Gerardo Orellana III: 17 months.....

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

17 months.....

17 months tomorrow and I still do not have words. I am left feeling helpless to this day. This past week or so seems to be especially hard. I dont know if I am teetering on the edge of insanity or if its just a mother still seeking answers she will not find. Is it so much to ask why? Is it too hard to give an answer to that question? When will I know? Why cant I know now? They say "Life is what YOU make of it", is it really? I thought I was making a wonderful, happy life when we decided to get married and have a baby, but having a baby didnt turn out like we thought it would. So is my life this nightmare, because I MADE it that way? No it isnt. I did not chose for this to happen. I would have gladly taken his place in a heartbeat if I was given the chance. I would still trade places with him if God came to me right now and said I could. My time is not done, I am still learning my lessons, and my destiny is not fulfilled yet. When it is I will once again be reunited with my precious baby. Until then, I am made to wonder why and only remember what he smelled like, looked like, felt like. Or what he would be like today if he were here with me.
Jacen is my beautiful blessing and has been a gift from God. I can not imagine a day without him. I always wonder how it is done. It seems as though on the surface (if you didnt know me) that I am very happy and nothing is wrong. (as I have been told) But on the inside while I am happy that I have Jacen I am so very sad and "defeated" (for lack of a better word) that Jay is not here. How can you be two very different emotions at the same time? Who knows, God works in mysterious ways and ways that we will never understand. Who are we to question Him?
I love you my sweet son. I miss you with every breath I breathe. I can not wait for the day that we meet again. You are the love that I found from within, the light that guides me and the butterfly that shows me the strength within.

Love always,
Mommy

No comments:

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)

Newborn's Conversation with God.....

A baby asked God,
"They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow,
but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"
God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have
to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.
And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words
you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will
teach you how to speak."
"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach
you how to pray."
"Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."
"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."
God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach
you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth
could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave
now, please tell me my angel's name."
God said, You will simply call her, "Mom."

Little Angels

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child Who does so much to make our world, seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold,
So He picks a rosebud, before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
and so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye." So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children, Angels are hard to find. --~Author Unknown

A MOTHER'S GRIEF

She carries such a heavy heart, her tears will often flow,

Seems everyone's avoiding her, seems no-one wants to know!

Her grief she carries all alone, nobody seems to care,

Or help her ease this burden, this burden she must bear.

Her baby has just left her, but where, where did he go?

Why did he have to leave so soon, and will she ever know?

A mother's grief's a lonely path, she only wants her child,

For other's understanding, their love, if only mild!

To talk of her lost baby, acknowledge her real pain,

To tell her life will soon be bright, she'll see her child again,

For he has gone to Heaven, an Angel up above,

Where there's no tears or dying, just great eternal love.

Try understand this mother's grief, praise God it was not you

That lost your precious, wanted child, for he was wanted too!

Oh Mother, my mother I touch your tears, Invisible fingers soothing your skin I know you think of me so often In the day, in the night, in your dreams Going inot an empty nursery Knowing I’ll never be there But I am…in your heart, in your soul, I shall always be For you gave so unselfishly of yourself Inside of you, you created Such a world for me A world of laughter, of love Of sadness, of sorrow Every emotion people come to know You shared with me. And even though I may never feel your arms around me I felt your heart beating, Like a lullaby, singing me to sleep. And your spirit giving me a safe haven Already protecting me, nurturing me Preparing me for things to come But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apart And yes, I had to go on to another place.I wish I could stay I wish this was a decision I could make And I know you do too. Know this, wherever you are: I will always remember that yours was the first love the first joy, the first soul I will ever know You gave me courage to Go on in my journey I hope I can do the same for you Your heart beat will always call me to you.

An Angel Never Dies..

Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.
Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone
This world was worthy,
not of me God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word,
I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time,
I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.
Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

What makes a mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here." He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart it's the love you had so much of Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother. Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"

My Dad is a Survivor

My dad is a survivor too which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my dad each day to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.
My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love.

Loss of Child

Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don't complain;
I have all of heaven's glory
suffering none of the world's pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me,
I'm thankful for all you've done.
I'll be waiting here for you in heaven up above.
I would have loved to stay with you,
And lived life by your side,
But the Lord has called me home,
I know it's hard to understand why.
Thank you mommy for making me,
You made me out of love,
I can't wait for the day I see you again
So you can see what I've become.
I'm an angel here in heaven,
The Lord's here by my side,
He wants me to let you know He's sorry he made you cry.
He has a plan for me up here,
And a plan for you here too,
Someday we'll be together again,
And this I know is true.

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too

Jerry's Secret

I'm just a little fellow who didn't quite make it there.
I went to be with Jesus, but I am waiting for you here.
Don't you fret about me mommy.
I'm among all of God's lambs, most blessed.
I'd have loved to stay with you there,
But the shepherd knows best.
Many dwellings here where I live,
They waited many years to enter and struggled through
a world of sorrow, there lives marred with sin.
So sweet mommy don't you sorrow, wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus' arms from my lovely mothers womb.
Daddy gave me something for you.
It's our secret mommy dear,
he pressed it tight against my forehead and whispered in my ear.
I'll be waiting for mommy and even daddy too.
I'll be with you then, forever and I'll give daddy's kiss to you.

Psalms 23

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down ingreen pastures;
he leadeth me beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul;
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil;
for thou art with me.
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Amen

Once upon a special day...In heaven up above...The tiniest souls sat at God's feet...Surrounded by his love...The time was coming...very soon...God said...'Do not be scared'...Your family awaits your arrival...Now let us get prepared...And so... God looked upon these souls...In mute consideration...He knew the life each one would live...He weighed each situation...The souls chatted amongst themselves...And wondered who they'd be...They knew the day grew closer...soon...They'd meet their family.'How would you like to change the world'?God asked each soul in fun...'The chance to make a difference'...Is held by only one.I'm going to make the world laugh...One soul said with a smile...For laughter heals a broken heart...And helps us through each trial...Then take with you the brightest smile...And share your laughter well...The soul thanked God immensly...And down to earth he fell.'And I'll remind the world to sing...A sweet little soul told the Lord...I have the gift of a beautiful voice...I can hit every note...every chord.You'll have the gift of music then...A voice...lovely and strong...Share your gift with others...And let them hear your song.I will show compassion....The next little soul raised his hand...Some people only need a friend...Someone to understand.Compassion is a good thing...God said with much delight...To you... I will give mercy...You'll perceive wrong from right.And so each soul...shared every thought...Their plans, their hopes, their dreams...As God explained that life...it is...Much harder than it seems.And as each soul began to leave...In a scurry of laughter and fun...Heaven became quiet...Left...was only one.Come sit with me my little child...God said with just a sigh...Do you know how many you will touch...In a world left wondering why?From the moment that your life begins...You... will know of strife...But you'll teach those who know you...To cherish the small things in life.And some may only know you...Through a simple photograph...They'll never hold you in their arms...Or memorize your laugh...Some may only know you...through the words they read each day...But you'll do something wonderful...You'll make them stop...to pray.The tiniest soul...raised her head up...To touch God's firm, strong hand...Father...I am ready for...The life...that you have planned.And I will do the best I can...Without a word or deed...For you Lord...are the planter...And I will be your seed.She could already hear many praying...And although they had not seen her face...They were praying for her safe arrival...They were asking for mercy and grace.What talent do I leave with Lord?What gift do you impart?All that you will need God said...I've placed within your heart.And so God kissed this tiny child...Knowing all that she would be...And whispered as he watched her go...You'll teach them...to see me.

Blog designed by Blogger Boutique using Danielle Engebretson's "Aurora" kit.