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Monday, February 15, 2010

21 months....

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
by Unknown

Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that they love him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died at just before birth, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?

It has been 21 long months since I held you in my aching arms. I questioned everything that I knew and believed in when you passed. I had not prepared for this, but really even if I knew weeks before could I have really been "prepared"? I have asked myself this question for many months before Jacen was born, will my baby be a baby in heaven? I found out that answer when I went into the hospital to have Jacen. Let me just start from the beginning....(bear with me it might be long) We went in for our scheduled induction, everything was going great. He had a nice heartbeat, no problems at all. The next morning for some reason out of no where I got sick, started throwing up. I had been on Pitocin for about 6 hours with no problems, everything moving along nicely, last check I was dilated to 6. So the sick part no one could figure out where it came from. So anyways Jay called for a nurse to come check on me. Well in a matter of seconds there were what seemed like 20 nurses rushing around, rolling me over this way and that. All the while I am thinking...."not again, not again!" I hear one nurse get on the phone and call my OB and I hear her telling the nurse on the other end..."I dont care if he is with a patient...GET HIM HERE NOW!" Suddenly they say "We have to go now!" I hear Jay scream..."What is going on...someone tell me!" A nurse says "for some reason the baby's heartbeat has dropped and we cant get it to go back to normal, we have to go now!" This is as we are already leaving the room to go to the OR. We get to the OR and Jay is not allowed in, at this point I my body (brain really) has just shut down I am aware of what is going on around me but I cant react to it, cant scream, cant cry, cant get up, cant do anything. A nurse keeps asking me if I am alright, I shake my head, yes. When actually I feel like I am having an out of body experience. (We are already in OR at this point.) 3 minutes later my doctor arrived ready to start cutting. I hear him say..."Misty we are getting Jacen, but I have to put you under, OK?" I shake my head, and look over to my right and just before I go under....I see my son, who is gone from this world. He is handsome actually the most beautiful being I have ever seen. I dont know how else to describe him other than he was not old or young, he wasnt a baby or a little boy or a grown man. I knew it was my son because he had his face and looked just like him. He smiled at me just as the lights were going out for me. I felt myself "wanting" and probably trying to reach for him. Later I open my eyes and hear myself coughing so hard. I look over and see my father in law and mother in law sitting next to me. I ask about Jacen, and my mother in law says, "he is perfect and doing great and tells me that he looks just like me." I start crying and I dont remember if I said it out loud but I do remember thinking...."Jay is here, and he just saved his baby brother. Thank you my angel."

I have missed you dearly my precious baby boy. For 21 months I have tried to figure out and find answers, but the truth is there are no answers. The fact is God needed you to be one of his beautiful angels and thats where you are. I should not question His doings. God knows what is best for all of us. You are in the best care, the best hands. You wont feel pain or cry. You will never know the misery of losing someone you love so dearly and for all of that I am truly grateful. I do wish I could hold you again and see you again, but I know patience and time are my friends here. I will see you again, if it takes an eternity it will be well worth the long wait.
I love you sweetheart.

1 comment:

Mommy to Tyler & Maddy said...

Wow, I have goosebumps all over my arms after reading this post. I too have wondered if our little Tyler will be a baby when I see him in Heaven one day or all grown up. Sometimes I like to think that he will be a baby because then I will get to experience all the things that I didn't get the chance to experience with him here on earth but other times I think I dont know maybe he will be a little boy?

That is so powerful that you saw Jay right before you went under. Wow, I have always longed to see Tyler in a dream or vision one day. Maybe seeing him and how you said he wasnt young or old was a way to let you know that no matter what when you see your little boy in Heaven one day no matter what age he will be perfect and your reunion will be perfect....

October 15th Video (Baby Jay is in this one)....


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