. Well I was so excited to finally be able to see my son without his hat on, only once again to be brought down. Come to find out the nurse had to call this photographer to find out where our pictures were and she tells the nurse "oh the 3 pictures we took they are all black and you cant even see the baby, and theres one that you can just barely see the top of his hat." the nurse asked her why she didnt bother to call them or anything so that they could let us know. Her response was "well most people dont even want these pictures anyways so I didnt think it was a big deal" OMG talk about I was furious!!! How can you even say that?? I bet you that if you talked to any mother and father who had just lost their babies if they would want pictures of their child, I bet you they would say I would pay anything to have them! I had no idea that they even had someone come in and take pictures, thats why no one ever gets them IS BECAUSE THEY DONT KNOW THEY ARE THERE!!!!! And why the hell would you only take 3 pictures??? What are you a moron? Seriously, a baby has just died and the mother and father are never going to have another chance to take pictures of their child or make memories of them, so lets see, im only going to take 3 pictures of their child for them so that if all of them are screwed up they wont have any at all. OH WELL NOT MY PROBLEM!! She may not have said that but thats exactly what it feels like. You may say well she doesnt have to take these pictures at all and you are right she doesnt. But if that was me, I would say you know what this is the last chance these parents are going to get to see their precious baby how bout we give them pictures that they will remember and be able to have forever. And lets take more than 3 so that if any of them happen to get messed up there will be others that they will have!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Pregnant Again....

Well we found out today that we are pregnant again. My feelings I would say right now are calm, excited, and scared. I think once we start going to doctor visits the worrying and scared feelings with be with me until we have this baby. We are just trying to enjoy these first few weeks, I know that will be easier said then done. I'm already worried and scared. But we are going to do everything we can to make sure this baby comes home with us. I just can not believe that it happened as fast as it did last time. I mean I was thinking the whole time we were trying again that what if God does not want me to have any more children? What if I am not meant to have any living children at all? What if something happens again? What will we do? How will we handle it? So much is going through my head right now. So much stress and so much to consider and so much to worry about. I am so very excited at the thought of finally getting to hold a living breathing child in my arms and getting to sing them to sleep but a part of me is so scared that that dream will never happen. I know so many mommies now who have lost 5 or more babies and it just breaks my heart for them. I keep asking myself what if I end up the same way? They are such strong women and I wish I could give them what they so badly deserve and hope and pray for every day. I pray for them and I also pray for us (not to sound selfish). Will we be able to handle multiple losses like that if that happens to be our destiny? I don't think I could. Everyone has always said to me that it takes a very special and strong person to be the mommy of an Angel, yes I agree. But I believe it takes an extraordinary person to be the mommy to multiple Angels. I can only imagine what they feel and hurt. I can only hope and pray that I dont have to one day try and be that person. I wish they didnt have to be that person. No one should have to. I don't want to be extraordinary, I just want to be a mommy to a living, breathing child.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

My Goal in life...

My goal in life right now at this moment in time, is to #1 try to have another child. #2 I feel I have a responsiblity to my son and other pregnant women in the world, to tell them and try to get them to educate themselves about the problems and things that can go wrong with pregnancy. Because I know not one soul on this earth that is pregnant would want to find out the way I had to find out that bad things do and can happen to you. The way I want to achieve this 2nd goal is to start my own non profit organization in memory of my son and do a walk to raise money to help research umbilical cord accidents. I say umbilical cord accidents because thats why my son is not with me and not many people are doing anything about it and the doctors who are trying to do something, do not have a lot of funding. There are many women out there who experience some sort of umbilical cord accident. Did you know that many of the tests that are done during prenatal visits, I have read are less likely to cause fetal death, and the chances that your baby could die due to an umbilical cord accident are higher. (not sure how acurate that is, something I read online) but yet no one does the simple test that "could" possibly tell you something is wrong with the umbilical cord. WHY?? I'm tired of sitting here like a lump feeling sorry for myself when I could be out there doing something to make a difference and to keep my sons memory alive. Help us to make a difference, please leave any comments or information you may have that may help us to get started. It all starts with one person and if one baby is saved it is worth it.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Hello sweet baby boy. Here are the pictures of the balloons that Alexandra's mommy sent to you. I hope you enjoyed playing with your balloons and your sweet angel friends. We miss you all so much. Alexandra's mommy is so great she thinks about all of our angel babies. Tell Alexandra that she has a very special mommy and we appreciate everything she does for us. We love you sweet baby boy and we miss you so much.

