The "what ifs and whys" are haunting me again...........

Tonight I was on Pinterest browsing like I always do when the babies have gone to bed, and came across something that stopped me in my tracks.

It was a picture of twin babies born early. The caption read something to the effect: one twin wasnt expected to survive, the parents fought to have them put in the same incubator, the stronger twin put his/her arm around the weaker one and the weaker ones heart rate stabilized and survived. A lady commented that its called the "healing hug" and stated that it was true for mothers in the same sort of situation.After delivering and the child is in danger the mother takes them and holds them and the baby sometimes will stabilize and be fine.

Of course my over active mind started yelling WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY THAT? What if you just took him in your arms immediately after he was born and just held him and sang to him and just touched his beautiful face?!?! They asked me if I wanted to see him right away or if I wanted them to take him and give him a bath and clean him up first. For some idiotic reason I said give him a bath first......WTF WAS I THINKING???? I'm not saying that the "healing hug or touch" would have worked in our situation, but seriously what was I thinking? I wish that I could go back and say I want him right away! Just to hold him, to see him, to touch his skin, to breathe in his sweet smell. To memorize everything about him. And maybe just maybe because what if holding him right then would have done something miraculous??

I believe in God, I believe that He performs miracles everyday. I believe that through Him ANYTHING is possible.  I believe that everything He does is for a reason. But what if that night I didn't catch on? What if that night Jay could have been the little miracle the world needed to see to keep faith that God does still exist? (I'm not trying to sound like I'm questioning God here, but rather myself. I was pretty doped up on morphine and I don't even know what else.)  I wasn't in the right frame of mind to think through all of this clearly.

Sometimes when I am having a flashback (they still happen quite often) I feel that I am but a touch away from him. That I am still there in that dark hospital room holding him, and I almost hear myself telling that person in the bed to do all of the things I did not do. (I know this may not make sense, I am aware.) WHY didn't I think to do any of the stuff I think of now?  Sometimes those thought bring me to tears, because not only is the memory of his face fading but I do not have the memories I wish I had.