Merry Christmas..

Merry Christmas angel baby. This is our second Christmas without you and its still just as hard as it was last year. I know each year will be the same. I know you are having a beautiful Christmas up there in Heaven with Jesus and all your little angel friends and family. I love you so much baby boy and miss you dearly. Grandmas and grandpas and uncles and aunt and of course mommy and daddy and Jacen all send our love to you. We wish you could be here with us of course but we understand Heaven is where you were meant to be. :( I wish it didnt have to be this way. Your little brother rolled over (in all directions) tonight on his own. We are so proud of him. Everyday is something new and exciting with him. I love you sweet pea and miss you always. Angel kisses.

Love
Mommy

19 months...

Angel baby, I am thinking about you today. I miss you terribly. I don't know where I would be in this world without you in my life even if you cant be in my arms. You are loved and missed by many. You may never know how you have changed my life. Here is a poem I wrote for you today. I love you my sweet baby.

The Voice that is missing...

I never heard your voice,
I never heard your cry,
To this day I will never know why.

I sit and listen to the house all a bustle
and know that there is a voice that is missing.
I do not know why.

I listen to your baby brother's gentle breathing
and know that there is a voice still missing.
I do not know why.

I listen to the wind blowing outside and your wind chime ringing in the breeze
and know that there is the voice I was missing.

Stocking...

Christmas 2009

Christmas 2009

Christmas Decorations....

Hello angel, we came out today and put up your Christmas tree and brought out the wreath. I hope you enjoy them. We love and miss you greatly my sweet baby.

Mommy

18 months...

Can you believe 18 months is here? Sometimes I just dont know what to say or even what to think. I think of you constantly and wonder what you are doing right now at this very moment in heaven. Of course I will never know until I am there with you. Thank you for coming to visit us the other day, it was very much needed for both me and daddy. Tell God thank you! We came to visit you today. It was nice to go to you and just sit in peace, your little plant that Mary brought you is growing like crazy! My goodness how time is going by so quickly yet so slowly. I know I say that all the time but its so very true. Its just so strange how we want time to pass quickly yet we also want it to slow down sometimes. Like for us, we want to hurry up and see you again but at the same time, we want to slow down because Jacen is just growing so fast. I love you so much son. I can not wait to hold you again. You never cease to amaze me with what you are still showing me and teaching me. We will be coming out in a few weeks to put up your Christmas tree. I wonder what Christmas is like in Heaven? I bet it is amazing! I am sorry this note to you is just rambling, I am just at a loss for words tonight. I miss you so much I cant hardly stand it. Love, Mommy

Angel Face...

I don't think I have ever tried to sit and name every sign that I have seen from my son. There are just so many. But a recent one that both Jay and I saw was this past Friday, we were driving down the road (in separate cars, he was right behind me) and I was talking to him on the phone and I looked up at the sky and said, "oh my goodness do you see what I see?" I said "that cloud right there is Jay's face!" It was if I was looking right at him and he was standing right in front of me. Jay said "yes I see it too!" I didn't have to tell him what cloud I was talking about. It was amazing and just as soon as we both saw him he was gone. I got goosebumps! How great is God when he can allow you to see the beautiful child that is gone from this world? You can not imagine what it feels like to be allowed to see what is beyond this world. Things that you never thought could change you have a whole new meaning. Things that you thought were lifeless and just a source of weather are now treasures in your heart. A flower is now not just a flower but a sign that there is a greater purpose and there is more to that flower than you can see. It is full of life, a life that you can not see or would never know is there. But I do.

The Cord...

We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised…. I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away!

This poem has so much meaning to me. Its kind of ironic I guess in a sense considering the cord that connected Jay's life to me and kept him living those 37 wonderful weeks is what eventually killed him. But the cord that connects our hearts for eternity lives on forever. That cord will never become twisted and sever our lives again. I miss you my sweet angel. Its been too long since I've held you and God do I ever ache to hold you again. Soon, when it is my time.

Mommy

Pictures...

Shelby...