Friday, August 15, 2008

3 months....

3 months ago today, we knew our lives were going to change but we never guess that they would be changed in this way. 3 months ago we were dreaming about our sweet little Jay coming home with us. 3 months ago we were rushing to the hospital because the time had come. 3 months ago we were waiting in the ER for the nurse to find Jay's heartbeat. 3 months ago we were told that our son died. 3 months ago our world came crashing down on us. 3 months ago we had to bury our newborn baby. Why does life have to be this way??? 3 months and 1 day ago we would have never guessed that our baby could die. Our world was so perfect the day before, what happened? God needed our son for reasons we will never understand. I will never understand, I will never forget that feeling of helplessness and hurt. That pain will be with me until the day I leave this earth, maybe then I will understand. A part of me died that day. With every moment for the rest of my life I will forever be haunted by the "what if's" and the "I should have's." Everyone says do not blame yourself, but how can I not, I am his mother and I could not protect him or save him. He tried to tell me something was wrong, but I did not know he was trying to! What kind of mommy am I, that can't even tell when her child is desperately trying to tell her that he is dying??

We love you sweet angel baby. We miss you so so very much. I'm sending you many sweet angel kisses. We will never forget you.
Love Mommy

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

"New" Life...

I still can not believe my life 3 months ago was happy so alive and so full of hopes and dreams, and today it feels empty and without purpose and meaning. I miss my sweet baby boy so much. I just wish even if for just a moment I could see him again, hold him, touch his sweet face and kiss him one last time. I don't go one day without dreaming that for just a moment time would rewind to the day before he passed, maybe then I could save him, save him from the horrible way he died. But of course that will never be granted to me. Maybe I was never meant to be a mommy to a living child, but oh God I want to be a mommy more than anything in my life. I have always dreamed of the day when I could hold a sweet precious baby in my arms and sing him to sleep and watch his daddy holding him as he rocks him gently to comfort him. Oh this pain is so unbearable!! Why does life have to be this way?? Why do babies have to die? Why do mommies and daddies have to bury their sweet precious babies? Its not fair!!

We've been trying again, and to be honest I am scared out of my mind. The thoughts that run through my head are what if we cant concieve again? what will happen if we loose another baby, will we continue to try? what if my body wasnt meant to carry any more babies? Will I be able to make it another 9 months and not loose my mind to worrying so much? What will we be able to do to make sure this baby gets to us alive? So much going through my head, its so hard to focus most days. The past week I do have to say has been fairly "good" I've made it through almost all of those days without a breakdown. Dont get me wrong there hasnt been a day that hasnt gone by that I havent thought about my son and I will always wish he was with me. But these days have been better ones. I say these things because its almost feels like that "new" life that we now are faced with is trying to settle in. If that makes any sense at all. In a way im ready to start over- I guess is what its called. But another part of me wants to stay where I was and never let go. I guess because its that "we were so close yet so far away" feeling and the feeling that I will be letting my son down or forgetting about him if I move on.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Sweet Baby

Hi sweet baby boy, I came to visit you today and was surprised when I got there to see that someone had left flowers for you. They were very beautiful. I hope you don't mind but I left them with one of your angel friends that didn't have any flowers. I brought you some flowers that will stay with you all the time unless we bring you real flowers when we come to visit. But these flowers will stay with you all other times. I took a picture of them for you. I know you will enjoy them. The ones that were left for you are the pink and purple ones and the blue and yellow ones are the ones me and daddy got for you. I miss you my sweet baby. You are my light in this dark world that we are now faced with. You give us hope and bring us so many sweet dreams, even though you arent here with us in life you are in spirit and you bring us such joy and love. I just cant really describe what its like. I love you sweet baby boy and I miss you so very much.

Love Always,


Sunday, August 3, 2008

I just am.....

