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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

30 months...

Yesterday marked 30 months in heaven. Grief has changed again for me. I rarely have bad days anymore, dont get me wrong I think about Jay ALL the time, there isnt a moment that I am not thinking about him and what he would be doing right now. But grief rarely takes me under anymore. I still have "triggers" if you will, but nothing in comparison to what it used to be like.

Today more than anything else I find that not only have I realized that few people talk to me now but I myself have realized I am different, and I'm not sure that I like the person that I am. I know I am the only one to change that, but its hit me hard why no one wants to talk to me anymore. I've never been a "people" person and have always been quiet and could care less if there are people around me, so long as I have family there for me. Which I do. I've always been one to shy away from big groups and prefer to be left alone. But after Jay died I realized that the few friends I felt I was close to have gone and I dont feel that it's just because baby loss is hard for anyone to hear or deal with but it's because I am a totally different person. Everyone used to tell me all the time "you are just so sweet" now I just get strange looks when I speak to anyone, even when it isnt about the loss of Jay. I feel that the world sees me as a different species and that when I speak I am speaking a different language.

When Jay passed I immediately felt that I was alien to this world and that I was not wanted here. Today that still holds true. I feel very much alone. I pretty much just stay home with Jacen and play with him, I do not go anywhere unless its to the park, grocery store or to have lunch with the hubby. I dont get emails from friends anymore unless I email them first. Which I am ok with, but I've been wondering why. I know not all of them are because I am that alien that no one wants to be around because her baby died but because of the person that I have become since that tragedy.

I used to work with a woman whose son died at the age of 40, everyone used to call her "strange" and "mental" and "nutcase". I feel now in the small circle of friends that I had, I am that person.  I really am fine with being left alone, but what bothers me is that a few of these friends have children around Jacen's age and I have tried a few times to get a play date going for Jacen (since he isnt around anyone else but me) I figured it would good for him to be around kids his age. But when I try I get nothing from any of them. I find it really sad that because no one wants to talk or be around me, they are going to do the same to my son. That is what bothers me.

"God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34

~My darling son, I love and miss you so much. I think about you everyday.

1 comment:

Jessica said...

*hugs* Thinking of you.

October 15th Video (Baby Jay is in this one)....


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