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Sunday, May 19, 2013

5 years

May 15th, 2008 is a day that is etched into my soul. It didn't start like any other day, it didn't end like any other day. It began at 12: 47am with contractions and ended with my baby boy dead. It still brings me to my knees some days. There are still days I can hear a song and it breaks my heart all over again. I have moments where I have flashbacks to that night, where smells come alive, where conversations are relived. Those are moments that bring me to my knees. That is a night I wish I could do over. A night I wish didn't end the way it did.

May 16th was a day I wish I could forget. The day I had to leave the hospital without my baby. I should have been ecstatic about leaving with my newborn baby, nervous about coming home to being a new mom, but instead I left with heavy, aching arms. I remember staring out the window the whole way home, not wanting to look into the back seat because doing so would have broken me.

May 20th was the last time I saw his beautiful face. Instead of exhausted from taking care of a newborn, we were exhausted from grief and shock. I had wished this day to never come from the moment I saw the empty chamber on the ultrasound machine. Yet here it was. I don't remember getting dressed, I don't remember the drive to the funeral home. I do remember standing in front of his casket and feeling so broken, so alienated from this world. I remember feeling abandoned. I remember feeling as though I had let him down by not knowing that he was trying to tell me that something was wrong.

I am so very happy that God put you in my life. So many beautiful things have happened because of you. Happy 5th birthday in Heaven sweet boy.
"Heaven holds you until I do"
Love you always.

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