Thank you Franchesca!

Songs for peanut

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Monday, September 14, 2009

16 months.....

hello baby, I thought I would write to you tonight. I cant believe its already been 16 months, I remember that night like it was only yesterday. On one hand it feels like such a long time ago and than again it feels like its been just yesterday. I remember the day before in the shower feeling you moving and I remember smiling thinking about how beautiful and great life was going to be for us 3. I remember being at work that day and telling a few people that I havent felt you move in a little while and them saying, "dont worry you are getting so close that happens as you get closer." I remember waking up at 12am May 15th with horrible contractions and sitting there for half an hour timing how far apart they were, I remember waking daddy up and telling him I thought it was time to go. I remember telling him "I've been timing them for half an hour and they are 2 minutes apart." I remember getting out of bed and being so very cold, and thinking maybe this is just a part of labor. I remember getting in the car and looking through our birthing class book and flipping to the "warning signs that you need to get to the ER right away" page and reading the one line that put my heart racing....."high fever- get to hospital immediately." I remember getting to the ER and having to pee really bad, and telling daddy that he needs to tell the nurse that I am pregnant, (all he told her was that I was having severe pain in my abdomen, she asked if I had my will written up!) I remember the labor and delivery nurse coming to get us to take us upstairs. I remember the smell of the triage room we were in, I remember all the monitors, I remember feeling anxious and excited and nervous. I remember getting undressed (into the lovely hospital gowns) I remember talking with the nurse about how far apart the contractions were, I remember her hooking me up to the heart and contraction monitors. I remember her saying you are having little contractions and saying he has a great heartbeat. I remember her leaving the room and coming back and checking to see if I was dilated. I remember her saying "well you are like a 1 and you arent doing a whole lot we are going to send you home." I remember telling her can we check to make sure baby is doing ok, I havent felt him moving a whole lot today," I remember the look on her face when I said that, it was almost a look of dread and panic at the same time. I remember her taking my wrist and checking it with your heart monitor. I remember thinking....what is she doing? I remember it seeming like forever before another nurse came in and checking my pulse with your heartbeat. I remember her smiling slightly at me and saying "sometimes they can turn over and if their backs are facing out its hard to get a heartbeat on this thing." I remember the nurse coming back and saying "your doctor is on his way, we are moving you to a labor room he has ordered us to do an ultrasound just to be sure everything with baby is going alright. I remember being paranoid and scared at this point. I remember no one telling us what was going on. I remember being moved to the labor room and the room being dimly lit. I remember the nurses coming in to do the ultrasound and remember the look on the nurses faces, absolute dread and sorrow. I remember them not saying a word but pointing to the machine. I remember looking at it...(i had seen them so much a this point I knew what I was looking at.) I remember seeing the stillness of where your heart should have been beating. I remember the nurse typing out the letters...HRT over your heart. I remember her asking me to breathe in real deep and hold it. I remember nearly screaming at all of them for not telling me! I remember Dr. Morales coming in and the look on his face and how softly he spoke. I remember him saying "Honey, I am so sorry but the baby is gone." I remember feeling at that moment wanting to die. I do not remember much of anything else he spoke after that. I do remember him saying "fetal demise" a few times and how it made me want to vomit. I remember him saying we can do an autopsy if you both choose to, so that we might find out what happened to little man. I remember feeling sick at the thought of that. I remember thinking "just this morning I was thinking about what I needed to do to finish your room and prepare for your arrival and now I am having to decide whether or not I want an autopsy done on your body!!! This is not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I remember telling him that I could not have you naturally I wanted a c-section. I remember him telling me he would consult with Dr. Hall and him asking me to reconsider, because it was a major surgery and that there is a chance I could die. I remember thinking, if something happens during surgery....let me die, let me die, LET ME DIE!!! I remember just looking over at daddy and wanting to crawl in a hole and hiding from the world. I remember wanting to run as fast as I anywhere but there. I remember us talking about the autopsy and agreeing that we could not do that to you. I remember calling everyone.....I remember the sound of pain and sorrow in their voices. I do not remember much of what was said though. I remember Dr. Hall coming in, giving me a hug and telling us how sorry he was. I remember the feelings of helplessness and the unbearable pain, the hole in my heart. I remember not much else because after a while they put me under a lot of drugs. I remember people coming in and out. I remember waking up to someone telling me it was time to push. I remember delivering you. I remember seeing you briefly right after you were born and saying "oh my God he is beautiful." and sobbing. I remember the pain on Dr. Hall's face when he said, "his umbilical cord is twisted." I remember it seemed like hours before they finally brought you to me. When they finally did, I remember feeling this love that no one can explain, this pain that can not be described, and such sorrow. I remember letting you go so soon. I remember wanting to get up out of that bed and run with you as far as I could. I remember leaving the hospital without you and feeling defeated and feeling like I had to leave a part of my soul behind. (which I did) I remember that day that you taught me some very important lessons, you taught me that love is great love does not end just because a life here on earth does. You have shown me what true love is. You have shown me things that I otherwise never would have seen.
I love you son and miss you so very much. Until we meet again, my darling son.


Friday, September 11, 2009

Just thoughts....

You know everyday is a new day and each day brings new adventures; and with it, is there more peace or more pain that is brought? Some days are ok for me and some days are not. For the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about seeing a counselor, but have been too ashamed and scared to. I have always been a person that has always been too stubborn and felt that I could handle everything and anything on my own....except this. Since my angel came into my life I have been given this sort of gift....the gift of sight. I have seen things I otherwise before baby Jay would have passed off as just the circle of life happening. But since Jay, I have been given the opportunity to see beyond that. Maybe its this part of my being that is telling me not to give up on myself so fast or easily. After all of the signs and God's messages I have to try and be at peace, right? I know of God's wonderfulness and how great He is, but sometimes its still hard for me to try and stand up straight and tall and be strong. Sometimes I want to fall down and scream and cry and just hurt for a while. Sometimes I dont want to cry anymore, but how do you stop? Doesnt mean I wont still be dying inside. Its been 16 months on Tuesday and I feel broken and hurt. Like I said some days I feel ok.....the past couple of weeks has not been one of those times. With God as my Father, Jacen as my medicine, Jay as my light...I will make it through.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Name in the Sand....

I happen to be looking at a friends blog and came across this lady who writes babies names who have gone too soon in the sand and I remember sometime before we had Jacen I sent in a request. Well I thought I will give it another shot. Well I happen to be looking around at the website and found Baby Jay's name that I had requested months ago!! The greatest thing! It just made my make it even better....the day they wrote his name in the sand and took this picture was the same day I gave birth to his baby brother Jacen! God shows he is amazing even in the smallest ways.......

October 15th Video (Baby Jay is in this one)....


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