Tattoo...

I got my tattoo today. I just love it, it turned out better than I could have imagined. I am so glad I finally have my angel on my shoulder constantly now.

21 months....

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
by Unknown

Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that they love him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died at just before birth, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?

It has been 21 long months since I held you in my aching arms. I questioned everything that I knew and believed in when you passed. I had not prepared for this, but really even if I knew weeks before could I have really been "prepared"? I have asked myself this question for many months before Jacen was born, will my baby be a baby in heaven? I found out that answer when I went into the hospital to have Jacen. Let me just start from the beginning....(bear with me it might be long) We went in for our scheduled induction, everything was going great. He had a nice heartbeat, no problems at all. The next morning for some reason out of no where I got sick, started throwing up. I had been on Pitocin for about 6 hours with no problems, everything moving along nicely, last check I was dilated to 6. So the sick part no one could figure out where it came from. So anyways Jay called for a nurse to come check on me. Well in a matter of seconds there were what seemed like 20 nurses rushing around, rolling me over this way and that. All the while I am thinking...."not again, not again!" I hear one nurse get on the phone and call my OB and I hear her telling the nurse on the other end..."I dont care if he is with a patient...GET HIM HERE NOW!" Suddenly they say "We have to go now!" I hear Jay scream..."What is going on...someone tell me!" A nurse says "for some reason the baby's heartbeat has dropped and we cant get it to go back to normal, we have to go now!" This is as we are already leaving the room to go to the OR. We get to the OR and Jay is not allowed in, at this point I my body (brain really) has just shut down I am aware of what is going on around me but I cant react to it, cant scream, cant cry, cant get up, cant do anything. A nurse keeps asking me if I am alright, I shake my head, yes. When actually I feel like I am having an out of body experience. (We are already in OR at this point.) 3 minutes later my doctor arrived ready to start cutting. I hear him say..."Misty we are getting Jacen, but I have to put you under, OK?" I shake my head, and look over to my right and just before I go under....I see my son, who is gone from this world. He is handsome actually the most beautiful being I have ever seen. I dont know how else to describe him other than he was not old or young, he wasnt a baby or a little boy or a grown man. I knew it was my son because he had his face and looked just like him. He smiled at me just as the lights were going out for me. I felt myself "wanting" and probably trying to reach for him. Later I open my eyes and hear myself coughing so hard. I look over and see my father in law and mother in law sitting next to me. I ask about Jacen, and my mother in law says, "he is perfect and doing great and tells me that he looks just like me." I start crying and I dont remember if I said it out loud but I do remember thinking...."Jay is here, and he just saved his baby brother. Thank you my angel."

I have missed you dearly my precious baby boy. For 21 months I have tried to figure out and find answers, but the truth is there are no answers. The fact is God needed you to be one of his beautiful angels and thats where you are. I should not question His doings. God knows what is best for all of us. You are in the best care, the best hands. You wont feel pain or cry. You will never know the misery of losing someone you love so dearly and for all of that I am truly grateful. I do wish I could hold you again and see you again, but I know patience and time are my friends here. I will see you again, if it takes an eternity it will be well worth the long wait.
I love you sweetheart.

Collage...

Thank you Paige for this great idea. I just love this program.

Happy Valentine's Day...

Happy Valentines Day my angel. We wanted to tell you how much we love and miss you. The two garden stones are from your grandma and grandpa Oreo and the ladybug is from mommy and daddy, we got you a teddy bear too and brought it to you at the cemetery but mommy wasnt thinking and forgot the camera. We love you so very much my sweet baby.

Thinking...

Good morning son, I am thinking about you (like always) and this morning as I was getting Jacen dressed, I pulled the shirt over his head and I thought "what would it have been like to have you running around the house while I was getting Jacen ready or doing anything for that matter?" Suddenly the house felt very quiet and lonely. Of course Jacen, Shelby, aunt Vicki and Scooter are here, so the house is by far not quiet but today it felt that way, without you. I cant help but think now more than ever, what would you be doing right this minute while Jacen naps. I know I definitely wouldnt be on this computer writing on this blog. I long to play with you and laugh with you and see you and Jacen playing and laughing together. Would we be curled up on the couch watching Star Wars and eating popcorn on this dreary, wet, lazy day? I wish I knew, I wish I werent just wishing I knew. I want to be living that dream instead of only wishing it were true.

I havent felt "well" in a long time. I feel fine physically but emotionally I dont feel fine. Inside I feel like a war is raging and like its never going to end. I have been thinking about calling the doctor, but every time I reach for the phone to try and make the call, all I can think is "you are so weak, you should be able to handle this yourself. How is everyone else going to see you when the doctor puts you on medicine for depression?"

All I can think of when that question comes to mind is...a sad soul and alone.

I dont want to be on medicine and I dont wish to speak to a stranger about something that they might not even understand. Losing a child isnt like having a gambling problem. I am not saying that a gambling problem should be dismissed but they are not the same. I know some of you might be thinking, "Jacen should be enough to snap you out of this." But let me explain something, when you lose a child and you go on to have one after that baby, its more difficult and complicated than you could imagine. Everything about this new baby reminds you every single day of what you missed out on with the child that passed. There are many days that we laugh, play and just have a beautiful time. But there are some days that although you are playing with him and laughing on the inside you are screaming and crying to hold that baby that you lost and all the while trying to smile and keep this baby happy while you are crying inside.

Then there are days like today, when all you do is dream of what life would be like with the both of them here with you. Playing cars, or running around chasing the dog, or screaming at me because they are hungry. Its not as simple as you might think. While Jacen does bring me so much happiness and mends my shattered heart a little bit everyday, there are days where I just simply feel that I can not function because of the unbearable emptiness and helplessness that is brought with losing a baby.

Blog makeover!

Your blog looks great son! I hope you like it as much as I do. (I know you do) Thank you so much Ragan! We love it! :)