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Songs for peanut

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Monday, September 29, 2008

Just thoughts....

Hello sweet baby. Mommy is missing you so much! I wish I could be with you, hold you again kiss your sweet face one more time. In time I know, I just have to be patient. Why did you have to go? I just dont understand, what did I do that made God take you away? I thought I was doing everything right, but I guess I wasnt, somewhere I did something wrong. Did I make God mad at me? I am at that anger stage in this grieving, just out of nowhere sometimes I get so angry I feel like just beating something, anything! I want my baby here with me! Everything anyone says to me makes me upset a lot of the times. Even if I know what they mean, its like my brain is telling me something that isnt right. It always feels like everyone is out to hurt me even more. I know in reality they arent but I guess the anger clouds your judgement sometimes. It always seems like everyone only thinks about their pain and oh how much they hurt, yes I know they do hurt but I feel that no one thinks I know all too well what its like, mine and daddy's pain are 100 times worse than anyones. My head is a mess, between trying to process others feeling and trying my best to keep myself together and this new baby thats coming I feel as if im just mush. I dont know how to manage, I dont know how to take things, I dont know what to feel, I dont know what to do, I dont know how I am supposed to react to people. I just dont know. Everyone says that they are so proud of me and think I am dealing well, but I think you are wrong, you can not see the inside. I may smile on the outside and laugh but thats because I have to. I have to smile and talk to people still otherwise they are uncomfortable with me-- most are uncomfortable around me now either way. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to just pick up and start new as if nothing ever happend? Im not, I have to just try to "deal" with the new normal. Everyone is so quick to get snappy when they hear something they dont like too, and I am getting to a point where I just dont care anymore, If I hurt your feelings well I dont feel you should be the one to say well its because you are going through a rough time because you know what your "rough" time is a cake walk in comparison. I am not saying your pain doesnt matter because it does, we were all affected and will forever be changed. I am saying before everyone starts getting snippy with me they need to understand it wasnt them that actually has to live this horrible nightmare, yes you are affected by it but you dont live it everyday over and over and every moment of that night is replayed over in your head. You dont have to think about the should of's and would of's and the what if's. Well I wasnt meaning to make this post about me, I wanted to tell my son about his garden, so I will give up for now. We finished your garden this weekend. It looks beautiful. Grandpa and Grandma O made a windchime and stepping stone for you, they look amazing. I will post some pictures for you. I love you my precious boy. I miss you every moment of everyday.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

New cousin...

Hello sweet angel baby, I miss you so much. I wanted to share the good news with you. Your cousin Ethan was born today! He weighed in at 7 pounds 4 ounces. I know you were looking after him as he took his journey into this world and will continue to look after him. We love you so much sweet boy. I wish you were here, I am really missing you these days. I love you my precious son.


Monday, September 15, 2008

4 months...

Hello my sweet baby, its been 4 months since you've been gone and we miss you like crazy. We dream of the day that we will be able to hold you again. We miss you so much. I still can not believe you are gone. Life seems so unreal and not what it used to be. It never will be the way it used to be ever again. I would not change my life at all. We can not look at everything as bad, yes we dont have you in our arms but we have you and thats what matters. I tell everyone I know I would not wish that this never happened because even though I met you this way, I was blessed to be able to meet you at all. Yes I would love to be able to hold you again even if for just a moment. You are my son and I am happy and blessed that you are. You are my everything. I wanted to share these pictures, the first is your little footprints. The second is a blanket I made for you, it looks a little rough because mommy isnt good at sewing and its not quite finished yet. I still have to put the picture transfers on and I need to fix the corners (they look bad) I hope you like it. I love you my sweet peanut. I will be sending you some balloons later and I'll post those pictures as well. Me and daddy are going to clean up your garden and put your bench together next weekend, I will put those pictures up here too for you to see. I love you baby boy.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I just don't understand....

