14 months....

Hello baby. I am not going to say the normal, "i cant believe its been this long" because you know that already. What I am going to say is that I love you so very much and miss you so very much. As if you dont know that already too but it feels much better to say that instead. I have to say since Jacen has been here I have felt much more at peace with your passing. Why? I cant really say for sure, but I think it is because you are constantly with me and I can feel you here. Sure some people have told me I am crazy and there is no such thing as angels but you know what when they have been through something of this magnitude then they can talk to me about what they believe then. Of course we all have our doubts, even I did at one time, but I dont anymore. I have seen you just as well as I see Jacen and daddy everyday. You were standing next to me in the operating room when Jacen had to be delivered by emergency c-section. I looked over and there you were standing off to my right. You didnt look young but you didnt look old either. I knew at that moment Jacen would be fine and the rest of my life was going to be alright. Even though you arent here in the flesh you are with me always in spirit. Jacen sees you always (he loves when you visit) Just the other night I was sitting in his rocking chair putting him to bed and he is just staring at this one corner of the room and just smiling and laughing so hard. Then I guess you moved to another place in the room cause he followed you. It was the sweetest thing. And the best feeling in the world for me to have both of my precious babies right there with me. I love you with all my heart baby and miss you constantly. Thank you for coming into my life, thank you for being with me and showing me what life is really all about. Thank you for constantly amazing me and showing me that life is still good and will be ok because you are with me.

I learned the new little Angel's name that I was telling you about. She is a sweet little girl named Sydney. Show her that she can be there for her mommy even though she is in heaven like you are. Her mommy needs her very much right now.

I love you sweetheart. See you soon,
Mommy

hello baby.....

Hello baby. Today was a day. A friend asked me about how we got through the early weeks following your passing, because a friend of hers has just lost a little one too. I let her know that the mommies at www.babycenter.com is what helped me, but also family is what really helped me. It just broke my heart all over again when she said that her friend was going through this horrible nightmare too. In those first few seconds I was once again in that delivery room on that horrible night, reliving that night over again in a matter of seconds. All those hard, raw, horrible emotions all came back. Not that I dont hurt and long to hold you everyday but those very confusing and nightmarish feelings came back with overwhelming pain. Made me hurt for you even more. I wish no parent had to live this nightmare. But unfortunately we can only offer our shoulder to cry on and be a listening ear. I miss you so much dear baby boy. Look after this little one for his mommy and daddy. Be his/her Angel friend (not that you wouldnt) show him/her that he can show them that he/she is still with them and if they look close enough, they can still see him/her. They are so very scared and confused right now. I am so proud of you my sweetheart. I miss you. Stay close to Jacen, mommy and daddy. We love you baby.

Love
Mommy