Christmas Tree...

I know this is late but here goes. Every year now that Jay has been gone, (this is the 3rd Christmas for you who are keeping track.) I have gone out to put up his Christmas tree at his spot at the cemetery. Its something I love to do for him. It makes me feel like I am still being mommy. I dont know why its a tree, not like putting on his shoes or buttoning up his jacket for him or hugging or kissing him. But since he is in Heaven this makes me feel like I am still able to be his mommy.I love being out there anyways, its his place, our place to connect and be at peace with him. (I know HE is not there its just the shell that he left behind, but as humans we tend to hold onto what we know and his body is what I knew and know.)

This year I asked everyone in our family if they would like they could send a Christmas ornament that they made, bought or one from their collections that reminded them of him. We love everyone of them that were sent! Thank you all so much!  His tree this year turned out beautiful. Not only because it is his tree but because it has a little bit of something from the whole family.

This last one is one that we got for our tree at home, I love it! A seashell with a pearl that says "every life leaves something beautiful behind."

31 months in heaven...

I miss you more and more each day. I love you more and more each day. But sadly I forget with each passing day what you smelled like, what you looked like ( I look at your picture daily to remember) and what you felt like in my arms. This is one of the most horrible parts of grief, the forgetting. Not only do we have to try and live without you, but we also forget things that we wanted to hold in our memories forever, but time does not work that way. They slip from your memory without a warning. You will always be in our hearts and one day we will meet you again but while we are here on earth we wish that we could remember those things that time has taken away from us.

I think about you multiple times a day and day dream about the day that we get to meet again. What a wonderful day that will be! Until that day comes, I will hold onto every memory of you that I can, I will look back on everything I have written down or that are in photos so that I dont forget. I will never ever forget YOU, because "you are the one and only ever you!" (you know I love that book!) My sweet sweet child.

As you already know, mommy is expecting another little brother or sister for you and Jacen. Please look after him or her. I know you and God do a wonderful job. I am so proud of you my beautiful child. I could have never been more blessed. *Thank you Father for my beautiful children and the little pea growing within me, you are truly amazing in all your wonders. Please tell my son I love him very much and give him kisses from me.*

"The Shack".....

I borrowed this book from my mother in law a long time ago, but couldn't bring myself to pick it up until the other night I saw it sitting in my closet and felt a strange want to read it. So I picked it up and read it all by the next night. If you have not read this book it is simply amazing. You will shed tears so grab a box of tissue!

I cried a lot while reading this book due to the fact that the character Mack and I share religious view after the death of our children. For a long time I have been angry at God and questioned Him and blamed Him, for not making this better. The dialogue Mack has with God is simply amazing! I could almost feel like I was in his shoes and it was God and I who were having this much needed talk.

I found myself today as I was out and about looking at strangers and remembering what Mack and God spoke about and pushed any judgment out of my mind. The particular part in the book when Sophia tells Mack that he must choose 2 of his own children that will go to heaven and 3 that will go to hell, just broke my heart. When she then tells him that this is how God feels each and everyday when we demand Him to condemn one of His own to hell, for crimes they have committed or whatever the reason may be, before they have had the chance to even repent for their sin and be forgiven. Which is why Jesus chose to die for us! So that we may be forgiven!

I must say that I am trying. I have been trying for awhile now to let the anger and hostility towards God go. It has been working and I am continuing to improve and trying to be closer to God again. I miss those moments with Him.

I recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with this battle.

"The Shack"
By William P. Young

Thanksgiving 2010...

Just wanted to stop by and say Happy Thanksgiving. I love you my son and miss you so much. Its hard to believe this is our 3rd thanksgiving without you.

I think I said something a few posts ago how grief is rarely hard for me anymore, well I forgot that the holidays were right around the corner. Today has been rough, I keep thinking "Jay should be here running around with Jacen and playing, or helping me get dinner ready." Hes not. He should be sitting at the table with us today when we are eating and giving thanks. He wont be. Instead he is in Heaven, safe. While I only get to think about him, and try to remember what it felt like to hold him and kiss him. I cant remember anymore. Its been too long. It sucks.

