Thank you Franchesca!

Songs for peanut

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Monday, August 16, 2010


Today I find it incredibly hard to go forward. I miss you so much! The tears are flowing and won't stop. I want to find peace, I want to find comfort. But I don't see it happening, my heart hurts and my anger is growing, again. It's unfair. I had a brief flashback to the night he was born and saw how I lay in the hospital bed waiting his arrival. I cry because I want to be there again in that moment, so that I may prepare the memories all over again. Instead of being in a medicated state I would be awake and planning his arrival. I would take more pictures, I would get molds of his feet and hands, I would bring his whole closet if I could so that we may see him in HIS clothes. I would wrap my arms around him for days if they would have let me, instead of the measly 10 minutes I took. I would unwrap him from his blanket and look at him, I would take off his little hat to see his beautiful hair. I would kiss him and hug him all night.

Grief comes and goes on its own accord. Some days it hits hard and others its there but it doesn't consume me as it does today.

So for now to ease this sorrow and pain, I will take his little brother and hold him tight and not let him go until he screams for me to do so, and maybe even then I won't. :)

I love you my dear son and I miss you so very much.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

27 long months without you......

Everyday is still the same, painful. I can't believe 27 months have come and gone. I can't believe this pain still is as strong as it was the moment I found out you were gone. Everyone says "it gets easier as time goes by..." I don't believe it, 2 years and 3 months later and it still feels like I am hit by a truck every morning when I wake up and remember "its not a dream, my son really is dead" All of the "what if's" and "could have beens" and "should bes" still follow me daily.

I look at that sweet little boy you saved almost 16 months ago and smile because you are my son and that wonderful thing you did was and still is amazing. Many don't believe me, some have even told me I need to seek help. But no doctor or amount of help would matter, because I am not sick. I don't know why it is so hard for some people to believe that angels come to do God's work and save people daily. Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there.

I am in waiting now, waiting for the day when I get to see your beautiful face again. I am waiting for the moment to hold you again. I am waiting to see your beautiful smile, and hear your wonderful laugh, and see you playing with the other children who live in Heaven. I am waiting....

I think about you everyday, every moment and think to myself "how could this have happened?" But I know God had a higher plan for your life and I have to accept that, some days I do and others I find it hard to do.

I love you and miss you so much.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


Thank you for all your prayers. They have found her and she is doing well. They found her across the street from her own home at a neighbors who was not at home. She is 82 and has dementia so she thought it was her house.

I am glad she is safe and back with her family. This is my real father's mother and even though we have had rough times, I would never wish anything bad to happen to him or his family.

What a crazy day, but glad it ended well.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My grandma is missing....

If anyone living near Chickasha, Ok has seen her, please call the local police. News story click the link to view.

She is 82 and has dementia. I don't know much else as that side of my family doesn't talk to my brother or I. But I certainly dont want anything bad to happen to her.

Please pray that they find her and she is fine.

October 15th Video (Baby Jay is in this one)....


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