Thank you Franchesca!

Songs for peanut

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Sunday, July 27, 2008

Our Story

We began a beautiful journey in September of 2007 when we found out we were expecting our first child. We were so very excited to finally become parents. When we found out we were having a beautiful boy we were more excited. Jay already knew that his son would be named after him and his father, there was no arguing about that. So there we were waiting for our sweet baby jay to come into this world where no parent ever thinks of the unthinkable. We had his room all set up for him, all done just waiting. Then the wait is over, just like that in the blink of an eye all of our hopes and dreams are shattered. May 15th, 2008 at 12:30am I wake up to contractions all I keep thinking is this isnt supposed to be happening yet...he isnt due until June 5th. But my excitement grows at the thought of him being here a few weeks early. I wake Jay up and tell him we need to go to the hospital. We grab our bags and jump in the car and head to the hospital. Once we get there the nurse is checking me out to see how far along I am, then starts hooking me up to all the monitors. She tells us the baby has a good heartbeat, well then she starts comparing my pulse to the baby's heartbeat and realizes that they are the same. So after about half an hour of trying to find the baby's heartbeat she calls in her supervisor who tries to find it. They then call my doctor. By this time I can feel something is wrong. No one has said anything to us about what's going on, but I already know it's the worst. My doctor has them do an emergency Ultrasound to confirm our worst fears. There it is...right there on the ultrasound the thing I had been fearing the most, no heartbeat. My heart stopped. I could not believe just the morning before I felt him moving and everything was fine, but this morning he is just gone. I wanted to die. My doctor comes in and tells us he has died and that as of yet they didn't know why, but that we could do an autopsy to find the cause. Jay and I just did not feel that we could not put our son through that. We declined to do an autopsy but were going to have the chromosomal test done. We had opted for a c-section because the thought of going through a vaginal delivery just broke my heart even more knowing that at the end of that painful journey my son would not be coming to me alive. Well God had different plans for us, several hours later my contractions became stronger and at 8:20pm on May 15th, 2008 I delivered our precious baby Jay. We then knew what went so wrong that took our precious son's life. Jay's umbilical cord was twisted so bad at his belly button it was the size of the tip of a pen. The doctor was surprised that it had become that twisted, and told us that this type of umbilical cord accident was so rare and that the chances of this happening again was very slim. We only got to hold our son for a very short time, but he is thought about and loved every moment of everyday. I can not begin to tell you the heartache that we go through just to make it through a day. After leaving the hospital we began researching to find out what is being done about umbilical cord accidents and we have found that as of yet only one precious doctor is trying his hardest to help but he is only one man in a world where umbilical cord accidents happen more than many doctors believe. To know afterward that there were things that could have saved him is heart wrenching and painful to live with. I should be holding my son today but instead I have to accept the fact that he is gone from us. We will try again but I at times I can only think about what if it happens again? What will we do? It's just not fair that babies die and leave parents feeling empty and lost and all of our questions left unanswered. WHY?? We are parents just a different type of parent, we are the parents of an Angel. We are honored yet saddened. But in time we will be with our precious son again. We miss you and think about you often, son.We love you always.

Mommy and Daddy

Friday, July 25, 2008

Hi Peanut

Hello my sweet peanut. I have missed you so much lately, more than normal. I still cant believe you are not here with me. Some days it still feels like I'm just waiting for you to come into this world but then that night is replayed in my head and I just lose it. I feel sometimes that I will never be able to move forward and the pain will never ease. Then I feel you around me and near me then I know I will be okay. I try to keep a positive outlook but its so hard many times because I hear about someone else having a sweet baby or someone being pregnant and it makes me sad for us. I cant say that I am jealous of what others have because I'm not, I am very happy but its so hard to not hurt because of what we are missing. Someone told me the other day that it takes a very special person to be the mother of an Angel that may be true, I feel blessed and so hurt at the same time because I miss you so much. You have showed us what true love and unending love is and for that we thank you and will never forget that life is so short. Baby, we love you so very much and are always proud of you. You are our everything.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

For My Daddy

Don't cry for me daddy.

I am right here.
Although you can't see me, I can see your tears.
I visit you often.

Go to work with you each day,
and when it's time to close your eyes, on your pillow is where I lay.
I hold your hand and stroke your hair and whisper in your ear.
If you're sad today daddy, remember I am here.
God took me home now, this we know is true.
But you will always be my daddy, even though I am not with you.
I will always be daddy's little Angel, we will never be apart.
For every time you think of me, please know I am always in your heart.

