Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

I submitted our story here, this is a wonderful place to put a face to all the mommies you associate with through this nightmare. Go check it out and grab their button...(my face is on it!:))

The visit...

I went to the cemetery today for a visit since I havent been out there since April. I first went out there and realized I hadn't changed his flowers since April! Everything still looked fine but his flowers were old and dirty and faded. I went and bought him some new ones and came back and sat there with him and Jacen sitting beside me playing. I loved that moment. For one short brief moment...I was with both of my boys. I didn't want to leave but I knew it was time, it was getting very hot and Jacen was getting fussy. One brief moment we were all together, the way it SHOULD have been.

Then on the drive home I heard this song I have not heard before, "If I Die Young"...and I cried all the way home..and all I could think about was

If I die young...bury me beside my son, If I die young don't cry for me because I am home. If I die young, hold my hand and bury me with love and know that I will see you again. Bury me with a picture of me and BOTH of my sons.

26 months...

Hello baby boy. 26 months have come and gone and there isnt a day that has gone by that I dont think of you. I love you more than anything.

Many days now I don't know what to say or what to even think. But I do know for sure that my sons are the world to me and I will love them to the end of time. My angel for what ever reason could not stay here and then his little brother came and he was there to save him. I know his purpose and even though I am sad and heartbroken that he is not here with me, it makes me so very proud to be his mother and know that his death had a reason that is beyond anything I can even began to comprehend.

Today I am going to hug my son a little more and tell him I love him a little more and to my son in heaven, I will think about him more, and just love being his mommy more than I ever have if that is even possible. I ask you to pray for Ashley's family. They are missing another piece of their family today. He is a brother, a son, a grandson, a friend, a nephew and an UNCLE that will be missed by his family and friends.

2 year anniversary.....

I meant to post this on the 4th of July weekend, but we got kind of busy.

July 4th marked the 2nd anniversary for the blog!

I wish I would have run into blogging before Jay passed and would have had more memories posted here for him and us to look back on but unfortunately I didn't even know blogging existed until after he had passed away.

I love and miss you so much my darling boy.