Pregnant Again....

Well we found out today that we are pregnant again. My feelings I would say right now are calm, excited, and scared. I think once we start going to doctor visits the worrying and scared feelings with be with me until we have this baby. We are just trying to enjoy these first few weeks, I know that will be easier said then done. I'm already worried and scared. But we are going to do everything we can to make sure this baby comes home with us. I just can not believe that it happened as fast as it did last time. I mean I was thinking the whole time we were trying again that what if God does not want me to have any more children? What if I am not meant to have any living children at all? What if something happens again? What will we do? How will we handle it? So much is going through my head right now. So much stress and so much to consider and so much to worry about. I am so very excited at the thought of finally getting to hold a living breathing child in my arms and getting to sing them to sleep but a part of me is so scared that that dream will never happen. I know so many mommies now who have lost 5 or more babies and it just breaks my heart for them. I keep asking myself what if I end up the same way? They are such strong women and I wish I could give them what they so badly deserve and hope and pray for every day. I pray for them and I also pray for us (not to sound selfish). Will we be able to handle multiple losses like that if that happens to be our destiny? I don't think I could. Everyone has always said to me that it takes a very special and strong person to be the mommy of an Angel, yes I agree. But I believe it takes an extraordinary person to be the mommy to multiple Angels. I can only imagine what they feel and hurt. I can only hope and pray that I dont have to one day try and be that person. I wish they didnt have to be that person. No one should have to. I don't want to be extraordinary, I just want to be a mommy to a living, breathing child.

My Goal in life...

My goal in life right now at this moment in time, is to #1 try to have another child. #2 I feel I have a responsiblity to my son and other pregnant women in the world, to tell them and try to get them to educate themselves about the problems and things that can go wrong with pregnancy. Because I know not one soul on this earth that is pregnant would want to find out the way I had to find out that bad things do and can happen to you. The way I want to achieve this 2nd goal is to start my own non profit organization in memory of my son and do a walk to raise money to help research umbilical cord accidents. I say umbilical cord accidents because thats why my son is not with me and not many people are doing anything about it and the doctors who are trying to do something, do not have a lot of funding. There are many women out there who experience some sort of umbilical cord accident. Did you know that many of the tests that are done during prenatal visits, I have read are less likely to cause fetal death, and the chances that your baby could die due to an umbilical cord accident are higher. (not sure how acurate that is, something I read online) but yet no one does the simple test that "could" possibly tell you something is wrong with the umbilical cord. WHY?? I'm tired of sitting here like a lump feeling sorry for myself when I could be out there doing something to make a difference and to keep my sons memory alive. Help us to make a difference, please leave any comments or information you may have that may help us to get started. It all starts with one person and if one baby is saved it is worth it.

Hello sweet baby boy. Here are the pictures of the balloons that Alexandra's mommy sent to you. I hope you enjoyed playing with your balloons and your sweet angel friends. We miss you all so much. Alexandra's mommy is so great she thinks about all of our angel babies. Tell Alexandra that she has a very special mommy and we appreciate everything she does for us. We love you sweet baby boy and we miss you so much.

Love

Mommy

3 months....

3 months ago today, we knew our lives were going to change but we never guess that they would be changed in this way. 3 months ago we were dreaming about our sweet little Jay coming home with us. 3 months ago we were rushing to the hospital because the time had come. 3 months ago we were waiting in the ER for the nurse to find Jay's heartbeat. 3 months ago we were told that our son died. 3 months ago our world came crashing down on us. 3 months ago we had to bury our newborn baby. Why does life have to be this way??? 3 months and 1 day ago we would have never guessed that our baby could die. Our world was so perfect the day before, what happened? God needed our son for reasons we will never understand. I will never understand, I will never forget that feeling of helplessness and hurt. That pain will be with me until the day I leave this earth, maybe then I will understand. A part of me died that day. With every moment for the rest of my life I will forever be haunted by the "what if's" and the "I should have's." Everyone says do not blame yourself, but how can I not, I am his mother and I could not protect him or save him. He tried to tell me something was wrong, but I did not know he was trying to! What kind of mommy am I, that can't even tell when her child is desperately trying to tell her that he is dying??

We love you sweet angel baby. We miss you so so very much. I'm sending you many sweet angel kisses. We will never forget you.
Love Mommy

"New" Life...

I still can not believe my life 3 months ago was happy so alive and so full of hopes and dreams, and today it feels empty and without purpose and meaning. I miss my sweet baby boy so much. I just wish even if for just a moment I could see him again, hold him, touch his sweet face and kiss him one last time. I don't go one day without dreaming that for just a moment time would rewind to the day before he passed, maybe then I could save him, save him from the horrible way he died. But of course that will never be granted to me. Maybe I was never meant to be a mommy to a living child, but oh God I want to be a mommy more than anything in my life. I have always dreamed of the day when I could hold a sweet precious baby in my arms and sing him to sleep and watch his daddy holding him as he rocks him gently to comfort him. Oh this pain is so unbearable!! Why does life have to be this way?? Why do babies have to die? Why do mommies and daddies have to bury their sweet precious babies? Its not fair!!

