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Friday, September 11, 2009

Just thoughts....

You know everyday is a new day and each day brings new adventures; and with it, is there more peace or more pain that is brought? Some days are ok for me and some days are not. For the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about seeing a counselor, but have been too ashamed and scared to. I have always been a person that has always been too stubborn and felt that I could handle everything and anything on my own....except this. Since my angel came into my life I have been given this sort of gift....the gift of sight. I have seen things I otherwise before baby Jay would have passed off as just the circle of life happening. But since Jay, I have been given the opportunity to see beyond that. Maybe its this part of my being that is telling me not to give up on myself so fast or easily. After all of the signs and God's messages I have to try and be at peace, right? I know of God's wonderfulness and how great He is, but sometimes its still hard for me to try and stand up straight and tall and be strong. Sometimes I want to fall down and scream and cry and just hurt for a while. Sometimes I dont want to cry anymore, but how do you stop? Doesnt mean I wont still be dying inside. Its been 16 months on Tuesday and I feel broken and hurt. Like I said some days I feel ok.....the past couple of weeks has not been one of those times. With God as my Father, Jacen as my medicine, Jay as my light...I will make it through.

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