October 15th, 2012

For all the sweet babies called home far too soon. We love and miss you all dearly.

I love you my sweet boy. I miss you and think about you everyday.

4 years gone....

I am so far late on posting this but I want to get it down before I start forgetting.

Note: You wont see Jacen in any of these photos because he was asleep in the car, he wasnt feeling very good.

                                                                     Our little angel.

                                                                 Kayleigh and Daddy

                                                        Grandma O releasing her balloon with Kayleigh's help.

                                                         Grandpa O releasing his balloon.

                                         Balloons from mommy, daddy, Jacen and Kayleigh.

                                                       Roses from Mommy and Kayleigh.

                                                            Kayleigh helping lay her rose

                                                                        Jay's butterfly.

                                                                Daddy and Jacen's rose.

                                                        Grandma O and Uncle Steven's rose

                                                                   Grandpa O's rose

       Roses from Gramma, Grandpa V, Aunt Vicki, Uncle Terry , Aunt Cylina and cousins Ethan, Liam and Olivia.

                                                        Lighting our candles in his memory.

To think that our lives changed in this way 4 years ago is unimaginable. I never thought I would be sitting here 4 years later with 2 beautiful children and one angel in Heaven. All because God had a different plan for us. For Jay. To say that I have healed, gone on, or moved on is just not true. Every day I think about that night and what I wish I would have done, what I wish I would have known. Every day I think about what I wish I would have known just the day before his fate changed. I think about his funeral and the preparations we had to began making right out of the hospital. Every day I think about what he would be like as an adventurous little boy like this little brother. To think that this is the way we have to celebrate his birthdays is heartbreaking. But we will celebrate his life until my last breath. He will not be forgotten, ever. He has so many people that love him, I cant help but smile when I think about what a beautiful Angel he is. 4 years gone, 4 years I have missed him, 1460 days have gone by and my arms have ached for him every one of those days. I have missed the smell of his sweet skin, I have missed the feel of him wiggling inside me. I have missed his heart beating under my own heart. Every single second I have missed him, and that will never change......

Happy 4th birthday in Heaven my love.

The "what ifs and whys" are haunting me again...........

Tonight I was on Pinterest browsing like I always do when the babies have gone to bed, and came across something that stopped me in my tracks.

It was a picture of twin babies born early. The caption read something to the effect: one twin wasnt expected to survive, the parents fought to have them put in the same incubator, the stronger twin put his/her arm around the weaker one and the weaker ones heart rate stabilized and survived. A lady commented that its called the "healing hug" and stated that it was true for mothers in the same sort of situation.After delivering and the child is in danger the mother takes them and holds them and the baby sometimes will stabilize and be fine.

Of course my over active mind started yelling WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY THAT? What if you just took him in your arms immediately after he was born and just held him and sang to him and just touched his beautiful face?!?! They asked me if I wanted to see him right away or if I wanted them to take him and give him a bath and clean him up first. For some idiotic reason I said give him a bath first......WTF WAS I THINKING???? I'm not saying that the "healing hug or touch" would have worked in our situation, but seriously what was I thinking? I wish that I could go back and say I want him right away! Just to hold him, to see him, to touch his skin, to breathe in his sweet smell. To memorize everything about him. And maybe just maybe because what if holding him right then would have done something miraculous??

I believe in God, I believe that He performs miracles everyday. I believe that through Him ANYTHING is possible.  I believe that everything He does is for a reason. But what if that night I didn't catch on? What if that night Jay could have been the little miracle the world needed to see to keep faith that God does still exist? (I'm not trying to sound like I'm questioning God here, but rather myself. I was pretty doped up on morphine and I don't even know what else.)  I wasn't in the right frame of mind to think through all of this clearly.

Sometimes when I am having a flashback (they still happen quite often) I feel that I am but a touch away from him. That I am still there in that dark hospital room holding him, and I almost hear myself telling that person in the bed to do all of the things I did not do. (I know this may not make sense, I am aware.) WHY didn't I think to do any of the stuff I think of now?  Sometimes those thought bring me to tears, because not only is the memory of his face fading but I do not have the memories I wish I had.