I remember the first thanksgiving without him, 2008. Jay asked me to say grace, I refused. I remember saying, "what do I have that I should give thanks to Him for?" I have you and He knows I am thankful for you." He has my son, and I am not thankful for that." Those words were out of anger and pain. In reality I had and still have so much to be thankful for. My husband who cares for me like no other. I have his love. I have my sons. My health, my wonderful black lab. We have a home. And we have a family like no other. That is something to be thankful for!

Right now I am sad that Jay can not be here with us, but I am so very thankful that God put him into our lives. I can not imagine my life without him in it, even if his stay with me was short. I love and miss him dearly. 

Thankful.....

We have so much to be thankful for.

 

For my husband, without him I would be nothing.

Baby Jay, who has showed me what life is really all about. I miss him so much, but I am so thankful that he came into my life.

 Jacen who is our blessing and has been the healing in our hearts that we need.

 Our family. Even though one of our babies is not with us on earth we are still so thankful for both of them, and each other.

Shelby who was brought into our lives at just the right time. She has been amazing to our family. I dont know what I would have done those very dark days without her.

And of course our parents. Who have given so much for us and helped us tremendously. We can never thank them enough for what they have done for us. But we appreciate them and love them so much.

Our brothers and sister. They are amazing. I have never felt so blessed.


Happy thanksgiving!

Real love and real friends....

I know I know I have been on this "friends" thing. But I am still reading my "Grace for the moment" book and I keep finding these verses that just speak to me.

This one just really hit home for me: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

For mommies who have lost babies this is a really hard thing to do. "rejoice with those who rejoice." When another mom is pregnant or we see someone walking down the street that we do not know and they are pregnant, sometimes we find ourselves hurt again, some even bitter that this person is carrying a child and might be totally oblivious to child loss. While here we are suffering and hurting for our children who did not make into this world or get to stay in this world very long.

I personally did not have this issue after losing Jay. I never really thought about it. I did have thoughts run through my mind like: "I hope she is kick counting" or "I wonder if she knows about kick counting" or "I hope her baby makes it safely into this world." Whenever I found out friends where pregnant after losing Jay I was completely happy for them. I never felt that they were trying to hurt me. Of course there were many times I felt sorry for us because of what we didnt have anymore. And times I thought "why me? why couldnt my son stay here" But I was never bitter towards them.

"Weep with those who weep" this part doesnt come easy to some after the first couple of months of grieving. I say that because to those outside of the babyloss community, after a couple of months some people(not all)a expect us to "be over it" even though we know that will never happen. True love and true friendship will never expect that of us. That is an impossible expectation.

The first couple months after losing Jay, I had co-workers just sit and cry with me and listen to me talk about him. Others if they saw me coming would turn the other way and almost run to avoid me. I felt so alone. True friends will love you no matter what has happened or happening in your life. Unfortunately during your most difficult times in life you will come to find who your true and loving friends are, and you will gain friends you never expected.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" Romans 12:15

Is there a moment when this verse became reality in your life?

For me a co-worker became pregnant and we were ecstatic for her, then at 16 weeks she miscarried and we cried together. Shared stories about our sons and laughed at the silly things we did and thought during pregnancy.

Made for heaven.....

I have this book by Max Lucado called "Grace for the moment" and I have been reading it pretty much every night. Last night I happened across this:


Made for Heaven
"My kingdom does not belong to this world" John 18:36

This was the passage that got me thinking. "unhappiness on earth cultivates a hunger for heaven." isnt that the truth? we as parents who have lost our children can definitely relate to this. He goes on to say "The only tragedy, then is to be satisfied prematurely. To settle for earth. To be content in a strange land....We are not happy here because we do not belong here. We are "like foreigners and strangers in this world" 1 Peter 2:11

I have said from day 1 of my journey through grief that I feel like I am from another world visiting this strange place called earth. I am not happy with this world because I do not belong here. My heart is in heaven with my son. When I lost my son I was not happy being here and did not want to spend one more moment here. I was ready for heaven. God gave me another gift my 2nd child and I am once again content with being on earth for the time being until He calls me home to heaven. When I go home, I will leave this alien world behind and at last feel like I belong. I will run to the child that was called for a higher duty and will be blissfully reunited with him and I will praise my Lord for bringing me home at last. Those are the joys I am looking forward to when I am finally home.

