Thanksgiving 2010...

Just wanted to stop by and say Happy Thanksgiving. I love you my son and miss you so much. Its hard to believe this is our 3rd thanksgiving without you.

I think I said something a few posts ago how grief is rarely hard for me anymore, well I forgot that the holidays were right around the corner. Today has been rough, I keep thinking "Jay should be here running around with Jacen and playing, or helping me get dinner ready." Hes not. He should be sitting at the table with us today when we are eating and giving thanks. He wont be. Instead he is in Heaven, safe. While I only get to think about him, and try to remember what it felt like to hold him and kiss him. I cant remember anymore. Its been too long. It sucks.

I remember the first thanksgiving without him, 2008. Jay asked me to say grace, I refused. I remember saying, "what do I have that I should give thanks to Him for?" I have you and He knows I am thankful for you." He has my son, and I am not thankful for that." Those words were out of anger and pain. In reality I had and still have so much to be thankful for. My husband who cares for me like no other. I have his love. I have my sons. My health, my wonderful black lab. We have a home. And we have a family like no other. That is something to be thankful for!

Right now I am sad that Jay can not be here with us, but I am so very thankful that God put him into our lives. I can not imagine my life without him in it, even if his stay with me was short. I love and miss him dearly. 

Thankful.....

We have so much to be thankful for.

 

For my husband, without him I would be nothing.

Baby Jay, who has showed me what life is really all about. I miss him so much, but I am so thankful that he came into my life.

 Jacen who is our blessing and has been the healing in our hearts that we need.

 Our family. Even though one of our babies is not with us on earth we are still so thankful for both of them, and each other.

Shelby who was brought into our lives at just the right time. She has been amazing to our family. I dont know what I would have done those very dark days without her.

And of course our parents. Who have given so much for us and helped us tremendously. We can never thank them enough for what they have done for us. But we appreciate them and love them so much.

Our brothers and sister. They are amazing. I have never felt so blessed.


Happy thanksgiving!

Real love and real friends....

I know I know I have been on this "friends" thing. But I am still reading my "Grace for the moment" book and I keep finding these verses that just speak to me.

This one just really hit home for me: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

For mommies who have lost babies this is a really hard thing to do. "rejoice with those who rejoice." When another mom is pregnant or we see someone walking down the street that we do not know and they are pregnant, sometimes we find ourselves hurt again, some even bitter that this person is carrying a child and might be totally oblivious to child loss. While here we are suffering and hurting for our children who did not make into this world or get to stay in this world very long.

I personally did not have this issue after losing Jay. I never really thought about it. I did have thoughts run through my mind like: "I hope she is kick counting" or "I wonder if she knows about kick counting" or "I hope her baby makes it safely into this world." Whenever I found out friends where pregnant after losing Jay I was completely happy for them. I never felt that they were trying to hurt me. Of course there were many times I felt sorry for us because of what we didnt have anymore. And times I thought "why me? why couldnt my son stay here" But I was never bitter towards them.

"Weep with those who weep" this part doesnt come easy to some after the first couple of months of grieving. I say that because to those outside of the babyloss community, after a couple of months some people(not all)a expect us to "be over it" even though we know that will never happen. True love and true friendship will never expect that of us. That is an impossible expectation.

The first couple months after losing Jay, I had co-workers just sit and cry with me and listen to me talk about him. Others if they saw me coming would turn the other way and almost run to avoid me. I felt so alone. True friends will love you no matter what has happened or happening in your life. Unfortunately during your most difficult times in life you will come to find who your true and loving friends are, and you will gain friends you never expected.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" Romans 12:15

Is there a moment when this verse became reality in your life?

For me a co-worker became pregnant and we were ecstatic for her, then at 16 weeks she miscarried and we cried together. Shared stories about our sons and laughed at the silly things we did and thought during pregnancy.

Made for heaven.....

I have this book by Max Lucado called "Grace for the moment" and I have been reading it pretty much every night. Last night I happened across this:


Made for Heaven
"My kingdom does not belong to this world" John 18:36

This was the passage that got me thinking. "unhappiness on earth cultivates a hunger for heaven." isnt that the truth? we as parents who have lost our children can definitely relate to this. He goes on to say "The only tragedy, then is to be satisfied prematurely. To settle for earth. To be content in a strange land....We are not happy here because we do not belong here. We are "like foreigners and strangers in this world" 1 Peter 2:11

I have said from day 1 of my journey through grief that I feel like I am from another world visiting this strange place called earth. I am not happy with this world because I do not belong here. My heart is in heaven with my son. When I lost my son I was not happy being here and did not want to spend one more moment here. I was ready for heaven. God gave me another gift my 2nd child and I am once again content with being on earth for the time being until He calls me home to heaven. When I go home, I will leave this alien world behind and at last feel like I belong. I will run to the child that was called for a higher duty and will be blissfully reunited with him and I will praise my Lord for bringing me home at last. Those are the joys I am looking forward to when I am finally home.