Been playing around with this new photo editing software I found, and I love it! I love this picture of Shelby and Baby Jay, her face just says it all for me. It looks like the face of pure innocence and love. The things that your eyes open up to when you realize God and His wonderfulness is right there next to you. I saw my son in a butterfly! God is amazing...

Sunset....

Sunset is drawing near,

Tomorrow is almost here,

Tomorrow is a new day,

Will I still miss him here

As long as the sun sets and rises,

I will always ache for him, miss him, cry for him, and yearn to hold him again.

Tomorrow is almost here,

Will tomorrow be the day?

Like his name written in the sand

And washed away by the ocean.

So be the tears that I cry by the sun setting on my day.

Secret Garden Meeting....

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

My husband, family and friends that I have met along this journey. After my sons passing my husband and I knew that we had to try again soon, 3 months later we were given the OK. So we did and knew 3 weeks later that we were pregnant again with his little brother. He is now what keeps me going forward. I did start this blog shortly after his passing and that has helped too, just to have a place to go that no one judges me and I can speak freely about what is on my mind at that moment. I like to have a place to write to him and remember the life that we shared. Songs, have also helped me remember him and "try" to be at peace with the question I will not get an answer to, the why?

One song that brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it is..."My Name" by George Canyon.

I know one of the biggest things for me is going to visit him at the cemetery, its peaceful there.

~Misty

Angel Jay

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Our Candle for Jay.....

We love and miss you sweet boy. Until we meet again.

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and baby brother Jacen

17 months.....

17 months tomorrow and I still do not have words. I am left feeling helpless to this day. This past week or so seems to be especially hard. I dont know if I am teetering on the edge of insanity or if its just a mother still seeking answers she will not find. Is it so much to ask why? Is it too hard to give an answer to that question? When will I know? Why cant I know now? They say "Life is what YOU make of it", is it really? I thought I was making a wonderful, happy life when we decided to get married and have a baby, but having a baby didnt turn out like we thought it would. So is my life this nightmare, because I MADE it that way? No it isnt. I did not chose for this to happen. I would have gladly taken his place in a heartbeat if I was given the chance. I would still trade places with him if God came to me right now and said I could. My time is not done, I am still learning my lessons, and my destiny is not fulfilled yet. When it is I will once again be reunited with my precious baby. Until then, I am made to wonder why and only remember what he smelled like, looked like, felt like. Or what he would be like today if he were here with me.
Jacen is my beautiful blessing and has been a gift from God. I can not imagine a day without him. I always wonder how it is done. It seems as though on the surface (if you didnt know me) that I am very happy and nothing is wrong. (as I have been told) But on the inside while I am happy that I have Jacen I am so very sad and "defeated" (for lack of a better word) that Jay is not here. How can you be two very different emotions at the same time? Who knows, God works in mysterious ways and ways that we will never understand. Who are we to question Him?
I love you my sweet son. I miss you with every breath I breathe. I can not wait for the day that we meet again. You are the love that I found from within, the light that guides me and the butterfly that shows me the strength within.

Love always,
Mommy

New Pictures of Jay's Garden.....

16 months.....