A Place Where Children Are

What kind of place would heaven be with all its streets of gold,
if all the souls, that dwell up there like yours and mine, were old?
How strange would heaven's music sound when harps begin to ring,
if children were not gathered 'round to help the angels sing.
The children that God sends to us are only just a loan,
He knows we need their sunshine to make the house a home.
We need the inspiration of a baby's blessed smile.
He doesn't say they've come to stay, just lends them for a while.
Sometimes it takes them years to do the work for which they come.
Sometimes in just a month or two our Father calls them home.
I like to think some souls up there bear not one sinful scar.
I love to think of heaven as a place where children are.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Hi Sweet Angel

Hello my sweet angel. Im sorry I haven't written to you in awhile. I miss you so much. I know that you are near me, you speak to me in many different ways and through different things. It amazes me how blind I was before but now I see so many things that say "Mommy I am here with you and I love you." I used to think people were being cruel when I would see something or hear something that reminded me of you but now I know they were signs from you, letting me know you were near. You mean the world to me my sweet boy. I think about you everyday and miss you everyday. I am so happy for you, you get to see how beautiful Heaven is, many of us here on earth can only dream of how beautiful it is until in time we are blessed to get to go there. I am so glad you get to be with your great grandpa and grandma, I know they are delighted to get to hold you and take care of you for mommy and daddy. Sending you many angel kisses my sweet baby. Mommy loves you so much. Good night baby.

Birth Certificates for Stillborns in Florida.

Today my mother in law found out that in the state of Florida you can get a stillborn birth certificate! You don't know how happy this made me to know that someone does recognize that we had our son. It makes me sad that some states wont recognize a child just because he/she died inside the womb. Its a sick feeling to know that they think your baby wasnt alive yet just because he hadnt entered this world yet. My child was living up until the day before I delivered him. I don't understand why that even crosses someones mind, what do they think we are going to deliver a doll or an alien?? Its like my mother in law said, they will put someone in jail because they killed a "fetus" but they wont recognize that its a living, breathing human? What sense does that make?? No one will ever understand what it means to a parent to have that birth certificate until they have lost their baby. To know that, that child isn't "hidden" just because it was born dead means so much to a greiving parent. We love to talk about our Angel babies as much as anyone else loves to talk about their live babies. Because they were alive at one point, only difference is, is that God needed ours and they were taken from our wombs and went straight to Heaven. I know this is going to be a long drawn out process but if its the last thing I do on this earth, I will do it. To be able to fight for other grieving parents is something I think I am supposed to do. It will happen, don't give up.
This is the link to the website to file for a birth certificate and death certificate.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

2 Months.....

Hello my sweet Angel, I cant believe its been 2 months since you've been gone. It hurts so bad, it seems like just a few days ago we were getting ready for you to come into this world. Now all we have left of you is a empty nursery, empty arms and a few pictures and the hole thats in our hearts. Oh my sweet boy, I wish I could hold you again, kiss your beautiful face, change your diaper, play with your cute little toes. All I get to do is only dream of those things and dream of how it should have been. I pray everyday that God will let me see you, for just 5 minutes one last time. But I know in God's own way I see you everyday, in my dreams, in my heart, in memory. But I want to see you in person, with you in my arms. I know one day I will see you again, but that seems to be so far away. I pray that when my time here is done and I do get to those big gates that you will be waiting for me on the other side to show me around that big place. I thought I would show you a few pictures of mommy when she was pregnant with you and of your room. I hope you enjoy them. I love you so much my darling son.

Love you always,

Monday, July 14, 2008

Hi Son.

Hello my sweet Angel, I've missed you so much. Today was my first day back at work and it was hard but I needed to try and get back into some sort of routine and try and find my "new normal". I wish you were here with me! Things would be so great if I could hold you in my arms and hear your beautiful giggle and see your smile. I know in time my days on earth will be over and I will see you again, but I wish you were here with me now! You should have been able to come home with me and daddy after you were born but God needed you. I wish I could go back to the week before and make the doctor do more, but I know we can never change what is supposed to happen. I know your body only passed through this earth for a moment but your soul will live on forever. You have left such a beautiful imprint on my heart and know that even though your earthly days didnt last long that I will never forget you or never stop loving you or never stop missing you. I love you so much my precious son.


Sunday, July 13, 2008

Baby Jay's Headstone

Friday, July 11, 2008

To speak or not to speak....

I came across a post today that really bothered me, a sweet lady who lost her daughter was upset about her sister speaking what should never be spoken....

~You know when I asked on here a few weeks ago about the signing the cards. Weither or not you all sign cards with your baby's name on it. And most of you that replyed said yes. So I was so happy bc I have been really wanting to sign Macayla's name on a card.
So my sister says I saw the birthday card you sent mom. And the way you signed it..... so I was like, yeah? And she said dont you think thats weird to do that? And I said no, everyone else gets to sign their cards with their baby's name on it. And she was like well everyone else's baby's are alive. I said so she is still my daughter and part of my family. And then she said it just shows that your really not over this yet................. WTF??? It has only been 6 months, do you expect me to be over it??? I will never be OVER this, In time I just hope to handle this pain better. There is no OVER this.

