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Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving 2010...

Just wanted to stop by and say Happy Thanksgiving. I love you my son and miss you so much. Its hard to believe this is our 3rd thanksgiving without you.

I think I said something a few posts ago how grief is rarely hard for me anymore, well I forgot that the holidays were right around the corner. Today has been rough, I keep thinking "Jay should be here running around with Jacen and playing, or helping me get dinner ready." Hes not. He should be sitting at the table with us today when we are eating and giving thanks. He wont be. Instead he is in Heaven, safe. While I only get to think about him, and try to remember what it felt like to hold him and kiss him. I cant remember anymore. Its been too long. It sucks.

I remember the first thanksgiving without him, 2008. Jay asked me to say grace, I refused. I remember saying, "what do I have that I should give thanks to Him for?" I have you and He knows I am thankful for you." He has my son, and I am not thankful for that." Those words were out of anger and pain. In reality I had and still have so much to be thankful for. My husband who cares for me like no other. I have his love. I have my sons. My health, my wonderful black lab. We have a home. And we have a family like no other. That is something to be thankful for!

Right now I am sad that Jay can not be here with us, but I am so very thankful that God put him into our lives. I can not imagine my life without him in it, even if his stay with me was short. I love and miss him dearly. 

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