30 months...

Yesterday marked 30 months in heaven. Grief has changed again for me. I rarely have bad days anymore, dont get me wrong I think about Jay ALL the time, there isnt a moment that I am not thinking about him and what he would be doing right now. But grief rarely takes me under anymore. I still have "triggers" if you will, but nothing in comparison to what it used to be like.

Today more than anything else I find that not only have I realized that few people talk to me now but I myself have realized I am different, and I'm not sure that I like the person that I am. I know I am the only one to change that, but its hit me hard why no one wants to talk to me anymore. I've never been a "people" person and have always been quiet and could care less if there are people around me, so long as I have family there for me. Which I do. I've always been one to shy away from big groups and prefer to be left alone. But after Jay died I realized that the few friends I felt I was close to have gone and I dont feel that it's just because baby loss is hard for anyone to hear or deal with but it's because I am a totally different person. Everyone used to tell me all the time "you are just so sweet" now I just get strange looks when I speak to anyone, even when it isnt about the loss of Jay. I feel that the world sees me as a different species and that when I speak I am speaking a different language.

When Jay passed I immediately felt that I was alien to this world and that I was not wanted here. Today that still holds true. I feel very much alone. I pretty much just stay home with Jacen and play with him, I do not go anywhere unless its to the park, grocery store or to have lunch with the hubby. I dont get emails from friends anymore unless I email them first. Which I am ok with, but I've been wondering why. I know not all of them are because I am that alien that no one wants to be around because her baby died but because of the person that I have become since that tragedy.

I used to work with a woman whose son died at the age of 40, everyone used to call her "strange" and "mental" and "nutcase". I feel now in the small circle of friends that I had, I am that person.  I really am fine with being left alone, but what bothers me is that a few of these friends have children around Jacen's age and I have tried a few times to get a play date going for Jacen (since he isnt around anyone else but me) I figured it would good for him to be around kids his age. But when I try I get nothing from any of them. I find it really sad that because no one wants to talk or be around me, they are going to do the same to my son. That is what bothers me.

"God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34


~My darling son, I love and miss you so much. I think about you everyday.

Jays sketchbook page...

This is Jay's memorial page for The Sketchbook project. I love the way it turned out!!! Couldn't have done a better job!

Busy Mom's Bible....

I found the Busy Mom's Bible at kmart last night and had to get it. Let me tell you I love it!!



I need something to help me through. After losing Jay I have lost what faith I had. Growing up we went to church every Sunday and Wednesday night. I was at the young age of 12 a Sunday school teacher. I loved what I believed and how God's grace always shined down on me. I felt His love and presence with me always. Then our church unexpectedly divided and our family and other families had to leave. Something did not feel right. I couldnt find my place after that. I continued to believe and feel Christ with me. But after awhile I seemed to have lost my path. I never got into anything bad, but it was like church and Jesus were just a mere thought of what was.

Then we lost Jay, everything I ever believed in was torn apart. Inside I was angry at God and constantly questioned Him, "Why". At first I would say my beliefs were "shaken" but after a couple of months I resented God. Even though growing up I learned and felt it in my heart that you do not question God. God is our creator and He knows my very soul. But still I was hurt, blinded and angry enough to question Him.

To this day I find days though not very often anymore, I question Him still. I question His existence in my heart and my life. Growing up I felt that I was immune to bad things because I was protected by God's love. However, you may love God and you have God's love in return that does not mean you are immune to life's tragedies. But because God loves us he uses those tragedies to show us that He is good and through Him you will find peace.

Today I was looking through the Thought Starters in my Busy Mom Bible and found this verse-

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4

I cried and rejoiced at the same moment. The only thing that gets me through the hard days is this: I know in my heart that when my time comes and I get to heaven my son will be waiting for me along with others that I love that have gone to be with our Maker. We will be together again in our true home, Heaven.

Today is a new day. I pray that I will get on the path again, right now I'm in the pasture headed for the path. With God's grace, love and patience I will be there before sunset on my last day here on this temporary home.