This pain...

The pain that you feel when you lose a child is something no one ever wants to feel. To go through each day just knowing that the sweet precious face that you dreamed about from the moment you found out you were pregnant you will never see again, is a lot of the times unbearable. Last night I was talking to my brother about things him and his fiance still needed for their baby they are expecting in October and for a moment I felt that I couldn't move or breath, because I know that when their baby gets here my precious Jay should have been 5 months old and he was going to be going with us to see his cousin. But he wont be there to welcome his first cousin and that brought me heartache. I will never see that sweet innocent face again and I will never get to see them become best friends or playing together, it hurts so much. The first thing that comes to mind when I think about what this pain feels like, is Jesus dying on the cross and how God felt. I know that He was angry for what this world did to His Son but he gave Him up so that we could repent for our sins and be forgiven. I know that we should never ask God why, but to loose a child that's the only thing that comes to mind a lot of the times is "why?" Because we do not understand why God has taken our child away from us, and we search for answers that will never be answered. This pain is a deep dark hole that sometimes I feel like I can not get out of. Somedays I feel that I am almost to the top of the dark hole almost finding sunlight but then I see another mommy with her newborn and see how happy she is, and I lose my footing and fall right back down to the bottom. Sometimes I feel that I will never get to the top where there is sunlight and happiness, but I know in time I will get there.

Hello my sweet Angel, mommy misses you so much. Daddy and I bought you some flowers yesterday, they are beautiful. Shelby loved them she was sniffing them and smiling up at you. I know she misses you too. Sometimes she goes in your room and brings all of her toys with her, in hopes that you want to play. I know she can see you cause sometimes she stares off into the unknown and you can tell she is smiling. She never did that before. Well baby boy, I will put the picture of the flowers on here so that you can see them. Mommy and daddy love you bunches.

Love,
Mommy