Christmas Tree...

I know this is late but here goes. Every year now that Jay has been gone, (this is the 3rd Christmas for you who are keeping track.) I have gone out to put up his Christmas tree at his spot at the cemetery. Its something I love to do for him. It makes me feel like I am still being mommy. I dont know why its a tree, not like putting on his shoes or buttoning up his jacket for him or hugging or kissing him. But since he is in Heaven this makes me feel like I am still able to be his mommy.I love being out there anyways, its his place, our place to connect and be at peace with him. (I know HE is not there its just the shell that he left behind, but as humans we tend to hold onto what we know and his body is what I knew and know.)

This year I asked everyone in our family if they would like they could send a Christmas ornament that they made, bought or one from their collections that reminded them of him. We love everyone of them that were sent! Thank you all so much!  His tree this year turned out beautiful. Not only because it is his tree but because it has a little bit of something from the whole family.

This last one is one that we got for our tree at home, I love it! A seashell with a pearl that says "every life leaves something beautiful behind."

31 months in heaven...

I miss you more and more each day. I love you more and more each day. But sadly I forget with each passing day what you smelled like, what you looked like ( I look at your picture daily to remember) and what you felt like in my arms. This is one of the most horrible parts of grief, the forgetting. Not only do we have to try and live without you, but we also forget things that we wanted to hold in our memories forever, but time does not work that way. They slip from your memory without a warning. You will always be in our hearts and one day we will meet you again but while we are here on earth we wish that we could remember those things that time has taken away from us.

I think about you multiple times a day and day dream about the day that we get to meet again. What a wonderful day that will be! Until that day comes, I will hold onto every memory of you that I can, I will look back on everything I have written down or that are in photos so that I dont forget. I will never ever forget YOU, because "you are the one and only ever you!" (you know I love that book!) My sweet sweet child.

As you already know, mommy is expecting another little brother or sister for you and Jacen. Please look after him or her. I know you and God do a wonderful job. I am so proud of you my beautiful child. I could have never been more blessed. *Thank you Father for my beautiful children and the little pea growing within me, you are truly amazing in all your wonders. Please tell my son I love him very much and give him kisses from me.*

"The Shack".....

I borrowed this book from my mother in law a long time ago, but couldn't bring myself to pick it up until the other night I saw it sitting in my closet and felt a strange want to read it. So I picked it up and read it all by the next night. If you have not read this book it is simply amazing. You will shed tears so grab a box of tissue!

I cried a lot while reading this book due to the fact that the character Mack and I share religious view after the death of our children. For a long time I have been angry at God and questioned Him and blamed Him, for not making this better. The dialogue Mack has with God is simply amazing! I could almost feel like I was in his shoes and it was God and I who were having this much needed talk.

I found myself today as I was out and about looking at strangers and remembering what Mack and God spoke about and pushed any judgment out of my mind. The particular part in the book when Sophia tells Mack that he must choose 2 of his own children that will go to heaven and 3 that will go to hell, just broke my heart. When she then tells him that this is how God feels each and everyday when we demand Him to condemn one of His own to hell, for crimes they have committed or whatever the reason may be, before they have had the chance to even repent for their sin and be forgiven. Which is why Jesus chose to die for us! So that we may be forgiven!

I must say that I am trying. I have been trying for awhile now to let the anger and hostility towards God go. It has been working and I am continuing to improve and trying to be closer to God again. I miss those moments with Him.

I recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with this battle.

"The Shack"
By William P. Young