So for anyone out there wondering what you should say or what you really should not say the link at the top of the page will give you an idea. Please understand that we want you to speak to us but if you dont know what to say or not sure if what you are saying is going to hurt us, then please dont say it! If someone would have said that to me I think I would have vomited. Please try to put yourselves in our shoes and think of how you would feel if that was your child, and know that the loss of a child is something you dont ever "get over."

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Mommy's Love Goes With You

Hello my precious son, I just wanted to tell you how much I love and miss you. We are going to come visit you this weekend and bring you some flowers, and we are going to take some better pictures of your headstone. I saw the beautiful rainbows you sent to me and daddy this past week. I took some pictures of them with my phone but they didnt come out too well. Maybe next time I will have the camera with me. I hope you are enjoying being with all your great grandparents and your uncle up there. I know they will take care of you until mommy can come to be with you. I love you so very much son. I miss you everyday and think about you all the time. Daddy loves and misses you very much too. We hope you come to visit soon. We love you always baby.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

This pain...

The pain that you feel when you lose a child is something no one ever wants to feel. To go through each day just knowing that the sweet precious face that you dreamed about from the moment you found out you were pregnant you will never see again, is a lot of the times unbearable. Last night I was talking to my brother about things him and his fiance still needed for their baby they are expecting in October and for a moment I felt that I couldn't move or breath, because I know that when their baby gets here my precious Jay should have been 5 months old and he was going to be going with us to see his cousin. But he wont be there to welcome his first cousin and that brought me heartache. I will never see that sweet innocent face again and I will never get to see them become best friends or playing together, it hurts so much. The first thing that comes to mind when I think about what this pain feels like, is Jesus dying on the cross and how God felt. I know that He was angry for what this world did to His Son but he gave Him up so that we could repent for our sins and be forgiven. I know that we should never ask God why, but to loose a child that's the only thing that comes to mind a lot of the times is "why?" Because we do not understand why God has taken our child away from us, and we search for answers that will never be answered. This pain is a deep dark hole that sometimes I feel like I can not get out of. Somedays I feel that I am almost to the top of the dark hole almost finding sunlight but then I see another mommy with her newborn and see how happy she is, and I lose my footing and fall right back down to the bottom. Sometimes I feel that I will never get to the top where there is sunlight and happiness, but I know in time I will get there.

Hello my sweet Angel, mommy misses you so much. Daddy and I bought you some flowers yesterday, they are beautiful. Shelby loved them she was sniffing them and smiling up at you. I know she misses you too. Sometimes she goes in your room and brings all of her toys with her, in hopes that you want to play. I know she can see you cause sometimes she stares off into the unknown and you can tell she is smiling. She never did that before. Well baby boy, I will put the picture of the flowers on here so that you can see them. Mommy and daddy love you bunches.


Monday, July 7, 2008

Missing You

Hello my sweet Angel. Mommy misses you so much and wishes you could be here with her. There isnt a day that doesnt go by that I dont think about you. I think about what you would be doing, what your little giggle would sound like, what you would be wearing today. Would you be able to hold your head up? Would you be able to recognize me and daddy? Would you be tickleish like mommy? I dream about the day that I will be able to hold you in my arms again. Baby I miss you so much!! It hurts so bad to look at your daddy and know he is hurting and that there is nothing I can do to ease his pain. I wish that it didnt have to be this way but I know that you are in the best care and the best hands. Mommy is only second best to Jesus. Daddy always said only the very best for his precious boy and you have the very best and are in the best place. Even though we hurt for you everyday and wish you were here with us, we know that you are being taken care of and we do not have to worry about you hurting or being hurt. In a way I am glad you are with Jesus because you will never have to know what its like to hurt or know the hatred that exsists in this world, but the selfish part of me wants you here because of the hole left in our lives and hearts. I love you so much my sweet Angel and I miss you.

Love always,

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Poem from Grandma

In Memory of Baby Jay
May 15th, 2008
How my heart leapt with Joy
At the news of a Grandbaby,
A Boy!!
Ten little fingers and ten little toes,
Would you have your fathers eyes
And your mothers nose?
In a flash we were shopping---There's so much to buy,
Blankets, bottles, clothes and toys
Nothings too good for Grandma's Boy.
Dreams of giggles and grins, kisses and hugs,
A precious bundle for Grandma to love!
The call woke us from our sleep
My world was destroyed in one fell sweep.
As I held you and looked at your angel face
I prayed to God's good grace;
"Send angels to care for my Grandson
Keep him safe and warm
Until Grandmas' days on earth are done."

Friday, July 4, 2008

Hello my sweet baby boy, we are missing you so very much today and thinking about you. I feel that you are close by me today. I love you and miss you so very much. Shelby went swiming today at grandma and grandpa's, i know you probably enjoyed watching her. She was having a blast finally getting to swim again. I hope you enjoyed watching the fireworks, you got the best seat for watching fireworks, i bet it was beautiful from heaven. Well son, mommy misses you and hopes you visit soon.

Love you always my sweet peanut.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

October 15th Video (Baby Jay is in this one)....


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