People ask me all the time how I am doing and how am I dealing. Well really the only way to put it is I just am. I am just here, I continue with life because I have to. I have a wonderful husband who has been more than I could have ever dreamed of. I could not imagine my life right now or ever without him. On Wednesday, it was not a good day at all. I all of a sudden got so scared and started to panic I literally thought I was loosing my mind and no one was telling me. I thought I was going to continue the rest of my life in a nut house. Jay came down and talked to me and of course made me laugh about it. He said "do you really think if you were nuts you would even think to think that you were nuts?" Of course once I thought about it, no I don't guess I would think that I was. Everyone always tells us how brave and strong we are, well to tell you the truth I think anyone that goes through something of this magnitude just some how begans to realize you have to continue on. We know our son wouldn't want us to just stop living. Even though it's so hard, we do what we have to do. Even if it's not for ourselves we do it for each other. Because together is the only way we are going to make it through this dark dark time in our lives. We miss our son so much and wish that we had more time with him but we were given that small amount of time because God knew that that precious baby would change our lives so drastically for the good. I know for me I see things in a different light now all the small things that used to matter to me before are now just petty and dumb to me. I realize life is so short and so beautiful and there are so many loved ones to enjoy, that you can not just stop living because no matter what you feel at first, you know that everything happens for a reason and God's purpose is going to happen and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Yes He has our son but I just keep telling myself everyday that he is still here with us and he watches over us and one sweet day we will meet again and finally be.......complete. So for now, here on earth we are just as we are.

Friday, August 1, 2008

When Death Becomes Birth

When Death Becomes Birth
by Max Lucado

You live one final breath from your own funeral.
Which, from God's perspective, is nothing to grieve. He responds to these grave facts with this great news: "The day you die is better than the day you are born" (Eccles. 7:1). Now there is a twist. Heaven enjoys a maternity-ward reaction to funerals. Angels watch body burials the same way grandparents monitor delivery-room doors. "He'll be coming through any minute!" They can't wait to see the new arrival. While we're driving hearses and wearing black, they're hanging pink and blue streamers and passing out cigars. We don't grieve when babies enter the world. The hosts of heaven don't weep when we leave it.
Oh, but many of us weep at the thought of death. Do you? Do you dread your death? And is your dread of death robbing your joy of life?
Jesus came to "deliver those who have lived all their lives as slaves to the fear of dying" (Heb. 2:15).
Your death may surprise you and sadden others, but heaven knows no untimely death: "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed" (Ps. 139:16).
Dread of death ends when you know heaven is your true home. In all my air travels I've never seen one passenger weep when the plane landed. Never. No one clings to the armrests and begs, "Don't make me leave. Don't make me leave. Let me stay and eat more peanuts." We're willing to exit because the plane has no permanent mailing address. Nor does this world. "But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior" (Phil. 3:20).
Why don't you do this: give God your death. Imagine your last breath, envision your final minutes, and offer them to him. Deliberately. Regularly. "Lord, I receive your work on the cross and in your resurrection. I entrust you with my departure from earth." With Christ as your friend and heaven as your home, the day of death becomes sweeter than the day of birth.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Our Story

We began a beautiful journey in September of 2007 when we found out we were expecting our first child. We were so very excited to finally become parents. When we found out we were having a beautiful boy we were more excited. Jay already knew that his son would be named after him and his father, there was no arguing about that. So there we were waiting for our sweet baby jay to come into this world where no parent ever thinks of the unthinkable. We had his room all set up for him, all done just waiting. Then the wait is over, just like that in the blink of an eye all of our hopes and dreams are shattered. May 15th, 2008 at 12:30am I wake up to contractions all I keep thinking is this isnt supposed to be happening yet...he isnt due until June 5th. But my excitement grows at the thought of him being here a few weeks early. I wake Jay up and tell him we need to go to the hospital. We grab our bags and jump in the car and head to the hospital. Once we get there the nurse is checking me out to see how far along I am, then starts hooking me up to all the monitors. She tells us the baby has a good heartbeat, well then she starts comparing my pulse to the baby's heartbeat and realizes that they are the same. So after about half an hour of trying to find the baby's heartbeat she calls in her supervisor who tries to find it. They then call my doctor. By this time I can feel something is wrong. No one has said anything to us about what's going on, but I already know it's the worst. My doctor has them do an emergency Ultrasound to confirm our worst fears. There it is...right there on the ultrasound the thing I had been fearing the most, no heartbeat. My heart stopped. I could not believe just the morning before I felt him moving and everything was fine, but this morning he is just gone. I wanted to die. My doctor comes in and tells us he has died and that as of yet they didn't know why, but that we could do an autopsy to find the cause. Jay and I just did not feel that we could not put our son through that. We declined to do an autopsy but were going to have the chromosomal test done. We had opted for a c-section because the thought of going through a vaginal delivery just broke my heart even more knowing that at the end of that painful journey my son would not be coming to me alive. Well God had different plans for us, several hours later my contractions became stronger and at 8:20pm on May 15th, 2008 I delivered our precious baby Jay. We then knew what went so wrong that took our precious son's life. Jay's umbilical cord was twisted so bad at his belly button it was the size of the tip of a pen. The doctor was surprised that it had become that twisted, and told us that this type of umbilical cord accident was so rare and that the chances of this happening again was very slim. We only got to hold our son for a very short time, but he is thought about and loved every moment of everyday. I can not begin to tell you the heartache that we go through just to make it through a day. After leaving the hospital we began researching to find out what is being done about umbilical cord accidents and we have found that as of yet only one precious doctor is trying his hardest to help but he is only one man in a world where umbilical cord accidents happen more than many doctors believe. To know afterward that there were things that could have saved him is heart wrenching and painful to live with. I should be holding my son today but instead I have to accept the fact that he is gone from us. We will try again but I at times I can only think about what if it happens again? What will we do? It's just not fair that babies die and leave parents feeling empty and lost and all of our questions left unanswered. WHY?? We are parents just a different type of parent, we are the parents of an Angel. We are honored yet saddened. But in time we will be with our precious son again. We miss you and think about you often, son.We love you always.