30 months...

Yesterday marked 30 months in heaven. Grief has changed again for me. I rarely have bad days anymore, dont get me wrong I think about Jay ALL the time, there isnt a moment that I am not thinking about him and what he would be doing right now. But grief rarely takes me under anymore. I still have "triggers" if you will, but nothing in comparison to what it used to be like.

Today more than anything else I find that not only have I realized that few people talk to me now but I myself have realized I am different, and I'm not sure that I like the person that I am. I know I am the only one to change that, but its hit me hard why no one wants to talk to me anymore. I've never been a "people" person and have always been quiet and could care less if there are people around me, so long as I have family there for me. Which I do. I've always been one to shy away from big groups and prefer to be left alone. But after Jay died I realized that the few friends I felt I was close to have gone and I dont feel that it's just because baby loss is hard for anyone to hear or deal with but it's because I am a totally different person. Everyone used to tell me all the time "you are just so sweet" now I just get strange looks when I speak to anyone, even when it isnt about the loss of Jay. I feel that the world sees me as a different species and that when I speak I am speaking a different language.

When Jay passed I immediately felt that I was alien to this world and that I was not wanted here. Today that still holds true. I feel very much alone. I pretty much just stay home with Jacen and play with him, I do not go anywhere unless its to the park, grocery store or to have lunch with the hubby. I dont get emails from friends anymore unless I email them first. Which I am ok with, but I've been wondering why. I know not all of them are because I am that alien that no one wants to be around because her baby died but because of the person that I have become since that tragedy.

I used to work with a woman whose son died at the age of 40, everyone used to call her "strange" and "mental" and "nutcase". I feel now in the small circle of friends that I had, I am that person.  I really am fine with being left alone, but what bothers me is that a few of these friends have children around Jacen's age and I have tried a few times to get a play date going for Jacen (since he isnt around anyone else but me) I figured it would good for him to be around kids his age. But when I try I get nothing from any of them. I find it really sad that because no one wants to talk or be around me, they are going to do the same to my son. That is what bothers me.

"God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34


~My darling son, I love and miss you so much. I think about you everyday.

Jays sketchbook page...

This is Jay's memorial page for The Sketchbook project. I love the way it turned out!!! Couldn't have done a better job!

Busy Mom's Bible....

I found the Busy Mom's Bible at kmart last night and had to get it. Let me tell you I love it!!



I need something to help me through. After losing Jay I have lost what faith I had. Growing up we went to church every Sunday and Wednesday night. I was at the young age of 12 a Sunday school teacher. I loved what I believed and how God's grace always shined down on me. I felt His love and presence with me always. Then our church unexpectedly divided and our family and other families had to leave. Something did not feel right. I couldnt find my place after that. I continued to believe and feel Christ with me. But after awhile I seemed to have lost my path. I never got into anything bad, but it was like church and Jesus were just a mere thought of what was.

Then we lost Jay, everything I ever believed in was torn apart. Inside I was angry at God and constantly questioned Him, "Why". At first I would say my beliefs were "shaken" but after a couple of months I resented God. Even though growing up I learned and felt it in my heart that you do not question God. God is our creator and He knows my very soul. But still I was hurt, blinded and angry enough to question Him.

To this day I find days though not very often anymore, I question Him still. I question His existence in my heart and my life. Growing up I felt that I was immune to bad things because I was protected by God's love. However, you may love God and you have God's love in return that does not mean you are immune to life's tragedies. But because God loves us he uses those tragedies to show us that He is good and through Him you will find peace.

Today I was looking through the Thought Starters in my Busy Mom Bible and found this verse-

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4

I cried and rejoiced at the same moment. The only thing that gets me through the hard days is this: I know in my heart that when my time comes and I get to heaven my son will be waiting for me along with others that I love that have gone to be with our Maker. We will be together again in our true home, Heaven.

