nightmares....

Hello sweet angel, I'm sorry I have not written to you in awhile. Know that I think about you everyday. Me and daddy came to visit you last saturday it was very peaceful just to sit and talk with you. I know you have changed my life so much and in so many ways. I feel that I have finally accepted that you had to go and be with Jesus and I am so happy for you, I will be there one day with you. Mommy loves you and will always love you. I will never forget you. Seems that every time we have an appointment coming up I always have nightmares the few nights before, sometimes they seem to take me over and I can not help but run to the doctors office to make sure your little brother is alright. They are so scary and hard to just pass off as "mommy is worried and scared" sometimes they feel so real, I wake up sometimes on the verge of screaming and wanting to run away. But when I look at your picture it always comforts me back to a peaceful sleep. I havent sent you any balloons yet but I am on saturday, so be ready for them. Sorry my thoughts seem so random, I just write whatever comes to mind. I love you my precious son.

Love,
Mommy

In Memory of baby Jay, made by uncle Terry

I'll Hold You in Heaven

I'll Hold You in Heaven

From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain.
I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.
I'll hold you in heaven someday,
When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;
I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

Hello Son...

Hello sweet boy. I'm sorry I did not post anything to you on your 5 month angelversary, but I did go out to visit you and a dear friend of mine wanted to come visit you too so she was there along with her son. It was very special knowing that others want to come to visit you too and I am glad. I hope you got all of your balloons, I forgot the camera so I didnt get pictures but it was very sweet. We all let go of balloons for you and it was very nice. Bry even talked to you for a little bit it was very sweet. It just amazes me the innocence of a child, he spoke to you as if you were his best friend and he had know you forever. I was truely touched. It absolutely lifted my heart. I love you my sweet baby. There is no one else like you my son, you touched this world and many people and you never spoke a word or even drew one breath of earths air. You truly amaze me. Some days its like a river one minute I feel as if I am completely content and feel as if I CAN continue living but some days I feel like I am on those rapid waters and am angry and frusterated and just dont understand. You keep me going, just by knowing that I will get to see you and hold you again always keeps me going. When I am down all I have to do is picture your beautiful face and remember I will hold you again and I feel alright. When our time on earth is done I will meet you at the gates of Heaven, me and daddy will meet you there and it will be the sweetest day because once again our little family will be complete. Please watch over your little brother or sister and keep them safe. We love you so much peanut and miss you everyday. Until that sweet day we meet again. I love you.

Love,
Mommy