Mommy and Daddy

Friday, July 25, 2008

Hi Peanut

Hello my sweet peanut. I have missed you so much lately, more than normal. I still cant believe you are not here with me. Some days it still feels like I'm just waiting for you to come into this world but then that night is replayed in my head and I just lose it. I feel sometimes that I will never be able to move forward and the pain will never ease. Then I feel you around me and near me then I know I will be okay. I try to keep a positive outlook but its so hard many times because I hear about someone else having a sweet baby or someone being pregnant and it makes me sad for us. I cant say that I am jealous of what others have because I'm not, I am very happy but its so hard to not hurt because of what we are missing. Someone told me the other day that it takes a very special person to be the mother of an Angel that may be true, I feel blessed and so hurt at the same time because I miss you so much. You have showed us what true love and unending love is and for that we thank you and will never forget that life is so short. Baby, we love you so very much and are always proud of you. You are our everything.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

For My Daddy

Don't cry for me daddy.

I am right here.
Although you can't see me, I can see your tears.
I visit you often.

Go to work with you each day,
and when it's time to close your eyes, on your pillow is where I lay.
I hold your hand and stroke your hair and whisper in your ear.
If you're sad today daddy, remember I am here.
God took me home now, this we know is true.
But you will always be my daddy, even though I am not with you.
I will always be daddy's little Angel, we will never be apart.
For every time you think of me, please know I am always in your heart.

A Place Where Children Are

What kind of place would heaven be with all its streets of gold,
if all the souls, that dwell up there like yours and mine, were old?
How strange would heaven's music sound when harps begin to ring,
if children were not gathered 'round to help the angels sing.
The children that God sends to us are only just a loan,
He knows we need their sunshine to make the house a home.
We need the inspiration of a baby's blessed smile.
He doesn't say they've come to stay, just lends them for a while.
Sometimes it takes them years to do the work for which they come.
Sometimes in just a month or two our Father calls them home.
I like to think some souls up there bear not one sinful scar.
I love to think of heaven as a place where children are.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Hi Sweet Angel

Hello my sweet angel. Im sorry I haven't written to you in awhile. I miss you so much. I know that you are near me, you speak to me in many different ways and through different things. It amazes me how blind I was before but now I see so many things that say "Mommy I am here with you and I love you." I used to think people were being cruel when I would see something or hear something that reminded me of you but now I know they were signs from you, letting me know you were near. You mean the world to me my sweet boy. I think about you everyday and miss you everyday. I am so happy for you, you get to see how beautiful Heaven is, many of us here on earth can only dream of how beautiful it is until in time we are blessed to get to go there. I am so glad you get to be with your great grandpa and grandma, I know they are delighted to get to hold you and take care of you for mommy and daddy. Sending you many angel kisses my sweet baby. Mommy loves you so much. Good night baby.

Birth Certificates for Stillborns in Florida.

