Thank you Franchesca!

Songs for peanut

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Monday, October 17, 2011

October 15th Pregnancy and Infant loss Remembrance Day

This night was nothing new for our family. We remember our sweet baby boy who left us way too soon. We are a family of 5, even though looking at us walking through a store or through the mall you only see 4 of us. Tonight is about remembering all the babies gone from this world.

We miss you more than ever, son. We love you so very much.

Friday, June 24, 2011

3rd Heavenly Birthday.....

Its hard to believe 3 years ago today....

My world changed. My first child, who wasn't due until June 5th unexpectedly died and left this world forever to be with Jesus.  I never imagined that instead of bringing home a newborn baby, I was picking out a headstone and trying to find reason and purpose in this world.

In the past 3 years there have been many ups and downs. Grief is like the ocean. One minute you will be on top of a huge wave.


The next you can be at the bottom.

Struggling to survive.
Losing hope.

I never imagined that my life would turn in this direction and that I would be working through each day and trying to find peace in this world we know as grief. Grief is hard, grief is endless and grief hurts. Each day we are faced with new reason and purpose. We try to live each day as if its our last.

Just 3 months after Jay died, we began trying again. Just 2 weeks later I knew I was pregnant with our second child. That pregnancy was so very different from Jay's pregnancy. I was unsure of what was to come. I was scared.

My pregnancy with Jacen was hard, but we made it through. On the day we went in for the induction, I felt scared but also at peace. I knew my baby boy was watching over his brother and that God was on our side just like He has always been. Now I am pregnant again for the 3rd time, and once again I am scared out of my mind. But I feel "safe" if that is even the right word for it. I feel once again that even though I had pushed God from my mind for awhile, He is right where he has always been. Right next to me.

I've been trying to write this post for over a month now. Haven't had the time. To finish this up, I leave you with pictures from Jay's 3rd birthday in Heaven.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

If Heaven weren't so far away.....

I heard this song not too long ago, and haven't heard it again until today. It really had me thinking, what if Heaven weren't so far away?

This is what I would do.

I would take Jacen to meet his big brother and his great grandpa, great grandma and uncle who passed away an hour after he was born. We would have a picnic. I would hold onto and kiss my baby boy. I would tell him over and over again how much I love him and miss him. I would tell my grandpa how much I love and miss him. We would run free in the wide open spaces that I image heaven to have. I would watch my two sons playing together while I sat and talked to my grandpa.  I would tell my baby how sorry I am that I could not save him. I would enjoy seeing my boys with their great grandpa and grandma. I would talk to my brother and get to know him. I would tell them all just how wonderful and special they are.

There is so much more. I am sure we would be making multiple trips. There is just so much and it couldnt all be done in a day.

I miss my baby boy so much it hurts. If only heaven wasn't so far away.

If only.....

Justin Moore - "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" Official Music Video

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

May is coming...

May is coming near. I have no clue yet what I am going to do for Jay's 3rd birthday. I cant believe he will be 3! I think maybe something quiet and at the beach, with some candlelight and cake. Just listening to the ocean, and the songs that remind me of him. 

This year feels so strange for me. I feel like this all happened in another lifetime. The pain and missing are still a constant companion of mine, yet grief feels so strange. 

I still wonder daily who he would be today and what he would look like. How big he would be. Or what his personality would be like. 

There are still so many questions that run through my mind that will be left unanswered, but I have learned to live with that. I am not God and I am not to question God. But sometimes I just want an answer! In time.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

No where to run.....

No where to run
No where to hide

From the pain that is this life
From the grief that swallows me up
From the pain of seeing a brother play without his big brother

No where to run
No where to hide

From the nightmares
From the visions
From the "could have beens"

No one to explain
No one to answer
No reason to be seen

Why a life was made so short
Why a nightmare became reality
Why we are made to just continue on

No where to run
No where to hide

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Year...

Well 2010 has come and gone, my baby boy has been gone for 2 years 7 months. Its hard to believe that 2 years 7 months ago this precious angel entered my life and in the blink of an eye he was taken from my very body without me knowing it. I loved this child, I wanted this child, I did nothing to harm him in any way and never dreamed of it. I still love this child, I still want this child and I still would do nothing to harm him in any way. I am saddened that there are mothers in this world who are graced with God's love and goodness by bearing his children and harm them and treat them bad and do not love them. I am saddened that sometimes these babies have to endure pain from their parents that no one should ever have to. I am saddened that my son died and I would have NEVER dreamed of hurting him in any way, but yet I was not allowed to keep him. I still can't ponder this question without getting upset.

To hold your child in your arms for the last time and know that you will never see him again is heart wrenching and painful. There are so many emotions that go through you. Some of you know exactly how this feels and what I am talking about. Some of you do not, but you have seen it first hand. You see the effects it has on a person, on a mother, a father, on a family. The effects of losing a child at any stage or age is heartbreaking. Its never an easy path to travel, to be honest its downright HARD and sometimes unbearable. 

2009 brought to us the most precious gift after losing our first son. It brought us Jacen. 2010 we saw the beautiful person Jacen has become. The end of 2010 brought us more great news that we will be having another little person joining our family of 4 soon. I can not wait to see what 2011 has in store for our family. I pray that God shines on us once again and brings this little pea safely to us in August.

May you all have a beautifully blessed New Year and may it bring wonderful things to you and your family.

October 15th Video (Baby Jay is in this one)....


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