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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

17 months.....

17 months tomorrow and I still do not have words. I am left feeling helpless to this day. This past week or so seems to be especially hard. I dont know if I am teetering on the edge of insanity or if its just a mother still seeking answers she will not find. Is it so much to ask why? Is it too hard to give an answer to that question? When will I know? Why cant I know now? They say "Life is what YOU make of it", is it really? I thought I was making a wonderful, happy life when we decided to get married and have a baby, but having a baby didnt turn out like we thought it would. So is my life this nightmare, because I MADE it that way? No it isnt. I did not chose for this to happen. I would have gladly taken his place in a heartbeat if I was given the chance. I would still trade places with him if God came to me right now and said I could. My time is not done, I am still learning my lessons, and my destiny is not fulfilled yet. When it is I will once again be reunited with my precious baby. Until then, I am made to wonder why and only remember what he smelled like, looked like, felt like. Or what he would be like today if he were here with me.
Jacen is my beautiful blessing and has been a gift from God. I can not imagine a day without him. I always wonder how it is done. It seems as though on the surface (if you didnt know me) that I am very happy and nothing is wrong. (as I have been told) But on the inside while I am happy that I have Jacen I am so very sad and "defeated" (for lack of a better word) that Jay is not here. How can you be two very different emotions at the same time? Who knows, God works in mysterious ways and ways that we will never understand. Who are we to question Him?
I love you my sweet son. I miss you with every breath I breathe. I can not wait for the day that we meet again. You are the love that I found from within, the light that guides me and the butterfly that shows me the strength within.

Love always,

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