Thank you Franchesca!

Songs for peanut

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Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Cord...

We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised…. I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away!

This poem has so much meaning to me. Its kind of ironic I guess in a sense considering the cord that connected Jay's life to me and kept him living those 37 wonderful weeks is what eventually killed him. But the cord that connects our hearts for eternity lives on forever. That cord will never become twisted and sever our lives again. I miss you my sweet angel. Its been too long since I've held you and God do I ever ache to hold you again. Soon, when it is my time.


Saturday, October 24, 2009



Been playing around with this new photo editing software I found, and I love it! I love this picture of Shelby and Baby Jay, her face just says it all for me. It looks like the face of pure innocence and love. The things that your eyes open up to when you realize God and His wonderfulness is right there next to you. I saw my son in a butterfly! God is amazing...

Friday, October 23, 2009


Sunset is drawing near,

Tomorrow is almost here,

Tomorrow is a new day,

Will I still miss him here

As long as the sun sets and rises,

I will always ache for him, miss him, cry for him, and yearn to hold him again.

Tomorrow is almost here,

Will tomorrow be the day?

Like his name written in the sand

And washed away by the ocean.

So be the tears that I cry by the sun setting on my day.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Secret Garden Meeting....

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

My husband, family and friends that I have met along this journey. After my sons passing my husband and I knew that we had to try again soon, 3 months later we were given the OK. So we did and knew 3 weeks later that we were pregnant again with his little brother. He is now what keeps me going forward. I did start this blog shortly after his passing and that has helped too, just to have a place to go that no one judges me and I can speak freely about what is on my mind at that moment. I like to have a place to write to him and remember the life that we shared. Songs, have also helped me remember him and "try" to be at peace with the question I will not get an answer to, the why?

One song that brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it is..."My Name" by George Canyon.

I know one of the biggest things for me is going to visit him at the cemetery, its peaceful there.


Sunday, October 18, 2009

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Our Candle for Jay.....

We love and miss you sweet boy. Until we meet again.

Mommy, Daddy, and baby brother Jacen

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

17 months.....

17 months tomorrow and I still do not have words. I am left feeling helpless to this day. This past week or so seems to be especially hard. I dont know if I am teetering on the edge of insanity or if its just a mother still seeking answers she will not find. Is it so much to ask why? Is it too hard to give an answer to that question? When will I know? Why cant I know now? They say "Life is what YOU make of it", is it really? I thought I was making a wonderful, happy life when we decided to get married and have a baby, but having a baby didnt turn out like we thought it would. So is my life this nightmare, because I MADE it that way? No it isnt. I did not chose for this to happen. I would have gladly taken his place in a heartbeat if I was given the chance. I would still trade places with him if God came to me right now and said I could. My time is not done, I am still learning my lessons, and my destiny is not fulfilled yet. When it is I will once again be reunited with my precious baby. Until then, I am made to wonder why and only remember what he smelled like, looked like, felt like. Or what he would be like today if he were here with me.
Jacen is my beautiful blessing and has been a gift from God. I can not imagine a day without him. I always wonder how it is done. It seems as though on the surface (if you didnt know me) that I am very happy and nothing is wrong. (as I have been told) But on the inside while I am happy that I have Jacen I am so very sad and "defeated" (for lack of a better word) that Jay is not here. How can you be two very different emotions at the same time? Who knows, God works in mysterious ways and ways that we will never understand. Who are we to question Him?
I love you my sweet son. I miss you with every breath I breathe. I can not wait for the day that we meet again. You are the love that I found from within, the light that guides me and the butterfly that shows me the strength within.

Love always,

October 15th Video (Baby Jay is in this one)....


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