hello baby, I thought I would write to you tonight. I cant believe its already been 16 months, I remember that night like it was only yesterday. On one hand it feels like such a long time ago and than again it feels like its been just yesterday. I remember the day before in the shower feeling you moving and I remember smiling thinking about how beautiful and great life was going to be for us 3. I remember being at work that day and telling a few people that I havent felt you move in a little while and them saying, "dont worry you are getting so close that happens as you get closer." I remember waking up at 12am May 15th with horrible contractions and sitting there for half an hour timing how far apart they were, I remember waking daddy up and telling him I thought it was time to go. I remember telling him "I've been timing them for half an hour and they are 2 minutes apart." I remember getting out of bed and being so very cold, and thinking maybe this is just a part of labor. I remember getting in the car and looking through our birthing class book and flipping to the "warning signs that you need to get to the ER right away" page and reading the one line that put my heart racing....."high fever- get to hospital immediately." I remember getting to the ER and having to pee really bad, and telling daddy that he needs to tell the nurse that I am pregnant, (all he told her was that I was having severe pain in my abdomen, she asked if I had my will written up!) I remember the labor and delivery nurse coming to get us to take us upstairs. I remember the smell of the triage room we were in, I remember all the monitors, I remember feeling anxious and excited and nervous. I remember getting undressed (into the lovely hospital gowns) I remember talking with the nurse about how far apart the contractions were, I remember her hooking me up to the heart and contraction monitors. I remember her saying you are having little contractions and saying he has a great heartbeat. I remember her leaving the room and coming back and checking to see if I was dilated. I remember her saying "well you are like a 1 and you arent doing a whole lot we are going to send you home." I remember telling her can we check to make sure baby is doing ok, I havent felt him moving a whole lot today," I remember the look on her face when I said that, it was almost a look of dread and panic at the same time. I remember her taking my wrist and checking it with your heart monitor. I remember thinking....what is she doing? I remember it seeming like forever before another nurse came in and checking my pulse with your heartbeat. I remember her smiling slightly at me and saying "sometimes they can turn over and if their backs are facing out its hard to get a heartbeat on this thing." I remember the nurse coming back and saying "your doctor is on his way, we are moving you to a labor room he has ordered us to do an ultrasound just to be sure everything with baby is going alright. I remember being paranoid and scared at this point. I remember no one telling us what was going on. I remember being moved to the labor room and the room being dimly lit. I remember the nurses coming in to do the ultrasound and remember the look on the nurses faces, absolute dread and sorrow. I remember them not saying a word but pointing to the machine. I remember looking at it...(i had seen them so much a this point I knew what I was looking at.) I remember seeing the stillness of where your heart should have been beating. I remember the nurse typing out the letters...HRT over your heart. I remember her asking me to breathe in real deep and hold it. I remember nearly screaming at all of them for not telling me! I remember Dr. Morales coming in and the look on his face and how softly he spoke. I remember him saying "Honey, I am so sorry but the baby is gone." I remember feeling at that moment wanting to die. I do not remember much of anything else he spoke after that. I do remember him saying "fetal demise" a few times and how it made me want to vomit. I remember him saying we can do an autopsy if you both choose to, so that we might find out what happened to little man. I remember feeling sick at the thought of that. I remember thinking "just this morning I was thinking about what I needed to do to finish your room and prepare for your arrival and now I am having to decide whether or not I want an autopsy done on your body!!! This is not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I remember telling him that I could not have you naturally I wanted a c-section. I remember him telling me he would consult with Dr. Hall and him asking me to reconsider, because it was a major surgery and that there is a chance I could die. I remember thinking, if something happens during surgery....let me die, let me die, LET ME DIE!!! I remember just looking over at daddy and wanting to crawl in a hole and hiding from the world. I remember wanting to run as fast as I could....to anywhere but there. I remember us talking about the autopsy and agreeing that we could not do that to you. I remember calling everyone.....I remember the sound of pain and sorrow in their voices. I do not remember much of what was said though. I remember Dr. Hall coming in, giving me a hug and telling us how sorry he was. I remember the feelings of helplessness and the unbearable pain, the hole in my heart. I remember not much else because after a while they put me under a lot of drugs. I remember people coming in and out. I remember waking up to someone telling me it was time to push. I remember delivering you. I remember seeing you briefly right after you were born and saying "oh my God he is beautiful." and sobbing. I remember the pain on Dr. Hall's face when he said, "his umbilical cord is twisted." I remember it seemed like hours before they finally brought you to me. When they finally did, I remember feeling this love that no one can explain, this pain that can not be described, and such sorrow. I remember letting you go so soon. I remember wanting to get up out of that bed and run with you as far as I could. I remember leaving the hospital without you and feeling defeated and feeling like I had to leave a part of my soul behind. (which I did) I remember that day that you taught me some very important lessons, you taught me that love is great love does not end just because a life here on earth does. You have shown me what true love is. You have shown me things that I otherwise never would have seen.
I love you son and miss you so very much. Until we meet again, my darling son.

Love
Mommy

Just thoughts....