We've been trying again, and to be honest I am scared out of my mind. The thoughts that run through my head are what if we cant concieve again? what will happen if we loose another baby, will we continue to try? what if my body wasnt meant to carry any more babies? Will I be able to make it another 9 months and not loose my mind to worrying so much? What will we be able to do to make sure this baby gets to us alive? So much going through my head, its so hard to focus most days. The past week I do have to say has been fairly "good" I've made it through almost all of those days without a breakdown. Dont get me wrong there hasnt been a day that hasnt gone by that I havent thought about my son and I will always wish he was with me. But these days have been better ones. I say these things because its almost feels like that "new" life that we now are faced with is trying to settle in. If that makes any sense at all. In a way im ready to start over- I guess is what its called. But another part of me wants to stay where I was and never let go. I guess because its that "we were so close yet so far away" feeling and the feeling that I will be letting my son down or forgetting about him if I move on.

Sweet Baby

Hi sweet baby boy, I came to visit you today and was surprised when I got there to see that someone had left flowers for you. They were very beautiful. I hope you don't mind but I left them with one of your angel friends that didn't have any flowers. I brought you some flowers that will stay with you all the time unless we bring you real flowers when we come to visit. But these flowers will stay with you all other times. I took a picture of them for you. I know you will enjoy them. The ones that were left for you are the pink and purple ones and the blue and yellow ones are the ones me and daddy got for you. I miss you my sweet baby. You are my light in this dark world that we are now faced with. You give us hope and bring us so many sweet dreams, even though you arent here with us in life you are in spirit and you bring us such joy and love. I just cant really describe what its like. I love you sweet baby boy and I miss you so very much.

Love Always,

Mommy

I just am.....

People ask me all the time how I am doing and how am I dealing. Well really the only way to put it is I just am. I am just here, I continue with life because I have to. I have a wonderful husband who has been more than I could have ever dreamed of. I could not imagine my life right now or ever without him. On Wednesday, it was not a good day at all. I all of a sudden got so scared and started to panic I literally thought I was loosing my mind and no one was telling me. I thought I was going to continue the rest of my life in a nut house. Jay came down and talked to me and of course made me laugh about it. He said "do you really think if you were nuts you would even think to think that you were nuts?" Of course once I thought about it, no I don't guess I would think that I was. Everyone always tells us how brave and strong we are, well to tell you the truth I think anyone that goes through something of this magnitude just some how begans to realize you have to continue on. We know our son wouldn't want us to just stop living. Even though it's so hard, we do what we have to do. Even if it's not for ourselves we do it for each other. Because together is the only way we are going to make it through this dark dark time in our lives. We miss our son so much and wish that we had more time with him but we were given that small amount of time because God knew that that precious baby would change our lives so drastically for the good. I know for me I see things in a different light now all the small things that used to matter to me before are now just petty and dumb to me. I realize life is so short and so beautiful and there are so many loved ones to enjoy, that you can not just stop living because no matter what you feel at first, you know that everything happens for a reason and God's purpose is going to happen and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Yes He has our son but I just keep telling myself everyday that he is still here with us and he watches over us and one sweet day we will meet again and finally be.......complete. So for now, here on earth we are just as we are.

When Death Becomes Birth

When Death Becomes Birth
by Max Lucado

You live one final breath from your own funeral.
Which, from God's perspective, is nothing to grieve. He responds to these grave facts with this great news: "The day you die is better than the day you are born" (Eccles. 7:1). Now there is a twist. Heaven enjoys a maternity-ward reaction to funerals. Angels watch body burials the same way grandparents monitor delivery-room doors. "He'll be coming through any minute!" They can't wait to see the new arrival. While we're driving hearses and wearing black, they're hanging pink and blue streamers and passing out cigars. We don't grieve when babies enter the world. The hosts of heaven don't weep when we leave it.
Oh, but many of us weep at the thought of death. Do you? Do you dread your death? And is your dread of death robbing your joy of life?
Jesus came to "deliver those who have lived all their lives as slaves to the fear of dying" (Heb. 2:15).
Your death may surprise you and sadden others, but heaven knows no untimely death: "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed" (Ps. 139:16).
Dread of death ends when you know heaven is your true home. In all my air travels I've never seen one passenger weep when the plane landed. Never. No one clings to the armrests and begs, "Don't make me leave. Don't make me leave. Let me stay and eat more peanuts." We're willing to exit because the plane has no permanent mailing address. Nor does this world. "But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior" (Phil. 3:20).
Why don't you do this: give God your death. Imagine your last breath, envision your final minutes, and offer them to him. Deliberately. Regularly. "Lord, I receive your work on the cross and in your resurrection. I entrust you with my departure from earth." With Christ as your friend and heaven as your home, the day of death becomes sweeter than the day of birth.