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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

"New" Life...

I still can not believe my life 3 months ago was happy so alive and so full of hopes and dreams, and today it feels empty and without purpose and meaning. I miss my sweet baby boy so much. I just wish even if for just a moment I could see him again, hold him, touch his sweet face and kiss him one last time. I don't go one day without dreaming that for just a moment time would rewind to the day before he passed, maybe then I could save him, save him from the horrible way he died. But of course that will never be granted to me. Maybe I was never meant to be a mommy to a living child, but oh God I want to be a mommy more than anything in my life. I have always dreamed of the day when I could hold a sweet precious baby in my arms and sing him to sleep and watch his daddy holding him as he rocks him gently to comfort him. Oh this pain is so unbearable!! Why does life have to be this way?? Why do babies have to die? Why do mommies and daddies have to bury their sweet precious babies? Its not fair!!

We've been trying again, and to be honest I am scared out of my mind. The thoughts that run through my head are what if we cant concieve again? what will happen if we loose another baby, will we continue to try? what if my body wasnt meant to carry any more babies? Will I be able to make it another 9 months and not loose my mind to worrying so much? What will we be able to do to make sure this baby gets to us alive? So much going through my head, its so hard to focus most days. The past week I do have to say has been fairly "good" I've made it through almost all of those days without a breakdown. Dont get me wrong there hasnt been a day that hasnt gone by that I havent thought about my son and I will always wish he was with me. But these days have been better ones. I say these things because its almost feels like that "new" life that we now are faced with is trying to settle in. If that makes any sense at all. In a way im ready to start over- I guess is what its called. But another part of me wants to stay where I was and never let go. I guess because its that "we were so close yet so far away" feeling and the feeling that I will be letting my son down or forgetting about him if I move on.

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