You know everyday is a new day and each day brings new adventures; and with it, is there more peace or more pain that is brought? Some days are ok for me and some days are not. For the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about seeing a counselor, but have been too ashamed and scared to. I have always been a person that has always been too stubborn and felt that I could handle everything and anything on my own....except this. Since my angel came into my life I have been given this sort of gift....the gift of sight. I have seen things I otherwise before baby Jay would have passed off as just the circle of life happening. But since Jay, I have been given the opportunity to see beyond that. Maybe its this part of my being that is telling me not to give up on myself so fast or easily. After all of the signs and God's messages I have to try and be at peace, right? I know of God's wonderfulness and how great He is, but sometimes its still hard for me to try and stand up straight and tall and be strong. Sometimes I want to fall down and scream and cry and just hurt for a while. Sometimes I dont want to cry anymore, but how do you stop? Doesnt mean I wont still be dying inside. Its been 16 months on Tuesday and I feel broken and hurt. Like I said some days I feel ok.....the past couple of weeks has not been one of those times. With God as my Father, Jacen as my medicine, Jay as my light...I will make it through.

Name in the Sand....

I happen to be looking at a friends blog and came across this lady who writes babies names who have gone too soon in the sand and I remember sometime before we had Jacen I sent in a request. Well I thought I will give it another shot. Well I happen to be looking around at the website and found Baby Jay's name that I had requested months ago!! The greatest thing! It just made my day...to make it even better....the day they wrote his name in the sand and took this picture was the same day I gave birth to his baby brother Jacen! God shows he is amazing even in the smallest ways.......

Angel...

I guess there is a point in time where I just have to learn to accept what I can not change and try to move forward. As hard as that is, I believe it will be one of the things that gets me through. Of course the only thing that keeps me trying to move forward is that I know one day I will be with my sweet boy again. No day since that fateful day has been easy, no new day has changed what has become. But everyday is one day closer to going home to my son. One sweet day the heavens will open for me and my baby will be just on the other side waiting for me. I will run to him and never let him go. Each night that I put Jacen to bed I pray to God to keep him safe and ask for one more day with him. He is the medicine for my heart. He is the reason I wake up each day and go to bed each night. He is the reason why I am allowed to see his brother. Without him I don't know that God would allow it. Both of my boys are the reason I still believe. Since they have been here I have seen things that I never would have imagined before.

I love you son and miss you everyday. I'll be there one day.
Love,
Mommy

15 months....

Good evening baby. Today has been 15 months since you have been gone. I miss you everyday and think of you always. I got this idea from another mother the other day. Its the 15 hardest moments since you have been gone....

One~ Hearing the doctor say....."I am so sorry, but there is no heartbeat"
Two~ walking into my labor room.
Three~ Having to call all the family and tell them the horrible news.
Four~ giving birth to you.
Five~ Seeing your beautiful body being taken away after you were born.
Six~ holding you in my arms for the first time since you were born
Seven~ Not getting to hold you long enough.
Eight~ Having to give you back to the nurse and knowing that you would be waiting for the funeral home to pick you up.
Nine~ The Helplessness that I felt the moment I found out you were gone.
Ten~ Walking out of the hospital to go home without you with me.
Eleven~ The drive home.
Twelve~ Your funeral.
Thirteen~ My last doctor visit after you were born. He forgot and asked us how you were doing.
Fourteen~ Learning that we were pregnant again after losing you.
Fifteen~ Bringing Jacen home and you not being here waiting to play with him.

These are only 15 of the hardest moments...there are so many more. Everyday is a struggle, but I try to take each day one day at a time. I cant wait for the day when I can hold you again. I miss you so very much and love you with every fiber of my being. Thank you for coming to visit just when I always need to know that you are near. It is so comforting to know that you are always near. Give The Father a hug and kiss for us. I love you sweet boy.

Love,
Mommy

The Castle...

