Tears.....

Today I find it incredibly hard to go forward. I miss you so much! The tears are flowing and won't stop. I want to find peace, I want to find comfort. But I don't see it happening, my heart hurts and my anger is growing, again. It's unfair. I had a brief flashback to the night he was born and saw how I lay in the hospital bed waiting his arrival. I cry because I want to be there again in that moment, so that I may prepare the memories all over again. Instead of being in a medicated state I would be awake and planning his arrival. I would take more pictures, I would get molds of his feet and hands, I would bring his whole closet if I could so that we may see him in HIS clothes. I would wrap my arms around him for days if they would have let me, instead of the measly 10 minutes I took. I would unwrap him from his blanket and look at him, I would take off his little hat to see his beautiful hair. I would kiss him and hug him all night.

Grief comes and goes on its own accord. Some days it hits hard and others its there but it doesn't consume me as it does today.

So for now to ease this sorrow and pain, I will take his little brother and hold him tight and not let him go until he screams for me to do so, and maybe even then I won't. :)

I love you my dear son and I miss you so very much.