Friday, January 2, 2009
Hello son, Mommy is missing you very much lately. I do always but seems lately I cant seem to concentrate on much of anything. We had 2 great appointments for your baby brother and he seems to be doing great and I am so very excited about meeting him and hopefully bringing him home in May. But I cant seem to get past this anxious feeling. I am wanting him home right now but I know that's not possible and I wouldn't want to bring him into this world right now anyways that would be crazy but I am so ready for May to get here sometimes I feel like I am going nuts. And I get frustrated because I can't have you and him here. I want so bad for him to be able to play with you here with me and daddy and us 4 to be together and so happy. I know you were meant to be in Heaven with Jesus because you were so perfect and this world was not ready for you. But sometimes its still so hard to just get up and continue moving forward. I do have to say that at first I was really skeptical about going back to work but it has helped so much just to take my mind off of what has happened for a little while. I really do not think that I would be where I am now if it hadn't have been for your daddy and going back to work. At work I dont have to think I have work to keep my mind on something else for a bit. But of course I always think of you and how life would be so different and how great it would be with you almost 8 months old and Jacen on his way, or would we have even been pregnant again so soon? Probably not but I dont like to think about the world without you and Jacen in it. But I guess I have to deal with what God has put before me and move forward without you, but with you in my heart and in spirit. I love you son, please watch over your little brother. I will never have to worry about you I can just love you with everything I have in me and remember you as you were and still are. I know it sounds silly but can you ask Jesus if I can keep Jacen, I would like to have one child at least that I can get a little upset for not taking out the trash or making a big mess. I know it couldnt be you now but I love Jacen the same as I love you and need one little one to help ease some of this pain....if there is even such a thing. Its very complicated but I guess in time we might understand. I love you son. Oh I also wanted to show you this picture of Shelby. Daddy and I thought she was trying to say Merry Christmas to you. Stay close beside us sweet boy.
at 6:12 PM