Thinking...

Good morning son, I am thinking about you (like always) and this morning as I was getting Jacen dressed, I pulled the shirt over his head and I thought "what would it have been like to have you running around the house while I was getting Jacen ready or doing anything for that matter?" Suddenly the house felt very quiet and lonely. Of course Jacen, Shelby, aunt Vicki and Scooter are here, so the house is by far not quiet but today it felt that way, without you. I cant help but think now more than ever, what would you be doing right this minute while Jacen naps. I know I definitely wouldnt be on this computer writing on this blog. I long to play with you and laugh with you and see you and Jacen playing and laughing together. Would we be curled up on the couch watching Star Wars and eating popcorn on this dreary, wet, lazy day? I wish I knew, I wish I werent just wishing I knew. I want to be living that dream instead of only wishing it were true.

I havent felt "well" in a long time. I feel fine physically but emotionally I dont feel fine. Inside I feel like a war is raging and like its never going to end. I have been thinking about calling the doctor, but every time I reach for the phone to try and make the call, all I can think is "you are so weak, you should be able to handle this yourself. How is everyone else going to see you when the doctor puts you on medicine for depression?"

All I can think of when that question comes to mind is...a sad soul and alone.

I dont want to be on medicine and I dont wish to speak to a stranger about something that they might not even understand. Losing a child isnt like having a gambling problem. I am not saying that a gambling problem should be dismissed but they are not the same. I know some of you might be thinking, "Jacen should be enough to snap you out of this." But let me explain something, when you lose a child and you go on to have one after that baby, its more difficult and complicated than you could imagine. Everything about this new baby reminds you every single day of what you missed out on with the child that passed. There are many days that we laugh, play and just have a beautiful time. But there are some days that although you are playing with him and laughing on the inside you are screaming and crying to hold that baby that you lost and all the while trying to smile and keep this baby happy while you are crying inside.

Then there are days like today, when all you do is dream of what life would be like with the both of them here with you. Playing cars, or running around chasing the dog, or screaming at me because they are hungry. Its not as simple as you might think. While Jacen does bring me so much happiness and mends my shattered heart a little bit everyday, there are days where I just simply feel that I can not function because of the unbearable emptiness and helplessness that is brought with losing a baby.