Today is a new day. I pray that I will get on the path again, right now I'm in the pasture headed for the path. With God's grace, love and patience I will be there before sunset on my last day here on this temporary home.

29 months and Pregnancy and Infant loss rememberance day...

Today is always an emotionally hard day. For the past 2 years its been hard. But day by day my grief has changed, its not raw like it was at the beginning but it hurts none the less. Every day is a struggle to understand the unknown and the why. But remembering that God's plan for us is something greater and beautiful helps me to make it through.

Before Jacen arrived I knew what each day would be like and it was hard to face each day. But now that Jacen is here he makes me smile and warms my heart like no one else can. And just hearing him talk to his brother and run around the house saying "bubba" just warms me more. It saddens me for a moment but I remember Jay is watching over Jacen and they get to play and talk to each other and that makes me happy. Our family has something that is truly amazing and even though we miss our son dearly we love our life, because we know what his purpose is. We have been given the rare opportunity to see it. For that we are forever grateful.

For all babies gone too soon tonight a candle was lit in your memory. You are thought of daily and loved for eternity.

For my beloved son who was born May 15th, 2008 and my baby brother who was born March 15th, 1985. You both are loved and missed so much.

Love the quick pages......

Thank you to Franchesca for the quick page!

Butterfly....

Thank you so much Rachel!! I love it so much.

http://www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com/

Love this....

Thank you so much Cathrin. I love it!

28 months....

Isaiah 41:10

10~ So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I dont know what to even say. Its been too long and on the other hand time isnt going fast enough. All I can do is put all my fears, tears and anger in God's hands. He will guide me and walk with me through this. Yes its been 2 years 4 months and its still just as vivid as it was the week after he left me. Those people who seem to think that saying "time will heal everything" is a good thing to say to us, are wrong, in time we learn that we are defeated and yes to an extent the pain might lessen for some but I firmly believe time does not heal everything. This is one thing time does not heal.


My darling son, I love you with all my heart and miss you so much.

Tears.....

Today I find it incredibly hard to go forward. I miss you so much! The tears are flowing and won't stop. I want to find peace, I want to find comfort. But I don't see it happening, my heart hurts and my anger is growing, again. It's unfair. I had a brief flashback to the night he was born and saw how I lay in the hospital bed waiting his arrival. I cry because I want to be there again in that moment, so that I may prepare the memories all over again. Instead of being in a medicated state I would be awake and planning his arrival. I would take more pictures, I would get molds of his feet and hands, I would bring his whole closet if I could so that we may see him in HIS clothes. I would wrap my arms around him for days if they would have let me, instead of the measly 10 minutes I took. I would unwrap him from his blanket and look at him, I would take off his little hat to see his beautiful hair. I would kiss him and hug him all night.

Grief comes and goes on its own accord. Some days it hits hard and others its there but it doesn't consume me as it does today.

So for now to ease this sorrow and pain, I will take his little brother and hold him tight and not let him go until he screams for me to do so, and maybe even then I won't. :)

I love you my dear son and I miss you so very much.

27 long months without you......

Everyday is still the same, painful. I can't believe 27 months have come and gone. I can't believe this pain still is as strong as it was the moment I found out you were gone. Everyone says "it gets easier as time goes by..." I don't believe it, 2 years and 3 months later and it still feels like I am hit by a truck every morning when I wake up and remember "its not a dream, my son really is dead" All of the "what if's" and "could have beens" and "should bes" still follow me daily.

I look at that sweet little boy you saved almost 16 months ago and smile because you are my son and that wonderful thing you did was and still is amazing. Many don't believe me, some have even told me I need to seek help. But no doctor or amount of help would matter, because I am not sick. I don't know why it is so hard for some people to believe that angels come to do God's work and save people daily. Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there.

I am in waiting now, waiting for the day when I get to see your beautiful face again. I am waiting for the moment to hold you again. I am waiting to see your beautiful smile, and hear your wonderful laugh, and see you playing with the other children who live in Heaven. I am waiting....

I think about you everyday, every moment and think to myself "how could this have happened?" But I know God had a higher plan for your life and I have to accept that, some days I do and others I find it hard to do.

I love you and miss you so much.

