3rd Heavenly Birthday.....

Its hard to believe 3 years ago today....

My world changed. My first child, who wasn't due until June 5th unexpectedly died and left this world forever to be with Jesus.  I never imagined that instead of bringing home a newborn baby, I was picking out a headstone and trying to find reason and purpose in this world.

In the past 3 years there have been many ups and downs. Grief is like the ocean. One minute you will be on top of a huge wave.

Breathing.
Surviving.

The next you can be at the bottom.

Drowning.
Struggling to survive.
Losing hope.

I never imagined that my life would turn in this direction and that I would be working through each day and trying to find peace in this world we know as grief. Grief is hard, grief is endless and grief hurts. Each day we are faced with new reason and purpose. We try to live each day as if its our last.

Just 3 months after Jay died, we began trying again. Just 2 weeks later I knew I was pregnant with our second child. That pregnancy was so very different from Jay's pregnancy. I was unsure of what was to come. I was scared.

My pregnancy with Jacen was hard, but we made it through. On the day we went in for the induction, I felt scared but also at peace. I knew my baby boy was watching over his brother and that God was on our side just like He has always been. Now I am pregnant again for the 3rd time, and once again I am scared out of my mind. But I feel "safe" if that is even the right word for it. I feel once again that even though I had pushed God from my mind for awhile, He is right where he has always been. Right next to me.

I've been trying to write this post for over a month now. Haven't had the time. To finish this up, I leave you with pictures from Jay's 3rd birthday in Heaven.