Today my mother in law found out that in the state of Florida you can get a stillborn birth certificate! You don't know how happy this made me to know that someone does recognize that we had our son. It makes me sad that some states wont recognize a child just because he/she died inside the womb. Its a sick feeling to know that they think your baby wasnt alive yet just because he hadnt entered this world yet. My child was living up until the day before I delivered him. I don't understand why that even crosses someones mind, what do they think we are going to deliver a doll or an alien?? Its like my mother in law said, they will put someone in jail because they killed a "fetus" but they wont recognize that its a living, breathing human? What sense does that make?? No one will ever understand what it means to a parent to have that birth certificate until they have lost their baby. To know that, that child isn't "hidden" just because it was born dead means so much to a greiving parent. We love to talk about our Angel babies as much as anyone else loves to talk about their live babies. Because they were alive at one point, only difference is, is that God needed ours and they were taken from our wombs and went straight to Heaven. I know this is going to be a long drawn out process but if its the last thing I do on this earth, I will do it. To be able to fight for other grieving parents is something I think I am supposed to do. It will happen, don't give up.
This is the link to the website to file for a birth certificate and death certificate.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

2 Months.....

Hello my sweet Angel, I cant believe its been 2 months since you've been gone. It hurts so bad, it seems like just a few days ago we were getting ready for you to come into this world. Now all we have left of you is a empty nursery, empty arms and a few pictures and the hole thats in our hearts. Oh my sweet boy, I wish I could hold you again, kiss your beautiful face, change your diaper, play with your cute little toes. All I get to do is only dream of those things and dream of how it should have been. I pray everyday that God will let me see you, for just 5 minutes one last time. But I know in God's own way I see you everyday, in my dreams, in my heart, in memory. But I want to see you in person, with you in my arms. I know one day I will see you again, but that seems to be so far away. I pray that when my time here is done and I do get to those big gates that you will be waiting for me on the other side to show me around that big place. I thought I would show you a few pictures of mommy when she was pregnant with you and of your room. I hope you enjoy them. I love you so much my darling son.

Love you always,

Monday, July 14, 2008

Hi Son.

Hello my sweet Angel, I've missed you so much. Today was my first day back at work and it was hard but I needed to try and get back into some sort of routine and try and find my "new normal". I wish you were here with me! Things would be so great if I could hold you in my arms and hear your beautiful giggle and see your smile. I know in time my days on earth will be over and I will see you again, but I wish you were here with me now! You should have been able to come home with me and daddy after you were born but God needed you. I wish I could go back to the week before and make the doctor do more, but I know we can never change what is supposed to happen. I know your body only passed through this earth for a moment but your soul will live on forever. You have left such a beautiful imprint on my heart and know that even though your earthly days didnt last long that I will never forget you or never stop loving you or never stop missing you. I love you so much my precious son.


Sunday, July 13, 2008

Baby Jay's Headstone

Friday, July 11, 2008

To speak or not to speak....

I came across a post today that really bothered me, a sweet lady who lost her daughter was upset about her sister speaking what should never be spoken....

~You know when I asked on here a few weeks ago about the signing the cards. Weither or not you all sign cards with your baby's name on it. And most of you that replyed said yes. So I was so happy bc I have been really wanting to sign Macayla's name on a card.
So my sister says I saw the birthday card you sent mom. And the way you signed it..... so I was like, yeah? And she said dont you think thats weird to do that? And I said no, everyone else gets to sign their cards with their baby's name on it. And she was like well everyone else's baby's are alive. I said so she is still my daughter and part of my family. And then she said it just shows that your really not over this yet................. WTF??? It has only been 6 months, do you expect me to be over it??? I will never be OVER this, In time I just hope to handle this pain better. There is no OVER this.

So for anyone out there wondering what you should say or what you really should not say the link at the top of the page will give you an idea. Please understand that we want you to speak to us but if you dont know what to say or not sure if what you are saying is going to hurt us, then please dont say it! If someone would have said that to me I think I would have vomited. Please try to put yourselves in our shoes and think of how you would feel if that was your child, and know that the loss of a child is something you dont ever "get over."

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Mommy's Love Goes With You

Hello my precious son, I just wanted to tell you how much I love and miss you. We are going to come visit you this weekend and bring you some flowers, and we are going to take some better pictures of your headstone. I saw the beautiful rainbows you sent to me and daddy this past week. I took some pictures of them with my phone but they didnt come out too well. Maybe next time I will have the camera with me. I hope you are enjoying being with all your great grandparents and your uncle up there. I know they will take care of you until mommy can come to be with you. I love you so very much son. I miss you everyday and think about you all the time. Daddy loves and misses you very much too. We hope you come to visit soon. We love you always baby.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

This pain...