Grandma...

Thank you for all your prayers. They have found her and she is doing well. They found her across the street from her own home at a neighbors who was not at home. She is 82 and has dementia so she thought it was her house.

I am glad she is safe and back with her family. This is my real father's mother and even though we have had rough times, I would never wish anything bad to happen to him or his family.

What a crazy day, but glad it ended well.

My grandma is missing....

If anyone living near Chickasha, Ok has seen her, please call the local police. News story click the link to view.

She is 82 and has dementia. I don't know much else as that side of my family doesn't talk to my brother or I. But I certainly dont want anything bad to happen to her.

Please pray that they find her and she is fine.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

I submitted our story here, this is a wonderful place to put a face to all the mommies you associate with through this nightmare. Go check it out and grab their button...(my face is on it!:))

The visit...

I went to the cemetery today for a visit since I havent been out there since April. I first went out there and realized I hadn't changed his flowers since April! Everything still looked fine but his flowers were old and dirty and faded. I went and bought him some new ones and came back and sat there with him and Jacen sitting beside me playing. I loved that moment. For one short brief moment...I was with both of my boys. I didn't want to leave but I knew it was time, it was getting very hot and Jacen was getting fussy. One brief moment we were all together, the way it SHOULD have been.

Then on the drive home I heard this song I have not heard before, "If I Die Young"...and I cried all the way home..and all I could think about was

If I die young...bury me beside my son, If I die young don't cry for me because I am home. If I die young, hold my hand and bury me with love and know that I will see you again. Bury me with a picture of me and BOTH of my sons.

26 months...

Hello baby boy. 26 months have come and gone and there isnt a day that has gone by that I dont think of you. I love you more than anything.

Many days now I don't know what to say or what to even think. But I do know for sure that my sons are the world to me and I will love them to the end of time. My angel for what ever reason could not stay here and then his little brother came and he was there to save him. I know his purpose and even though I am sad and heartbroken that he is not here with me, it makes me so very proud to be his mother and know that his death had a reason that is beyond anything I can even began to comprehend.

Today I am going to hug my son a little more and tell him I love him a little more and to my son in heaven, I will think about him more, and just love being his mommy more than I ever have if that is even possible. I ask you to pray for Ashley's family. They are missing another piece of their family today. He is a brother, a son, a grandson, a friend, a nephew and an UNCLE that will be missed by his family and friends.

2 year anniversary.....

I meant to post this on the 4th of July weekend, but we got kind of busy.

July 4th marked the 2nd anniversary for the blog!

I wish I would have run into blogging before Jay passed and would have had more memories posted here for him and us to look back on but unfortunately I didn't even know blogging existed until after he had passed away.

I love and miss you so much my darling boy.

PMDD?

I know I know its crazy, but I seriously think I have PMDD. Why you might ask? I've been trying to figure out for some time now what could be causing me all these problems such as

insomnia
anger (not from grief either, just anger that comes out of no where. Well I guess it could be from grief.)
terrible mood swings and other things.

When Jacen was first born I thought well maybe its from just giving birth and having a baby at home and all of the "first" mommy experiences compounded with grief. But its been 14 months later and I still see no relief.

I also thought depression because of everything we have been though and that could still very well be the case, but on a typical day I feel "fine" but when it is coming close to that time of the month (TMI) is when all of this really hits me hard. I am a total mess and seems like every little thing sets me off. Here is some info I found about PMDD...


from Mary Gallenberg, M.D.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe, sometimes disabling form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Although regular PMS and PMDD both have physical and emotional symptoms, PMDD causes extreme mood shifts that can disrupt your work and damage your relationships. About 30 percent of menstruating women have PMS. Up to 8 percent of women with PMS have symptoms that meet the diagnostic criteria for PMDD.

In both PMDD and PMS, symptoms occur in the last week of the menstrual cycle and usually improve within a few days after menstruation begins. Both PMDD and PMS may also cause bloating, breast tenderness, fatigue, and changes in sleep and eating habits. In PMDD, however, the following emotional and behavioral symptoms stand out:

• Anxiety
• Feelings of being "keyed up" or "on edge"
• Persistent irritability
• Marked anger

The cause of PMDD isn't clear. Underlying depression and anxiety are common in both PMS and PMDD, so it's possible that the normal physical changes that trigger a menstrual period somehow exacerbate mood disorders.

