Monday, August 25, 2008
Well we found out today that we are pregnant again. My feelings I would say right now are calm, excited, and scared. I think once we start going to doctor visits the worrying and scared feelings with be with me until we have this baby. We are just trying to enjoy these first few weeks, I know that will be easier said then done. I'm already worried and scared. But we are going to do everything we can to make sure this baby comes home with us. I just can not believe that it happened as fast as it did last time. I mean I was thinking the whole time we were trying again that what if God does not want me to have any more children? What if I am not meant to have any living children at all? What if something happens again? What will we do? How will we handle it? So much is going through my head right now. So much stress and so much to consider and so much to worry about. I am so very excited at the thought of finally getting to hold a living breathing child in my arms and getting to sing them to sleep but a part of me is so scared that that dream will never happen. I know so many mommies now who have lost 5 or more babies and it just breaks my heart for them. I keep asking myself what if I end up the same way? They are such strong women and I wish I could give them what they so badly deserve and hope and pray for every day. I pray for them and I also pray for us (not to sound selfish). Will we be able to handle multiple losses like that if that happens to be our destiny? I don't think I could. Everyone has always said to me that it takes a very special and strong person to be the mommy of an Angel, yes I agree. But I believe it takes an extraordinary person to be the mommy to multiple Angels. I can only imagine what they feel and hurt. I can only hope and pray that I dont have to one day try and be that person. I wish they didnt have to be that person. No one should have to. I don't want to be extraordinary, I just want to be a mommy to a living, breathing child.
at 7:38 PM