In a baby castle, just beyond your eye,
Your baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy.
Who are you to wish him back into this world of strife,
No, play on your baby, he'll have eternal life.
At night when all is silent and sleep forsakes your eyes,
You'll hear his tiny footsteps come running to your side
His little hands caress you so tenderly and sweet,
You'll breathe a prayer and close your eyes and embrace him in your sleep.
Now you have a treasure that you rate above all others
You have known true glory,
You are still his mother.

(author unknown)

My Name (performed by George Canyon)

The words to this song are from the unborn baby.Its cold in here feels like every things upside down I can feel you talking but I can barely make out the sound I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year Im gonna change this world if I ever get out of here She wants to dress me in pink, paints my bedroom blue And I just laugh to myself, because only I know the truth This love is my only emotion Haven't learned any fear any pain Its kind of funny with all this commotion I guess they've got me to blame And they dont even know my name And they dont even know my name Well Ive never felt so ready, think its finally time Cause that big old world is waiting, and its mine all mine Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright And a man took my hand said dont worry, your momma's gonna be all right Then he opened the gate, & I followed him in Said you can wait right here till its your turn again And his love is the one true emotion Heaven knows no fear no pain I never got to set my wheels in motion But they loved me just the same And they never even knew name Didnt even know my name You loved me just the same And you didnt even know my name

Dear God,..

Dear God,

Please love my Angel that dwell with you above,

Please hug him for me tightly with your precious, tender love,

Dear God,

Please sing him lullabys as he lays down to sleep,

Please comfort him and just be there if he should ever weep.

Please let him know I love him and wish I understood

The reason he is in Heaven, please tell him to be good.

Are fluffy clouds his pillows, to lay his head at night?

And do the stars just twinkle to give him little light?

Will you watch him so carefully and always hold his hand?

And answer all the questions that a child can't understand?

Do you tell him all about me, does he know just who I am?

Is he with my family, my grandpa and Grandma?

God,

do you ever pick him up and sit him on your knee?

And rock him oh so gently if he ever cries for me?

God,

does he play with children's toys in Heaven up above?

I have so many questions Lord,

I want to understand

Just why my little Angel is up there, was his life planned?

I dwell down here and feel like we're a thousand miles apart,

Please help me God, please hear my plea, Just mend this broken heart!

(author unknown)

An Angel Never Dies

Dont let them say, I wasnt born

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave

I've loved you from the start

Although my body you cant hold

It doesn't mean I m gone

This world was worthy, not, of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul

What you are forced to face

You have my word, I 'll fill your arms

Someday we will embrace

You'll hear that it was meant to be, God doesn't make mistakes

But that wont soften your worst blow

Or make your heart not ache.

I m watching over all you do,

Another child you'll bear.

Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you

When you will hold my hand, Stroke my face and kiss my lips

And then you'll understand Although, I ve never breathed your air, Or gazed into your eyes.

That doesnt mean I never was, An Angel Never Dies

Our angel....

I saw my son today
he was in the form of a butterfly.
He said I love you but I cant stay.
I wanted to let you know I am doing alright,
and I miss you.
From today on you will know that when you see me
I could be one of a million things.
I lived and died and now I am free.
Until you are here with me,
I love you and will be near
when you need me.

14 months....

Hello baby. I am not going to say the normal, "i cant believe its been this long" because you know that already. What I am going to say is that I love you so very much and miss you so very much. As if you dont know that already too but it feels much better to say that instead. I have to say since Jacen has been here I have felt much more at peace with your passing. Why? I cant really say for sure, but I think it is because you are constantly with me and I can feel you here. Sure some people have told me I am crazy and there is no such thing as angels but you know what when they have been through something of this magnitude then they can talk to me about what they believe then. Of course we all have our doubts, even I did at one time, but I dont anymore. I have seen you just as well as I see Jacen and daddy everyday. You were standing next to me in the operating room when Jacen had to be delivered by emergency c-section. I looked over and there you were standing off to my right. You didnt look young but you didnt look old either. I knew at that moment Jacen would be fine and the rest of my life was going to be alright. Even though you arent here in the flesh you are with me always in spirit. Jacen sees you always (he loves when you visit) Just the other night I was sitting in his rocking chair putting him to bed and he is just staring at this one corner of the room and just smiling and laughing so hard. Then I guess you moved to another place in the room cause he followed you. It was the sweetest thing. And the best feeling in the world for me to have both of my precious babies right there with me. I love you with all my heart baby and miss you constantly. Thank you for coming into my life, thank you for being with me and showing me what life is really all about. Thank you for constantly amazing me and showing me that life is still good and will be ok because you are with me.