Treatment of PMDD is directed at preventing or minimizing symptoms and may include:

• Antidepressants. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as fluoxetine (Prozac, others) and sertraline (Zoloft, others), reduce symptoms such as fatigue, food cravings and sleep problems. You can control PMDD by taking SSRIs all month or only in the interval between ovulation and the start of your period.
• Birth control pills. Taking birth control pills stops ovulation and stabilizes hormone fluctuations. Birth control pills containing drospirenone and packaged with a four-day placebo interval after 24 days of combination hormones may be more effective than are standard birth control pills.
• Nutritional supplements. Consuming 1,000 milligrams of dietary and supplemental calcium daily may reduce the physical and emotional symptoms of PMDD. Vitamin B-6, magnesium and L-tryptophan also may help.
• Herbal remedies. Clinical trials suggest that chasteberry may reduce irritability, mood swings, anger and headaches associated with PMDD.
• Diet and lifestyle changes. Regular exercise often reduces premenstrual symptoms. Cutting back caffeine intake can alleviate anxiety and irritability. Also, eating more carbohydrates in the week before your period may improve mood and memory.

It's important that you review your symptoms with your doctor. A thorough medical evaluation can determine if symptoms are due to PMDD or some other condition. If you are diagnosed with PMDD, your doctor can recommend specific treatments to help minimize the impact PMDD has on the days you experience symptoms.

Hello baby...

Today I woke up and this song was stuck in my head..."So far away, doesnt anybody stay in one place anymore?" I cant remember the name of the song and who sings it. But I realized why it was stuck in my head, because today is your day. 25 months! It seems unreal.

How could this have happened? We wanted you and wanted to love you. We would have never done you harm. We would have protected you from everything even if it meant our lives. We still want you here with us and love you so much.

Some days I am just without words. I dont know what to think, I dont know how to feel, I dont know what to do.

I love you so much my baby boy.

I want to show you some pictures I found and just had to buy. They made me think of you! :)




Love you.

Doing what God called him to do....

I may get bits of this story wrong and I'm sorry but this is just too amazing to me not to share.

A woman that works with my mother in law has a daughter who was pregnant. Just last week she went into early labor due to some complications. The grandma left work to rush to the hospital to be with her daughter and the daughter's boyfriend. Due to the complications the doctors told the family that they had a major decision to make, either save the baby, save the mommy or "try" and save both. In the midst of making a decision (they had a couple hours it seemed) they all fell asleep.

The grandma is woken up by "someone" she says, and is told to check the baby's heartbeat. She looks at the heart rate monitor for the baby and just knows something is wrong. She calls for a nurse and tells her "something is wrong with the heartbeat, what is going on?" The nurse blows it off and tells her the baby is doing fine. Not satisfied with this answer the grandma demands the nurse get the doctor right away. The doctor comes in and the grandma tells him the same thing. The doctor checks it out and says "you are right we have at most 10 minutes to get this baby out!" They rush the mom to the OR and gets the baby in time.

Now I must tell you that my mother in law only knows this woman (grandma) in passing and has never spoken to her about my son (Baby Jay).

The grandma returns to work a few days later to tell my mother in law that "I remember Baby Jay, and not wanting to upset her says "Baby Jay or....ummm God came to me and woke me up and told me to check my granddaughter's heart beat." (Not exact words) This woman only knows that we lost our son by my father in law who used to be her boss. But he never has spoken that much about him only that he passed away, but not much else. She also did not know that we call him Baby Jay. But she kept saying, I remember Baby Jay. As if she was saying (but not wanting to upset) that he was there and she saw him and thats how she knew to check.

That baby and her mommy are doing great. They both went home yesterday and are in perfect health, when only a few days ago the doctors were saying they could only "guarantee" that they could save only one of them.

This I believe is one of those moments you would have had to been in to fully understand this story. As soon as I heard this I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God sent my son to that woman and helped save that baby girl.

