23 months....

Does it ever stop hurting so much? In the 23 months you have been gone, each day that passes hasn't been any less painful than the day before it. Sure there are days that I don't cry anymore, but there are still days that I do. Today I have cried, I have asked why, I have wondered, I have ached and most of those are not any different than any other day. With each new thing that Jacen does, I see what you would have been doing at that age. Makes me ache even more for you. I try to understand that God has a purpose and try to understand that He has planned each of our lives out for us, before we ever even live it. But its hard to understand why our babies have to leave us. Its hard to understand why parents who abuse their babies are allowed to have them. Its hard to understand why those babies are allowed to stay here and endure such pain. I loved you and would have given my life for you, but you were taken away from me. WHY??? I wanted nothing but the very best for you. I would have shown you every day how much I loved you. I wanted to teach you about God and His ultimate sacrifice for us. Teaching you to be good to others and teaching you how to be kind to everyone. But yet you could not stay with me. I saw a little article today about a 5 month old baby who endured so much in the 5 months of her life than anyone should ever have to endure..ever. But yet her parents were allowed to have her, do these horrible things to her, cause her so much pain and then her pain was relieved by death. But her parents were allowed to get pregnant and keep her and did these things to her. Why? I know mommies who have been trying to get pregnant for years and cant and they would never do such horrible things to their babies, but they are not allowed for whatever reason to have children, but yet these monsters are. I just dont understand! 23 months and my arms ache unbelievably. Its excruciating and all I can do is whisper your name.

I love you more than life itself my sweet son. I miss you every day, every moment with every breath. Thank you for being with us and with your brother, he loves talking to you and I love knowing that its you he is talking with. I love seeing you together even if you arent in the flesh. I love you!