There is one thing I don't think I will ever understand. Why do bad things always seem to happen to good people?? I talk to mommies all the time on a message board that I am always at and at least half of them have had 2 or more stillborn babies or miscarriages. Why does anyone have to go through this horrible pain?? I just dont understand!!! Why does God allow this to happen? Of course these are questions we will never get the answer to but I just cant help it. I know God never wants this to happen but I mean really He created this world and made beautiful mountains out of nothing!! Can He not say, "sweet child you need to stay with your mommies and daddies for awhile longer" Please Lord I know you know what I am thinking and saying, I just dont understand. We need your guidance and understanding. I pray so hard for all the mommies who have lost children, no one deserves this. No one! It makes me angry sometimes when I think about how hard and how bad some of these mommies just want to have living babies in their arms and hurt so bad and they may never get that chance. They try and try and keep getting shot down. WHY?? They dont deserve this.

You know who you are, if you are reading this know that I am praying for you and you will get your sweet baby one day. Dont give up!! Never give up. We all love and care about you, we are here if you need us.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Sums it all up....

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes. Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Hello angel baby...

hello my sweet angel boy. Im sorry I haven't written to you in awhile. How are you doing up there in Heaven? Has your great grandpa and grandma told you any silly stories about your mommy? I know they have many to tell. Your cousin Ethan will be on his way to coming into the world in a couple weeks. We are excited about him coming. I am sorry he wont get the chance to meet you. But he will know you and know how wonderful you were and still are. He will be proud to be your cousin. We all love and miss you so very much baby boy. I came to visit you yesterday, its always so peaceful sitting there beside you just talking and singing. Listening to the birds chirping and feeling you beside me. I love it there. Its always so hard to leave. As you already know cause I am sure you had a little something to do with it, your daddy and I are expecting your baby brother or sister. We are excited but we are so scared too. But we know you and Jesus are with us and we will be ok. We will always be ok with you and Jesus beside us. I love you precious baby and I miss you always, I think about you everyday. Daddy loves and misses you very much too. Oh i forgot, Daddy got his tattoo this past weekend, it looks great! Its your beautiful face. We both love it, we get to see you everyday. He said it hurt a little bit, I think he was just being a silly. :) Ok sweetheart, I love you.


Catching up

Well I have been a bit behind on posting, so heres to catch up. A few weeks ago I decided I would try to see if the funeral home might by chance still have the clothes and blanket that they picked up the baby in from the hospital and of course they do keep those items, but only for 60 days and by time I even thought about it, it was too late. They had already thrown them out. I wasnt upset but a little bummed considering I never even thought to ask for them after the funeral or before. How do you think about something like that when all you can think about is having to bury your baby? I couldnt understand why they dont at least let you know that they will keep these items for you in case you would like to have them. I didnt even know that they kept them until I called of course too late. Then I also wanted to see if the hospital might happen to have any pictures of him without his hat on, the wonderful nurses at the hospital that night were thoughtful enough to take pictures for us but unfortunately they all have his hat on. Of course being in the state that we were in that night, we didnt think that we might want to see him without his hat or look him over because that would be our only chance to do so. So I called up there and one sweet and wonderful nurse told me that they actually have a perfessional photographer that comes in and takes a couple pictures of babies after they are born. Well I was so excited to finally be able to see my son without his hat on, only once again to be brought down. Come to find out the nurse had to call this photographer to find out where our pictures were and she tells the nurse "oh the 3 pictures we took they are all black and you cant even see the baby, and theres one that you can just barely see the top of his hat." the nurse asked her why she didnt bother to call them or anything so that they could let us know. Her response was "well most people dont even want these pictures anyways so I didnt think it was a big deal" OMG talk about I was furious!!! How can you even say that?? I bet you that if you talked to any mother and father who had just lost their babies if they would want pictures of their child, I bet you they would say I would pay anything to have them! I had no idea that they even had someone come in and take pictures, thats why no one ever gets them IS BECAUSE THEY DONT KNOW THEY ARE THERE!!!!! And why the hell would you only take 3 pictures??? What are you a moron? Seriously, a baby has just died and the mother and father are never going to have another chance to take pictures of their child or make memories of them, so lets see, im only going to take 3 pictures of their child for them so that if all of them are screwed up they wont have any at all. OH WELL NOT MY PROBLEM!! She may not have said that but thats exactly what it feels like. You may say well she doesnt have to take these pictures at all and you are right she doesnt. But if that was me, I would say you know what this is the last chance these parents are going to get to see their precious baby how bout we give them pictures that they will remember and be able to have forever. And lets take more than 3 so that if any of them happen to get messed up there will be others that they will have!

October 15th Video (Baby Jay is in this one)....


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