God's plan for my sweet Jay is beyond anything I can imagine. But I know, WE all know that God is showing us that He did in fact need Baby Jay. Not that we ever doubted Him but when grieving you dont see clearly. And you began to beg to understand.

God has spoken....VOLUMES.

Memorial Site...

I created a memorial page for Jay if you would like to come check it out click here.

Thank you again Sandie!

Grief.....I hate you.

May, can you be completely over yet?

Since May began I have been having those oh so wonderful flashbacks of the night Jay died. Not just a "I remember that night vividly" type thing, oh no its the I smell all the same things I did that night, I hear all the same things I heard that night, I VIVIDLY remember the touch of a few things that night.

Its as if that night is happening all over again only thing is that night will never end for me. It isnt one of those I had the worst night of my life or a bad day, those you can go on the next day as if nothing happened. This night will follow me FOREVER. Those smells, sounds and everything else about that night will haunt me until I die.

I remember the clothes I wore when we got up out of bed to go to the hospital, I remember the smell of the car, I remember the phone conversation between me and my mom as I called her on my way there, I remember the smell of the ER as we entered, I remember the conversation between us and the attendant at the ER, I remember the L&D nurse that came and got us, I remember changing into the hospital gown, I remember the smell of the bathroom as I changed, I remember the sound of the heartbeat monitor, I remember the touch of the nurses hand on my wrist as she checked HIS heartbeat to my pulse, I remember walking to my birthing suit, I remember the feel and smell of that room, I remember the ticking of the clock as it ticked the moments I had left with Jay away, I remember the feel of the U/S wand on my belly as it revealed that Jay's heart was no longer beating, I remember the smell of Dr. M's cologne when he came in to tell us that Jay had died, I remember Dr. H touching my arm and hugging me the next morning, I remember few moments after they gave me whatever medicine that knocked me out, I remember the sudden emptiness and loneliness I felt the moment Jay's body entered this world, I remember the show that was on TV when he entered this world(we had it on for sound), I remember the smell of his body when they brought him to me, I remember the feel of his blankets, I remember his tiny beautiful face, I remember the smell of my body after Jay's body was taken from mine, I remember the shower after delivering him, I remember the sleepless night, I remember being wheeled down to the car when it was time to go home, I remember the smell of the house when we entered it, I remember the look on Shelby's (our black lab)face when we came in the door, I remember the smell of my shampoo, I remember the first time I walked into his room after we got home. Devastating.

Grief, I hate you. These moments will follow me until the day I die. The most horrible part of all of this is, I can only remember few things about Jay after he was born. I hate that. I hate that life has to be this way, that in our world sometimes our children don't out live their parents. That parents have to bury their babies. Its not fair at all.

I dont wish I could pretend his life didn't happen, who would I be if I did? But I wish that life didn't have to be this way.

All I can say is...Grief I hate you!

Prayers for Courtney....

Please send your support and love to Courtney who lost her 3rd son this morning.

I am so sorry Courtney. Our love and prayers go out to you and your family.

Thank you Sandie!!

I love them!

Garden...

This was taken in April right before Jacen's 1st birthday. April 15th.
This was taken today. May 29th

Forever on my mind...

This beautiful creature was on my front porch this morning.

You are never far from my thoughts and I always know when you are near, as a mother who has lost their child I always have a feeling when you are near. Today I know you were around. For whatever reason God allows me this gift, even though I have been angry. I guess He is showing me that He is still good and that He is the light and the path. Only way to the Father.

Seriously??

Seriously....I just got some random person who commented on my last post...name is "MrLonely" says..."nice blog! Come check mine out when you have a moment." Um how about NO! This is a sacred place to me and its for my dead son! If you are looking for women to check out your freaky page go some place else. DO NOT COME BACK HERE. I will warn you and anyone else looking to disrespect my son only once.

As of right now comments are being changed, I will review all comments before they will show up on the post. Sorry but I wont stand for it. There are too many times I see mothers hurt by people saying things they shouldn't.

Random pictures.....

These are just some pictures I never got to add to here.
Thank you Heather for Jay's pendant...I love it!