The pain that you feel when you lose a child is something no one ever wants to feel. To go through each day just knowing that the sweet precious face that you dreamed about from the moment you found out you were pregnant you will never see again, is a lot of the times unbearable. Last night I was talking to my brother about things him and his fiance still needed for their baby they are expecting in October and for a moment I felt that I couldn't move or breath, because I know that when their baby gets here my precious Jay should have been 5 months old and he was going to be going with us to see his cousin. But he wont be there to welcome his first cousin and that brought me heartache. I will never see that sweet innocent face again and I will never get to see them become best friends or playing together, it hurts so much. The first thing that comes to mind when I think about what this pain feels like, is Jesus dying on the cross and how God felt. I know that He was angry for what this world did to His Son but he gave Him up so that we could repent for our sins and be forgiven. I know that we should never ask God why, but to loose a child that's the only thing that comes to mind a lot of the times is "why?" Because we do not understand why God has taken our child away from us, and we search for answers that will never be answered. This pain is a deep dark hole that sometimes I feel like I can not get out of. Somedays I feel that I am almost to the top of the dark hole almost finding sunlight but then I see another mommy with her newborn and see how happy she is, and I lose my footing and fall right back down to the bottom. Sometimes I feel that I will never get to the top where there is sunlight and happiness, but I know in time I will get there.

Hello my sweet Angel, mommy misses you so much. Daddy and I bought you some flowers yesterday, they are beautiful. Shelby loved them she was sniffing them and smiling up at you. I know she misses you too. Sometimes she goes in your room and brings all of her toys with her, in hopes that you want to play. I know she can see you cause sometimes she stares off into the unknown and you can tell she is smiling. She never did that before. Well baby boy, I will put the picture of the flowers on here so that you can see them. Mommy and daddy love you bunches.


Monday, July 7, 2008

Missing You

Hello my sweet Angel. Mommy misses you so much and wishes you could be here with her. There isnt a day that doesnt go by that I dont think about you. I think about what you would be doing, what your little giggle would sound like, what you would be wearing today. Would you be able to hold your head up? Would you be able to recognize me and daddy? Would you be tickleish like mommy? I dream about the day that I will be able to hold you in my arms again. Baby I miss you so much!! It hurts so bad to look at your daddy and know he is hurting and that there is nothing I can do to ease his pain. I wish that it didnt have to be this way but I know that you are in the best care and the best hands. Mommy is only second best to Jesus. Daddy always said only the very best for his precious boy and you have the very best and are in the best place. Even though we hurt for you everyday and wish you were here with us, we know that you are being taken care of and we do not have to worry about you hurting or being hurt. In a way I am glad you are with Jesus because you will never have to know what its like to hurt or know the hatred that exsists in this world, but the selfish part of me wants you here because of the hole left in our lives and hearts. I love you so much my sweet Angel and I miss you.

Love always,

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Poem from Grandma

In Memory of Baby Jay
May 15th, 2008
How my heart leapt with Joy
At the news of a Grandbaby,
A Boy!!
Ten little fingers and ten little toes,
Would you have your fathers eyes
And your mothers nose?
In a flash we were shopping---There's so much to buy,
Blankets, bottles, clothes and toys
Nothings too good for Grandma's Boy.
Dreams of giggles and grins, kisses and hugs,
A precious bundle for Grandma to love!
The call woke us from our sleep
My world was destroyed in one fell sweep.
As I held you and looked at your angel face
I prayed to God's good grace;
"Send angels to care for my Grandson
Keep him safe and warm
Until Grandmas' days on earth are done."

Friday, July 4, 2008

Hello my sweet baby boy, we are missing you so very much today and thinking about you. I feel that you are close by me today. I love you and miss you so very much. Shelby went swiming today at grandma and grandpa's, i know you probably enjoyed watching her. She was having a blast finally getting to swim again. I hope you enjoyed watching the fireworks, you got the best seat for watching fireworks, i bet it was beautiful from heaven. Well son, mommy misses you and hopes you visit soon.

Love you always my sweet peanut.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

October 15th Video (Baby Jay is in this one)....


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