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Monday, September 29, 2008

Just thoughts....

Hello sweet baby. Mommy is missing you so much! I wish I could be with you, hold you again kiss your sweet face one more time. In time I know, I just have to be patient. Why did you have to go? I just dont understand, what did I do that made God take you away? I thought I was doing everything right, but I guess I wasnt, somewhere I did something wrong. Did I make God mad at me? I am at that anger stage in this grieving, just out of nowhere sometimes I get so angry I feel like just beating something, anything! I want my baby here with me! Everything anyone says to me makes me upset a lot of the times. Even if I know what they mean, its like my brain is telling me something that isnt right. It always feels like everyone is out to hurt me even more. I know in reality they arent but I guess the anger clouds your judgement sometimes. It always seems like everyone only thinks about their pain and oh how much they hurt, yes I know they do hurt but I feel that no one thinks I know all too well what its like, mine and daddy's pain are 100 times worse than anyones. My head is a mess, between trying to process others feeling and trying my best to keep myself together and this new baby thats coming I feel as if im just mush. I dont know how to manage, I dont know how to take things, I dont know what to feel, I dont know what to do, I dont know how I am supposed to react to people. I just dont know. Everyone says that they are so proud of me and think I am dealing well, but I think you are wrong, you can not see the inside. I may smile on the outside and laugh but thats because I have to. I have to smile and talk to people still otherwise they are uncomfortable with me-- most are uncomfortable around me now either way. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to just pick up and start new as if nothing ever happend? Im not, I have to just try to "deal" with the new normal. Everyone is so quick to get snappy when they hear something they dont like too, and I am getting to a point where I just dont care anymore, If I hurt your feelings well I dont feel you should be the one to say well its because you are going through a rough time because you know what your "rough" time is a cake walk in comparison. I am not saying your pain doesnt matter because it does, we were all affected and will forever be changed. I am saying before everyone starts getting snippy with me they need to understand it wasnt them that actually has to live this horrible nightmare, yes you are affected by it but you dont live it everyday over and over and every moment of that night is replayed over in your head. You dont have to think about the should of's and would of's and the what if's. Well I wasnt meaning to make this post about me, I wanted to tell my son about his garden, so I will give up for now. We finished your garden this weekend. It looks beautiful. Grandpa and Grandma O made a windchime and stepping stone for you, they look amazing. I will post some pictures for you. I love you my precious boy. I miss you every moment of everyday.

1 comment:

Travelwahine said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know what you mean about feeling angry. But you know what, hit something anything. Throw stuff. I remember pounding on the tile floor right after Ethan died. And it helped, it helped a lot.

Thinking of you and Jerry. Maybe Jerry is even playing in Heaven with my baby boy Ethan.


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