I learned the new little Angel's name that I was telling you about. She is a sweet little girl named Sydney. Show her that she can be there for her mommy even though she is in heaven like you are. Her mommy needs her very much right now.

I love you sweetheart. See you soon,
Mommy

hello baby.....

Hello baby. Today was a day. A friend asked me about how we got through the early weeks following your passing, because a friend of hers has just lost a little one too. I let her know that the mommies at www.babycenter.com is what helped me, but also family is what really helped me. It just broke my heart all over again when she said that her friend was going through this horrible nightmare too. In those first few seconds I was once again in that delivery room on that horrible night, reliving that night over again in a matter of seconds. All those hard, raw, horrible emotions all came back. Not that I dont hurt and long to hold you everyday but those very confusing and nightmarish feelings came back with overwhelming pain. Made me hurt for you even more. I wish no parent had to live this nightmare. But unfortunately we can only offer our shoulder to cry on and be a listening ear. I miss you so much dear baby boy. Look after this little one for his mommy and daddy. Be his/her Angel friend (not that you wouldnt) show him/her that he can show them that he/she is still with them and if they look close enough, they can still see him/her. They are so very scared and confused right now. I am so proud of you my sweetheart. I miss you. Stay close to Jacen, mommy and daddy. We love you baby.

Love
Mommy

Swimming with Jacen...

Do you see baby Jay in this picture? We decided to see how Jacen liked the swimming pool (heated by the way) and the first like 10 pictures are like this...nothing was done different with the camera or changed. We believe it was big brother Jay coming to play with his littl brother. I always knew he was watching over us always, but to be able to see him in this way just amazes me and makes me feel so good that he is here.

I love you sweetheart no matter where you are. Thank you for watching over us. We love you always.

Love

Mommy

13 months....

Hello sweet angel. I miss you! It's been 13 months since you came into our lives, and wow what an impression you have left on us. Our lives are so different now. I could never imagine life without ever having loved you or met you. I love you so much and am thankful everyday for having you in my life. Everytime I hear of another mommy having a baby, I always think of you and how I felt when we were headed to the hospital to have you....the excitement and love and fear. Then I always pray that they make it to their mommys safely. No mommy should ever have to go through life without their babies, but unfortunately sometimes we are forced to because they have a higher purpose. Just like you do. Its been so long since I held you and it hurts, literally. Its hard to explain but my arms ache to hold you, my heart aches for you. I love you, son with every fiber of my being. I can not wait for the day that I am given the chance again to be with you. Until then, wait for me handsome. I'll be there before you know it. Love you baby boy.

Love,
Mommy

New pictures of your garden....

Hey sweet boy. I just wanted to show you the beautiful flowers in your garden. They are in bloom right now and look so beautiful. I love you sweet angel and miss you terribly.

Love
Mommy

Thinking of you...

Hello big boy! I have been thinking of you. My heart is hurting for you. I cant believe a year has gone by since I held you and kissed your sweet face. I miss you so much. You are so amazing. Every time I look at Jacen I am reminded of you and think about what you might have looked like at his age. I think about all the new things he does everyday and am happy to see him go through them yet saddened because I never got to see you do any of them. He looks so much like you its amazing. I think of you all the time and always have to remind myself that in time I will hold you again. I can not wait for that day to come when I can see you, hold you and kiss you. You, daddy and Jacen are what keep me going. You guiding me from above, daddy and Jacen helping me here. Its hard to not have you here with us, not having you here to play with your little brother or to grow up with him. He will know you, I promise. He already knows you, really. You were with him the day he was born and he sees you everyday. We love and miss you dearly, son.

I love you, my sweet baby.
~Mommy

More Pictures...

1st Birthday Pictures....