Thank you Franchesca!

Songs for peanut

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

8 months....

Hello baby! Today it has been 8 months since I was able to hold you and see you. I miss you so much! I was so blessed to be given 8 beautiful months with you, you growing perfectly inside me, your heart beating right under mine, depending on my every breath. Today feels a little strange--if that is the right word. Because it has been 8 months since you've been gone, the same amount of time I was allowed to be with you. I feel so blessed but yet so cheated at the same time, blessed because I am your mother- The mother of an Angel! How can I not say that I am not blessed? But at the same time I feel cheated because I dont get to see you and hold you and see how beautiful you are as an Angel. You are so amazing, son. Everyday you still amaze me and you are not even here in the flesh. I love you so very much, I just can not even imagine what life would have been like if I had not been given the opportunity to be your mother. I have learned so much from you. You are what keep me funtioning and going everyday, the reason I get out of bed and face each day, no matter how hard the day is. I know one day when I finally meet the end of life here on earth you will be waiting for me in Heaven and that day will be sweet and so great. You are my wings and daddy is my crutch and of course Jesus is my light. Without you 3 I dont know where I would be today. I just can not believe the 8 months (37 weeks) that I was pregnant with you went by so fast, and the 8 months that you have been gone seems to have gone by fast but so slow at the same time. Oh what I would give to just have one more moment with you. I love you my sweet son.


Saturday, January 3, 2009

Friday, January 2, 2009


Hello son, Mommy is missing you very much lately. I do always but seems lately I cant seem to concentrate on much of anything. We had 2 great appointments for your baby brother and he seems to be doing great and I am so very excited about meeting him and hopefully bringing him home in May. But I cant seem to get past this anxious feeling. I am wanting him home right now but I know that's not possible and I wouldn't want to bring him into this world right now anyways that would be crazy but I am so ready for May to get here sometimes I feel like I am going nuts. And I get frustrated because I can't have you and him here. I want so bad for him to be able to play with you here with me and daddy and us 4 to be together and so happy. I know you were meant to be in Heaven with Jesus because you were so perfect and this world was not ready for you. But sometimes its still so hard to just get up and continue moving forward. I do have to say that at first I was really skeptical about going back to work but it has helped so much just to take my mind off of what has happened for a little while. I really do not think that I would be where I am now if it hadn't have been for your daddy and going back to work. At work I dont have to think I have work to keep my mind on something else for a bit. But of course I always think of you and how life would be so different and how great it would be with you almost 8 months old and Jacen on his way, or would we have even been pregnant again so soon? Probably not but I dont like to think about the world without you and Jacen in it. But I guess I have to deal with what God has put before me and move forward without you, but with you in my heart and in spirit. I love you son, please watch over your little brother. I will never have to worry about you I can just love you with everything I have in me and remember you as you were and still are. I know it sounds silly but can you ask Jesus if I can keep Jacen, I would like to have one child at least that I can get a little upset for not taking out the trash or making a big mess. I know it couldnt be you now but I love Jacen the same as I love you and need one little one to help ease some of this pain....if there is even such a thing. Its very complicated but I guess in time we might understand. I love you son. Oh I also wanted to show you this picture of Shelby. Daddy and I thought she was trying to say Merry Christmas to you. Stay close beside us sweet boy.

October 15th Video (Baby Jay is in this one)....


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